This all felt like too much. She was going to have to shower, do a load of laundry, call Mrs. Kent. “Mom—”
“We’ve started a garden.”
“What?”
Walking to the picture window, she raised the blinds with a jerk. As sunlight streamed in, she continued. “Come now, Lilly. Stand up now. Do you see it? The garden is right out front. Charlie and your dad and I tilled and brought in fresh soil and planted seeds all weekend.”
Getting to her feet, Lilly crossed the room and looked out the window. There, just like her mother said, was a large area of freshly tilled soil surrounded by a little white picket fence.
Her family had done all that when she’d just been sitting in the dark? How had she been so unaware of everything around her? Embarrassment mixed with the fog in her brain. She wasn’t quite sure how to climb out of her depression, but leaving the room sounded like a good start. “Mom, what do you want me to do?”
Something flickered in her mother’s eyes. Was it approval? Relief? She cleared her throat. “I made a little map on a sheet of paper and wrote down what we grew. I want you to make some signs and stake them in the ground so we’ll know what is growing where. And then you’ll need to water, of course.”
Her mother paused. “Do you think you can do that?”
Was she capable of getting out of bed, getting showered and dressed, making a couple of little signs, and watering some plants?
It was a silly question.
But, unfortunately, it was also a very realistic one.
Inside of her head, thoughts warred. It all sounded so easy.
But right now everything that had seemed easy was now terribly difficult. Maybe too difficult?
“Yes,” she began. Ready to explain that she would give the tasks her best shot, but she wasn’t completely sure she could do any of it. Ready to talk about how she was still sore.
But before she could form the words, before Lilly could once again say that she wasn’t feeling well…that she had enough to do without making silly vegetable signs, her mother kissed her brow. “Oh, I’m so relieved to hear that.”
“Actually—”
“Thank you, dear. Now, I’ve got to scoot off to work. Be sure and give Ty a snack when he comes home. I’ll be home between six and seven.”
She watched her mother walk out the door, leaving it open for the first time in days. Sunlight shown from the window, illuminating the dark walls.
As Lilly blinked and stared at the ray of light, she heard her mother’s heels click against the wood floor. Heard her keys jangle.
Moments later, the garage door opened and her mother drove off. She was alone and had promised to finally look forward.
Could she do it?
Closing her eyes, she prayed. “Lord, I sure need some help right now. These past two weeks, I’ve felt so alone. But now I realize I haven’t been that way at all. My family has been on the other side of the door, just waiting for me to reach out.
“And the light streaming in, reminds me that You have been there all along, too. Just waiting for me to remember.
“I need You now. Please help me. I promise I’ll do my best not to forget you any longer.”
When she opened her eyes, the room looked exactly the same. The ray didn’t look any brighter or longer or different.
But she felt renewed. For the first time since that terrible night when she’d lost her baby, Lilly felt God’s presence running inside her.
It felt like Hope.
Before she could change her mind, she walked over to her bed, smoothed the sheets, and made it up again—even going so far as to arrange the little teal-and-violet decorative pillows in the middle. She stepped to her dresser and pulled out an old pair of gym shorts. She had no idea if they would fit or not, but they were part of her old life, and she needed the reassurance that somewhere inside of her, she was still the same person she used to be. The sporty girl with plans for herself. The girl who didn’t mind getting her hands dirty or her clothes muddy. The girl who would find the idea of her city family planting a garden invigorating. After picking up a pile of dirty clothes and tossing them into her laundry basket, Lilly gathered some of the dishes and carried them into the kitchen. And then, before she could weigh the pros and cons of it, she walked back to the bedroom and opened her bedside table’s drawer and took out her digital clock. The green light shone an eerie 10:15. It was time to begin.
Things seemed better after Lilly had showered and slipped on an old T-shirt and those shorts, which miraculously still fit.
Her room certainly smelled better after she’d carried out the dirty clothes and stacked her dirty dishes in the dishwasher. After wiping down her desk and dresser with some furniture polish, Lilly finally felt like her room was back to normal. She’d always been organized and meticulous about her things. It was amazing how the dark cloud of depression could change years of habits.
By eleven forty-five, she’d showered, cleaned, and gotten dressed. Lilly shook her head at how slow she’d become. Back in Cleveland, she used to do all those things in under a half hour.
Almost grateful that her mother had given her a list of things to do, she poured herself a glass of orange juice, and tackled item number four on her mother’s carefully printed list: call the Sugarcreek Inn.
After her employer answered, Lilly spoke in a rush. “Hi, Mrs. Kent. This is Lilly Allen. I thought I better call about my job.” She braced herself for a barrage of questions—and complaints. She’d been gone a long time and was a new employee, too.
“Lilly, it’s so nice to hear your voice. I’m glad you called.”
The sweet sound created a lump in her throat. “Thank you.”
“We’ve missed you here. All of us have gotten used to your cheerful smiles and speedy feet. When will you come back?”
It was time to dive in. Staying home in a dirty room was no longer possible. “Right away.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yes. I mean…my mom said that maybe I could come back part-time?”
Mrs. Kent didn’t even hesitate. “Yes, of course. Can you start tomorrow? Maybe just come in for four hours? Do you think you could handle that?”
Her boss was like a cyclone. She talked fast and in circles. Lilly could almost see her with a pencil on the calendar, impatiently waiting to either pencil in Lilly’s name on the schedule or erase it. “Yes?” she asked, though she wasn’t really sure if she was asking her boss the question or herself.
“Good. I’ll see you at eleven. Can you do that? Can you work from eleven until three?”
“Yes?”
“Excellent. I’ll see you then.”
After a quick goodbye, Lilly hung up the phone with a shaking hand. It was done. She was now officially working again and more or less back in the land of the living.
She expected to feel overwhelmed.
To her surprise, it felt good to have something new to think about. Already she was wondering if both Gretta and Miriam would be on tomorrow’s schedule. Next, she started mentally cataloging her clothes situation. She wondered which skirts and blouses were clean and which ones still fit.
Maybe her mother had had the right idea, after all.
Yes, being busy was the key to moving forward. Walking to the neatly printed map of the garden, Lilly smiled at the cute water-resistant place cards for plants that her mother had obviously bought at the nursery. Probably had paid too much for, too.
They were brightly colored and in cute shapes. All Lilly had to do was write on each with a black permanent marker and stick the stake in the soil.
Gathering them all in her arms, she walked outside and strode to the nine-by-twelve-foot rectangle. Their new garden. Neat rows greeted her, as did the distinct smell of freshly tilled dirt and fertilizer.
She found herself smiling as she circled it, trying to get a sense of her mother’s map. Trying to imagine Ty and her mom carefully planting seeds.
She sat down in the gras
s and organized the stakes, but then caught herself staring at a robin flying with a twig in its mouth. She watched its flight until it settled on a low branch of a nearby crabapple tree.
In the distance, a pair of cardinals was flying together, weaving their patterns in the sun, like they were playing tag. Their bright red coats shimmered in the sky, making everything they came near more beautiful.
To her surprise, she grinned. “Lord, thank you. This was what I needed,” she said out loud. “I need to be outside, where things are fresh. Where new life has begun, and where things are growing and changing. Thank you for giving me the strength to move forward.”
Obviously, her mother knew that. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have left such a job. Ty could have labeled the markers and popped them in the ground in no time. No one had needed her to do it.
So her mother had known she needed the task. Well, she would just label the stakes, then she would take a little walk. Not far, but just somewhere to get exercise. Her legs would appreciate it, she was sure.
Yes, it was time to move on. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do, or where she was going to go, but that was okay. After taking her time and labeling eight stakes, she carefully positioned them, then turned toward the creek and started walking.
To where, she didn’t know. She didn’t know if it even mattered. All that did matter was that she had returned once again to the living—just like the verse in 2 Corinthians…The old has passed away and the new has come.
Chapter 9
The sky was a brilliant blue. There was hardly a cloud in the sky.
Altogether, it was far too nice a day to stay another minute indoors.
After quickly cleaning the chalkboards and arranging things for the next morning’s lessons, Clara gathered some papers to grade, set them in her satchel, and hurriedly locked the schoolhouse door.
Next, she decided to take the long way home, by the creek. She wanted to enjoy the beauty of the day and the relative peace nature gave her.
She needed some quiet! Oh, but the children had been a handful. She wasn’t sure if they were grumpy from their weekend’s activities, or merely tired because it was a Monday.
Or they already were feeling a burst of spring fever. But whatever the reason, they had been difficult to control and motivate. She’d sent them home with strict instructions to get some sleep.
That was good advice for herself as well, she supposed. Over the last two evenings, she’d been having trouble sleeping herself. Even that very morning, she’d woken up a bit out of sorts. She’d been dreaming of storms and fires when the alarm clock had shrilly sounded at six that morning. All while she’d hurriedly gotten dressed and packed her lunch, the unpleasant visions that the dreams had brought had seemed determined to sit tight in her brain.
She knew why…over and over she kept reliving the conversation she’d had with Timothy on Saturday night. When they’d been walking, everything between them had seemed relaxed and good. But a cloud had fallen over her conversation, too. She knew he’d been hiding something from her.
Oh, of course, she didn’t expect him to tell her all of his secrets! But she’d left the Graber’s home with the feeling that he’d lied to her about something important.
When Tim had cut off Caleb, he’d looked guilty. She knew she’d stared at him in confusion. What could have caused him to act that way?
Her mother had sure discussed Tim and her visit with him during their long journey home. “Why did you go walking with him?”
“Because he invited me, Mamm.”
“It seemed mighty forward.”
“All we did was talk. It’s a simple friendship,” she’d said, doing her best to convey none of the things that had been running through her head. Actually, she’d gone walking with Tim because he’d seemed to actually want her company. He had made her feel like a normal girl. Like a woman who was admired.
She’d wanted to hold on to those feelings as long as possible.
But as her mother walked by her side in the dim light, far more dark feelings floated between them. “Well, of course you’re just friends. Elsa and Frank told me Tim has a sweetheart back home. Did you hear she writes him on a regular basis?”
With a sinking feeling, she’d wondered if that was who the note had been from. “No.”
Her mamm had looked pleased to know something Clara did not. “It’s true. Supposedly they are stretching their wings and such. They can visit and go walking with other people, but it’s just a formality.”
“A formality?”
“Yes. When Tim returns, he and his sweetheart Ruby will take up where they’d left off.”
“I see.”
“I hope you do, daughter.” When they came to the last one hundred yards, the ground turned steeper. Clara had curved a hand around her mother’s elbow to give her assistance. Mamm had leaned close and let Clara bear much of her weight.
It was a shame that Clara had not felt any reciprocal support. “Well, I am glad we went to the Grabers’,” she chattered. “It was a nice change from sitting together alone in this house. Don’t you think?”
“Jah. But—I don’t think you should make a habit out of going walking with a man who’s practically engaged.”
“I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Perhaps you did not, but we don’t want the Grabers to think that you were taking advantage of their hospitality. Making calf’s eyes at their engaged nephew isn’t good.”
“I wasn’t making any calf’s eyes.”
They’d reached their house. Clara lit the kerosene lantern to guide their way inside. But the light only served to highlight her mother’s fierce expression. “Just make sure you do not ever do that again. You’ll embarrass yourself.”
Tears had pricked her eyes when she’d gone to sleep. Wondering how such a good situation had all of a sudden turned terribly wrong.
But now, as she walked by the creek, a sense of fullness came over her. Things always did seem better in the light of day.
There was a chance her mother had been completely mistaken. Perhaps Tim didn’t have a sweetheart at all! It wouldn’t be the first time her mother had scrambled up gossip.
Feeling better, she sat down and stretched her legs in front of her when she heard footsteps behind her.
Clara turned and quickly looked up. Could it be Tim?
Instead, it was Lilly Allen.
They’d never been formally introduced, but Clara would have known the girl anywhere. Everyone knew about the girl’s pregnancy and miscarriage.
Of course, Lilly Allen probably had no idea who she was. As far as Clara had heard, the only Amish Lilly knew were the Graber family and the Amish women who worked at the Sugarcreek Inn.
Lilly nibbled on her bottom lip as she stood rooted to her spot, as timid as a newborn fawn. “Hi. I was just going for a walk,” she said. “The longer I live here, the more I appreciate this little creek. It’s so peaceful.”
“I’ve stood on its banks many times, just to rest and pray.”
Lilly looked around, her eyes widening when she saw Clara’s book bag and such. “Do you mind if I stay here awhile? Were you planning to work? Am I bothering you?”
Clara turned her face to look at her directly. “Of course not.”
“Thanks. I was in no hurry to wander back home.”
When Lilly continued to stare, Clara spoke up. “I’m Clara.”
“Lilly Allen,” she replied.
Clara shifted nervously. It had been a while since anyone had stared at her so rudely. Entrenched in the Amish community like she was, she rarely came across many English. And most of them only looked as far as her dress and kapp.
Lilly couldn’t seem to take her eyes off of her face. Clara felt just peevish enough to comment on it. “The marks…they’re just scars. I was burned when I was six.”
Lilly blinked. “I’m sorry to stare at you like that. They took me by surprise, that’s all. Your other cheek is so pretty.”
&nbs
p; Now Clara was the one taken by surprise. She’d imagined her forthright speaking would have made Lilly turn in shame. Instead, the other girl was speaking to her directly. “Sometimes, they take me by surprise, too. I forget how ugly they are.”
“They’re not. You’re very pretty.” Lilly looked her over this way and that. “In a funny way, I think they make the rest of you look even prettier.”
“No one’s ever said that.”
Lilly shrugged. “I used to speak my mind too much. I’ve been trying to watch myself, but I guess that habit isn’t completely gone.”
“I heard about your baby. I am sorry for you.”
“Thank you. This…this is the first day I’ve come out of my room since it happened.”
“I imagine it would be a difficult thing.”
Lilly swallowed. “It was. Hey, do you mind if I sit down?”
For a moment, Clara considered telling her that she was just leaving. That she didn’t want to sit and talk. But there was something in Lilly’s face that struck a chord inside of her. Maybe it was the fierce pain?
Or the feeling of loneliness that emitted from her?
“No, not at all.”
After Lilly sat on the rock beside her, she kicked off her tennis shoes and rested her bare toes on the rocks. Clara couldn’t help but look at the English girl’s long legs. And notice how at ease Lilly seemed to feel with herself.
How must it feel? To be so content with one’s body?
“My parents decided to plant a garden,” Lilly said out of the blue.
“We have a garden.”
“I bet. I mean, the Grabers next door do, too. Josh Graber told me it’s the norm for y’all to have gardens. Do you know him?”
“Oh, yes. Our community isn’t too big, you know. We all know each other.”
“He’s been a good friend to me.” She almost smiled. “This past winter, we became pretty close. Some people imagined we wanted to be a couple. Well, my parents did. But we didn’t want to do that.”
“Because he was Amish?”
“No. Not really. It was because I had no interest in having another boyfriend. And Josh, of course, was in love with Gretta.”
Seasons of Sugarcreek 02. Spring's Renewal Page 7