Buying Llamas Off the Internet

by Ian Edwards

  ‘OK, is this some kind of joke?’

  ‘No joke. This is deadly serious. We’re going on a rescue mission first thing in the morning.’

  ‘OK. I’m in,’ Harry said. ‘I actually have some experience of this kind of thing. My wife was in a cult.’

  ‘Jesus Harry, really?’ James said.

  ‘Yep, she was in the Women’s Institute.’

  ‘That’s not a cult, Harry,’ Alan said.

  ‘Well you try getting out of one of their jumble sales,’ Harry replied. ‘Bloody women were a menace.’

  Frankie laughed. To Alan he said, ‘Told you, this bloke is a genius.’ Alan grinned at the empty space.

  ‘He’s doing it again,’ Harry whispered to James.

  He’s under a bit of stress, actually. He’s hoping to get made redundant. But he’s too scared to tell Rosie,’ James whispered in return.

  ‘Why ever not? Rosie is lovely. I’m sure she’ll understand.’

  ‘I can hear you whispering,’ Alan said. ‘And she really won’t.’

  ‘But isn’t it what you want? To devote yourself to your comedy?’

  ‘Yes of course, but I have to find the right time. I don’t just want to spring it on her.’

  ‘Spring what on who?’ Rosie asked, before adding. ‘Dinner’s served.’

  *

  ‘This is really lovely, Rosie, well done,’ Harry raised his glass. ‘You must give me the recipe. I could use the sauce as a new topping for my jacket potatoes.’

  ‘So Harry, Alan tells me you’re doing really well on the comedy circuit. You must be really pleased,’ Rosie said.

  ‘Yeah, it’s going really well. Of course, I couldn’t have done it without Alan,’

  ‘Don’t forget me,’ Frankie shouted from the couch.

  ‘You’re very kind,’ Alan said, ignoring Frankie. ‘It’s a pleasure to work with you.’

  ‘You should take some time out to write more for other people, it’s a money spinner,’ James grinned.

  Alan had no intention of allowing James to coerce him in to telling Rosie about the possibility of redundancy. Changing the subject, he said, ‘So Rosie, Harry wants to come with us tomorrow to help rescue Amy.’

  Rosie looked at Harry. ‘That’s very kind of you, but I really don’t think she needs rescuing.’

  ‘Nor do I, but I have nothing else planned, and a day out is always a treat at my age.’

  ‘Hang on,’ James turned to Harry. I thought you agreed Amy had been kidnapped.’

  ‘I said no such thing. I am, however, happy to tag along and help out if you need anything.’

  ‘Well, that’s settled then,’ Alan said, turning to the TV. ‘Bit disappointing this match. I was expecting fireworks.’

  ‘Yeah, not even a yellow card yet,’ James shook his head.

  ‘Can you two ignore the bloody television and concentrate on dinner? Thank you,’ Rosie said, sternly. ‘I’ve no idea why you’ve got the game on anyway. I’ve never even heard of those teams.’

  ‘It’s the Champions League. Dinamo Zagreb versus Crvena Zvezda,’ Alan said, as though this explained it all.

  ‘That just sounds like noise to me,’ Harry admitted.

  Rosie took a sip from her glass of wine. ‘You see, even Harry doesn’t understand it,’

  ‘It’s Croatia against Serbia. It’s bound to kick off sooner or later. They hate each other,’ Alan turned back to the TV.

  ‘Sometimes I know how they feel,’ Rosie said to no one in particular.

  ‘This really is lovely,’ Harry said again, trying to turn the attention back towards the dinner table. ‘And I’m looking forward to spending a lot more time with Alan writing jokes.’

  Alan coughed loudly. ‘What Harry means is, I am going to devote some time to working with him to improve his act.’

  ‘He’s funnier than you already,’ Rosie grinned at her boyfriend.

  ‘She’s got a point there, son,’ Frankie called out from the couch.

  Alan raised his bottle of beer. ‘To my ever supportive girlfriend. Cheers.’

  Everyone around the table raised their glasses, completely missing the irony.

  ‘So, James,’ Alan said to his friend, ‘what do we need to bring tomorrow?’

  ‘Well I reckon a car, obviously. I could nick some tambourines from the school…’

  ‘What do you want to bring tambourines for?’ Rosie asked.

  ‘To distract them, obviously. Whilst we sneak in and get Amy,’ James said.

  Rosie sighed and pointed out that it was half term and James would have to break in to a school. And not for the first time. James agreed she had a point, then remembered he had a tambourine at home he could bring.

  ‘We might need weapons,’ Alan said.

  ‘Jesus,’ Rosie sat back in her chair.

  ‘Exactly,’ James said. It’s what he would have done when facing down unbelievers.’

  ‘I have some handcuffs,’ Harry said, helpfully.

  ‘Brilliant. Bring them,’ James said. Rosie sighed again, took a large swig from her wine glass and looked to the heavens.

  ‘I wonder if I should bring my bagpipes.’ James asked.

  ‘No mate, you’d best leave them for that llama sitter you’ve got.’

  ‘I’m sorry, a what?’ Harry said.

  ‘A llama sitter,’ James explained. ‘I, that is to say, Amy and I, have a llama. And I need someone to look after him while we’re gone.’

  ‘Did you advertise?’ Harry asked. It was a good question.

  ‘No, in the end I got one of the kids from my class to do it. In exchange for a whole terms’ worth of A’s.’

  ‘James!’ Rosie exclaimed. ‘You can’t do that, it’s wrong.’

  ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures,’ he replied. Rosie shook her head.

  ‘I hope it’s not one of your mental kids,’ said Alan.

  ‘Alan!’ Rosie exclaimed again, before giving up and pouring herself some more wine.

  ‘No, well, not really. It’s Libby Watson. She’s babysat for friends of ours before. I don’t think Charlie will be any more trouble.’

  ‘Charlie?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Our llama…’

  ‘Of course,’ Harry shook his head at Rosie, who responded in kind.

  ‘What other tricks do you have?’ Alan asked Harry. ‘You know, ones for your act that we could use.’

  ‘Well,’ Harry thought about it for a moment. ‘I could just bring my suitcase with old Man Ernie in it. That has a spare compartment for my escapology stuff.’

  Frankie laughed from the couch. ‘This is brilliant. I can’t wait for tomorrow.’

  Alan almost replied, before catching himself.

  Rosie shook her head at Harry. ‘Don’t encourage them, for goodness sake.’

  ‘What? It’s funny,’ he replied.

  ‘To you maybe, but I have to put up with this all the time. In any case,’ she said to James, ‘We need two cars. We’ll need the extra space for when Amy’s ready to come home.’

  ‘Excellent point, Rosie,’ James said. ‘We’ll be like the Magnificent Seven.’

  ‘But there’s only four of us,’ Rosie pointed out helpfully.

  ‘Don’t forget Fr…sorry, Old Man Ernie,’ he replied.

  ‘That makes five,’ Rosie raised her eyebrows.

  ‘Plus Amy,’ James added.

  ‘That’s still six.’

  ‘Yes well, James is a music teacher, counting’s not his thing. Unless it’s one, two, three, four when he counts in for a song.’

  Rosie sighed again. She knew when she was beaten. ‘So, Harry,’ she said at last, ‘shall we pick you up around lunch time tomorrow?’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ he agreed.

  Rosie nodded. She couldn’t wait to get down the sanctuary herself. A few days at a health spa would do her the world of good. Smiling, she took another sip from her wine as she listened to the three men develop an elaborate escape plan.

  Cha
pter 30 – Thursday.

  ‘We’re just turning in to your road now,’ Alan said into his phone. ‘OK, no worries, see you in a bit.’ He pressed the red end call button and put the phone back into his pocket. ‘Harry’s waiting outside his front door so we don’t have to park up.’

  ‘Good thinking,’ James said slowing down as he approached his destination.

  Harry stood patiently, hands in his jacket pockets, and two large suitcases at his feet. On seeing James’ pink car, he smiled and picked up his cases. Alan got out of the passenger seat. ‘Alright Harry? Here. Let me help you with those.’ Alan took both cases and waited for James to pop open the boot.

  ‘Bloody hell, Harry, Are you going on holiday? What have you got in here?’

  ‘Well, clothes, obviously. Then there’s my Old Man Ernie case with all the little tricks in it.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Alan placed the cases in the boot and asked Harry if he wanted to sit in the front. Harry shook his head and opened the rear door.

  ‘Rosie not coming with us?’ Harry asked.

  ‘She’s right behind,’ Alan motioned to the car directly behind. Harry turned in his seat and gave Rosie a wave. Rosie waved back.

  ‘She says we’ll need an extra car for Amy.’

  ‘Oh yeah, I remember.’ Harry buckled himself in to his seat. ‘Is the air-con on? Only it’s bloody freezing back here.’

  James looked at Alan, who nodded. Frankie sat in the other rear passenger seat, biting his nails. Alan wondered for a moment whether Frankie’s fingernails continued to grow. He made a mental note to ask him when they were next alone.

  ‘All set?’ James asked and without waiting for an answer put the car into gear and pulled away.

  *

  ‘So, I bought my binoculars so we could spy on them,’ James said.

  ‘Spy on who?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Them. The cult. We need to understand their comings and goings. We need to find out where they’re keeping Amy. We might need bolt cutters or something as she’s bound to be locked up somewhere.’

  ‘You’re the one who needs locking up, pal,’ Frankie said, making Alan grin.

  ‘This isn’t funny, Alan. This is my wife we’re talking about here. They’re probably brainwashing her as we speak. I saw a documentary on it. She’ll be wearing a bonnet to church and washing the men’s clothes in the stream.’

  ‘I thought you said this Fanny, sorry, Frances woman runs the Sanctuary?’ Harry said, playing with his ping pong ball ring. ‘I mean, if a woman is running the Sanctuary, it’s not likely to be misogynistic.’

  ‘Fan…Frances is clearly the figurehead. It’s how they get impressionable women to join. Oh God, this is awful.’

  ‘OK, mate. Firstly, you need to calm down and keep your eyes on the road,’ Alan told him. ‘Secondly, Amy may be many things, but impressionable? No, I don’t buy it. I agree we shouldn’t trust this Frances woman, but I doubt she’s joining a bunch of lunatics like the Westboro Baptist Church.’

  ‘I guess not.’ James had to concede the point. He’d never trusted Frances Shilling, but she’d never picketed the graves of fallen soldiers as far as he knew. Although he hadn’t seen her in years, so who knew what she’s been up to? He sighed and tried to concentrate on the road ahead.

  ‘You know son,’ Frankie said from the backseat, ‘this reminds me of being in my tank during the war. Men drawn together through adversity, out to vanquish an evil despot. And she’s only one testicle away from being Hitler.’

  Despite himself, Alan snorted as he tried not to laugh. Unfortunately, James’s scowl tipped him over the edge and he let out a huge guffaw.

  ‘Bloody hell, mate, what’s wrong with you?’ James clenched the steering wheel harder.

  ‘Sorry mate, I was just thinking about the Magnificent Seven again. We should have bought Stetsons.’

  ‘I’ve always fancied a pair of cowboy boots, but Ames would never let me,’ James said.

  ‘Sensible girl,’ Harry added.

  The friends fell in to silence. ‘Can I put some music on?’ Alan fumbled open the glove compartment looking for a CD. He pulled the first one out. ‘What’s this? Peruvian Pan Pipes do Metallica.’ Alan turned the CD case over. ‘This is a CD full of Metallica cover versions with pan pipes. Why on earth did you buy this?’

  ‘For Charlie. I thought he might like it. But I got worried that all that head banging might not be such a good idea. What with llamas having long necks and everything.’

  ‘So you’ve never played it for him?’ Alan asked.

  ‘I didn’t dare. Just in case.’

  ‘Son, I never thought I’d say this, but you are most definitely the brains of the outfit,’ Frankie whispered in Alan’s ear.

  ‘Shall I put it on?’ Alan asked.

  ‘It’s not as good as the title suggests,’ James warned.

  ‘Don’t worry, I have very low expectations.’ Alan placed the disc into the CD player and settled back to listen. A slow haunting sound of rushing wind emanated from the speakers, steadily increasing in volume. After a few seconds Alan could determine the slight sound of a single pipe, its delicate tones ebbing and flowing with the noise of the wind. Alan settled back in his seat, letting the pipes drift him away to a far off land, then, from out of nowhere came a crescendo of noise. The heavy screeching of several pan pies filled the car, making Alan jerk up from his slumped position.

  ‘Bloody hell, James, it sounds like someone’s pushing owls through a tree shredder.’ Alan reached out to the dashboard and turned the CD off. ‘Where did you say you got it?’ he looked at the disc in his hands.

  ‘I got it from a petrol station.’

  ‘I know world music is big business these days, but even I draw the line at that.’

  ‘You can put something else on if you like,’ James said.

  ‘Have you got anything that isn’t produced by white blokes with dreadlocks?’

  ‘There’s a Bruce CD in there somewhere.’

  Alan rummaged around the glove compartment and took out the Springsteen CD. This was much more like it, he thought, as he placed it into the CD player and pressed play.

  ‘Oh yeah, I forgot. I also made a CD up for the journey,’ James glanced over at Alan.

  ‘It better not be Bolivian women with tambourines do Rage Against The Machine.’

  James laughed. ‘No, it’s got all the classic travelling to battle songs in it. I was inspired by our conversation last night about the Magnificent Seven.’

  ‘Is that on there?’ Alan asked.

  ‘Yep. Last track. I thought it would be a good song to focus our minds on rescuing Amy. You know, our small band of merry men…’

  ‘That’s Robin Hood,’ Harry interrupted.

  ‘Yes, thanks, Harry. I know, but I mean it’s our small army against the collective might of the Satanist cult.’

  ‘Since when have they been Satanists?’ Alan asked.

  ‘Well they might be. All these cults are the same, aren’t they?’

  ‘And this bloke is a teacher?’ Frankie asked Alan. ‘Only, he sounds like he should be in the remedial class himself.’

  ‘I don’t think they call it that anymore,’ Alan said, before realising where he was.

  ‘Who doesn’t get called what anymore?’ Harry asked. ‘And can you turn the heating on James, it’s getting nippy in the back again.’

  James looked at Harry in the rear view mirror then reluctantly turned up the heating.

  ‘Sorry Harry, I just meant that not all cults are Satanists.’ Alan attempted to explain.

  ‘But it’s not really a cult at all, is it?’ Harry argued. ‘I mean, it’s advertised on the internet as a health spa.’

  ‘That’s how they get you in. And before you know it, you’ve been brainwashed, given them all your money and are barefoot and pregnant,’ James replied.

  ‘You really do have an over-active imagination,’ Harry said. ‘Look, I am sure everything will be just fine. Are you sure you tur
ned the heating up?’ Harry blew on his hands.

  Alan attempted to change the subject. ‘So James, tell me about this Frances Shilling woman.’

  James sighed. ‘Well, she was a lecturer at Uni…’

  ‘I can’t believe this clown got a degree…’ Frankie laughed.

  ‘…and, well, she took a shine to Amy. No, not in that way,’ he added, seeing Alan’s raised eyebrows. ‘No, Ames was just teacher’s pet. She couldn’t do any wrong. Except me, of course. Frances hated me.’

  ‘I can’t think why,’ Frankie again.

  ‘I think Frances thought Amy could do better. She thought I was lazy and uncouth. Those were her exact words.’

  ‘I like her already,’ Alan grinned.

  ‘And I always thought she was trying to break us up.’

  ‘Really?’ Alan was surprised that a university lecturer would care that much about a student, but put that thought to the back of his mind.

  ‘Yeah, she was always asking Ames where she was going in the evenings, then finding excuses to keep her behind.’

  ‘And you know this how?’ Alan thought it was a fair question.

  ‘Amy told me. She was always apologising for being late for our dates. It was always the same excuse; Frances kept her behind to talk about politics, or even just to help her clear the lecture hall. That was when I started calling her Fanny Sixpence,’ James grinned at the memory. ‘It made Ames laugh until one day she accidently told Frances what my nickname for her was. Then she really despised me. Bloody woman would even find out what bar we were going to and turn up. It was like we were being stalked.’

  ‘Didn’t you ever confront her?’ Harry asked.

  ‘No, I didn’t see the point. She’d only find a way of making it seem innocent. Anyway, let’s just say we never saw eye to eye.’

  The friends fell silent as James recounted several times when Frances Shilling would miraculously appear in the student bar, and once even in a pizza restaurant, and all the while claiming it was a coincidence. Eventually James too fell silent as he contemplated Frances Shilling once again playing with Amy’s emotions.

  After an hour or so of virtual silence, save for the sound of James’ battle songs CD, they noticed a sign for Limpend. James and Alan sniggered. Harry shook his head and Frankie laughed.