by Sandra Bats
I stared at him for a while, trying to read his eyes, to know whether he was joking. Questions bubbled to the surface when he kissed me softly. He rolled me onto my back, moving over my body, softly smiling and gazing at me.
“How was it?” I was surprised by my own question. Not because I didn’t want to know, but because I thought I’d be too shy to ask. Jayden frowned.
“What do you mean?”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Don’t play dumb. I mean the first time you had sex.”
“You’re the only girl who’s ever asked me to tell her about the women before her, you know.”
Now he was just trying to buy time and I nudged him lightly to make sure he knew I was serious. He rolled onto his side, arms crossed behind his head as he settled on his back and stared at the ceiling.
“You shouldn’t ask me things like that. But I said you could ask anything.”
He seemed a little agitated as he turned to face me and gave me a weak smile. His hand rested on my ribs, his thumb brushing calming circles against my skin.
“I was only fourteen. I’d been in sniper training for three months and on the weekends the older guys went into town, dragging us trainees along. Usually the group ended up at a brothel somewhere downtown. They’d play cards, get drunk and disappear with a woman. When they came back they’d make fun of us younger ones. The usual stuff, you know? About us being too young to get a woman. We ignored it in the beginning but over time one or the other would scramble up some cash and disappear with a woman himself. I didn’t. Admittedly, their jokes annoyed me, but they hadn’t witnessed a girl transport from one of the labs like I had. One like Maddy’s. I knew those girls weren’t there out of their own free will. By that time, I’d killed and plundered, but I was hell bent on not putting rape on that list as well.”
He paused, searching my face. “This one night I was sitting in there and the guys annoyed me, so I went to get some air. It was summer. Still incredibly hot though it was well past midnight. There was a girl on the street corner in front of a bakery. She was trying to lift sacks of flour from a car and carry them inside. I was bored so I offered her help. Carried them inside for her and she said she had nothing to pay me with. I said it didn’t matter and we sat down and talked for a moment. Suddenly she kissed me on the lips. One thing led to the other and that was it. I left and never saw her again.”
I swallowed, trying to force the pictures of a pretty girl covered in flour touching Jayden from my mind.
“How … how was it?”
He scoffed. “Awkward. Not only is lying on top of sacks of flour pretty uncomfortable, the flour dust also made it nearly impossible to breathe. And it was embarrassing. For me more than her. The whole thing didn’t take very long.”
He wrinkled his nose in mock embarrassment.
“What did she look like?”
“Why? You going to stalk and kill her?” He exhaled, thinking. “She wasn’t special. My age, maybe a year older. Brown hair. She was the baker’s daughter, helping him out alone that night cause he was sick. Her name was Kayla something. She wore blue panties. I stole them on the way out as proof for the guys. Not my most honorable move.”
“Do you still have them?” I blurted, knowing it made me sound jealous.
Jayden chuckled lowly. “No. I tossed them out soon after.” He gently stroked my cheek. “She didn’t matter. None of them did. I can’t even truly remember why I did it.”
I rolled onto my side to face him and mindlessly brushed some hair from his forehead. Asking the questions on my mind, questions that had been caused by things Maddy said, had become easier the more I asked them.
“Was she a virgin?” I whispered, because nonetheless I still couldn’t say them in a normal voice.
Jayden blew out a breath. “I don’t know. Why?”
I could feel my face heat up and didn’t meet his eyes, instead I picked at some lint on the bedsheets. “Something Maddy said made me think of it. Awful, actually; she said they sold her … her virginity to the highest bidder. And I don’t even understand the appeal. I mean, why sell virgins? Aren’t they like horribly inexperienced and all?”
Jayden rubbed a hand over his face, then sighed. “I guess it’s about power. At least if we’re talking about girls like Maddy, you know? If we’re talking actual relationships it might be a bit more about jealousy.”
“If I weren’t a virgin … Would you mind?”
Jayden’s arms tightened around me and I wasn’t even sure he was aware of it.
“No. Well, it depends.” He breathed once. “What I mean is I wouldn’t mind if you’d had sex before. Not in the way that you mean, at least. If it’d been with a guy who treated you right and all that, if you’d wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still be jealous. What would bother me though are the circumstances, I guess. You know, the idea of what happened with Maddy. Someone forcing himself on you; it’s pretty close to being unbearable. I’d track him down and make sure he suffered.”
His breathing was uneven and it took a moment for him to calm down. Then he watched me for a moment longer and when he spoke his voice was soft.
“You know I don’t mind how things are between us, right? I mean, just because we talk about my past I don’t want you thinking I miss those days. None of the women I’ve been with has ever gotten my heart racing just by looking at me and none of them ever would’ve asked me about my past or anything personal for that matter. I don’t want you to think I miss that and even if you’re never ready for sex, I don’t mind.” He paused, his eyes searching my face, a small line between his brows. “I do wonder though, all these questions about sex … Does that mean it’s something that’s been on your mind recently?”
I blushed but didn’t hide my face. “I guess. Well, not specifically you and me, you know, just overall wondering.”
Jayden smirked slowly. “Wondering, huh? Well, I distinctly remember you referring to sex as ‘disgusting’. Guess something must’ve changed your mind, huh?”
I lazily shoved at his chest. “I probably hit my head and lost my mind. It’s the only explanation as to why I thought you were a catch.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. You know what? Telling me I’m not awesome is totally unbelievable when you’re lying in my arms.”
We were both laughing and joking after that and I couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend my afternoon.
◆◆◆
That evening Jayden and I walked back from the cafeteria, ready to head into town. Maddy stood in front of our room. I looked over at Jayden who wordlessly disappeared into his office. I stopped in front of my silent sister and for a moment she just stared back at me. It was like looking into a mirror and seeing a younger version of myself.
“Can we talk?” Her diction wasn’t exactly the friendliest but at least she wasn’t yelling. I led her inside, ignoring that she’d likely notice the unmade bed.
She cowered on the edge of the couch and clung to the fabric, looking ready to take flight if she had to. I waited for her to speak, watching as her eyes flitted across the room, never settling anywhere but the door.
“I thought you were dead. I assumed that by now you’d died from childbirth or their experiments. I wasn’t even sure if Norah was still alive and I thought I might be the only one left of our family. Then I saw you in the market and at first, I thought you were a hallucination. But he grabbed you and held you back and I realized this was real. You were there, and you weren’t fighting him to let you go, to get to me.”
I smirked. “Jayden would probably disagree with you. I clawed and kicked at him. If I’d made it to you though, they’d have killed us both.”
Maddy tensed at his name, but refrained from shouting as she spoke.
“He’s a murderer. He was one of them. Marli was my friend. We were in the same cell and we’d eat together, and we’d hold each other at nights when we were too afraid to sleep. She grew sick and she was hallucinating from the fever when we were in the comm
issary. She got up and I couldn’t hold her back. She ran for the door and that’s when your ‘good guy’ shot her right between the eyes.”
I let images of the incident fly through my head and my heart broke for my little sister’s pain. Still, I understood what happened, that killing Marli had been the only way Jayden could have prevented himself and his sister from being killed. I even considered what would have happened if he’d only aimed to injure Marli. They wouldn’t have shown her mercy, not by the understanding I had of the labs. They wouldn’t have treated her wounds, they would’ve let her die from them as an example to the other girls, especially as she’d already been ill anyway.
“How can you defend him, when he killed a human being? Why was his sister’s survival more important than my friend’s?”
I swallowed. “It wasn’t. I’m not saying it’s right or fair, but I do understand it. I would’ve done the same exact thing for you and Norah. And yes, Jayden has a terrible past, but ever since he escaped the lab, he’s done nothing but protect people. Look around, all the people living here, they’re safe because of him. I’m alive because of him and frankly, you wouldn’t be here without him either. I’m not asking you to be best friends with him. You don’t even have to like him for all I care but please don’t be so hostile. He risked his life to save you. We all did.”
Maddy snorted and threw a pointed look at the unmade bed. “Sure, there’s nothing in it for him.”
I scowled, then straightened my back. “If you’re hinting at sex, let me assure you it would be much easier for him to go into town and find a girl there.”
“Are you guys, like, a couple?”
Her tone implied that was the craziest and most unbelievable thing she could imagine.
“Not officially,” I admitted softly.
“See? He’s stringing you along. Why else would he keep it unofficial?”
She was so quick to pass judgment. She reminded me of myself just a few months earlier.
“He’s not the reason we’re not official. I am. In the beginning I, too, thought he had a hidden agenda, but sometimes people just want to help you. You need to let them in. I know trusting is difficult, but maybe you could try.”
As if on cue, a soft knock made Maddy jump. I opened the door and Jayden was looking at me. “I’m getting ready to head into town for intel on Rowan.” He glanced up and at Maddy then back at me. “I can take one of the guys if you want to stay here.”
I felt torn. I wanted to go with him, but Maddy and I needed to talk. So I asked Jayden to find someone else.
“Hey, no worries. I’ll be back in a couple hours. I’ll just grab my jacket.”
He gave Maddy a curt greeting as he walked to take the jacket from the hook and surprisingly my sister acknowledged his existence by looking at him. When he passed back by me he gently brushed his hand over my shoulder, leaving it tingling.
“I’ll see you later,” he murmured.
“I’ll see you at breakfast,” I responded.
“Earlier,” he mouthed and winked, a small smile playing around his lips.
I closed the door and took a deep breath before turning back to Maddy. Jayden would only be gone for a night but I was nervous that something could happen to him.
“Mom always said lovers were idiots.”
“Mom also never found a guy who was worth keeping. I don’t care what you think about Jayden and me. I mean, of course I’d like you to be ok with it. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t think you understand it — well, most of the time I don’t even understand it. What I do know is: I’m glad you’re here and I’d love if we could work on getting to know each other again.”
Maddy assessed me, her posture relaxing a bit. She was cautious, but she no longer looked like she’d run away any moment.
“Will I have to stay?” She tested her boundaries.
“I can’t force you to. Maybe you can at least tell me goodbye before you leave.”
“I’m not sharing a room with you and him.”
Coming from her, it sounded like a peace offering. I grinned.
“I’m sure Jayden would leave the room to us. Or you could stay with Jane if it’s all right with her.”
“I like learning stuff from her. It keeps me busy when she tells me about all those meds. Besides, I don’t want to keep the lovebirds apart.”
For a moment we stared at each other. She looked young, far too young to carry the weight of her past and I found myself speaking softly.
“If you ever need someone to talk about what happened to you, you can always come to me.”
For the first time in the conversation Maddy truly met my eyes and held my gaze.
“Tell you about what? How they raped me? How they sold me to that brothel? Telling you about it isn’t going to change anything. It’s just going to make you feel bad and myself angry at you for pitying me.”
I needed a moment to catch my breath. What she’d said couldn’t settle in my mind because it was too difficult to imagine.
Maddy stared down at her fingers, uneasily clearing her throat. “So, you have no clue where Norah is?”
“No. A guard once mentioned they keep the younger kids at a different compound but that’s all I know.”
The conversation ebbed and Maddy grew anxious to get away.
Once she left, I was mentally exhausted. I collapsed on the bed and buried my face in the pillow, mourning the childhood my sister had lost and the easy connection between us that went with it.
Twenty-Nine
Jayden
“You want to get yourself killed, fine by me, but you’re not taking Josh down with you!” Cam huffed, got to his feet and paced the short length of the office. The room seemed even more packed with his moving about. It was already at capacity with Josh, Cam, Elin and me crowded around the desk.
Josh and I’d just wanted to discuss the information we’d gathered the night before. Elin had sat in the corner, reading. Cam, however, had joined because he was worried about Josh.
I got that. Cam was worried that Josh wasn’t old enough to be out on patrol. There was no point in reminding Cam that his life had been a lot more dangerous than Josh’s when he’d been his age.
I couldn’t deal with his overprotectiveness at the time. We’d finally gotten info on Rowan’s whereabouts. We could confront him. The problem was, I needed Josh’s help to hotwire Rowan’s motorcycle.
“Fine. If you think Josh can’t handle it, I’ll get someone else,” I relented.
Everybody caught onto my strategy immediately, everybody except for Josh, who grew agitated.
“You can’t keep treating me like a child, Cam! I’m seventeen. I’m a legal adult everywhere except here. Actually, I’m an adult here too. I can do guard duty and all that.”
Cam pinched the bridge of his nose. “You idiot. An adult would see through Jayden goading you. Don’t you know he’s saying you can’t handle it just so you tell me you can?
Josh didn’t acknowledge his cousin’s rebuttal. “You can’t stop me from going. Personally, I think it’s a solid plan.” He turned towards me again. “When did you want to leave?”
I checked my watch, not looking at Cam. I’d have to deal with his anger later. “As soon as possible, I guess. I think Pablo still needs to finish his shift, but after that he should be free to tag along. Can you fill him in on the plan?”
Josh agreed and quickly double checked that he understood the plan. “Pablo will shadow you and take out the guard who protects Rowan before you take out Rowan, right? Then Pablo leaves with me through the back while you take the front exit on Rowan’s motorcycle, tricking them into thinking you’re him?”
It wasn’t the most well thought-out plan but it could work. Rowan prided himself on his motorcycle; nobody was to touch it. If they saw someone wearing his clothes and helmet on it the rebels would surely think it was him. It’d buy us enough time to get out of there.
Once Josh hurried out of the room Cam glared at me. “That wa
s a low blow. What are you thinking dragging him into this?” Cam asked.
I met my friend’s eyes. “He’s right, you know? He’s an adult. He would be one by government standards and he’s even one by ours. It’s why he’s on patrol duty at all. We said seventeen’s the age we draw the line. You can’t keep treating him like a kid because you’re not ready to let go.”
“It’s not your fucking decision to make,” Cam said. “He worships the ground you walk on, wants to be like you, always flirting with the girls in town. Doesn’t mean you can take advantage of that. You’d better bring him back safe or we’re through.”
I flinched at Cam’s sharp words but I stood by my decision. “He’s the only one who can hotwire Rowan’s bike. I think you’re being overprotective. But if you really don’t think he’s ready for it, I’ll tell him to stay here.”
Cam scoffed. “If you tell him to stay back now, it won’t be you he’ll hate for it. It’ll be me. Damn it, just make sure to bring him back in one piece.” He slammed the door on his way out.
I sighed heavily. I’d almost forgotten Elin was in the room when she cleared her throat. By the look on her face I knew whatever she would say wouldn’t make my mood better.
“Can I come along?” she asked.
“No.” I wasn’t going to fight about it with her. I moved to the door, fleeing to our room but she followed me.
“Why not?” she asked when she closed the door of our room. I glanced up from my spot on the corner of the bed. It wasn’t that I didn’t think she was strong enough to come along. I knew she was. I knew how Rowan would look at her though. What the rebels thought of women. They weren’t much better than our government in that regard.
“If you come along, Rowan will know you mean something to me. He’ll try to use that against me and I can’t risk that. I know you could take it but I can’t. He would use you to rile me up and it would work.”