Redeeming Honor

by E. A. West

  “I will do my best, but you know that matters of the heart are far from predictable.”

  “I know.” Ryan looked away for a moment. When he met Basir’s gaze again, the civilian man had returned. “I guess what I should say is promise me you won’t intentionally hurt her.”

  “I would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. She is far too special and important.”

  “You and I agree on that one.” Ryan moved to climb into his car. “I’m going to head out. See you later.”

  Basir watched him go down the driveway and then turn in the opposite direction of town. Sighing, he looked up at the house, but he couldn’t bring himself to go inside. He couldn’t face Meghan yet, not after everything he’d told her. True, she’d seemed sympathetic and afterward admitted being attracted to him, but he couldn’t shake the fear that he had made a huge mistake. What had he been thinking, opening up to her? He kept those things hidden for a reason.

  The lawnmower sitting in the middle of the yard caught his eye. After finding the kittens, he hadn’t finished his chore. He headed for the machine, determined to finish it now. At the very least, it gave him a good reason to have some solitude so he could figure out what to do now that his feelings were out in the open.

  ~*~

  The sound of the lawnmower shattered the quiet as Meghan settled the napping kitten in a towel-lined box. She set the box on the floor by the wall and left the kitchen, heading for the front door. A quick peek out the window beside it showed Basir pushing the mower through the grass and her brother’s car missing. Well, at least her lawn wouldn’t remain half-mowed for long. If only she knew Ryan would accept a relationship between her and Basir, then she could relax. For now, she had yarn waiting to be wound into skeins and packaged for sale.

  Two hours later, she set the last skein into the nearly full plastic storage box and snapped the lid in place. Plaintive mewing drifted to her ears from the direction of the kitchen. She followed the sound and found the kitten wobbling around its towel-lined nest, calling as loudly as its little voice allowed.

  “I hear you, babe,” Meghan said as she knelt beside the box. “Are you hungry again?”

  She stroked its soft fur, which quieted the cries only briefly.

  “All right, little one. I’ll mix up some formula for you.”

  She had just settled into a chair and stuck the bottle in the kitten’s mouth when Basir came in. Sweat darkened his T-shirt and grass clippings clung to his sneakers and jeans. He paused and then moved to the sink.

  “Thank you for feeding him. I came in to see if he was hungry.”

  “Yeah, he started complaining about the same time I finished winding yarn.” Suddenly, the kitten started squirming and spit out the bottle. As its cries renewed, Meghan tried without luck to feed it. “Come on, little one. You won’t stop being hungry if you don’t eat.”

  No amount of coaxing could get the nipple back in the kitten’s mouth. Basir dried his hands and approached.

  “Let me try.” He accepted the kitten and gently stroked its body as he spoke softly. “You need to eat to feel better.”

  He held to bottle to its mouth, and it latched on. Sucking loudly, the kitten kneaded Basir’s fingers and settled into his hand as though it belonged there. Meghan smiled and met Basir’s gaze.

  “I think he’s definitely your baby.”

  Basir looked away and seated himself in a chair. His features had the same tension she’d seen far too often, especially before he said anything about his life in Afghanistan. But underneath the tension lay an intense sadness that made her want to cry without even knowing what caused it. How could pointing out that the kitten preferred him to her make him that sad?

  Despite longing to ask about it, she held her tongue. Experience had shown that he would talk to her when he was ready, if he wanted her to know what was on his mind. Even though she wanted to know everything about him and his life before coming to America, she had already accepted that would likely never happen. After all, how much didn’t she know about her brother’s time in the marines? And she was related to him. Basir had been a stranger just a few weeks ago. Even with his increased conversational abilities, she still knew remarkably little about him.

  Finally, he stroked the kitten’s belly with his thumb and spoke barely above a whisper. “I almost had a baby once.”

  Meghan instantly regretted her choice of words when referring to the kitten. “What happened?”

  “Kashmala was killed before it was born.” He looked at her with damp eyes. “Even your brother doesn’t know that. At the time, I couldn’t tell anyone that I had been unable to protect my unborn child. It made me not only a terrible husband but a terrible father. I couldn’t face that shame along with everything else.”

  “I’m so sorry, Basir.” Tears stung her eyes at his tangible pain. How horrible must it be to carry around such a secret, to never be offered comfort for the loss of the child he had never had a chance to meet? “I hope you know that I don’t think you are a terrible husband or a terrible father.”

  “I do.” He sighed and focused on the kitten again. “It is difficult for me to feel I am a good man, especially with all that happened because I worked with the marines. But knowing you accept me and see me as good helps.”

  She laid her hand on his arm, feeling anything she said would be inadequate. He looked at her fingers resting on his warm skin, and then he lifted his gaze to hers.

  “We have not talked about my attraction to you.” He cleared his throat. “I have nothing to offer you but the broken man you see.”

  “I don’t see a broken man.” She gave his arm a gentle squeeze and withdrew her hand. “I see a man who has suffered a great deal. A man who is trying to find his way in a new land with a new way of life. I see a man I would like to get to know better and spend more time with.”

  “Ryan agrees with you that I am not broken. He says I am changed.” He shook his head. “But I feel broken, even if you don’t see me that way.”

  “Broken things can be repaired and made whole again. There will be scars, but those are evidence of healed wounds.”

  “Like my eyes,” he said softly.

  “Exactly like that.” She wanted to touch the scar tissue just to show him it didn’t bother her, but she sensed that would be too intimate in his mind. “I want to help you heal if I can. If you’ll let me. But you’re going to have to tell me what would help you. I don’t know what to do on my own.”

  “Be you. The way you accept me for who I am now and treat me with kindness no matter what I reveal to you...that is beginning to heal the broken places inside me. I still have much healing to do, but like I said earlier, you give me hope.”

  The sincerity in his voice filled her heart to overflowing. She could easily continue to treat him the same way she had been, nurturing the friendship she hoped would continue to strengthen and grow. A romantic relationship might take some time and creativity to develop, but she had a feeling his openness with her was his way of developing that relationship. Perhaps she could help him experience the American way of romance. A quick glance at the clock revealed it was nearing dinner time, and she decided to take full advantage of their need to eat.

  “I hope you don’t mind if I change the subject, but what do you think of having pizza for dinner?”

  “Pizza is good.”

  “In that case, why don’t you put the kitten in its nest over there?” She indicated the box against the wall with a wave of her hand. “We can go into town to the best pizza place around.”

  “Meghan...” His internal struggle showed in his face and eyes. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?” She thought she knew the answer, but she needed to hear it from him.

  “I am Afghan. Sitting here with you, alone...it is difficult, but I will do it because I enjoy your company and I know that this is how it is done in America. But going out with you alone, in public, is too much right now. I want to be able to take you on a date someda
y, but this is all still too new for me.” Basir shrugged, looking so uncertain that she wanted to smack herself for pushing him. “Do you mind too much if we don’t go into town tonight?”

  “It’s fine. I can order the pizza and have it delivered.” She bit her lip and fought the urge to cry. “Will you forgive me for pushing too hard? I’m still trying to learn and adjust to a different way of doing things too, and I don’t always know when to back off.”

  “There is nothing to forgive.” A faint smile lifted the corners of his mouth. “There are times I need to be pushed to let go of the old ways and live by the new.”

  He set the empty bottle on the table and rose from his seat. After settling the kitten in its towel-lined box, he turned to Meghan once more.

  “I will go clean up now.”

  He left the room without another word, and she stared after him long after he disappeared up the stairs. Despite her joy at Basir finally talking to her about himself and his past, she was overwhelmed. His new openness felt as though their relationship had progressed from barely friends to something intensely intimate in a matter of minutes. That he’d admitted the loss of his unborn child, a fact he hadn’t even told Ryan, was huge. She couldn’t help feeling as if he was already thinking of marriage while she was still considering the first date.

  Not for the first time, she wished she could seek her twin’s wisdom and advice concerning romance in Afghanistan. But after his overreaction to learning of Basir’s attraction to her and vice versa, she didn’t dare ask him how it all worked. No, she would have to figure it out on her own with only her Heavenly Father to guide her.

  10

  The sound of a vehicle coming down the long drive shattered the late-night silence. Basir tensed as memories from his homeland flooded his mind, but then reason kicked in. The vehicle was probably Ryan’s car. Still, as the only man currently in the house, he was responsible for Meghan’s safety.

  With that thought in mind, he left his bed, taking care not to disturb the kitten slumbering in the box beside it. As he headed downstairs, he heard the front door open and close. Despite his certainty that it was just Ryan arriving home, every fiber of his being prepared to defend Meghan with his life, if necessary.

  He reached the first floor at the same time Ryan stepped into view. His friend’s eyes widened and his step faltered, but then he relaxed and smiled.

  “Hey, man. I didn’t expect anyone to still be awake.”

  “I heard your car on the driveway and wanted to make sure it really was you.” Basir studied him but saw no sign of his earlier anger. “I felt it was my responsibility to protect your sister in your absence.”

  “I’m glad to know you’re looking out for her.” Ryan shifted his weight and sighed. “I’m sorry for the way I left earlier, but you guys shocked me.”

  “Forgive me.” Basir placed his hand over his heart.

  “There’s nothing to forgive.” Ryan glanced up the stairs and met Basir’s gaze. “Let’s go to the kitchen to talk. I don’t want to disturb Meghan.”

  Once they were seated at the kitchen table, Ryan spoke again.

  “I’ve had plenty of time to think about you guys liking each other, and I still don’t know how I missed it for so long. Thinking back, I should have seen the signs weeks ago. Out of curiosity, just how long have you been interested in my sister?”

  Basir dreaded answering, but he couldn’t lie to the man. “Do you remember the photograph you showed me while we were still in Afghanistan? The one of Meghan with her hair loose?”

  Ryan’s eyebrows headed for his hairline. “You’ve liked her that long?”

  “She is a beautiful woman.” He shrugged, hoping his friend wouldn’t be offended by the blunt statement. “When you showed me her picture, I only wished I would have the chance to meet her someday. Then, when you brought me here and I did meet her...I think that is when the attraction truly started.”

  “I see.” Ryan looked away, his expression impossible to decipher. “I want you to know I think the two of you are perfect for each other. My problem earlier was all me. It wasn’t anything you or Meghan said or did.”

  “Will you tell me what the problem was?”

  “My two worlds collided, and I wasn’t prepared for it.” The intensity in Ryan’s haunted gaze was unsettling. “I’ve always tried to shield Meghan from knowing what my life was really like during my deployments. You were a part of those deployments, so you know everything. The two of you getting together is like having two different parts of me getting together, and it’s hard. Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for you guys. I just need to figure out how to handle having my life as a marine becoming a part of my life as Meghan’s brother.”

  Basir leaned forward. “You know I will do everything I can to take care of Meghan and protect her.”

  “I know, and that’s one of the reasons I approve of you for her. You’re a good man, and you’ll treat her right.” Ryan shook his head and leaned back. “It’s like I said, this is my problem alone and really doesn’t have a lot to do with you guys. It’s just the weird stuff going on in my head that’s causing the issue. I plan to talk to my counselor about it the next time I see him.”

  “I am not the only who needs help adjusting to a new way of life?” Basir smiled, enjoying evidence that someone else struggled with changes.

  Ryan chuckled. “No, I need help with that too from time to time. Speaking of a new way of life...I know casual dating is a no-go where you come from. Have you decided to give it a shot now that you’re integrating into American society, or do you have something more permanent in mind for my sister?”

  Heat infused Basir from head to toe. How could he admit to the depth of his feelings so soon after admitting he had the feelings in the first place? “I would like to get to know Meghan and develop a relationship with her.”

  Ryan scrutinized him and leaned forward. “What kind of relationship?”

  “Whatever kind she is willing to have with me.”

  “Marriage?”

  “Perhaps someday, if she is willing.” Basir wished Ryan didn’t know him and Afghan culture so well.

  “Does she know how strongly you feel?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t told her yet. It is too soon for that.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “No. I am still learning about romantic relationships in America. If we were in Afghanistan, I would have my father talk to your father.”

  “That’s pretty serious.” Ryan studied him a moment longer. “If at some point you decide you want to talk to our father about a future with Meghan, I’ll give you his phone number. But you’ll need to talk to Meghan first. We don’t do arranged marriages in my family.”

  An arranged marriage would make things so much easier, but he understood that wouldn’t work. Thoughts of possible marriage at some point in the future brought out his doubts full force. “I don’t know if I am worthy of marrying your sister yet. There is still much from my past that must be laid to rest.”

  Ryan heaved a sigh. “I’m too tired to argue with you again about your worthiness. Let’s both go get some sleep, and maybe by morning you’ll realize you’re worth as much as the rest of us, regardless of what happened in the past.”

  They rose from their seats, but Basir stopped Ryan before they left the kitchen. “You will not tell Meghan how I strongly feel for her?”

  “Nope. That’s up to you to tell her.” Ryan grinned and clapped a hand to his shoulder. “I may be her brother and your friend, but you guys are on your own for making this romance work.”

  He headed into the hall, and Basir stared after him. Romance? Somewhere inside, he knew that’s precisely what it was, but hearing the word out loud was still intimidating. He knew nothing about romancing a woman. That could have been part of why Kashmala hadn’t liked him. He had tried to woo her after their wedding, but his attempts had been awkward at best.

  “Father God, please grant me the wisdom to do this properly,” he
whispered. “You know how I feel about Meghan and my hopes for the future. Please help me to let go of the past so I can move forward.”

  Even though he didn’t suddenly gain any insight into how to handle the situation or have any instantaneous healing from all he had suffered, he felt better knowing the situation lay firmly in God’s hands. He headed for the stairs and hoped the next day would bring him the confidence he needed to build an American-style relationship.

  ~*~

  Meghan didn’t see her brother until the middle of the morning. He walked into her workshop and dropped onto the bench by the wall as she boxed up a small order of yarn. She waited for him to speak, but he was still silent when she attached the label to the box and set it aside to take to the post office later.

  She braced her hands on the table and studied him. “Are you over whatever was going on with you last night?”

  “No, but that’s going to take a while to get over.” He looked away, and she was struck by how similar the gesture was to Basir.

  “Come on, Ryan.” She blew out an exasperated breath and crossed her arms. “You knew I would fall for someone at some point, and I happen to know you like Basir. Why can’t you be happy he’s the one I’m interested in?”

  “I am happy about that.” He met her gaze, and she couldn’t deny the sincerity she saw there. “Like I told him when I got home last night, I think you guys are perfect for each other.”

  “So, why are you acting like the thought of us dating is torturing you?”

  “Because it kind of is.” He rose and paced across the room. “Like I explained to Basir, I’ve worked so hard to keep my time in Afghanistan separate from my life here. I wanted to leave that time in the past where it belongs.”

  “Then why did you want to bring Basir here in the first place?” She was suddenly glad the man in question was out doing something with the alpacas. With the way this conversation was going, poor Basir would likely assume it was against him somehow.

  “He needed a place to stay, and I owed him a lot.” Ryan faced her again. “I knew it was a risk bringing him here, but I never expected the two of you to fall for each other. Now that you have...it’s like having both parts of my life slam together with no warning. I can’t pretend to keep them separate any longer. I know you can’t possibly understand that, but it’s unbelievably difficult for me right now.”