I feel the tension slowly leave her body as I run my thumb over hers.
Finally, she speaks, “It’s not like I don’t like teaching. I love it actually. It just wasn’t my first choice.”
I decide not to push her and ask what that first choice was. Obviously, it’s something she still struggles with, and who am I to bring up sore subjects from the past?
We drive in silence, hands intertwined. Like a Nightmare by Deadset Society comes on the radio, and I turn it up slightly, using the control on the steering wheel.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Sarah singing. “You know this song?”
“Yeah. I used to listen to My Darkest Days, so I followed them when they started the new band after Matt Walst left.”
I’m stunned to silence. I expect people to know band names and even song titles, but I don’t know many people who care enough to actually know the intricacies of band members and following those members when bands breaks up, only to create new ones.
I try to keep my eyes on the road as I also stare at her in shock.
She drops her shoulder, giving me a deadpan expression. “Why are you so surprised I know that?” My eyebrows rise, and a genuine, deep belly laugh escapes her sexy lips. “I’m not everything you see.”
A grin spreads across my face. “I can tell, and believe me, it makes me want to see more.”
Her cheeks flush, and I squeeze her hand tighter.
As we get off the freeway, Cailin wakes up, yawning as she asks, “Are we home yet?”
“Almost,” I say. “We have to take Sarah home first.”
“How come she can’t just stay with us? Have a sleepover?” Cailin whines as I hear Sarah choke on the water she was drinking.
I wink in her direction while responding. “Maybe another time, but not tonight.”
Sarah covers her mouth as she coughs harder.
When I pull into her complex, she says goodbye to Cailin as I open the door. “Stay right here, okay, sweetheart? I’m just going to make sure Sarah makes it up to her apartment.” I put on a song Cailin likes and close the door before rushing to Sarah’s side.
Sarah drops her water bottle when she sees me appear on the opposite side of the truck. After leaning down to pick it up, she fidgets with her hair, making sure it’s smooth and in place.
“You don’t have to walk me up. I’ll be fine,” she says, looking everywhere but at me.
I reach for her fingers, lacing them with mine. “I want to.”
Her eyes meet mine, and I nod my head toward her door.
“Thank you again for inviting me,” she says as we stroll in the direction of her place.
“We’ll have to plan something again soon.”
Her lips tug up to a smile. “I’d like that.”
We reach her door, and she takes out her keys, unlocking it but not pushing it open. Instead, she pauses and glances up at me, waiting for what I’m going to say.
I step closer, so our bodies are inches apart. “I’m not going to rush this.”
Her eyes widen, but she doesn’t say anything.
“I’ve been with girls I never wanted, but I’ve never been with anyone I actually wanted a future with, especially this bad. I don’t want to screw this up. I’m going to kiss you though.”
I run my fingers across the nape of her neck. Her pulse is thumping out of control. Mine feels the same way.
I slowly lean in. “Is that okay with you?”
Her lids close as she nods ever so slightly. Her scent is the first thing I notice as I take her in—cherries, vanilla, and so fucking mine.
Our mouths brush against each other as I hold her in place. Her lips parting slightly, I lick them, seeing if she’ll invite me in. When she does, I have to hold my breath and make myself not take more than she’s willing to give me right now as our first kiss.
I wasn’t kidding. I want to take this slow. I want to do this right.
It takes everything I have to pull back as I place my forehead to hers. “Slowly,” I whisper more to myself than anything else.
She nods, and I can’t help myself when I lean in again, entangling my tongue with hers and pushing her against the wall, wanting just a little more.
I pause our kiss, keeping her pressed to my body as I breathe her in one more time.
When I step back, everything I’m feeling reflects back at me, written all over her face. I take my thumb and wipe her bottom lip, needing one last touch from her.
“I’ll see you soon,” I say as I step back.
She waves goodbye as she picks up everything that she was holding that’s now on the floor. I try not to laugh that she dropped them, knowing, with a kiss like that, I might have done the same thing if something were in my hand.
15
Sarah
I close my door and instantly fall against it. This cannot be happening. Adam Jacobson just kissed me. And holy hell, did he kiss me.
I touch my lips, still wet from his. Chills run down my spine and pool in my belly. I’ve never been kissed like that. With so much want and need that I could feel it in my toes.
My entire body is shaking. I need to do something. A cold shower maybe? I don’t even know what I need as every nerve in my body is on fire.
I look out the window to see Adam jumping back in his truck. His movements are so smooth, and seeing him lights me on fire even more. I want to run out, ask him to stay, but I know he can’t.
He shouldn’t. He has Cailin. This is not a normal dating situation, and I need to remember that, especially since she’s my student.
I grab my phone and call Maggie, not caring that it’s later there and she’s probably asleep.
“This’d better be good …” she mumbles into the phone.
“He kissed me,” I blurt out.
“And I’m up,” she replies, more aware. “Who kissed you?”
“Adam.” My ear stings from the scream escaping her mouth. “Yep. That was pretty much my reaction too, internally at least.”
“I want details. Is he a good kisser? What happened?”
“God, Maggie. He was amazing. He walked me to the door and kissed me good night.”
“Why didn’t you invite him in?”
“Because his daughter was still in the car. We’d spent the day at the zoo and then had dinner.”
“Wait. Are you, like, dating him now?”
I bite my lip as his words ring in my head. I can’t believe I’m going to say this. “I think so?”
“You fucking think so? Sarah, this is Adam Jacobson we’re talking about.”
I plop down on my couch and drop my head back. “I know. He’s so much more though. He’s actually really funny, and he’s a great dad.”
“Oh my God, you’re falling for a rock star. Isn’t this the most crazy turn of events in your life?”
I inhale deeply, remembering everything I went through. Of course Maggie would remind me of that. She was right there through the entire thing—the highs and the lowest of lows.
“Don’t remind me of that part. I’m trying not to think about it.”
It actually scares me to death. I’ve tried so hard to forget that part of my life, pretend it never happened. My dad definitely makes sure I’ll never forget. I thought he was going to disown me at one point. He even said I was an embarrassment to him. If I thought my injury was my low, it was nothing compared to the way my father shamed me for it.
I should have learned my lesson then, yet here I am, falling down that same path.
What the hell am I doing?
“Stop getting inside your head,” Maggie interrupts the thoughts she knows are running through my mind.
We sit in silence for a few beats.
“Don’t let the past prevent you from being happy. I knew you had a thing for him when you first started talking about Devil’s Breed years ago. You never talked about any famous person—ever. I don’t think this is a coincidence that he just happened to show up at your doorstep—or lite
rally, your classroom step. You always say you’re leaving your life in the hands of your faith. Well, fate brought him to you. Don’t forget that.”
I stay silent for a few more breaths before she yells, “You did not wake my ass up to have a pity party. Now, quit it and tell me more about this kiss.”
I fill her in on the day. Once we say good-bye, I scroll on my phone, looking at our pictures from today.
It’s mind-blowing to have photos that I took of a man who I’d admired for so long, yet now, I’m getting to know him personally. Each one makes my body yearn to get to know him more.
It’s not just physical attraction. At first, I felt this magnetic attraction to him. I’d see his photos, and something inside me would sing, but I never understood it.
Now, it’s so much more. The person he is makes my insides jumble with nerves, butterflies, and leaps of joy, all at the same time. He has an old soul and isn’t afraid to show it when we’re together.
He’s nothing like what he portrays to the world, and that thought makes me wonder.
Cailin I get, but it’s more than that. Yes, I’ve never personally known true rock stars—only people like me, who were trying to become them—but he is nothing like what I imagined.
I think we put these people up on pedestals, but really, we need to realize they are human beings, just like us. It would be silly if every day of his life was like what he portrayed onstage.
I’m starting to see him more like Adam Tyler and less like Adam Jacobson. With this breakthrough, I don’t question when I pull up my phone and text him a few pictures from today along with another thank-you for inviting me.
To my surprise, his reply pops up right away.
I was just looking at the pictures I took as well. I think this one is my favorite.
I wait as the image comes across my screen and close my eyes in complete bliss when I see the selfie he took of the two of us.
I’m not sure what to say, so I send the red-heart emoji and then instantly regret it, afraid he’ll read more into my intentions than I planned. He texts back.
My exact thoughts.
My eyes widen at the sight, and I blink a few times at the message on the screen.
Cailin was asking if we could see you again tomorrow after church. Are you finished the same time or later since you have this other thing going on?
Reality smacks me across the face, and she’s a cruel bitch to bring down my high this fast. I felt bad about lying before, but now, I feel even worse since I’m getting to know them like this.
I should stop this. I already went down this road with my father, and it took me years to gain his trust back.
I hate feeling like the bad seed in a family who is looked upon in this city as royalty. I want to be close to my mom, and with my nephew coming, I can’t leave now, but that’s exactly what will happen if my dad finds out I’m seeing Adam.
Where will I go? What will I do? Will my mom and Emily be on his side, or will they fight for me?
I scroll through the pictures again, each one putting an even bigger smile on my face. How can I not want this? I was happy today. Truly happy. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time.
Maggie’s words ring in my head.
Fate.
I’ve left my life up to fate for years. My beliefs are what have helped me through those dark years where everything I ever wanted was completely gone. I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going. I prayed every day for an answer or some kind of guidance to lead me down a new path.
Even though my dad said the accident was God’s way of getting back at me, I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to. The God I know and love wouldn’t do that.
Faith. I just have to have faith that I’m doing the right thing by following the path that’s been laid out in front of me. I didn’t search him out. I haven’t been going out of my way to make this happen. Faith is making it happen, and I need to trust it.
I close my eyes to take that leap and text back.
I’ll be finished a little later.
How’s dinner at my place sound?
Sounds perfect.
I respond, feeling slightly guilty but trying to move past it. I’ll have to figure something out—and quick.
He texts back the rock-star-hands emoji as his thumbs-up, I presume, making me laugh out loud as I set my phone down and get ready for bed.
As I’m dozing off a few hours later, I hear my phone ding.
Are you awake?
Yes.
I just wanted to say thank you.
For what?
For opening my eyes.
My heart pounds as I read the words over and over again. If he only knew how much he was opening my eyes as well.
When I don’t respond, he texts:
Good night, Sarah.
Through my ridiculously large smile, I send him the heart emoji, and he sends it right back to me.
This is really happening. Fate has brought me the kind of man I’ve dreamed of. A man who loves life, music, and wants to be a father.
I close my eyes and pray.
I’ve asked you over and over again to show me the way and to guide me through my days of darkness. I see now that you’ve heard my prayers. Please, Lord, give me the strength to fight for what I want. I ask that you guide my father in your same light of forgiveness and acceptance. Amen.
16
Sarah
I wake up the next morning to multiple messages from Maggie pointing out that my picture is all over entertainment news sites. I guess I should have expected it since we were out in public together, but I’m still surprised news of us at a zoo would spread so fast.
I can’t imagine living this way day in and day out. Everyone wanting to take a picture of you must get old real quick.
After scrolling through multiple sites, all questioning if we’re a couple, I drop my phone and get ready for church.
When I arrive, I feel a buzz that seems to be circling around me. My father is in a meeting in his office, and Emily is busy with Emma on the playground, so I walk around, greeting people as they enter, but something just feels off.
The way a few people look at me from afar or seem to be whispering about me makes me pause.
They’ve seen the photos.
My eyes meet Cindy’s, and her expression tells me she’s the one showing everyone they exist.
Why does she care? Why is my life anyone else’s to judge?
I know Cindy wouldn’t go straight to my father, so I walk out to my sister to get a feel of what she knows and how far the word has spread.
“Hey, Sarah. Want to get Emma for me, so I can run to the bathroom real quick?” Emily says as I approach.
She must not have seen them because that would have been the first thing out of her mouth.
“Sure,” I reply and head toward my niece, cleaning her off before I go back inside before the service begins.
When I enter, I get a better feeling for who’s churning the gossip mill and can tell it’s staying to just a small group. I sit a little taller in front of them, hoping if they see I’m not affected by their antics, they’ll drop it altogether.
As I sit in the pews at church, another uneasy feeling washes over me. I’m set to sing in just a few minutes, and knowing I lied to them about not singing today isn’t sitting well with me.
When my time comes, I change the song last minute, going for a shorter ballad so I can get it over with. Once I finish, I’m quick to sit down and remind myself that lying to them is worth it and a good thing.
At least for now.
Once I get home, I change and try to rid the feelings running through me.
I FaceTime Maggie for moral support. “I’m such a shit,” I say when she answers.
“Oh jeez, what now?” she responds, rolling her eyes and then grinning.
I plop down on my couch and sigh. “I lied to Adam and Cailin, saying I wasn’t singing at church today.”
“Um, don’t y
ou sing every Sunday?”
“Yes, and Adam wanted to come watch me and maybe see Cailin sing again.”
The hard laugh that escapes her lips makes me drop my head back in frustration. “Yeah, that won’t work.”
She came to my hometown once. That was all it took. She had planned on attending church with me but backed out last minute. Growing up in New York, she had seen all walks of life. That is, all walks, except those of a small country town and an old-school church.
Knowing she wouldn’t fit in with her short skirts and even shorter hair, she gracefully bowed out and drove to San Francisco for the day where she felt she could be more herself. I didn’t blame her. I love the message and the feelings I get when I’m here. I just wish all the guilt and judgment didn’t go along with it.
“That’s why I lied.” I sigh, staring into the phone and giving her my duh expression. “But you know that shit nags on me.”
“Yes, your soul is just too pure.” She places her hand over her chest, giving me a peaceful tilt to her head and smile.
“I’m serious!”
“Girl, I know you are but stop it. You lied because you had to. Get over it. Now, tell me when you’ll see him again.”
“I’m supposed to go over there in a little while.” I bite my lower lip.
“Did you seriously just say that like you’re dreading it? What’s wrong with you?”
“You’re right.”
“Damn straight I’m right. Now, go for a run or shower, get rid of that angst you have going on, and go get you some Adam Jacobson.”
I grin as I drop my head to my chest. “Yes, Mom.”
“And call me to tell me all about it when you get home, but I have to run now, so peace out.”
This is why I called her. She always reminds me of the person I want to be, not the person I turned out to be.
I take her up on the run idea and quickly change, grabbing my headphones before I head out. Of course, the first song that comes on my playlist just happens to be a Devil’s Breed song.
As I run, I listen to Adam’s voice and his lyrics as they touch me deeper than ever before. Knowing him now brings many more questions about the words he chose in these songs.
Our Song Page 11