Piper Day's Ultimate Guide To Avoiding George Clooney

by Vanessa Fewings

  I tapped my forehead. “Keeping them all in here. You actors have a talent for retaining.” My exit was merely steps away, if only I had the courage to go for it and extract myself from any more embarrassment.

  “Do you want me to speak with your boss?” he said.

  “No.” I raised my hand. “Best not. Don’t want to stir anything up.” A heavy pit settled deep in my stomach. Was I really turning down a once in a lifetime opportunity? If I was going to change my mind, now was the time...

  My back struck the fake door and it shook. With a wave goodbye, I was out of the faux office and trekking fast across the stage, trying to swallow the lump in my throat.

  And not look back at the devastatingly handsome Jamie Hale.

  CHAPTER 16

  Foam bubbles spilled onto the bathroom floor, but I didn’t care.

  I was up to my chin in hot water, engrossed in Jane Austin’s Northanger Abbey, following seventeen-year-old Catherine Morland down a dark corridor in Northanger’s old English manor.

  Teddy was sitting next to me atop the padded stool. I felt his stare on me. An hour ago I’d taken him for a long walk around the neighborhood and then fed him. Yet his gaze still reflected I’d missed something. Chew toy probably? My attention fell once more upon the page. Catherine Morland had discovered a writing desk with a letter hidden away within one of its secret compartments, the mysterious writing a clue leading to some bigger adventure.

  I took a sip of Chardonnay and read on.

  My iPhone resting next to Teddy buzzed and he sniffed it. I reached for it and pressed it against my ear.

  “Hello,” came Ellie’s voice. “What are you doing?”

  “Nothing.”

  “How are you?”

  “Fantastic,” I lied.

  “I bet you are, Miss Oscar Starlet.”

  I didn’t like how that sounded for two reasons. One, I wasn’t going anymore and Ellie had just reminded me of the fact, and two, being called a starlet was so out of my realm of experience it made no sense.

  “I got a callback,” Ellie said, her tone high-pitched with excitement.

  “Yay.”

  “I know, right.”

  I placed my book next to Teddy. He licked the cover. “Now which one was this?” I eased myself up the bathtub and took another sip of wine then rested the rim against my lips.

  “It’s a Tim Burton film,” she went on. “I read for the part of the princess’s sister.”

  “Um princess?”

  “You know, the Princess and the Pea.”

  “Oh right,” I said, remembering Hans Christian Anderson’s tale about a prince testing a woman’s suitability by placing a pea beneath twenty mattresses to see if she’d detect it, and therefore make a good bride. My inner feminist screamed.

  “Isn’t it fantastic?” Ellie said, interrupting my politically correct thoughts.

  “It really is.” I placed the glass down on the side of the tub and water whooshed over me.

  “Are you in the bath?”

  “Yes.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You only take a bath when you are depressed. What happened?”

  “Nothing,” I said, noticing how Teddy seemed to disapprove of my lie. His furrowed eyebrows knitted together like an old man.

  “Let me take a wild guess,” Ellie said. “You’re in the bath with a glass of wine, reading one of your novels.”

  “Yes. When’s your callback?”

  “Monday,” she sang the word, oozing how thrilled she was. “Are you all ready for the big day? Bet you’ve been trying on your dress and dancing in front of the mirror?”

  The pit in my stomach deepened.

  “Piper? Don’t you dare tell me you’ve changed your mind about going?”

  Ellie’s fierceness struck a nerve and I swallowed hard. “Something happened. An accident.” My lips formed a sulk as I mulled over what words were best to describe it. “My dress was assassinated.” Yes, assassinated was the best way to--

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Someone took a pair of scissors to my dress. I can’t wear it. I’m not going to the Oscars,” I said it with such calm anyone would have thought I was over it. Still, I’d mastered the art of putting things into perspective as a child, a trait that had come in handy more times than I could mention.

  Like the time my cousin Christopher stole my Sleeping Beauty dress I’d gotten on my sixth birthday. During my party, he gave himself away when he wore the dress as though no one would notice. The distraction of him prancing around the living room in it, donning the plastic silver crown, allowed me to sneak a second slice of birthday cake.

  Yes, there was always an upside.

  Remembering Christopher and his antics made me smile, and I thought fondly of how he’d had two coming out parties. My sixth birthday party being the first.

  Silence lingered on the other end, so much so I wondered if the line had dropped.

  “I’m freaking out right now,” Ellie said. “What happened?”

  “I took the dress into work to see if Adam our secretary would hem it. He’s a fashion student--”

  “Did he mess it up?”

  “No.” I shifted farther up the tub. “I left the bag in the front reception and went into a treatment room with a patient. When I came out I discovered the dress had the mother of all rips.”

  “What the--”

  “There was only one other person in the department. Other than the FBI--”

  “FBI?”

  “Agents were doing a walkthrough. It’s protocol apparently when there’s a VIP visiting.”

  “Can’t you get them on the case?” There was a pause. “I mean it’s right up their alley.”

  “Good idea. I’ll get them right on it after they’ve finished tracking down America’s Most Wanted.”

  “Who’s the VIP?”

  “Didn’t ask.” I cringed, remembering my defibrillator tug of war with one of them.

  “Who was the other person in the department?”

  “Sarah Thompson.”

  “The actress?” she said. “I’ve heard she’s a real bitch.”

  Ellie’s words were somewhat cathartic. Right up until guilt oozed on in and made me feel horrible for assuming it was her.

  “Are there security cameras in the place?” she asked.

  “No, we can’t have them because of patient privacy.”

  “Can material be fingerprinted?”

  “It’s not exactly a crime of the century.”

  “The girl’s insane. What if it’s your dress this week and your throat the next?”

  “Not exactly reassuring.” I took another sip of Chardonnay and rested my glass on the corner edge.

  “Be careful using your phone in the bath,” Ellie said. “I watched an episode of CSI where this woman was murdered by her boyfriend. He dropped an electric toaster in the bath when she was in it. Electric devices and water do not go well together.”

  I was about to reassure her that cell phones were battery powered, and the only risk was talking too long on it and ending up in wrinkle city.

  “The murderer used an extension cord,” Ellie said. “He threw away the toaster, which had fused out, but stupidly kept the extension cord. That had fused out too but he had no idea. It was all the evidence they needed.”

  “Comforting words, Ellie, comforting words.”

  “You’re still going you know. You can’t let the queen bitch win. I won’t allow it.”

  “Where am I going to get another dress this close to the event? I have a funny shape. Only certain things fit me.”

  “You have curves. That’s downright sexy. Men prefer curves.”

  “No, men prefer skinny women that make them look good.”

  “Hello, who is this alien who’s abducted my Piper? Leave her body immediately.”

  The water was getting cold, and though tempted to top it up with hot water I decided
against it. Ellie’s lovely CSI story was still lingering. My pink painted toenails peeked above the bubbles. Teddy caught them too, his gaze on them as though his hunter DNA had resurfaced.

  “I’m coming over,” Ellie said.

  “You don’t need to do that. I’m fine.”

  “I’m coming over to brainstorm,” Ellie said. “I won’t take no for an answer.”

  “Have you had dinner?”

  “Not yet.”

  “How about I cook my specialty?”

  “Oh yes, please,” Ellie said. “Your spaghetti bolognaise is to die for.”

  “I’m on it.” I smiled at her enthusiasm.

  “I’m praying for a miracle,” Ellie said. “We always get one of those when we need it, don’t we?”

  “We sure do,” I said, scratching Teddy’s furry head. “We sure do.”

  CHAPTER 17

  “It’s me,” Ellie said, as I welcomed her into my apartment.

  A crazy thing to say really when I was actually looking at her, but it was such an endearing trait.

  “Food’s almost ready.” I scurried back into the kitchen, reaching for the large wooden spoon and using it to stir the bubbling bolognaise sauce.

  The rich scent of tomatoes and spices filled the air.

  Ellie neared the other side of the kitchen bar and sat on one of the two leather padded stools. She rested her elbows on the countertop. “I’m excited about that Tim Burton role.” She sighed deeply. “Oh Piper, I really want it.”

  “You’re perfect for it,” I said, meaning it with all my heart. I turned back to the stove and lowered the heat. “I bet you blew them away in your audition.”

  “For my callback I’m going to wear my stripy tights,” she said. “You know, the red and yellow ones. To get into character and hopefully draw the casting agent’s attention.”

  “Yay.” I waved the spoon, dripping bolognaise onto the lanolin tiles. All evidence of the mishap was quickly licked away by Teddy. He sniffed around hoping to find more.

  The spaghetti bubbled away in the Le Creuset pot and I gave it another stir. The flavor wafted and it smelt delicious.

  “Right after dinner you and I will go check out the thrift stores. I googled it and there’s several on Magnolia open till 9 P.M. Studio costume departments donate clothes to them, which means many of their dresses have only been worn once, and they’re discounted.” She raised her forefinger and her eyes closed for a second. “Now I won’t take no for an answer. I’m going to pay for the dress. You can pay me back whenever you can afford it.”

  I rounded the bar and gave Ellie the biggest hug. “Thank you so much.”

  “I owe you one, after you stepped in as me on Resident Hero.” She looked thoughtful. “But since it’s because of me you met Jamie Hale and you’re going to the Oscars with him... Hmmm...” She gave a big smile. “See what the universe gives you when you help out someone else?”

  “I sure do.” I headed back into the kitchen. “It’s uncharacteristic of me to go down without a fight. It’s only because my dress was so damn expensive.” I drained the pan of spaghetti through the metal colander in the sink. Steam rose, fogging the window. “To be honest,” I glanced over at Ellie, “the idea of going to the Oscars kind of threw me.”

  “It’s good to get outside your comfort zone,” she said. “Life’s about taking risks and doing stuff that makes us feel alive.”

  Ellie went on to offer even more words of encouragement, but my mind had drifted to last summer’s trip to San Jose, when Ellie had offered those exact same words while trying to persuade me to “take a leap of faith” and bungee jump. While patiently waiting for her on the edge of a bridge in the Angeles National Forest, I’d watched her jump with nothing but a rope attached to her waist. I remember musing then that if I too had dared to leap, the feeling alive bit would’ve lasted right up until I sustained a major head trauma. Then the feeling alive bit would be over all too quickly. I’d spent too many hours in the ER taking care of patients who wanted to “live a little.”

  But the Oscars were different. I mean, apart from the risk of tripping on the red carpet and breaking a leg in front of millions of viewers.

  I felt like I was back on that bridge again, trying to persuade myself I too could be as adventurous as Ellie. “How do you do it?” I said. “How do you go for auditions time after time and have those people staring at you?”

  She looked thoughtful. “Well, I could ask you the same thing. You’re one of the bravest women I know.”

  I shook my head in protest, but then it dawned on me why I was able to be heroic in my job. It was never about me. How, I wondered, could I use this epiphany to make me feel worthy of tomorrow’s big event?

  Ellie and Teddy were staring at me. Both of them seemingly waited for the answer to a question I couldn’t remember being asked.

  “Hungry?” I said, pushing the attention off me.

  Teddy answered with his tail, wagging it furiously.

  With dinner dished into my best Crate and Barrel bowls, Ellie and I carried our spaghetti into the living room, where we plopped down onto the sofa next to each other. We tucked into our bolognaise, slurping up the pasta with delight.

  Ellie rolled her eyes with pleasure. “You’re the best cook I know, Piper!”

  “Grandma’s recipe.”

  She waved her silver spoon. “Credit where credit’s due.”

  “Thank you, I said, using a napkin to dap sauce from my lips.

  “Resident Hero’s almost wrapped, hasn’t it?” She shoved another spoonful of spaghetti into her mouth.

  “Thank god,” I said, though realizing how it sounded, having never shared with her my embarrassing run in with Le George. So I quickly followed this with, “Sarah Thompson will be off the lot.”

  “Though with her dating an executive it won’t be long before she’s back to haunt the place, I’m afraid,” Ellie said.

  Now it was my turn to shovel an overfull spoonful of pasta into my mouth, as though that alone might make me feel better.

  “She’ll move on,” Ellie said, detecting my angst. “Those kind of people eventually get bored and find some other poor soul to intimidate.”

  “Why?”

  “Why are some people so mean?” Ellie said. “Because they’re not happy with themselves. Have you noticed that the women who are kind and confident like themselves? I mean, you don’t see those types going out of their way to make other’s lives hell. Bullying is all about trying to make yourself feel better.”

  “I suppose we should feel sorry for her then,” I said, though doubted it was possible.

  “It’s all about personal growth,” Ellie offered. “Feeling good about yourself and letting their negativity pass over you.”

  “What happens though when they go out of their way to attack you, like Sarah did, cutting up my dress?” I leaned back, trying to find the right words. “Half of me wants to confront her, but I know she’s influential on the lot and could get me fired.”

  Ellie balanced her bowl on her lap. “She’s like a hornet’s nest. Best not to prod it.”

  “So that’s it?” I said. “She gets away with it?”

  Ellie looked thoughtful. “Let the universe do its thing.” She raised her fork to better make her point. “Bad karma’s coming her way. And you don’t want to be anywhere in the vicinity when it happens.”

  Nodding knowingly and agreeing with Ellie’s wisdom, I too stared off, wondering what the universe might have in mind for her.

  The doorbell rang.

  Ellie and I swapped a wary glance.

  “Who’s that?” she asked in all seriousness, as though I possessed telepathic powers and knew exactly who was standing on the other side.

  Placing my bowl on the table and throwing Teddy a warning glare not to dive on into my supper, I proceeded to the front door. Perhaps it was my new neighbor Dave wanting a cup of sugar? Using a clever ploy to chat with me again. My imagination ran on even further, wondering
if he was going to invite me to Santa Monica once more, only this time without Jane.

  I hoped Ellie’s suspicion was wrong and Dave was merely an overly enthusiastic metrosexual.

  “Why of course,” I practiced silently. “Dave, come on in. Fancy some home cooked bolognaise?”

  My hand rested on the doorknob. What if it was the FBI here to arrest me after my suspicious behavior during their walkthrough?

  I spun round and mouthed to Ellie. “Who do you think it is?”

  Her expression was incredulous. “What am I, psychic?”

  I rallied the courage to face whatever fate awaited me on the other side, while trying to see the benefits to wearing an orange prison jumpsuit. Why... I still had that discarded frosted orange lipstick I’d bought by mistake during a quick shopping trip to Target. That would go perfectly.

  I opened the door.

  Adam and Natalie stood there, smiling.

  “Hi,” I said, surprised.

  “The cavalry has arrived,” Adam said. “We’re here to measure you.” He raised his blue satchel in the air. “Cinderella’s going to the ball.”

  I let out a squeal and leapt back, gesturing for them to come in. “This is my friend Ellie,” I said, excitedly, “and these are my awesome friends from work, Adam and Natalie.”

  Ellie placed her bowl on the table and rose to greet them, almost tripping over Teddy, who also wanted to show his appreciation, only in licks.

  Natalie knelt to pat his head and ruffle his ears. “Hello there, cutie pie.”

  “And this is Teddy,” I said, happy to see him so thrilled to have visitors. “Are you guys’ hungry? There’s lots of spaghetti bolognaise if you want some?”

  Adam and Natalie swapped a hungry glance.

  “Only if it’s not an inconvenience,” Natalie said.

  “Of course not. I always make way too much.” I gestured to the couch. “Come sit down.”

  Natalie sat on the sofa and Adam joined her.

  Adam looked around. “I love what you’ve done with the place.” He nodded with approval. “See what she’s done.” He glanced at Natalie and then turned slightly, looking behind him. “Piper’s got a long table against the wall with the couch in front of it. So important not to have your furniture resting.”