Finding Love

by Callie Stone

  Troy jumped up and put his hands together in front of him as if he was praying. “Please, Addy. Please don’t tell anyone. I know I fucked up, I know that what I have done is unforgivable not only about Danny but with this. But I am begging you not to do anything rash. Don’t ruin my career, please.”

  “And out of all this, all you’re worried about is your career? Fuck you!” I spit out.

  I see the tears well up in his eyes and the fear is stronger than ever. Shaking my head, I turn and walked to the spare bedroom, closing the door behind me. Screw the groceries, screw Troy, screw everything. I am so done with life, I can’t handle this shit.

  I laid in bed switching between tears and anger the whole day. Even after exhausting myself with crying, I couldn’t fall asleep, I tossed and turned all night. Thank god I didn’t have a job to worry about. Troy knocked on my door a few times throughout the night asking if I was okay, but I ignored him. Does he even have the right to know? Why does he even care? I didn’t have it in me to talk to him. I had a hard enough time trying to control my own emotions while being alone. I started with being extremely angry for all he put me through before switching to a bawling blubbering mess because I felt like my life was falling apart again. Yeah, I know our relationship wasn’t the greatest, especially after Danny, but really, how much more did I have to go through? One thing after another I just kept getting knocked down. When would I ever be enough?

  I walked out of the spare room the next morning with the biggest migraine ever. I stumbled into the bathroom for some pain medicine before making my way downstairs for coffee. The only good thing about the morning was that Troy was at work. Making it to the kitchen I see coffee already made in the pot. I pour myself a cup adding my allotted sugar and creamer to it before taking a sip. Turning around I survey our house.

  I had no idea what to do. My brain wouldn’t slow down even with it pounding. I had lived here for six months. Troy moved me away from my hometown, my mother, everything I knew. What will I do now? I wasn’t even sure what my next step should be.

  Walking over to the couch I plopped down and sipped my coffee while I stared at the wall. Troy is gay. Troy is gay. Oh my god. How in the hell did I end up in this situation? A better question is how the hell did I not notice? All this time and the thought never crossed my mind. Am I that blind? And to top it off, he has a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend, Troy moved his boyfriend here to continue to be with him. He ruined my relationship while having his own at the same time.

  I know not everything in life is about me, but I couldn’t help but going back to the same questions. Why me? What did I do to deserve all this?

  My mind was in a never-ending loop of questions, realization after realization. Would it ever stop? I got up to get one more cup of coffee before switching to water, never eating, spending the day on the couch the staring off into space. My head continued to pound even after the medicine I took. I felt like I was drowning. And even though I thought I was fresh out of tears, they made sure to reappear shortly before Troy got home from work.

  Seeing him walk in the door was like a switch inside of me and the anger reared its ugly head again. Picking up my water glass I threw it at the wall next to the door and watched as water, ice, and glass went everywhere. I stared at the drops of water as they slid down the wall refusing to meet Troy’s eyes as he stood there and stared in shock.

  I should have thrown it at his head.

  I wish I had thrown it at his head.

  Instead, I got off the couch and stomped back upstairs to the spare bedroom locking the door behind me. Grabbing the TV remote, I flopped on the bed and turned the TV up as loud as my head could manage, anything to drown out any noise he might make.

  Within minutes I heard a knock at the door. We had been together long enough to know each other’s moods and he should know this was not the time to bother me. “What do you want?” I yell at the door.

  I hear him sigh on the other side. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. We do have to finish talking about this at some point. We surely can’t live like this forever.”

  That pissed me off even more. We can’t live like this? He didn’t have a problem with my life being miserable when he ruined everything before. But now that it’s his life that is miserable we have to fix it? Do something about it? Talk about it? Ha! He can kiss my ass. “Why don’t you go see your boyfriend. I’m sure he can make you feel better,” I say with every bit of venom I can throw into it.

  Reaching over I scoop up the TV remote again and turn it up louder. My head pounding harder in protest, but I ignored it as I laid down and closed my eyes. Images of him and some mysterious guy started to flow through my head. My eyes quickly popped open. What if I know his boyfriend? Is it one of his friends that come over often? Fuck me!

  While my sex life was practically non-existent he was getting it just about every night. No more sex for me that’s for sure. No way he’s touching me let alone coming near me, after this.

  Chapter Three

  For the next week, it was relatively the same. I hid in the spare room, avoiding him while switching between tears and anger and he attempted to talk to me, so he could ‘explain’ things. Honestly, what was there to explain? He’s gay. Enough said. I was in no mood to hear any excuses he’s come up with. I mean really, what could he say to make anything better. He was gay, had a boyfriend that he moved hundreds of miles to be close to him, and ruined my relationship with my soul mate. Nothing he said could fix any of it. If he thought he could convince me to continue the marriage he was sadly mistaken.

  After a week of being holed up in the spare room, I decided to take action. Every day Troy went to work I would slowly start to pack my things. I started with my stuff in the bedroom sure that he would just assume that I moved my things to the spare room. Then I slowly started moving through the rest of the house trying not to make it too obvious. Not that I cared if he knew but I didn’t want to deal with him if he found out.

  Mid-week I rented a U-Haul for the following Monday and took a trip to talk to a lawyer. I was done. I wanted out of there as fast as possible. But I wanted to do it without having to look or talk to him. Since my divorce was simple he agreed to have my papers ready by Friday. I planned on leaving them out this weekend with the hope that he would just sign them and get it over with. Maybe seeing the papers will clue him in that I didn’t want to talk, and it was certainly over.

  When Friday came and I had to pick up the divorce papers my heart ached. I still loved him. Not the same as I did Danny or the same as the day we got married, but Troy had been a part of my life for years. It would be weird not having him in my life anymore. After getting home I laid the papers out on the kitchen table and did what I do every night, locked myself in the bedroom.

  I felt drained, exhausted, and even worn out. The past week wore me down physically and mentally. I was surprised I could still function day to day. I wasn’t eating and had already lost a lot of weight. I now needed a belt to keep my pants up. I knew I couldn’t continue letting myself waste away and vowed as soon as I moved I would get myself back on track.

  I knew the moment Troy saw the papers. I heard him cussing before stomping up the stairs and banging on my door.

  “Addy, what the fuck is this? You want a divorce? Can’t we talk about this first?” he yelled through the door while wiggling the doorknob to see if it was locked.

  I sat in silence and stared at the wall.

  I simply couldn’t face him anymore.

  Eventually, I heard him whisper ‘fuck it’ before walking away from the door and stomped back down the stairs. I sent up a silent prayer begging that he signed them. I just wanted to escape.

  By Monday I was starving. I guess my body was starting to recover from all the shock. I peeked out the window to make sure Troy had left before heading down the stairs. Sitting on the table were the divorce papers signed and notarized, I don’t know how he managed that on a weekend. I let out a sigh of relief.
I was almost out of there.

  After grabbing a quick yet small bite to eat, I showered and dressed quickly. I suddenly had a fear that Troy would come home early. I didn’t want that to happen. I picked up the divorce papers and rushed out the house. I needed to drop them off with the lawyer to be filed and get my U-Haul.

  Slowly I made my way back to the house in the big moving truck, I had never driven something so big and was extremely nervous. Thankfully the guy there helped me load my car onto the car dolly. There is no way I would have figured that out on my own.

  Pulling into my driveway I released a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. Still no Troy. I can do this. I can load up quickly and head out. It takes me three hours, but I finally get it done. I shed a few tears as I packed the last boxes into the truck. This is it. I am a young divorced woman now. Not how I saw my life playing out.

  I climb in behind the wheel of the truck, take a deep breath and start my journey back to my hometown. Back to my family. Back to the people I needed the most. North Carolina, here I come.

  I never called my mom after everything came crashing down. I didn’t think I could handle talking to her with the way I felt. Instead, I showed up at her door with a full U-Haul and surprised the shit out of her. When she looked past me and saw the truck her eyes instantly softened. “What happened, darling?” I could feel the love and concern just from those three words. I was so glad to be back home and closer to my mother.

  “Hey, mom. Can I crash here for a couple days until I find a place to rent and a job?” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. This was going to be a long day.

  My mom and I have always had a semi-rough relationship. What I mean by this is we have always been close when we are not fighting. But when we do fight, we don’t talk for however long it takes her to get over it. This is part of the reason I wanted to get married and out of the house after graduation. The other part is her need to control everything to include my life which would ultimately lead to the fights.

  “Of course! Are you going to tell me what happened?” she asked softly.

  “Let me grab a drink and I’ll tell you all about it.” I slip past her and head for the kitchen. Opening the fridge, the corner of my mouth lifted in a small smile. No matter what, my mother always had my favorite drink in the fridge just in case. I grabbed a Dr. Pepper and headed to the living room where my mom sat waiting patiently. I was exhausted and really wanted a nap, but I knew she wouldn’t let me do anything else until I told her what happened.

  I sat on the couch across from her, taking a deep breath I spilled the beans from the very beginning. I told her about my unfaithfulness, something I had never told her, all the way up until I packed my stuff and headed home. I watched her as different emotions flickered across her face. I even had a few tears fall, surprised I even had any left. Is there such a thing as running out of tears?

  As the last words left my mouth I felt so much better having her to talk to and getting it all out. I knew everything would be okay, I would just have to take it a day at a time.

  I watched my mom as she stared at the wall and waited while wondering what she was thinking. My mom has never agreed with cheating. There is no excuse big enough in this world to make infidelity okay. I knew that even though what Troy did was substantially worse than my cheating, my mother was going to let me have it for that, too.

  “You’ve had a very long week. How about you go take a nap and rest up while I start dinner.” She gives me a small smile.

  I’m momentarily stunned. That’s it? No yelling for what I did or saying anything nasty about Troy? “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?” I ask.

  She gives me another small smile. “Well, of course, I have things to say but right now I can see the exhaustion on your face not to mention the way you visibly relaxed after you got it all out. I’m willing to bet you’ve barely slept or eaten this whole week. Am I right?” She looks at me expectantly.

  I give a slight nod.

  “Okay then. Anything I have to say can wait until you get some sleep and some food in you. Go lay down and I will wake you when dinner is done.” She gives me her stern motherly look that lets me know this is not up for discussion.

  I slowly get up and head for my old bedroom hoping I’ll find some comfort in there. But I seemed to have forgotten something about my old room. I forgot about all the pictures I had around the room of Troy and me. The happy times in the beginning. I slowly look at each picture and stare at how happy and goofy we were. Nothing in any of the pictures gave me a clue about Troy’s sexuality. He was so good at hiding it for so long I didn’t know why I thought I would find a clue to something.

  Letting out a frustrated sigh I walked around the room and ripped off each picture. I was done looking at him. I bundled them all up crushing them the best I could and throwing them in my trash can. When I wake up I’ll empty it in the trash can outside.

  Feeling satisfied, I pulled the covers down, kicked off my shoes and crawled into bed. Smelling the familiar scent on my pillows I quickly drifted into a peaceful sleep that I desperately needed.

  I’m home and things will surely change now.

  After moving back home I moped around for a while before I came to my senses and started looking for a job. I found a simple job on Ft. Bragg at a bowling center. I was now a full-time desk clerk. I had the pleasure of ringing out customers and handing out the bowling shoes. Shoes that I’m sure must have some kind of fungus in them because let’s be real here, I seriously doubt the spray we put inside gets rid of all the germs from all those sweaty feet. Just the thought of it gives me the chills. I also get to watch the hundreds of military men come and go each day. Seeing their uniforms gave me a couple different pings in my heart. One for Troy and one for Danny. Betrayal and love.

  I wish I could say I wasn’t interested in dating, but I felt like my marriage had been over a long time and I had hoped if I moved on the pain in my heart would stop. Like maybe it would help me forget everything else. What is that called again? Oh, a rebound. Yep, I needed a rebound. Someone to take my mind off everything that had happened in the past year. Deep down I knew this wouldn’t work, but I was tired of hurting, tired of lying in bed constantly thinking about everything that had fucked up in my life. I need someone to help take me out of my head, my thoughts and give me something else to focus on.

  I met Tom at work. He wasn’t bad looking though he was shorter than I preferred being the same height as me at 5’9” with sandy blond hair, blue eyes, and a great smile. I like my men taller than me that way if I want to wear heels I don’t feel like the jolly green giant walking next to them. But I wasn’t going to let it stop me from giving it a go. He was a sweet guy with a nice personality. Liked to wine and dine me which I never had before, it was a nice change.

  Tom was in the Army, of course, that’s what you mainly find when working on base. He worked in the motor pool fixing their Humvees and things. I wish I could say I knew more about his job, but we didn’t really talk about it much.

  Unfortunately, he wasn’t the one to make me forget. I found myself constantly trying to compare him to Danny. Oh, how unfair that was. He clearly wasn’t anything like Danny.

  Tom’s favorite thing to do was play games. Games! He had every gaming system available from PlayStation to the Wii. Not to mention the big computer set up he had just for games. I learned a lot from dating him about the gaming world. Things I didn’t care much about, but I couldn’t believe how many adult men, and women but mostly men, played them. Games were his life outside of work.

  I, unfortunately, didn’t realize this until we had been dating for three months. At this point, the wining and dining slowed down because he couldn’t miss certain game times with his friends. Oh lord, it was like play dates. I still have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. He was obsessed with it. Even sex was put on the back burner. Isn’t part of the point of a rebound is to have crazy animal sex? Yeah, I wasn’t getting any of that.
I barely saw his little friend after the first three months.

  I tried getting into the games like he did. I would sit next to him and do my best at whatever game he was playing at the moment but always ended up failing. Then I’d get pissed off when he would talk to his friends saying, ‘Excuse my girlfriend, she doesn’t know what she’s doing’. It annoyed the shit out of me.

  Since playing games didn’t work at all I decided to try and get him out of the house more. Back to how it was at the beginning. Tried getting him to go to the movies, out to eat, a bar, bowling, anything but nothing worked. All my attempts failed. I’m not even sure why I bothered.

  I tried though. I gave it another three months.

  Three months of sitting on the couch eating takeout while I listened to him talk or holler back and forth with whoever was on the other end of his headset. Shoot him, go to the right, duck. I sat that whole time wondering if the people on the other end had a life … at all. They seemed to always be there and waiting for him. Like nothing could happen until Tom got home and got online.

  It was sad really. A little pitiful.

  I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore. The relationship wasn’t what I wanted nor was it what I was hoping for. I didn’t get excited to see him. Like it was more a chore than a relationship. It was something to keep me from being lonely but hell I’d be better off sitting at home. Not like I’d get laid either way.

  After what had to be the longest six months of my life I finally ended it with Tom. I just simply couldn’t take it anymore. And truthfully, it didn’t seem to bother him at all. He pretty much said, “Okay. Nice knowing you. Bye.” How fucked up was that? And the crazy part is I was actually a little shocked by his reaction? Men are so damn confusing.