53 Letters For My Lover

by Leylah Attar

  For a moment, I fought against the disarming tenderness of a stranger, the shame of being caught in a moment of weakness. Then his arms circled my waist, pulling me away from the door, from whatever heartache he had witnessed in my reflection. The fight drained out of me. I turned into the shelter of his embrace, and he, not knowing, not asking, took me in.

  Something changed in that instant. For me. For him. Like when the sun and moon align and day turns to night. They finally see each other’s faces and hang, transfixed, even as their eclipse throws everything else into darkness. For those fleeting moments, everything made sense—the pattern behind the random trajectory of life, the infinite order beneath chaos.

  I felt the warmth of sun-soaked soil under my feet, the joy of weaving through thorny lemon trees and chasing clouds of butterflies among spring blossoms. I felt like I was home again.

  A loud splash jarred us back to reality.

  I broke away, feeling like a star unfastened from the sky.

  “I’m gonna get you!” We heard Ryan shouting from the pool.

  Jayne shrieked and ran towards the house.

  “Troy!” She stopped when she saw him, and slid the door open.

  “Hi, Jayne.” He stepped between me and her, allowing me a moment to pull myself together. “You guys ever lock your front door?”

  “We’ve been expecting you.” She hugged him, and held on until he unlinked her arms from around his neck.

  “We?”

  “I’m going too!” She grinned. “And Shayda.”

  “I see.” He looked at me and then back at Jayne. “Is Ryan ready to go?”

  “He needs to dry off. I got him good.” She smirked.

  “I’ll let him know I’m here. In the meantime, why don’t you go change?”

  “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

  “Bugs,” he said without blinking. “We’re going to be near the water. You better cover up.”

  “Fiiine.” She sighed and stomped off, her pony tail swinging haughtily behind her.

  Her absence left a hole that sucked up all the air in the room.

  “I’m afraid I’m not dressed appropriately either.” I tried to dispel the electric buzzing between us with small talk.

  “You’re fine. Exactly as you are,” he replied, without taking his eyes off my face.

  I smoothed my dress, feeling flush under his unwavering gaze.

  “Hey.” Ryan sauntered in, toweling his hair, oblivious to the tension he was cutting through.

  “Is that you, Troy?” Bob asked from the backyard. “You kids better get going if you plan on making it.”

  “Soon as I change,” replied Ryan, heading for his room.

  “Don’t stay out too late, you hear?” said Elizabeth.

  “Yes, Ma.” Jayne stepped out in a demure button-down blouse and jeans. “Come on!” She linked her arm with mine. “Before she changes her mind.”

  We picked Ellen up on the way. With her cinnamon hair and warm smile, it was easy to see why Ryan was smitten. Their exchange was hot and flirty. I kept my eyes on an imaginary spot on the window, looking out as the sky darkened to a deep indigo.

  We came to a crawling halt when we got to the lake. Pedestrians weaved between the stalled traffic; cars turned away from big, bold ‘LOT FULL’ signs.

  “We’ll never make it in time,” said Ryan.

  “Never say never.” Troy steered us into a gas station. “We can walk it from here.”

  “They’ll tow your car!” said Jayne.

  “I’ll go ask.” He walked into the store, spinning his keys.

  A few minutes later, he was back out. “Okay guys. We’re good to go.”

  A middle-aged woman in a blue vest waved at us through the window.

  “This one.” Ellen laughed. “He can charm his way through anything.”

  We crossed the street to the beach, where people were already camped out on thick blankets, waiting for the show to begin. The smell of the lake mingled with hot dogs and fizzled-out sparklers. I trailed behind Jayne, wishing I had worn my flats. The boardwalk proved impossible in my kitten heels, so I stopped to remove them. The place looked different at night, but I was momentarily transported to another time. This was the spot I had come to the day I met Hafez. I closed my eyes, thinking of that young couple, of a time when possibilities were endless and whole worlds lay around the bend in the road.

  When I opened them again, there was no sign of Jayne or the rest of the group. I stuffed my shoes in my bag, wishing I’d asked about a meeting point.

  I was wandering aimlessly when an iron grip circled my wrist, spinning me around, into the solid wall of Troy’s chest. I could feel his muscles tense as he braced me against the streams of people passing us by.

  “Are you all right?”

  I struggled to throttle the dizzy current racing through my veins. He had come back. He had picked me out from the vague mass of night shadows.

  “You found me,” I whispered.

  “Of course.” Like anything else was unimaginable.

  At night, his eyes blazed like summer lightning. I felt something flutter inside me, something I thought was long dead. He took my hand and led me away from the crowd.

  “Where are we going?”

  “I know a place,” he replied, cutting across the parking lot.

  “What about the others?” I followed him past rows of tightly packed cars, into a residential alley.

  “I lost them when I came back for you.”

  “I’m supposed to be with Jayne.” I pulled my hand away. The gritty sidewalk dug into my bare feet.

  “You always do what you’re supposed to?” he asked, with the supreme confidence of someone who did exactly as he pleased. His eyes flashed with the hint of a challenge.

  “I promised Elizabeth I’d keep an eye on Jayne.” But it wasn’t Jayne I was worried about. It was me. Alone with him.

  We stood between rows of neatly trimmed hedges. The light from the street gave his face the craggy look of an unfinished sculpture, highlighting the cheekbones, the line of his mouth, the strong aquiline nose.

  “Jayne is with Ryan. Which means she’s safe. Now you can either follow me or find your own way back.” He turned into the shadowy space between two houses.

  “Wait!” I ran after him. “Insolent beast,” I muttered.

  “I heard that.” But he kept walking.

  We got to a dead-end, closed off by a chain link fence.

  “Grab the top,” he said, slipping my bag off my shoulders.

  “What?” I blinked. “You want me to jump the fence? It says ‘Private Property’.”

  “It wouldn’t hurt you to break a few rules now and then.” He laced his fingers and hunched, giving me a sure foot-hold. “Quickly. Before the guard dogs come around.”

  “Guard dogs?” I scrambled over the top without further prompting, certain I had just cinched the World’s Most Ungraceful Fence Vaulting award.

  I heard a soft thud as he threw my bag over, and then we were both standing on the other side. A spasmodic trembling overtook me as I realized that we had just broken into someone’s place.

  He swore under his breath. “You’re shaking like a leaf.” His hands slipped around my arms, rubbing up and down in a firm, insistent rhythm.

  “I’m f-f-fine.”

  Why? Why was I wearing a sleeveless dress that left my arms bare to his touch?

  “There are no guard dogs, Shayda. And there’s no one home. See?” He nodded towards the quiet bungalow. “We’re just going to watch the fireworks and leave, okay?”

  “No guard dogs? Wait a minute. You tricked me?”

  “I embellished. A little. They have a chihuahua,” he said. “You coming?”

  I spluttered after him, across the grass to the private pier jutting out into the lake.

  “Here we are.” He gestured before us. “Best place to catch the fireworks.” He slipped his shoes off and dangled his feet over the water.

 
I took in the wide vista spread out before us. City lights twinkled around the edges of the water as a warm breeze fanned across its inky depths. The gentle swishing of the waves calmed my nerves.

  I dusted off a spot, a comfortable distance away from him and sat down. “How do you know about this place?”

  “I’m familiar with the neighbourhood.”

  I dipped my feet in the water, letting it wash away the grainy bits of sand between my toes. Loud music blared from the deck next door.

  “Looks like someone’s having a party.”

  “Want to join them?” he asked.

  Four figures lounged on comfy chairs, surrounded by a string of glowing paper lanterns. They were obviously having a good time.

  “I like it better here,” I said.

  “You sure? In the dark?”

  “That’s the general idea, when you’re uninvited.”

  “You hate getting into any kind of trouble, don’t you?” he teased.

  I jumped as the lights turned on behind us, followed by the sound of a door opening and slamming shut.

  “Shit!” Troy jumped into the water, disappearing under the pier.

  The sound of a dog’s barking got louder.

  “Jump, Shayda!”

  I looked at him, then back at the house. I could make out the owner coming towards us.

  “Come on.” He held his hands out. “Now!”

  I took a deep breath and plunged into the lake, gasping from the shock of icy cold water. He caught me swiftly, minimizing the accompanying splash.

  “In here.” He dragged me under the pier.

  Our heads bobbed in the small space between the wood and the water as we listened to the creaking of the planks above.

  “What is it, Nitro?” A man’s gruff voice called over the dog’s excited little woofs.

  “Oh no!” I whispered. “I left my bag up there.”

  “I left my shoes.” He laughed.

  “It’s not funny!” I panicked, my legs flailing in the water as I struggled to stay afloat.

  “Shhh.” He locked his arms around my waist and lifted me so I was straddling his thighs. “Put your weight on me. My feet are still on the ground.”

  “No, I’m...”

  ...fine, is I wanted to say, but I gasped as my curves settled against hard muscle.

  Awareness zinged between us, catching us off guard. He inhaled sharply. I could feel the warmth of his body through layers of wet clothing. My dress floated around us like a white lily pad anchored by his physique. The lake grew unbelievably warm.

  “Nitro!” Faltering steps stopped directly over us. “Get away from there.” The speech was slurred.

  “He’s going to find us.” I gripped Troy’s shoulders as Nitro sniffed the corner where we’d left our things.

  “Dad?” A girl called out from the party next door.

  “Carol?” The man lurched to the edge of the pier. “What are you doing there?”

  “Have you been drinking?” she asked.

  “Yeah. You?”

  Her friends laughed.

  “You better not have,” her father warned.

  “Dad, I’m just catching the fireworks.”

  “Right. I’m going to head in soon...” His voice trailed off.

  I felt Troy’s weight shift and realized how long he’d been holding me up.

  “I can manage now,” I say.

  But he pulled me back, one arm around my midriff, the other supporting the back of my knee. “I’m rather enjoying this.”

  He gave me that irresistibly disarming grin.

  “It’s really quite amazing,” I said.

  “What?”

  “That you think you get whatever you want by flashing a smile.”

  “She bites.” The smile got infuriatingly wider. “I like that.”

  “And I don’t like the fact that you have no boundaries. This is completely inappropriate.”

  “Is that what you’re feeling right now? Inappropriate?”

  “Yes!” I replied, trying to keep my voice low. “It’s not right.”

  “It’s not right we broke in or it’s not right that it feels so good?” He stroked my back, his finger running over each vertebrae before his hand settled over the curve of my back.

  “You still haven’t asked me to let you go, you know.” He braced me closer to the firm, unyielding contours of his hip.

  I held still because I didn’t want to give us away, because we had to be quiet. At least that’s what I told myself. But all the while, a strange beast was unfurling in my veins.

  Help, I beseeched the silver cross around his neck, but it just bobbed on its string of wooden beads.

  Then the sky exploded in a thundering cascade of golden light.

  “Wooh!” Carol’s dad cheered. Nitro didn’t sound too sure.

  I broke away from Troy, my nerves more flammable than the fireworks. Large crimson stars burst in the sky, one on top of the other, followed by flash of brilliant, white showers.

  “Stop it!” I said as I tried to stay afloat in my heavy, sodden clothes.

  “Stop what?”

  “That!”

  “I have no idea what you’re going on about.”

  “Right.” I swatted the shadowy mass by my side disbelievingly.

  It swatted back and attacked my arm.

  I stifled a scream and hooked both arms around Troy, latching on like a circus monkey.

  “It’s a duck. Relax. Probably just startled by the fireworks.”

  “Are you laughing at me?”

  “No.”

  Another barrage of screeching lights rained down on us. The duck quacked loudly, glaring at us as it swam by.

  “Okay, you’re laughing at me.” The corners of my mouth lifted in a reluctant smile.

  “Maybe a little.” He chuckled. “Now will you just relax so we can watch the rest of the fireworks?” He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me back into him, so we were both facing the spectacular display of light and color.

  Massive blooms of pink and green exploded in rapid succession, descending in threads of sparkling silver. Spinning comets reached for the heavens, followed by a barrage of fast and furious explosions, each hanging momentarily in the sky, mirrored perfectly in the glassy reflection of the lake. And then the grand finale—an erratic cloud of red crackles with brilliant, white stars bursting all around.

  I sighed as whisper soft clouds of smoke settled over the lake and disappeared like willowy ghosts. The distant cheering faded and the smell of sulfur hung in the air. Troy held on to me, silent, as we both looked out to the water. I felt strangely compelled to let the moment linger.

  “Dad?” Carol’s voice cut across from next door.

  No answer.

  “Dad?” she called again.

  “What?” Her father grunted.

  “Did you fall asleep?”

  “No. You watch the fireworks and come straight home, all right?”

  “Okay, dad,” she giggled.

  “Come on, Nitro.”

  We heard the planks above us creak as he got up, but instead of retreating, he started singing a loud, bawdy song. He shuffled to the opposite side of the pier, turning away from his daughter.

  And then a stream of water hit the lake.

  “Ewww!” I watched, incredulous, as he emptied his bladder into the lake.

  “Come on.” Troy laughed and steered us away, towards a tired old canoe tethered to the shore.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered when he lifted me into it.

  “Stay down. I’ll go get our things.”

  The boat smelled dark and musty, and the wood was slimy under my hands.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I said when he returned, but he climbed in, deposited my bag and started putting on his shoes.

  I watched the man and his dog disappear into the bungalow.

  “They’re gone. Let’s go.” I started getting out of the boat.

  “Not so fast.” He pulled me
back in and tugged on the anchor. “We’re going for a little ride.”

  “Are you crazy?” My voice rose a few octaves. “You’re stealing his boat?”

  “Trust me.”

  “Trust you?” I squealed. “You had me trespass on private property and jump into the lake like some fugitive. I’m wet as a mop, soaked to my skin; I’ve lost Jayne, been peed on, and attacked by a duck. And now you expect me to row away with you in a rotting old boat that’s not even yours? I don’t think so!” I planted my feet on the deck and stood with my hands on my hips.

  “Sit down, Shayda.”

  The amusement in his voice set me off.

  “I will not! I will not sit—”

  “Suit yourself then.” He started rowing.

  I lurched and landed unceremoniously on my butt.

  “Oh—!” I seethed, unable to find the right words to hurl at him.

  Until he started steering us towards the neighbour’s house.

  “Are you mad? They’ll see us!”

  He continued rowing, his shoulders flexing as he paddled straight for their pier.

  “What the hell?” A guy’s voice called out from the deck.

  Oh god. I hid my face in my hands.

  “Troy?” A girl this time. Carol. “Troy, is that you?” She came around as he rowed us in.

  The other three peered over the railing.

  “Shayda?”

  My mouth gaped open. It was Jayne.

  “What happened to you guys?” she asked as Troy secured the canoe and helped me out.

  “We took a little detour through Carol’s place and ended up in the lake,” he replied.

  “We were starting to get worried,” said Ryan.

  “Are you all right? You’re soaked!” Jayne exclaimed as we climbed up the stairs.

  “What are you guys doing here?” I asked.

  “Didn’t he tell you?” Jayne shook her head. “This is Troy’s place. We would have driven up if the traffic hadn’t been so bad. I am so sorry we lost you!”

  “Who’s this, Troy?” Carol sidled up to him.

  I felt like a dripping mess as she surveyed me with her salon permed hair and artfully ripped sweatshirt.

  “This is my friend, Shayda,” replied Jayne, bristling as Carol’s hand lingered possessively on him. “Troy, your neighbour just showed up uninvited.”