Saving Evangeline

by Nancee Cain

“They’re all fine. I mean…it’s a big place. I don’t know everyone personally, but I checked Kayla in. Jack’s in purgatory, sort of a halfway house, I guess is how you’d explain it.”

  “But Kayla committed suicide…” Her voice breaks. “What about her baby?”

  “Both fine. She miscarried, she wasn’t thinking straight. Her suicide wasn’t intentional, it was accidental.” I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear and stroke her arm in an attempt to reassure her.

  “And she and her baby are in heaven. It wasn’t my fault,” she whispers. “So who goes to hell?”

  “Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t all fire and brimstone. Hell is the absence of love. You’ve already been there, done that and got the T-shirt, Crazy Girl. Now it’s time for you to live and love. Your reaction to the tragedy in your life put you in hell. You just needed a little guidance, a push in the right direction. That’s why He sent me. To show you God is love and that life is good. His forgiveness and mercy have no bounds. ‘Mercy triumphs over judgment.’” I glance up, hoping for a sign this time that He’s heard me, but there are only the proverbial crickets chirping. No, wait…the crickets are real, but nothing from Him.

  “But why was she successful and you stopped me?”

  “Sweetness, I wouldn’t call any suicide a success. It was her time, not yours. Look, I don’t have all the fuckin’ answers. I’m not whatever the hell you call it when you know everything.” I never can keep all those omni-words straight.

  “Omniscient.” She frowns and my heart starts hammering.

  This isn’t going well. At all.

  “You’re sure cussing a lot more now that you’re not a priest. Is that allowed?”

  I chuckle. Of all things for her to be concerned about, it’s my language? “Actually He doesn’t like it. He says those who cuss lack imagination, but it’s at the bottom of my list of transgressions at this point,” I admit a bit sheepishly. I’m not about to tell her it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going to be toast, so to speak.

  “Does my mother know?” Her eyes widen into black pools of fear.

  “No, of course not. It doesn’t work that way. This is a covert operation.”

  She shivers. “Can you make it stop snowing? I’m not really dressed for the weather.”

  “Of course. You okay?” The snow stops and the temperature rises a good fifteen degrees, although it’s still cool with the night air.

  “Am I okay?” She rolls her eyes and marches off—well, attempts to. I imagine it’s hard in heels and she’s a bit tottery—the blanket billows behind her like a cape. She’ll look great with wings. Whirling around, she screams, “Am I okay?” The next thing I know the blanket floats to the ground as a hundred and twenty-five pounds of angry woman barrels toward me like a cheetah that’s just spotted a tasty gazelle. I double over as her fist makes contact with my stomach. For such a tiny girl, she sure packs a mean punch.

  “Shit, that hurt.” I gasp for air. “I’m trying to be honest with you, and tell you everything. I thought you’d be happy knowing you’re not totally bonkers.” This is the second time tonight she’s taken to physical violence. It’s kind of hot and for a brief second I imagine her in black leather, thigh-high boots…

  “I’m not totally bonkers?” She crosses her arms in front of her chest, and one eyebrow lifts just enough to let me know I’ve said something wrong. The calmness in her voice reminds me of that eerie stillness that occurs in the eye of a hurricane.

  I swallow nervously and qualify my last statement. “Well, you have to admit wanting to do a priest is a little crazy. Not to mention trying to kill yourself. And not owning a car. What’s up with that? I mean it’s the twenty-first century. There’s nothing better than driving fast with the radio blaring.” My flippant response covers my fear. Fear that I’ve pushed her too far. Fear she will never forgive me. Fear she will hate me forever.

  “Go to hell. You’re a horrible guardian angel.” She tosses her hair and raises that stubborn, adorable little chin.

  “Yes, that’s true. I suck at being a guardian angel.” Soon enough, I’ll be in hell, sweetness. No need to hurry, I’ve already got my one-way ticket punched and ready to go.

  My gaze narrows on the brightness of her eyes. She sucks in a ragged breath and I realize with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach she’s barely holding on. Maybe this has been too much for her to handle all at once. Rafe and the Boss are right. I am a selfish bastard.

  “Evangeline—”

  “I hate you!” she spits out, dashing a hand at the moisture in her eyes.

  The words pierce my heart, hurting more than I would have ever dreamed possible. I know I deserve it, but it doesn’t lessen the pain. Keeping eye contact, I move toward her. It’s like approaching a feral cat that’s been cornered. Sure enough, she snarls and clenches her fists. She stares at my chest and then the ground, everywhere but my face. That hurts, too. I want her look at me and see how sorry I am for every lousy thing that has ever happened to her. And how much I regret misleading her. I want her to know we are one. Her pain is my pain.

  I kiss her forehead. “I love you. I’ve been searching for you since the beginning of time.” With my thumb, I wipe away the one tear that has slipped down her flushed cheek. Cupping her face in my hands, I kiss each of her eyelids and then settle a soft kiss on her tremulous lips. “I love you, Evangeline. I always will.”

  “But?” Her eyes open, then narrow.

  The pain and distrust I see in her eyes nearly brings me to my knees. I don’t want to hurt her, but it seems inevitable in the long run. “No buts. I. Love. You.” I smile at her. “Forever.” And it’s true. I’ve never felt this way before, and it’s both exhilarating and scary at the same time.

  “But you can’t stay here, can you?” Her voice breaks off with a choked sob.

  I shake my head. Now I’m the one unable to speak because of the lump in my throat.

  “What’s going to happen to me?”

  “You’re going to grab life by the balls and live, making each moment count. You have a wonderful life ahead of you—”

  She snorts in an unladylike manner and rolls her eyes. “Do I look like George Bailey? No, I can’t do it without you. I don’t want to.”

  Dammit, no! She has to live. Not because it’s my job. Not because of some deep religious or philosophical reason. She has to live because I love her and want her to have the life she deserves. “That’s not true. Do you wish you’d succeeded on the bridge? Be honest. Do you wish you’d never met me? Never found out you’re not fuckin’ crazy? Never found out how much I love you? Or that you’re special? That you aren’t responsible for all the death that has, unfortunately, been so much a part of your short life?”

  She hangs her head and mumbles, “I don’t know how to live. I have no one to live for. I love you. It’s not fair.”

  “My love, unfortunately life isn’t fair. But you’ve never truly lived, either. I’m not the only one that loves you. Your mother loves you. Even that stupid mutt loves you. And my darling girl, there will be others if you just let them in. It’s a beautiful world if you open your eyes and look around.”

  “I can’t. I can’t bear it when people leave me…” Her voice breaks off with her tortured breathing.

  “Life is just borrowed time, Evangeline. That’s what you told me. You can either waste it, disregard it, or live it.” She buries her head in my chest and I hold her, stroking her hair and her back. God, how I wish there was some way I could stay to protect her and love her.

  “Will I ever see you again?” she whispers brokenly.

  “I don’t know.” I have no idea what my learning lesson will be when I get home, if I’m even allowed in the gates. It may be a straight ride down. “But He’s merciful, so I have hope. Remember that, Evie. There is always hope. You take life by the balls and enjoy the hell out of it. Do you hear me? Hopefully, when I see you again, you can tell me all about your adventurous life. I don’t want to hear
a story of regrets and fear. I want you to be happy and loved. Go bungee jumping, climb mountains, scuba dive, and jump off cliffs. Get married, adopt a dozen kids and take in fifty mangy mutts. Live and love like there’s no tomorrow.”

  My memories of her will sustain me for eternity. And her happiness means more to me than my own. As much as my heart hurts at the thought, I want her to be content and in love, even if it’s with some other guy. I would lay my life down for this woman. I realize this is the first time I’ve truly understood the term agape, that all encompassing love that is selfless and unconditional.

  She hangs her head for a moment, her shoulders sagging. “What happens next? You just poof and disappear, leaving me all happy and shit?”

  That’s my girl. “I take you to your mother’s house.” I shove my hands in my pockets and toe a rock, stalling for time. Honesty sucks. I want to tell her everything will be fine, but the lies stop here. Taking a deep breath, I look her straight in the eye and give her the cold, hard truth. “And then, unlike before, I will wipe your memory of me. You won’t have the dreams you’ve been having. You won’t remember me at all, but you will retain the lessons He wanted me to impart. That life is worth living, and you are worth loving. It will be up to you whether to move forward and enjoy life or stagnate in your guilt and self-loathing.”

  Her head snaps up. “My dreams were real?” The stricken look on her face twists the knife of my betrayal, ripping my heart in shreds. “Oh my God,” she gasps, crossing her arms. “No. You wouldn’t do that to me.”

  She walks away and spins back to face me. “We made love after the carnival, didn’t we?” I move toward her, wanting to hold her, to explain further, but she slaps my face. “Didn’t we?” she screeches before covering her mouth and closing her eyes.

  “Evie…”

  Her eyes fly open and the flash of hurt disappears, replaced by righteous indignation. “Don’t touch me.” She holds her head high. “How dare you judge Jack? You’re just like him…You’re a liar!”

  She’s right and my gut twists with my guilt. “Yes.” Sorry seems pathetically inadequate, but I utter it anyway. “I’m sorry, so very, very sorry. I love you, Evangeline.”

  “I want to be by myself. Leave. Fly to wherever the hell you came from and leave me alone. Give me the keys.” She holds her hand out and stomps her foot. “Give. Me. The. Keys.”

  “No, you’re too upset to drive. Regardless of how you feel about me at this moment, I will make sure you arrive at your mother’s safely.”

  She attempts to spin and leave, but falters in her heels. Angrily she yanks them off and lobs them at me. If I were a rigged milk bottle game, I’d be scattered. I deflect one shoe with my arm and rub my chest where the other heel strikes with amazing accuracy. Hobbling to the car, she yanks the door open and turns to face me. “I need a few moments by myself. If you come near this car before I tell you to, I won’t be responsible for my actions. Capisce?”

  I nod and she climbs in the car, slamming the door. She’s so fucking hot when she’s angry. I’m taking this as a good sign. If she’s mad, she’s not shutting down. If she’s not shutting down, she’s hanging on to life. Taking out a cigarette, I light it—without the pretense of a lighter—and collapse on the blanket. Staring at the multitude of stars, I pray like I’ve never prayed before.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I CURL INTO THE SEAT and cover my eyes, rocking. My dreams weren’t dreams. My visions weren’t hallucinations. My entire life has been some sick kind of joke. And out of all the people that have lied to me, Remi’s betrayal hurts the worst. Oh, wait. He’s an angel; he doesn’t even fit in the people category, the asshole. Goner stirs and crawls into my lap, licking my face. At least my dog loves me. I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in his furry neck.

  I’m not crazy.

  I should feel vindicated. I tried to tell people I wasn’t, but a tiny part of me always feared it was true. After Daddy bled to death in front of me following the chainsaw accident, I withdrew and stewed in my guilt. Mama tried to be supportive, but she had her own grief to deal with. Plus, she had to go from being a stay-at-home mom to working two jobs. I now realize I never appreciated the sacrifices she made for me.

  At times Daddy would visit me, and I took comfort in his presence. But when I made the mistake of telling people I saw him, I was subjected to ridicule and bullying from the kids at school, which only increased my isolation. A counselor tried to step in, and thus began my foray into the mental health system. It started with grief counseling and then regular visits with a shrink. When counseling sessions didn’t “help,” the medications started.

  As a child, Jack was my only true friend. But in my teens, my friendship developed into what the professionals called an unhealthy obsession. It supposedly stemmed from my unresolved grief and Daddy issues. I don’t care what people say, at one time we loved each other. Sure, it ended badly, but it wasn’t solely his fault, or mine. We both made mistakes and at a terrible cost.

  And now I’m in love with an angel. Not a priest.

  I’m not crazy. But this situation is insane.

  I scratch my dog’s ears and whisper, “What am I going to do?”

  Goner wiggles and paws at the door. I open it and he runs straight to Remi, covering his face with sloppy dog kisses. Warm laughter rings out in the still night. I dash away the tear sliding down my face, ashamed to be jealous of a stupid mutt.

  “I hate you!” I’m not sure if I’m yelling at my dog or Remi. Maybe both.

  “I love you!” Remi calls back.

  “I love you, too,” I whisper.

  And that’s the problem. It’s so unfair. The past few days with Remi I’ve been happy and living, not merely existing. He gets me like no one ever has. I can be me around him. I don’t want to go back to the way I was, afraid of life. I realize part of my disappointment is my own foolishness. A part of me held on to the hope Remi would leave the priesthood for me. That we would have our happily ever after. Sadly, it was never an option. Nothing lasts forever.

  I pause, realizing I have indeed learned from my past. I have a choice. I can choose to be paralyzed by the past, or I can change and embrace the future. My happiness can’t depend on other people. It has to come from within. I look out at Remi playing with my silly dog. He says I won’t remember him, but I find that hard to believe. How can I forget the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Maybe if I’m happy, I’ll remember…Happiness, peace, it’s right there, I just have to make the choice. Right now, I choose to live in the moment with Remi. I don’t know what my future holds, but I refuse to let life pass me by. The darkness in my soul lifts, illuminated by my decision.

  It’s time for me to step out on the ledge and fly. Throwing open the car door, I wince as gravel digs into my bruised bare feet. “Ouch, where are my damn shoes?”

  “Hold on, Cinderella. Let me find them.”

  He stops playing with Goner and retrieves my heels. He saunters toward me with Goner following.

  “You okay?” He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear, and flames flicker behind the concern in his eyes.

  “I’m still mad at you.”

  “Fair enough.” Kneeling before me, he kisses my feet before slipping my shoes on them.

  “I’ll never forget you,” I blurt, brushing the hair from his forehead. “I don’t care what your God says or does. Love like this is the real deal. You can’t forget shit like this. Right?”

  His sad smile gives me my answer. “You won’t remember me, but on some level, you will know you are loved. What you do with the knowledge is your decision.” He stands and cups my face in his hand. “I pray you choose wisely. Don’t waste one minute with regrets. Live, Evie. Live.”

  Neither of us says a word for a few moments. Even Goner remains silent. Holding hands, we look up at the blanket of infinite stars. “Seeing all the stars makes me feel like we’re so small and insignificant,” I murmur.

  “We are, but we’re not.�
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  “You are my world, Remi.”

  “But I’m not of this world.”

  I sigh. “I know. Thank you for telling me the truth. I’m going to be okay.”

  “I know you will. I’ll never forget you. And I promise, I’ll do everything in my power for us to be together in the end.” He kisses my forehead and my eyes, like some sort of blessing.

  “Now what happens?”

  “I dance with you one more time and recite my lame poem. Then we’ll go catch a nap before driving to your Mom’s house.” He draws me close. I wrap my arms around his neck and he holds my waist, our foreheads touching. In his eyes I see my love reflected and joy infuses my battered soul. I am loved. Forever. I stumble in my heels and he swings me in the air and it isn’t my imagination when our feet leave the ground. His wings expand gracefully as we soar above the earth. To my surprise, I feel no fear, knowing I’m safe. I scream with exhilaration and laugh as Goner barks racing on the ground below us.

  “See? I told you, flying is the best thing, ever,” Remi shouts with a wide grin, dipping and gliding until at last we land back on the ground. “Okay, ready for my poem?”

  Still a little breathless, I nod. “Ready.”

  “Roses are red, violets are blue, smile Crazy Girl, ’cause I love you.”

  I roll my eyes. “You call that a poem? I did better than that in first grade. You suck at being a poet almost as bad as being a priest and a guardian angel.”

  “Wait! Let me try again. Roses are red, violets are blue, love is psychotic and so are you.”

  I laugh outright at that one. “I’m sure that’s true, and somewhere I have the papers to prove it. I have one more request.”

  He eyes me with suspicion. “Okay…”

  “Let’s stop and pick up some chocolate ice cream.”

  I check the time on my cell phone. It’s three in the morning. My life has changed dramatically since we left the room. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around everything. I’m love with an angel, and he has wings, and we flew. My visions were real. It snowed in August. And I am not crazy.