Ruby Among Us

by Tina Ann Forkner

  “I happen to know that Blake has no idea how I’ve changed or he wouldn’t have written that letter. Open it.”

  I did, carefully so as not to tear the creased stationery. It was dated a few weeks before Ruby’s death.

  My Dearest Kitty,

  I’m not sure what to write, but I don’t dare miss another chance to tell you I miss you. I wish every day for you to come home.

  There is nothing that could take my love from you. I realize this even more as the years go by. I have so many regrets about that night all those years ago. I would give anything to go back and make you feel safe instead of treating you so harshly.

  As you now know, Ruby has been coming to see me for several years now. She is the one who gave me your phone number. I wish you wouldn’t hang up because hearing your voice is wonderful. Ruby has explained that you don’t want a reunion. I pray you will change your mind.

  Ruby is lovelier than I even expected. When she arrived home the first time, she looked so much like you that I thought you’d come back. Then when I saw her smile, I knew she could only be our Ruby.

  And little Lucy. She is a mix of all the best in you and Ruby. She loves to take long walks with me through the grapes, just like you did. I now understand how Isaac must have felt about Ruby when she was little. He used to say his granddaughter lit up everything. So does Lucy for me and for her mother.

  Do you recall seeing me in San Francisco? You looked beautiful. Ruby said you thought I rejected you. I’m so sorry, Kitty. I thought you had gone on with your life and did not want me.

  If you ever want to visit, you could stay in our loft. Yes, I finally bought it and it is ours, paid in full. I gave Ruby a key and am enclosing another one. I’ll keep it ready for you just in case.

  I’m also sending some money. Ruby says you won’t take it, but please do something nice for yourself and the girls. Ruby says you’ve not touched the account I set up for you. As much as I long for you to come home, I want you and the girls to be provided for. I’ve enclosed the account information in case you’ve lost it. Please use it as you see fit.

  The fruits of this vineyard are rightfully your inheritance, Kitty. Yours, Ruby’s, and Lucy’s. I’m just the caretaker.

  I have prayed for you since the day you left. I can’t explain in a letter how much I miss my wife.

  Your husband,

  Blake

  I accepted the handkerchief Kitty offered and tried to keep the letter dry as I carefully placed it back in the envelope.

  “What are these other things?” I croaked.

  With a look of regret on her face, Kitty slowly handed me the other letter and the box. The letter was unopened and addressed to Lucy DiCamillo at the same address we still lived at now. It was also from Frances-DiCamillo with the name “Grandpa” scribbled over the preprinted stationery. I gasped as the room went white.

  He’d known where we were all this time? Then why hadn’t he come? Because Kitty kept him away, just like she hid these letters from me.

  I sucked in great wafts of air and closed my eyes, an attempt to force myself to stay calm. My disease was exacerbated by stress, but Dr. Larimer had told me that the attacks wouldn’t happen so often if I would just stay calm.

  Kitty reached for the inhaler, but I lightly brushed her hand away.

  “I can do it.” I picked up the inhaler and breathed deeply. I hated it so much. It was like a drug I couldn’t go without. If I didn’t have my fix several times a day, I couldn’t breathe. I could even die if I didn’t get enough oxygen in time. It sounded extreme, but it had happened to Ruby. It could happen to me—the way the breath had left and her lungs hadn’t let another breath back into her body. At that moment, feelings against Kitty I’d never experienced before piled up around me like bricks and mortar.

  “Lucy, dear. I’m so sorry.”

  “You are wrong, Kitty. He says in this letter that there’s nothing that could have happened that would change his love for you.”

  “He lives in a fantasy world if he thinks that.”

  “He lives in a fantasy world? His wife abandoned him and rejected him all over again when he tried to contact you!”

  She looked surprised for a moment, like she hadn’t considered how he felt.

  “Why did you hide this letter from me? Are there more?”

  “They’re in that box, and I didn’t really mean to hide them at first. That one must have come around the week Ruby died, and she wasn’t able to give it to you. I kept my own letters tucked away too because I had made a choice to stay away from Blake. It was for his own good and for yours too. Nobody understands how important it is that I never go back there. Ruby never did either.”

  She shook her head as if we were all too daft to understand.

  “So when you saw I’d lost my memories, you just decided to take advantage of it and not tell me I knew my grandfather?”

  “Absolutely not, child,” she said emphatically. “I wasn’t taking advantage, Lucy. You were very fragile. I was protecting you!”

  “No! You were protecting yourself!”

  Kitty was silent. She lowered her head to hide the tears I could see pooling on her chin.

  “And we have been living like we’re poor! We didn’t have to be poor! I could have gone to college even without a scholarship, so why did you make me study so hard? Why did you keep me sequestered in our home as if making me smarter was the only way I’d have a good life?”

  She was silent, running her fingers in a circular motion around her knuckles.

  “You were hiding me!” I exclaimed. “Weren’t you, Grandmother? You were keeping me hidden just in case he showed up here! And I can’t believe it. He gave us money. Your own money and you let us be poor!”

  “Not poor, Lucy. We have earned our way and have had everything we needed. You go to a private school. Do you know how many people could never afford to go there or even hope to score high enough to have the scholarship you do?”

  “But it didn’t have to be so hard! You didn’t have to worry about money so much when I was growing up! Why did you keep it a secret from me? Life could have been easier.”

  “It was, Lucy. Think about it. Your mother was a very young single woman, and she chose to live simple then, even though she could have taken you to the vineyard in La Rosaleda. After she left us, we still lived a very simple life, but we weren’t destitute. I did use some of the money he gave to you girls. Where do you think I found the money to fill in the gaps? Her life insurance?”

  “She didn’t have life insurance?”

  “Only about five thousand dollars. Enough to pay for the funeral. I used the money from the trust Blake set up for you but only when I needed it for you. I used my own money to take care of us, but yes, the money from his account was used to pay extra costs for your schooling, to fill in gaps when paying utilities as needed, and for many other things benefiting you that you don’t even know about. Like violin and piano lessons—anything that benefited you primarily I didn’t hesitate to pay for with Frances-DiCamillo money.”

  Her hands were now flying about her.

  “The money that was in Ruby’s separate account is still there. Ruby used it to live on when she was alive, but it became yours when you turned eighteen, and Blake has continued the monthly deposits. You can have it. It’s yours, but I want to warn you, dear, money can be dangerous to have if you don’t know what to do with it.”

  “You mean we could’ve lived a completely different life than we have?”

  “It was good for you to learn what it’s like to live in the real world, mija. I didn’t want you to be like I was when I was young—naive and easily taken advantage of because I was sheltered by a life of ease at Frances-DiCamillo.”

  “But I didn’t get to experience the real world,” I said. “You kept me in a bubble of your own making!”

  “I was only protecting you from what I knew was out there. There are lots of bad people out there, Lucy. Believe me, I know something
about that!”

  “But we had family,” I said quietly. “They would have protected us.”

  “We have a family right here, Lucy. Me and you. I always made sure of that.”

  I stood up from my place on the couch. “Just like you did with you and Ruby, right? You thought you could be her whole family then too! But she didn’t like it, did she? She didn’t want just you! We had family in La Rosaleda! I so much would’ve liked to have a grandfather!” I was scarcely aware that I was yelling. “What could be so bad besides what you’ve told me, Kitty, that you can’t confess it and go back?”

  She was silent, and I felt a touch of guilt. I had no doubt that her secrets were probably horrible, but whatever they were they’d taken so much from me too.

  “Kitty,” I implored. “I feel like your secrets are keeping us from something great. Something wonderful. I want to know my grandfather! And what of George Fields? My father! Who is he? Why don’t you tell me more about him?”

  I was standing now and waving my hands in the air too.

  “Has he written me letters that you have hidden too? Are they in here?” I reached for the box.

  She shook her head. “Lucy, I’m sorry but that is one thing I have not kept secret. The man is gone. He has never made an effort to find you, and according to Ruby, you should be glad about that. You want to know something? Not everyone has a father. There’s nothing wrong with that!”

  I shook my head. “That’s easy for you to say. You had a wonderful father! But what of me? I have never had any male relative in my life! At least since Ruby died. And I can’t even remember when he was there. I had a whole different life before she died, and I think you’re glad I can’t remember it!”

  “And why is that so bad, dear? You’re making friends now, and I’ve decided that it’s okay for you to date Maxwell. I like the boy very much in fact.”

  “You’ve decided it’s okay?” I asked incredulously. “You think it’s okay to decide if I get to have a male friend or not? Just like you decided I didn’t need a father or grandfather?”

  Part of me was disgusted with myself for the things I was saying to Kitty, but who was she to keep me away from my grandfather?

  “You took Ruby away from him, and then you took me too!”

  I stood up with the letters and the box.

  “Please be careful with those. I would like to have the ones back that are addressed to me.”

  I gasped again.

  “Why? Why would you want them, Kitty? You don’t want him!”

  I knew I was yelling, and I vaguely thought of what Kitty had told me about daughters always pushing back against their mothers at some point in life. Why did she have to be my mother too?

  Kitty suddenly stood up more quickly than she should have. I winced at the pain I knew she felt in her joints as she leaned heavily on her cane, but she didn’t seem to care. She lifted her cane and pointed it at me.

  “Don’t talk to me about what you know nothing about. Do you hear me?”

  We were both angry, and tears rolled down both our faces. I wanted to hug her and apologize, but at the moment I was too shocked. I’d never seen Kitty so mad at me, and it hurt.

  After a moment, I did have the decency to whisper, “Yes ma’am.”

  “You think you know all about life just because you’re already graduating from college when most kids your age are barely starting? Well, being educated doesn’t make you wise, child. Yes, you’ve had a hard life. You and everyone else out there. Life just isn’t fair, is it?”

  I shook my head, holding back my emotions for now.

  She continued. “Susannah’s mother could die of cancer, right?”

  I nodded my head, my sadness for Susannah renewed at the thought of her mother’s having to endure cancer treatments. “But she might survive.”

  “Yes,” Kitty said, choking up. “She might and she might not. Do you think that’s fair?” Her voice was softening back to the tone she had used before.

  I could see that Kitty was filled with grief for a friend she’d become close to so quickly. I wanted to hold her tight, but she wasn’t finished.

  “Do you think it’s fair that Susannah can’t bear her own children? Is it fair that she now has a greater risk of breast cancer?”

  She took a deep breath. “Dear, your mother was ripped away from you and me, and that wasn’t fair and was nobody’s fault.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Mine,” I croaked.

  “No!” Kitty grasped my shoulder with her free hand. “Not yours. Not mine. Not anyone’s. But it is my fault that your grandfather and La Rosaleda got ripped from you and Ruby. It’s entirely my fault. I accept full responsibility and I’m sorry. If you knew the truth, you might understand why I made the decisions I did. The one thing in my power I could’ve changed was to leave Ruby there. I admit it was my selfishness. I couldn’t bear not to have her with me. I needed her so much that I didn’t even let myself think about what she needed. Maybe your lives both would’ve been different had I left her there. I’m sorry my decisions have made life unfair for you.”

  I was sobbing, but Kitty wasn’t pulling me into her arms. She turned and made her way around the coffee table and to her room. I wasn’t sure what to do. I stood where she’d left me for several minutes before I carefully placed the letters and the small hatbox in my backpack. I found a pen and wrote a note to Kitty saying I was going to the library.

  I signed it my usual.

  Love, Lucy.

  25

  The smell of espresso found its way out the screened window of Martha’s. It was never too late to have a coffee in Sacramento, and besides, it was only a few blocks from our apartment, and I no longer felt like hiking clear across campus to the library. That had only been an excuse to escape from the house.

  “Lucy DiCamillo! And how is your grandmother this lovely evening?”

  I attempted a smile for Martha Schneider, who ran the shop. She had her hair in cornrows as usual and was dressed in a blue kimono-style dress that Kitty would have loved. In fact, Mrs. Schneider always reminded me of Kitty when I saw her dressed in her more casual, comfortable clothing made from rich, flowing fabrics, the same styles Kitty had chosen in recent years for their practical beauty.

  “You know,” I replied teasingly, “beautiful, bossy, compassionate. The usual.” Then I sobered, thinking already of a peace offering to bring home. “Honestly? Kitty isn’t feeling well today. Maybe you should make up a green tea I could take to her?”

  “Just let me know a few minutes before you leave, and I’ll have it ready. How about you, Lucy? What do you want?”

  “Cappuccino with a double shot.”

  “Bad day?”

  “Sort of.”

  I made my way to a corner seat where I could stare out at the American River flowing through the park in the distance. It meandered slowly as I watched a mother and her young daughter walking hand in hand alongside. I wondered if I’d walked those same steps once with Ruby. I felt an intense desire to tear open the letter from my grandfather but waited until I had my cappuccino.

  Using the butter knife, I slit open the envelope and unfolded the letter.

  Dear Lucy,

  I hope you had fun helping me press grapes last time you were here. I can’t wait until you come back so you can help again. When you do, we’ll drive over to Bodega Bay like I promised, and I’ll show you the rocky cliffs and how to eat an oyster. They’re kind of slimy, but if you get the ones with hot sauce, you might think they’re tasty. And then we’ll pick flowers for your mom. She loves roses, just like your Kitty, so we’ll go over to the Rose House and pick a whole bunch. I can’t wait to see you. I love you.

  Love,

  Grandpa

  I felt the weight in the center of my chest growing heavier as each subsequent letter, before that moment unopened, spoke of his loving me and how everything would be okay even though Ruby had gone to heaven. He wrote the same words repeatedly:

 
… don’t worry about your mom. She’s in heaven now. Everything will be okay, Lucy girl. God is with you all the time, and that’s who Ruby is with. She isn’t far away! Call me if you need to talk.

  His last letter to me was only dated three months earlier, asking how I was—and Kitty too.

  “Call me if you need to talk,” the last letter had said, like all the others before it. My hands felt heavy holding the letter as I realized that I’d been cheated of this by Kitty. I could’ve called him a thousand times had I known.

  If Mrs. Schneider noticed my tears when she walked up to leave me another cappuccino I hadn’t even ordered, she didn’t let on. She just patted my shoulder and went on to the next table. It took a long time to make it through all the letters. The ones to me had been unopened, but each letter to Kitty from Blake had already been neatly opened, and the paper was worn and creased.

  Every letter made me cry, just as Kitty must have each time she read them. Each one was filled with simple proclamations of love from Blake, details about what he had been up to, always ending with a plea for her to come home. Some contained pictures of Frances-DiCamillo, one in particular of the house Blake and Kitty had shared. The front porch of the Rose House was completely encased by the bush planted decades ago; its deep red blooms covered the sides and roof. I stared at this photo for a long time trying to picture Kitty and the child Ruby waving to my grandpa from the porch swing as he walked back from a day’s work in the vines.

  I’d made it through every letter and had gone back to the one Blake wrote about Ruby’s funeral when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, surprised to see Dr. Larimer. “Oh.” I fumbled to wipe away my tears.

  “May I sit down?”

  I sniffled and dabbed my eyes, but the compassion in his eyes caused fresh tears to well.

  He didn’t wait for my answer. “I’ve been meaning to call you. I was driving in the area and just thought I’d stop in, but I didn’t expect you to be here.”