by Sandra Bats
“I don’t think she hates you. She knew you’d killed before and that never made her hate you. Why now?”
I scoffed. “I think there’s a difference between the vague notion that I killed someone and the knowledge that it affected her sister. Besides, what’s she supposed to do? Defend me against Madison? She needs her. I can’t expect Elin to stand by me through this.”
“Oh, come on. She knows you had no choice. If you hadn’t shot that girl, your life or Abby’s life would’ve been forfeited.”
I looked around the room. Ran a hand through my hair. “But there’s always a choice. I hesitated long enough for Elin to shoot me when she escaped. What would’ve happened if I’d done that before? Why her? Who am I to decide who gets to live or die?”
Cam shook his head at me. He pointed out that if I’d hesitated before Elin I might’ve been killed. That with me dead and another guard in place, Elin may not have escaped when she did. He argued that I’d done the only thing possible at that time that would ensure both Elin and I would wind up where we had.
“Sounds selfish. Wouldn’t it be better I’d sacrificed myself for someone else? Maybe things would’ve changed. Maybe more girls could’ve run.”
“Jay, I’m not saying the world wouldn’t be a better place if we all were more selfless. But sometimes we need to do what we think is right and deal with the consequences. Sometimes they’re good. Like you and Elin being together. If anything had been different that day you might’ve never met her. Of course there are also negative consequences. Like Maddy hating you. The question is: are the good ones worth enduring the bad? Is Elin worth it? Are you happy and all that jazz?”
“Yeah.” It was an easy confession to make. “I don’t think she’ll see it that way, though.”
Cam rolled his eyes. “Idiot. There’s no point wracking your mind about it. Why are you even still here? It might be painful, but you should talk to her. Yeah, she’s stubborn, but seriously, I don’t think she’ll give up that easily. You might have to grovel for a while, but there are things worth groveling for in this world.”
I grinned and got up from my chair.
“So, what’s it gonna be?” Cam asked when I was at the door.
“I’m going to grovel.”
I heard him laugh as I walked down the hallway.
◆◆◆
When I reached our door, I took a steadying breath. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Or what to wish for. She could yell at me or ignore me. I pushed the door open.
Elin sat on the floor by the couch. She giggled and it was unusually girly. I stepped a little closer and saw the almost empty bottle of whiskey on the floor.
I crouched by her feet and she looked at me with a confused expression. Her eyes were red and swollen like she’d been crying. She seemed to have trouble focusing. She giggled again.
“I see you two.”
I grinned a little. It was cute how she tried to pronounce the words without slurring. “I think you mean that you see me twice.”
“Yeah. Twice. Two times. Same difference.”
I sat cross-legged in front of her. At least she wasn’t shouting at me. That was good.
“You’re drunk.”
Her shrug was weak, but her smile left her face.
“I know. I just didn’t want to be a bad person. I thought maybe it would help me forget. Make it hurt less.”
“Sweetheart, it never really does.”
She tugged on my hand and I moved to her side. Our shoulders brushed. She didn’t let go of my hand. She didn’t seem appalled at all.
“I don’t think you’re a bad person. For all that’s worth. I think your sister’s not really angry with you. She hates the world and she has every right to. You’re just the one she lashed out at,” I said.
“I … abandoned her.”
She had a hard time with the word abandoned. Like her tongue was too heavy for it. “You didn’t. You saved her.”
“I don’t mean that,” Elin slurred. “I mean because I defended you. She said those awful things about you and I told her to not be mean to you. Not because you didn’t do it. I know you did but I don’t care! I mean, I do care, but not enough, not enough to hate you and then I hate myself, because I just don’t want you to go. She can hate me and yell and all, but I want you here and I’ll always choose you and maybe I lo—”
I kissed her to stop her. I was afraid she might not mean it. Afraid she might take it back in the morning. I wasn’t sure I could deal with that.
Instead I framed her face with my hands. I kissed her, and whispered how I wanted to reverse time and make it all better. Make her hurt less. She moved into my lap. She took my breath away. Her slender fingers tangled in my hair and I couldn’t think.
I’d been so afraid of losing her. Of her hating me. She pushed my shirt up, stripping it off me. She was life and happiness. My heart raced while I removed her shirt. She exhaled into my mouth. She tasted just the tiniest bit like whiskey.
I flinched back. Doing the right thing suddenly seemed so difficult. I pushed her away when she tried stealing another kiss.
“Jayden!” she pouted.
“Stop,” I murmured. “You’re drunk.”
“Am not!”
Her cheeks were flushed, and her lips were red and swollen from kissing. She dropped her lashes and bit her lower lip. I cleared my throat.
“You are. You should sleep it off. Everything will be better in the morning.”
◆◆◆
It had been a few days since Maddy had been with us. She still hated my guts and wasn’t talking much to Elin. If she did it was mainly to insult me. I didn’t care too much. She had the right to hate me if she wanted too. I didn’t like how sad it made Elin though. She kept telling me it was enough to know Maddy was safe but it was obvious she would love to actually talk to her sister instead of hearing through Jane how Maddy was doing.
“So, Jane told me Maddy’s interested in learning from her,” Elin said.
“That’s great,” I answered. “Did she always want to become a doctor?”
Elin looked around the cafeteria. “What do I know? She always liked to take care of injured animals, I guess. She once built a splint for a bird with a broken wing.”
Jane walked over to us, carrying a plate and Maddy followed close behind. When Jane sat down at our table, Maddy wrinkled her nose.
“Well, I’m not sitting here! Tell me, Elin, how can you sit next to him?” I was subjected to an evil glare. “I wouldn’t be able to eat knowing I’d been at the mercy of his kind. It’s disgusting.”
Maddy went to another table. She left Elin staring at her plate. Her jaw was clenched, and she pushed herself to her feet. I watched as she walked over to Maddy’s table. Hell, everybody watched. It was like waiting for an accident to happen. You couldn’t look away. Elin pressed her hands on Maddy’s table, asking her to come with her so they could talk. Maddy didn’t even look up.
“I’m eating. You can’t force me to talk to you.”
Elin closed her eyes for a moment.
“Fine then. You want it this way? Listen here, I’m sick of your bullshit. I get that your life’s been shitty and horrible, and I’m unbelievably sorry I couldn’t get to you earlier. I really am. But it gives you no right to treat me or Jayden or anybody else like scum. You’re lucky to have food, a home and safety. There are people who risked their lives for you. People who didn’t even know you, who risked their lives for you just because I asked them to. If you want to be angry at the world, be my guest. The world sucks! But you better stop making it worse for everyone. Stop insulting my friends. I won’t accept it anymore.”
“He killed my friend!” Maddy hurled back at Elin, rising from her chair.
“Maddy, he would’ve been killed if he didn’t. He was a victim, too. Many of the guards were. You don’t know the full story. Jayden did some terrible things — we all have — but he also saved you. Because let’s be perfectly honest here, without Jayden, you
and I would both have been dead the moment I saw you at the market.”
“We’ve been as good as dead since you led them to our house! It’s always been your fault. Mom died protecting you from that guy. You didn’t think I’d figured that out? Her and grandpa would both still be alive if it hadn’t been for you. It’s your fault they’re dead!”
Elin flinched, taking a tiny step backwards but she didn't look away from her sister. “I get that you’re hurting Maddy. I get that you’re in pain but I won’t let you blame this on me. It’s taken me forever to stop thinking their death was my fault. You say that Jayden was at fault for pulling the trigger and that it doesn’t matter whether he was forced to do it, and at the same time, you think it’s my fault that our family died, rather than the fault of the ones who harmed them. It can only be one or the other, Madison.” Elin gave her sister a last, long look. “You want to talk, you know where to find me. If not, fine by me. But we’re done until you’re willing to listen instead of blame.”
When Elin left the room, everybody remained silent for a moment. I was too stunned to speak. Maddy stared at her plate; her face was red. I couldn’t tell if it was from anger or embarrassment.
◆◆◆
I found Elin a few minutes later, outside in the cold air. The wind tugged on her hair, making it dance in a wild pattern around her face. When I opened the door, she turned and smiled tightly. She held her head high and shoved her hands into her pockets. She looked like a weight had been taken off her shoulders and it suited her.
“You ok?”
She kicked lightly at the snow. “Yeah. It was about time I told her to stop. I couldn’t listen to her say those things about you anymore. It wasn’t fair.”
I kissed the top of her head. “I would’ve been fine, you know. I can actually take being insulted by your little sister.”
I winked; Elin smiled, blowing warm air into her hands.
“I know. I couldn’t take you being insulted by her though.”
“Really? How come?”
Elin threw me an annoyed look. “Same reason you never liked Alex talking shit about me.”
“Cause I love you?”
These days I’d gotten used to saying the words. They no longer seemed to surprise Elin, either. There was still an awkward silence each time I said them. A silence in which Elin didn’t look at me. A silence during which I stared at her even more. Both of us danced around the damn subject.
Of course I wanted to hear her say the words. Actually, it had always been somewhere in the back of my mind ever since she’d almost said them drunkenly. I wasn’t even sure she remembered. It was just a teeny bit nerve-wracking to wait for that reassurance from her. Judging by how long that awkward silence stretched on, she knew I wanted to hear those words.
I cleared my throat eventually and ran a hand through my hair.
“Anyway, uhm … hope you didn’t make matters with her worse for my sake.” I blew out a deep breath and pointed towards the building. “I gotta … I’ll just be inside.”
I turned but she called out my name. “It’s not that I don’t … It’s not that I don’t feel like that. I just … It’s going to change everything when I say it and I’m scared of that.”
I forced a grin when I looked at her. “I don’t want you to say it because you’re feeling pressured or anything. … This isn’t easy for me either, ok? Let me just go and it’ll be less … awkward.” I chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all. “Come on, let me stop making a fool out of myself. I’ll be in the office.”
“Jayden.”
I’d taken just three steps towards the building and she’d caught up to me. She grabbed ahold of my sleeve. I really wished she’d just let the topic go. I wasn’t sure I could take another monologue explaining why she couldn’t say it.
“It is awkward and scary, you’re right. It must seem stupid to you that I won’t just say it, but I’ve never said those words to anyone before. Well, maybe my mom or grandpa. But not romantically, you know.”
I forced a smile when she paused to look up at me. I understood. But that didn’t mean I didn’t wish things were different. She opened her mouth as if she were going to add something to her speech, but she glanced away from my face. She still held onto my sleeve and so there wasn’t much for me to do but wait. She squeezed her eyes shut for the tiniest second and then she sighed like she was coming to a resolution.
“I love you!” She dropped her hand back to her side and did a little awkward shrug. “There. I said it.”
“Do you mean it?” I asked because this was also new for me and I wasn’t sure if she was saying it to please me.
“Of course, I mean it, you moron!” She giggled lightly. “I’ll say it again. I love you. You happy yet? I love you!”
I laughed when she dramatically pronounced each of the words. “Ok, ok. I get it. Don’t say it too often, you’ll wear it out.”
Elin groaned and grabbed ahold of the front of my shirt. She rolled her eyes as she told me to shut up. I objected for the fun of it but then she got up on her toes and I couldn’t resist the kiss she offered. I buried my hands in her fiery curls. When she pulled back I had a big smile plastered on my face. I dropped my forehead to hers and raised an eyebrow in question.
“So, you said the words; where’s all that change you’ve been talking about?”
She punched my arm lightly and pulled out of my grasp.
“Be nice, or I’ll take it back.”
She walked back towards the building, but I caught up to her a second later. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and squeezed her to my side.
“You wouldn’t. You love me!” I teased.
She narrowed her eyes at me and I swooped down to plant a tiny kiss to the tip of her nose, but not before adding:
“I love you, too!”
Twenty-Eight
Elin
Jayden crushed me to his chest without hesitation. He smiled against my lips and I marveled at the effect I had on him. Sometimes it was easy to forget that he could be insecure as well and needed to be reassured of my feelings for him.
Having been scared to admit what I’d felt for a long time seemed silly now. If I had known I’d get that reaction, I wanted to tell him over and over again. I wanted to whisper tender words between kisses, wanted to breathe them onto his skin. I tugged those three words into every corner of my brain, let them chase away any dark thoughts, filling everything with light.
I loved Jayden. There was no longer any doubt it in my mind and my skin tingled with the magnitude of that truth. We walked back inside, occasionally kissing as we stumbled back to our room, too giddy to let go of each other. Jayden kicked the door shut and I knocked into our bed and fell backwards. There was laziness in the way Jayden lay down next to me, as if we had all the time in the world and no reason to hurry. Maybe telling him I loved him meant exactly that.
A giggle forced itself from my lungs and Jayden’s lips brushed against mine as he asked what I was giggling about. I hugged him close once more, inhaling deeply and memorizing his scent.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” I whispered.
A while later, it could have been minutes but the fading light outside our window placed it more around hours, we still lay cocooned in our own world, hidden away between feelings, tender words and entangled limbs.
Jayden had switched on the dim bedside lamp so we could make out each other’s faces. I was curled into his side, facing him while his fingers idly brushed along the waistband of my pants. He kept pushing them down just enough for my hip bones to show and — though I’d spent hours obsessing over how they seemed too pointy, too bony — I didn’t care when he bent down to brush his lips along them in a feather light kiss. With Jayden, no matter what I looked like, I felt beautiful. He moved his lips along the curve of my waist, up towards my shoulder.
“Mhm, you’re getting softer.” He mumbled against my skin and when I raised a questioning eyebrow he smiled. “I like
it. I was worried you’d dissolve into skin and bones.”
I lifted my face to his, scrunching my nose up. “You know, everybody tells me how charming you are but there’s nothing cute about telling a girl she looks like she’s starving.”
“Well, lucky me. I’m handsome enough to make up for my bad flirting.”
While his voice was serious his eyes glistened with mischief. I made a show out of looking at his naked chest, letting my eyes travel downwards to his waistband, where a line of blond hair disappeared and then looked back up at his face. I made an effort to keep my expression unfazed though my mouth had gone dry. I made an unimpressed sound.
Jayden’s mouth dropped open in mock horror. “You don’t think I’m handsome? But look at this body!”
I laughed and bit my lip, trying to keep the blush from my cheeks as I let my eyes wandered over him again, allowing my gaze to linger at his waistband.
“My, my, Elin, if I didn’t know it any better, the way you’re blushing, I’d say you’re thinking about undressing me.”
I couldn’t keep my cheeks from turning completely scarlet, making Jayden laugh even more. Well, I knew the biological aspects of what guys looked like but imagining Jayden completely naked was a whole different thing. His lips were cool against my skin when he placed a soft kiss right beneath my ear. “Don’t worry. I’ve thought about getting you naked before.”
My heart literally skipped a beat and I gasped, coaxing a deep chuckle from Jayden that I could feel rumbling through his chest where it was pressed against me.
“You’re so adorably innocent. And here I am, trying to corrupt you.”
I snorted. “Well, thanks for the warning.”
“You signed up for it,” he joked. A little more seriously, he added: “You know this makes me nervous, too, right? You trusting me and all that.”
“Oh, come on. It’s not like sex is new to you.”
He grinned. “No, it isn’t. This, though, you and me, and really being with someone — that is. Just thinking about someday maybe sleeping with you makes me more nervous than I was my first time.”