by Lyssa Layne
Slowly, the passion I remember from when I first became a firefighter vibrates in my chest. I smile as the fire diminishes and smoke takes its place. Maybe I was all wrong about Murph, maybe he knew I just needed to be reset and that’s why he sent me here. My grin grows to the size of Texas as the fire is completely gone and I make my way out of the building. I pull off my mask and toss my helmet to the ground, proud of my work inside.
“What’s this?”
A hand brushes at the shoulder of my coat. I glance down to the owner of the arm. A dark haired firefighter grimaces at me, his blue eyes alive with their own fire. His turnout coat reads “Chandler” as his last name and the expression on his face isn’t inviting. Essentially, nothing new to me since my own crew reacts to me the same way.
“What’s what?” I ask, narrowing my eyes, confused at what he’s talking about.
“The chip on your shoulder.”
He shakes his head and turns away from me. I look at my shoulder one more time then walk after him, calling to him but he ignores me. Picking up the pace, I get closer to him and grab his arm. He turns around and scowls.
“What are you talking about, man?” I repeat now that I have his attention.
“You came here for training but you didn’t listen to a thing the lieutenant said.”
I shrug and cross my arms. “It was a basic house fire, same thing you learn on day one of fire school. There was nothing to listen to.”
“Wrong. If you had listened, you would’ve learned a new technique that allows us to put out fires faster and safer, creating less damage. It’s a shame that chip on your shoulder won’t let you get better at what you do.”
“Look, man, I don’t have a chip on my shoulder. I get better at my job every day, the more I experience, the more I learn.”
Chandler sneers and shakes his head. “Then why are you here?”
My stomach flips. The man caught me in a boldface lie. Lately, I haven’t been getting better at my job, I’ve only been getting worse. Knowing I don’t have to see this firefighter every day, I drop my head and shrug.
“Maybe I do have a chip on my shoulder, it’s what’s holding me back.”
His hand lands on my shoulder again, squeezing it hard. “Well, there you go, that’s half the battle, admitting that. Now, what’s the chip about?”
Looking up, I eye Firefighter Chandler, trying to decide if I trust him enough to tell him the truth. After a few seconds, I’m still not sure, but knowing I have no one else to talk to about this and after today, I’ll probably never see him again, I decide to go for it.
“A girl.”
He chuckles. “It’s always a girl.”
I run my hand over my hair and sigh. “It’s my roommate. She’s dating a guy that’s bad news but when I told her to stay away from him, she freaked out that I was trying to control her because of our past.”
Chandler lifts his eyebrow. “Your past?” I open my mouth to explain but he shakes his head. “Look, man, I don’t know what your situation is with this woman but I can tell you there’s things in life you can’t control. As a firefighter, you should know that. We can study and learn and try our best to understand fire, but ultimately, it does what it wants, whether we want it to or not. That’s how life is too. Now, be honest with yourself… do you not want her around this guy because he’s bad news or because you have a thing for her?”
My mouth drops open at his accusation but I quickly shut it because he’s right. “The guy is bad news and I’m worried about her but yeah… I do have a thing for her. She knows it, I know it, but she shuts it down because she insists that we can’t ruin our relationship because we need each other as roommates.”
Chandler nods. “Tough situation there. My parents died in a fire and I struggled for years because there was nothing I could do to save them, it’s why I became a firefighter. She might shut it down on the relationship thing but if you honestly feel like she’s in danger with that guy, then you need to do something about it. It might hurt your relationship more than if you acted on your feelings for her but if her safety is at risk, you have to protect her.”
His words make everything click into place. I finally understand why I’ve been so stressed out about this whole situation. No matter what, I’m going to lose Mariana, either way this plays out, but I have to do what’s best for her, not me. When I get back to New York, I’m going to have to set her straight about Kade Sumerton, even if it means losing her friendship.
“Get that chip off your shoulder, Jefferson, then you’ll do just fine so long as you listen to your crew.”
I look up at Chandler, not knowing more than his last name, and smile. Stepping forward, I throw one arm around him, pounding his back in the traditional bro hug and he does the same to me. Engine 58 back home might just be my co-workers but I’ve at least got one brother of fire with this Dallas firefighter which is enough to give me the courage to face Mariana when I get back home.
Mariana
My belly is still full from breakfast. Unlike the first few times I ate with Kade, when I was trying to be dainty and ladylike, I devoured my plate and part of his. It was an insane shift and I burnt off more calories than I do on a normal day, partnered with no sleep, and I was a bottomless pit. In a food coma, Kade offered to give me a ride home but he took me to his place instead of mine. It’s my first time here and I’m impressed by the matching colors and furniture, not to mention all the throw pillows. Lying on his couch, my eyes closed, I hold one of the pillows over my stomach with my legs crossed as I stretch out on his furniture. I don’t mind one bit that I’m here even though I’d much prefer to be in my own bed.
“Make yourself at home,” Kade says with a laugh as we walks into the room.
Opening one eyelid, I smile. “Sorry, your couch is just so comfortable.”
Kade’s smile softens and he crosses the room, perching on the edge of the couch beside me. He reaches out and pushes my hair out of my face, his fingertips skimming my skin. I sigh, even after all the time we’ve been spending together over the last few weeks, I still don’t get butterflies from him, not like I do with P.J.. I’ve been very careful not to give any mixed signals to Kade, which is why I’ve denied every invitation he’s offered to come to his place. Meanwhile, I’ve been avoiding P.J. like the plague, too afraid to admit my own feelings and risk getting hurt as I’m sure he’s been out doing who knows what with who knows who. He’s never home anymore and I hate how empty my bed has been.
“No worries, babe. My bed is even more comfy if you want to lie down in there.”
My stomach sinks and I prop myself up on my elbows. “Kade…”
He shakes his head. “Not like that, Mari. You’re tired, we had a long shift. Why don’t we lie down and get some rest?”
“Oh,” I mutter, feeling like an idiot for jumping to conclusions. Taking his hand, I follow him to his bedroom, feeling more nervous than I should. I glance around the room, taking in the decor. One wall is painted black with framed black and white pictures of vintage celebrities. His bed has a brown leather headboard and is neatly made up with a grey comforter. A black and white striped rug rests under the bed and over the wood floor while just one black nightstand sits to the left of the bed, which must be his side.
Kade waves his hand toward the bed. “Ladies choice.”
I smile tensely, moving to the right side and slowly kicking off my shoes. When I look over at Kade, he’s pulling off his t-shirt, exposing his perfect six-pack and putting me even more on edge. He neatly drops the shirt in a hamper, not dirtying up the floor like P.J. and I do as we discard our clothing all over our apartment. When his hand moves to his zipper, I clear my throat nervously.
He looks up, his zipper undone and his black boxer briefs slightly exposed. “Get relaxed, Mariana. I know you’ve had a hard time sleeping, I just want you to rest.” My eyes are trained on his pants and he glances down, following my gaze. “Sorry, I can’t sleep with jeans on.”
I nod and shake my head at the same time, looking like I’m having some kind of seizure. “Yeah, no, that’s fine, totally fine,” I stumble, making no sense at all. “I’m comfy, I mean what’s more comfy than leggings and a sweater?” I wrap my arms around my body, giving myself a hug and looking totally ridiculous. I crawl into the bed, my hair in a French braid barely touching my shoulder and plop down like a dog.
Kade laughs. “If you say so,” he comments, dropping his jeans and I quickly roll away from him so I don’t see anything. The bed sags under his weight as he lies down beside me. His arm finds its way around me, pulling my body flush against his and I squeeze my eyes shut. This is no different than how P.J. and I sleep and we’re nothing more than friends… maybe this will help me sleep. I take a deep breath, counting to ten as I try to calm my nerves and fall asleep.
Ten minutes later, my breathing exercises are working and I’m about to drift off to sleep, something I haven’t done in weeks. Turning to face him, I snuggle closer to Kade, my leg slipping between his. I take a deep inhale of his musky cologne and am on the verge of slumber when his hand slips off my waist to my backside. My eyes go wide, looking at Kade, but he rests peacefully and I’m not even sure he’s awake. I close my eyes again, restarting my breathing and counting.
Once again, I’m so close to sleep when Kade’s thick hand moves under my sweater and touches the bare skin on my stomach. I move my hand on top of his and try to push it down. It works except that his hand doesn't stop, it keeps traveling south. Out of the corner of my eye, I see he’s still asleep so I pick up his hand and put it on his thigh, wiggling away from him and rolling back to my side. Looking over my shoulder, I watch Kade’s chest rise and fall evenly, deep in sleep. I should go, grab my shoes and call a cab. I’ve spent weeks working on not putting out the wrong vibe and I sure as hell don’t want to twist things up now.
Slowly, I inch my way toward the edge of the bed. I’m about to drop my feet to the floor when a strong force on my hip rolls me to my back. Kade is awake now, his eyes wide open. My heart beats wildly but I force a smile to my lips.
“Sorry, I can’t sleep so I’m just going to head home,” I stammer out quickly, hoping to get out of here fast.
Kade’s head moves from side to side. “Stay, let me help you relax.”
His hand slides down my leg, moving too fast for me to stop him before he grabs my crotch. I cry out in surprise and wiggle beneath his grasp while my hands move to his shoulders, trying to push his arm away.
“I-I’m fine. I should go,” I say as firmly as I can, although I can’t hear my own words over my racing pulse.
“No, you’ll stay.” His tightens his fingers around my lady bits and I try to clench my legs together in an effort to stop him. “I haven’t laid the groundwork of listening to you bitch about your man-whore roommate for a month to not get laid.”
All the blood drains from my face and I know I’m as white a ghost, shocked at his words. This isn’t the Kade I’ve been hanging out with this whole time. He seemed so sincere, almost encouraging me a few times to go for it with P.J.. It was all for show though, he couldn’t have cared less about me and I bought it. Now, I’m in quite the predicament with no way out. Tears blur my vision as he moves on top of me, the weight of his body feeling like a ton of bricks.
“Too bad P.J. can’t help you now, can he?” Kade chuckles, squeezing my breasts tightly.
I close my eyes, a tear squeezing out of both of them. My mind is a blur, trying to prepare for what’s about to happen when a distant memory comes forward. The first few nights in our apartment, P.J. gave me pepper spray and spent the next hour telling me what to do if I was ever attacked. I rolled my eyes, never expecting to be in a situation like this but now, it all comes flooding back to me. I take a deep breath, listening to Kade laugh, telling me how stupid I am, and badmouthing P.J. and every other firefighter.
Opening my eyes slowly, I look up at him, staring at his nose. A smile actually comes to my lips as I think about how his perfect face won’t be so perfect after this. Kade’s in mid-sentence when I slam my hand up, making contact with my palm to his nose. A spray of blood rains over me for a few seconds before he crumples in a heap beside me as he calls me every bad name he can think of and more. Stunned at my action, and even more so that it worked, I stay in place long enough for him to reach out and make contact with my cheek. A searing pain shoots from my cheekbone to my eye and I’m thankful for it because it snaps me back to reality.
Without another word or any more physical contact, I jump out of his bed and beeline for the front door. Barefoot, I run down the sidewalk as fast as I can, blood trickling down my cheek. I run block after block, not stopping, not hurting, not out of breath as adrenaline courses through my body. When I reach the subway station, I finally stop, realizing that I don’t have any money with me. A middle-aged business man looks over at me and without asking any questions, pays for my fare. A small smile is all I can give to repay him and he nods, lifting his eyebrow to ask if he can do any more. I shake my head and instead of crying, I begin to laugh. All of this started because of P.J. and it ended because of him, too. Now, the only person who can make me feel better is him, the man who put me in this situation to begin with.
Chapter Nine
Mariana
The steam around me is an indicator of how hot the water spraying out of the shower head is. It’s the only way I know what the water temperature is because my body is numb, it feels nothing. I cranked the knob as high as it would go in an effort to wash away my skin that’s still crawling from where Kade touched me. I figure if all my skin is gone then it’ll be like it never happened. I sigh and shut off the water because I know my line of thinking is so far from being right.
Stepping out of the shower, I don’t even bother to grab a towel. I cross the small space, dripping water onto the tile floor. When I get to the sink, I pause before wiping the condensation off the mirror, wondering if I really want to see my own reflection. Taking a deep breath, I swipe my hand back and forth, clearing a space so I can see my own face. Much like the rest of my body, my mind is also numb, and doesn’t react to the purple bruise taking over half my face.
Setting one hand on either side of the sink, I drop my head and all the tears begin to fall. One after another until I’ve cried at least a thousand tears. This is all so unfamiliar to me, for which I should be grateful, but I hate it. I don’t know what to expect or how I’ll recover and the fear of the unknown scares the shit out of me. I know I’ll be fine, I don’t have any other choice, but I just want to know how.
Unable to stand another second looking at my own reflection, I exit the bathroom. As I pass P.J.’s room, his familiar scent wafts out and I stop in my tracks. Pushing open the door, I step inside, scanning the space until I find what I’m looking for. I pick up a navy FDNY t-shirt and hold it to my chest, taking a deep inhale. The other half of the equation is where does this leave us? My heart hurts so much right now and I know P.J. is the only one that can put it back together but then the question is, do I give it to him entirely after that? P.J. isn’t a long term commitment kind of guy, it’s why I have always refused to sleep with him again after the first time. It’s hard enough knowing the man I like is out sleeping with other women when he has no allegiance to me other than to pay his half of the bills, it’s an entirely different story if I give him my heart and he tramples on it THEN sleeps with other women. It’s really a no win situation for me, I either take my chance with P.J. and lose everything or things stay the way they are and I find a way to move on. Of course, there’s another option… cut ties all together.
Tears burn in my eyes at that last thought. Quickly, I pull on his shirt and make my way to my room. Lying down, my hair still soaking wet, I stare at the shoes I wore home from the subway. A nurse I recognized from the hospital gave me her spare pair. She only asked if I needed any medical attention and when I denied, she handed me her shoes without another word. I know what department she
works in so I’ll drop them off silently next time I work, hoping to avoid the embarrassment of seeing her face to face again.
Work… I squeeze my eyes closed only to pop them open again from the pain of my bruise. I can call in tomorrow but being that I’m still new, I don’t have many sick days to use. I know I can’t avoid Kade forever but no way in hell do I ever want to be anywhere alone with him again. I’ll have to report the whole incident in order to get a new partner but I know it won’t end well. Kade’s the perfect pretty boy, no one will believe my word over his. My stomach churns as it hits me that I’ll probably get fired over any sort of accusation which means I’ll be headed home to live with my parents again.
I shake my head, trying not to get caught up in what might happen. Right now, I’m exhausted and I just need sleep. I try to close my eye again but the pain is just too much. Staring at the clock, I watch one minute change to another then to another until almost three hours have passed. I focus only on the numbers so my mind doesn’t think of anything else. Yawning, my eyes start to get heavy but the pain that shoots down my cheek every time my eye closes, keeps me from giving in to slumber. When I’ve finally made up my mind to accept the pain, my bedroom door swings open and I relax, knowing I’ll be alright.
Paul
I wasn’t supposed to leave Dallas until tomorrow but after my chat with Chandler, I knew I had to get back to Mariana sooner rather than later. I’m like a zombie walking into our apartment and it’s never felt better to be where I belong, home with Mariana. Hopefully, she’ll talk to me in the morning. If she hadn’t been avoiding me for the past few weeks, I’d wake her up right now and make us talk but I know I’ll have a better chance of getting through to her when I’m more rested.