Shadowboxer

by Tricia Sullivan

  ‘Whoa,’ I said. But I was thinking about the girl on my bath mat vanishing into thin air.

  ‘The phone that you found when you came back from Thailand? It’s mine.’

  ‘Yours. Did you set those thugs on us?’

  ‘Of course not! Johnny, the man who worked for Richard Fuller, he took the phone off me when he caught me spying. Then Mya gave it back to me. How you got it is a mystery.’

  ‘And Mr. B?’

  ‘Your manager has bluffed his way through with me and he behaves as if he really believes I’m writing a story about fighters. But he must know. And every time I come close to getting caught by Fuller’s hired thugs, something with this drug he’s given me kicks in, and I don’t remember anything about what I do or how I get away.’

  ‘You don’t remember anything?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘Do you wake up with blood all over you?’

  His face closed down. ‘No. I don’t. What did the police tell you?’

  ‘The police didn’t have to tell me anything. I saw you go into that tunnel like a rabbit, unarmed and running scared. And I saw you come out dragging a dead man. There was black smoke around you. I couldn’t really see you clearly. You were all shadowy. I thought I was losing it, but Shea, I’m not somebody who loses it. My dad is a violent guy. One of his best friends was a dealer, and I’ve been around convicts since I was little. I know what those guys are like and you’re not it. Nothing fits.’

  ‘I know.’

  I squinted at him. I was remembering the quivering wreck he’d turned into right after killing that guy.

  ‘You think it’s a drug? Could Fuller have drugged you with something that sets off... I don’t know... psychosis?’

  He shifted his weight from side to side. The tension was racking up in his body.

  ‘Like temporary insanity. Is that what you mean?’

  I shrugged. ‘You’re telling me you don’t remember going on an airplane and your passport didn’t get stamped. That right there is weirder than anything. And what about Mya? Shea, the girl disappeared before my eyes and I’m not taking any drugs.’ He said nothing.

  ‘Where does she go when she’s not here?’

  ‘She says she goes to Himmapan.’

  ‘Hippodrome? What’s that all about?’

  Shea sighed. ‘Maybe you should Google. Seriously. It’s a forest where the immortals live, according to Thai legend. But that’s all it is. Magic. I don’t believe in any of it.’

  He looked deflated, exhausted. I touched his arm.

  ‘Hey,’ I said. ‘You OK? What’s the matter?’

  ‘I can’t reconcile myself with what’s happening to my body. It doesn’t make sense. And I have this feeling all the time, it’s like there’s another one of me, a shadow...’

  He looked just miserable. I hate it when people are miserable. I said, ‘There’s a shadow over me, too. All my life. So what? Everyone has a dark side. Life is for living. If I wait until everything’s perfect to do what I want to do, I’ll be dead. You have to just go for it, Shea.’

  He was staring at me. It was distracting.

  We sat down on the sofa to eat. I was thinking about what he’d said. Out of the corner of my eye I was checking him out. I mean, OK, he was too skinny for me, and guys who are smarter than me always make me uncomfortable. I’d rather be the smart one. But... maybe Shea was different. This is going to sound stupid, but he smelled nice. He had a way about him. The way he talked to me made me feel good about myself; he made me sound like somebody I wasn’t, but somebody who I would like to be. The me he saw was better than the real me.

  And he killed an ex-SEALS private security agent and then got away from the police. That is hot.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ he asked. ‘You’re expecting me to do something, aren’t you? The man is supposed to be in control, right? That’s what women like. A man in control, mastering himself...’

  I narrowed my eyes. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

  ‘Oh, I was just comparing myself to your mate Khari. I mean, I don’t really have a chance with you compared to somebody like that, do I?’

  My face was getting hot.

  ‘You’d have a better chance if you were honest with me.’

  He sighed. ‘I’m trying. It’s not that easy.’

  Here we go again with the dark and smoldering eyes, goddamnit.

  ‘The way you look at me is freaking me out,’ I said.

  ‘How so?’

  I shrugged. ‘See, the guys I’ve known? They treat a woman like a car. They look at you and they’re trying to figure out, is she a V-4 or a V-8? Does she go off-road? How does she corner?’

  He laughed. ‘I honestly wasn’t thinking that.’

  ‘No. You weren’t. And that’s what’s weird.’

  ‘I was thinking how I wish you weren’t scared of me.’

  I laughed and slapped my knee. ‘I’m not scared of you!’

  He was right, I was a little scared of him. But I’d be damned if I’d admit it.

  He flushed. ‘I forget, you’re not like other girls.’

  I snorted. ‘Oh, thanks a lot.’

  After all, if you’re a tomboy like me you always think, well, maybe I’m not a real girl after all because real girls care about shoes. And—in my rich inner fantasy life—I was still hoping somehow that a hot guy who got me would come along. But guys usually go for the obvious stuff. T&A and lip gloss. When they pick me they’re usually keeping their options open for something better. I’ve had fantasies where Khari suddenly sees me, I mean really sees me, and says, ‘Jade, I don’t know how to tell you this but them ring girls got nothing on you.’

  And then they read the Lotto numbers and I find out I won eighteen million dollars. You know. Fantasies.

  Now Shea said, ‘I felt it about you from the first. I was drawn to you. It’s almost like a... smell.’

  ‘So now I smell?’ I was really laughing. We both were. I put my plate on the floor. We were sitting facing each other on the sofa now, not quite touching.

  ‘Tell me I’m way off base and I’ll go. Tell me I’m wrong.’

  I was twisting the end of a braid around my finger, smiling all stupid and looking down. What is up with that? I never twist my hair.

  ‘You’re not wrong,’ I said. ‘There is something.’

  I kissed him. He was surprised, but then he was into it. His lips were soft, and when I opened my mouth against his I felt him molding against me. His tongue filled my mouth, pushing into me suggestively. Like advertising what else he could do. I pulled away.

  ‘That’s what I was trying to get at,’ he murmured. He drew me against him and slid his hands up my back under my shirt. Skin on skin. It was amazing how fast I was into it. I’d be all over him in a second and there would be no stopping.

  I guess it had been a while for me. Too long. I mean, I had a few boyfriends in my mid-teens but after Dmitri went down for stealing cars and I picked up a misdemeanor, I just quit. Speaking of cars? I got tired of being the dirt bike that got left in the ditch when some Dodge Viper came along. And I mean, I knew I’d have a boyfriend again someday. I just wasn’t going to settle for anybody.

  Shea wasn’t just anybody.

  I pulled back.

  ‘Shea, do you have any idea how hard it is for me to stay out of trouble? Just me by myself, without any help from... from... the so-called Thai Mafia or whoever it is you’re dealing with?’

  He sighed and closed his eyes.

  ‘I know. I’m sorry. You have a competition next weekend. And I’m being... intrusive, and, and...’

  Oh, intrude again.

  ‘Maybe you should just go back to London until this blows over,’ I said. I loved saying that: go back to London. It made me feel like a Bond girl.

  ‘I can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’

  He seemed to realize he’d said something he shouldn’t have said, because he started freaking. He shot to his feet. />
  ‘You’re right. I shouldn’t even be here. It’s dishonorable to even think about you that way, given my circumstances. You’re going to regret this, and hate me for doing it, and... I’m going to go.’

  ‘Where?’ I said, standing up with him.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Where will you go? I hear there’s a price on your head.’

  He gave an uneasy laugh.God, he was nervous. I just knew he was hiding a lot of stuff from me and instead of being repelled by it, I liked it. What is wrong with me?

  ‘How did you get out of jail?’

  He laughed. ‘You make it sound like I broke out. Perez came and told me to go back to London. He said somebody above him in the chain of command didn’t want me in the system.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I presume Fuller gave an order. That’s how he works. Jade, this man has influences everywhere. If I talked to the F.B.I. about him he could have a real problem, so he made sure the police let me go.’ I felt cold. He was being so stupid.

  ‘Shea, don’t you get what that means? It means you’re going to be killed.’

  ‘Oh, I get it,’ he said. ‘It’s down to whether I can get the evidence I need on Fuller before his people can get to me. And that’s why I’m going to go. I’ve put you in enough danger already.’

  ‘I’m not exactly an innocent child,’ I told him. ‘ I can handle it. You can sleep here if you want. But you can’t stay here long term. Perez already thinks we’re involved.’

  ‘Are we?’

  We looked at each other.

  I said, ‘This is the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in. And that is saying something.’

  He ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it like he expected to pull some understanding out of his skull. ‘Yeah. I can’t... I can’t get over how you dealt with those guys. You knocked an armed man out cold.’

  ‘With a little help from a big ’ole wrench,’ I laughed. ‘Wish I was going to have one of those in the ring on Saturday night. And if I could sneak up on Gretchen from behind it would be a piece of cake.’

  ‘But I mean... how many people would have done that? You saved my life, Jade.’

  I felt myself going hot. But I wasn’t going to be distracted by flattery.

  ‘Are you sure?’ I questioned. ‘Because you killed that guy in the tunnel. You did—no, don’t close your eyes and pretend it didn’t happen. You killed him, Shea. What did you have, a knife? How did you keep from getting shot yourself?’

  He looked down at me and he seemed lost. He put his hands on my shoulders and leaned his forehead against mine.

  ‘I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I realize it’s an inadequate answer, but it’s all I’ve got for the moment.’

  I know one thing. There are very few people in this world who I can be myself with. Truly myself, not the wisecracking, angry, armored-up version. Just me. I think that’s why I like animals so much. They don’t mess you around like people do.

  Me and Shea were understanding each other on some physical level. Underneath words, underneath logic, underneath everything that I was supposed to be thinking about, I was getting into some kind of rhythm with him. He was right: it was like a smell, or a song you remember from long, long ago. There was something about him I just couldn’t resist. Didn’t want to. I wanted to be where he was.

  Our foreheads were touching and his hands were heavy on my shoulders. We were breathing the same air.

  I said, ‘Let’s go in my room.’

  I heard him take a long inhale. Then he shifted his hands south and picked my ass right up off the ground. I wrapped my legs around him and he carried me from there.

  And I’m not going to talk any more details. I’m not the type to brag. Let’s just say, it was good enough that even when it was happening, I knew it had to be a mistake. Some things are too good to be true.

  I guess that means I should regret it. Because of the crazy shit that went down after. But I don’t.

  Oh, no, I don’t regret one second of it.

  Can you Hear the Schadenfreude Angels Singing?

  THERE WAS AN engine rumbling in my ear. Was it a motorcycle? A Maserati? The sound was a deep, throbbing, sexy sound—but when I tried to turn and see where it was coming from, I found I’d rolled over in bed and wrapped my arms around something big and warm.

  Then last night all came back to me. Last night with Shea. He might not know who he was, but he knew his way around a girl’s body, and that was more than could have been said for my last boyfriend. But now I was waking up to the sound of a Maserati in my bedroom. And a face full of soft, nicely fragrant—where had I smelled that smell before?—this wasn’t skin, or hair... this was fur.

  Fur? Shea hadn’t been wearing fur. There was no fur in our apartment. Malu was a member of PETA. We’re talking fur-free zone.

  I came fully awake. My eyes opened, crustily. I disengaged my arms from the warm, furry, breathing bulk of something big, and as my vision started to focus I saw a jet black blur in the shape of a body that was bigger than a man. This thing was as big as a horse. It was surprising the bed hadn’t collapsed.

  I jerked back.

  Holy fucking Batman there’s a panther in my bed.

  I fell out of bed backwards with a thud, scrambled away in a crab-walk, then remembered the handgun I keep in my closet. Perez’s guys had confiscated it when they searched the place... shit, was the thing looking at me?

  No. It was still asleep, its head on the pillow looking very dignified, its eyes closed. It had stirred a little and sighed in its sleep, that was all.

  I pushed myself to my feet, naked, breathing very fast.

  It wasn’t a panther, for one thing. It was a lot bigger than that. It had a long, luxuriant mane and paws the size of dinner plates, and it was taking up most of my double bed.

  Had it eaten Shea? Should I try to find him?

  Or should I just leave?

  I had to pee.

  What day was it?

  Where had I left my phone?

  If this was the thing that killed Pierce, what chance did I have?

  It opened its eyes and raised its head.

  ‘I’m only a morsel,’ I heard myself whisper. ‘Don’t even bother, ’k, ’cos I’m stringy. But I’ll go to the deli for you. I’ll go get you a side of beef, or—’

  Suddenly it hit me that this lion looked exactly like Waldo, only much, much, much, much bigger.

  ‘I’m going to get you pizza,’ I said. The big cat didn’t stir. ‘I’ll be right back. Don’t move.’

  I started to edge towards the door, bending down to pick up my clothes as I went. I don’t know why; somewhere in my mind I didn’t want the headlines to show that a naked body had been found gobbled up in this apartment, didn’t want the hot sex I’d been having with Shea to be fodder for the National Enquirer, although if I’d thought about it at the time I’d have realized that if the lion killed me and ate me there would be nothing to find but disgusting traces—DNA evidence and red smears, no more. Still, I got my cut-offs on.

  In one bound, the lion was up and past me, blocking the door. It lunged at me, playfully almost, like a puppy bouncing from side to side. Or a goalkeeper. That took up most of the room.

  ‘OK, OK, we’ll stay in,’ I said. ‘Uh...’

  And without really thinking, I threw myself at the window, which was halfway open. I fully expected to be grabbed by the leg and made into cat chow at any moment, but that didn’t happen. I didn’t jump out, I quickly climbed to stand on the window frame, then hoisted myself on to the roof. Scraped my ribs in the process, too, because I was still topless and the edges of the shingles were rough.

  I looked down. The lion was staring up at me with great big yellow eyes. It stretched its mouth wide and let out a huge yawn. Then it turned and I saw it hop back into the bed. From here I couldn’t see the whole bed, but I could see the black tail with the fuzzy tuft at the end, drooping over the edge of the bed like a bell pull. I list
ened.

  The Maserati purring started up again. I swallowed a hysterical laugh. I was now conscious of being up on the roof of my building at eight o’clock on a weekday morning. Well, I’m guessing it was around eight, by the light and by the traffic I could hear on Anderson Ave., behind me. It was still cool, but you could feel that the day was going to get hot. Pigeons strutted across the roof, like they were amused by me.

  The sound of Don Ho singing ‘Tiny Bubbles in the Wine’ drifted up from the pocket of my shorts.

  I had a text from Khari. ‘U home? Got2talk.’

  Oh, man. A whole chorus of chickens was in my head, all going ‘fuck fuck fuck’ at once. If I knew Khari, he was texting me from his car and he was probably about three blocks away. If Eva was with him I didn’t know what I’d do. Where’s one of those portable manholes like the Road Runner has when you really need one? I’d drop the manhole, jump down it, and then pull it down after myself so there’d be no trace of my existence.

  Right. Got to get off the roof. I was topless in broad daylight. Lucky what I got is small, and I could pretty much cover them with one hand and a forearm while I scuttled across the roof until I was just above the hallway over the stairs, at the back of the building. There’s a window there that opens on to the landing. It’s always locked, but...

  I hung over the edge of the roof and leaned over to try to prise the edge of the window open but couldn’t reach it, so I leaned further. I got my finger in the gap and if I could just stretch a little further...

  I fell. Landed in the privet hedge below.

  Need I saw ow? I’m talking lacerations-style ow. I rolled out of the hedge and on to a strip of lawn belonging to the next door neighbours, bleeding, still topless, and of course barefoot. Buenos dias, Jade. Getting laid always has its price.

  I darted through the neighbours’ yard without anybody seeing me, hit the sidewalk and then caught some unwelcome attention from a passing car full of boys from my school. Oh frig. I flipped them the bird with my free hand and ran around to the front of the building. I would just have to buzz Irene and tell her I’d locked myself out. She would give me a hard time, but at least she’d have to let me in. We do pay rent.