The Laundry Hag's New Year's Clean-Up

by Jennifer L. Hart

  It was indeed a penis chandelier, complete with testes. Two large curving staircases arced out around the sides of the foyer before they twined back to the second-floor landing. The light fixture protruding obscenely between the flaring curves in a very provocative way.

  “Did they design it this way on purpose? Or do you think it was an accident?” My husband scratched his chin.

  “You don’t buy a giant penis by accident,” I told him. “It’s probably positioned like that to make it easier to clean. Though I’m starting to understand why the Swenson boy is so screwed up.”

  The strings of beaded bulbs within the crystal phallus cast rainbow prisms across the three-story walls. Beneath it sat a tiered marble fountain with a fat winged cherub perched on top. It looked like the penis was going to let loose on him at any minute. Water spilled from his pursed lips and the tip of his arrow made the whole thing seem even more surreal.

  “Looking at this makes me want to pee.” Neil said in a wondering tone.

  “Me too.” Leo concurred.

  “Stop staring at it,” I hissed to the guys. “We look like tourists visiting a high-end cathouse.”

  “I’m kinda afraid to let it out of my sight,” Neil murmured.

  “What else is there to look at?” Leo asked.

  I took in the walls along the foyer. Nothing as interesting as the giant illuminated phallus. “Stuff.”

  Large mirrors and numerous art pieces hung from the walls in classic gallery style. The portraits were a smidge racy but not nearly as lascivious as the penis.

  “People in masks,” I added.

  On the ground level, women’s heels clicked on the Italian marble, servers clad in black and white livery, also wearing simple black masks, offered champagne and hors d'oeuvres.

  “Don’t look, Mrs. Swenson at two o’clock.” Leo did a subtle about face, plucking two champagne flutes off a passing tray and handing one to me. “I say we check out the upper levels first.”

  “Somehow I doubt the chocolate fountain will be upstairs.” I handed the champagne flute to Neil, my sights set on calories I could sink my teeth into.

  “Oh, come on,” Leo hissed. “Don’t you want to check it out?”

  I did, but breaking off from the well-dressed herd right away seemed like a good way to get caught. “I thought you wanted to rub elbows, find someone to kiss at midnight?”

  “We have several hours to go. Right now, I want to snoop.”

  The last time I’d snooped in a wealthy person’s home, I’d discovered his collection of medieval torture devices and ended up working for his pill of a wife. Call me kooky but if curiosity didn’t kill the cat at least she learned from her mistakes.

  “I’ll go with you, Leo.” Neil said, surprising us both. “Be nice to see the view from upstairs.”

  Knowing Neil, he was more likely wanting to get Leo on his own and give him what for after the uncomfortable limo ride. Normally, I would have intervened but Leo was responsible for dragging me out and I could sense the presence of a chocolate fountain nearby like a disturbance in the force.

  “Have fun you two.” I waved them off and headed in the opposite direction from Mrs. Swenson.

  It took me ten minutes of searching to find the chocolate fountain. In was located at a window seat overlooking the immaculate back yard. It was a thing of beauty, five levels of bubbling chocolate goodness with a two-tiered illuminated color changing surround base with little porcelain dishes of varying dipables. One sported strawberries so red they must have been imported. Another banana, a third some sort of nut, a fourth pound cake.

  A few party goers had already zeroed in on the spot, all women, naturally. One, tall, slim blonde and sporting a pink glittery butterfly mask seemed familiar, though I couldn’t place her. I turned away, eager to evaluate the selection and avoid recognition.

  “Oh honey, how lovely.” One of the women murmured.

  Casting a quick glance over my shoulder, I saw that a woman in a hideously frumpy blue dress and peacock mask was studying the blonde’s ring finger, where a huge rock sparkled with blinding intensity.

  “Grant always had excellent taste.” A slim brunette in a silver sheath dress remarked. “In jewels and in women.”

  I decided to start with the cake and make my way around. Little china plates and fondue forks had been left off to the side. I speared several pieces of cake and barely restrained myself from diving in face first. Diet starts next year.

  The chocolate rained down on the bite-sized piece. I was just bringing the sumptuous bit to my lips when the blonde spoke.

  “Oh, I know it’s fast.” The woman I’d known as Amber Phillips drawled. “But when it’s right, it’s right. Don’t ya think?”

  My fondue fork clattered to the floor, leaving a dark smudge on the pristine marble. I barely noticed the mess as I turned to gape at Neil’s ex-wife.

  Chapter Two

  Four hours ‘til midnight

  Neil

  Freaking Leo. I followed him through the crowded room, measuring his alcohol intake. The last thing that man needed was anything to loosen his already overly chatty tongue.

  Bringing up Amber in front of Maggie was never a good idea. For whatever reason, my wife felt insecure about Kenny and Josh’s mom and at this phase in our marriage my guess was that she always would. Something Leo in his right mind knew. After all, he’d been there in the beginning, had seen how everything went down.

  But there was the problem. Leo wasn’t in his right mind very often these days. His drinking was out of control. If my wife had been an ounce less of a caregiver, she would have never let him talk us into this scheme.

  Leo struck up a conversation with a man about two decades his junior. It was hard to watch as he laughed too loudly at his own joke. Even though I was pissed at him, seeing the object of his affection turn away with a sneer on his face hurt. Leo was a good guy. A lonely guy. He moved over to another group, down but still not out.

  I snagged something small, brown that looked like it took hours to concoct from a passing server and popped it in my mouth. Meh. I hated the food served at these events, had grown up with caterer’s tromping in and out of my parent’s house on a weekly basis. Laura had been using the same mediocre caterer since the eighties.

  Reliving my shitty childhood and babysitting a manic-depressive alcoholic was not the way I’d envisioned tonight going. It was the first night we’d been sans children since Lily’s birth.

  The first night Maggie wasn’t exhausted from a colicky infant, stressed about school projects or covered in dog drool and baby spit. The first night she’d been relaxed and happy, actually laughing. And as much as I loved my kids, I needed to make time with my wife. Badly.

  Having made no inroads with the other group, Leo set down yet another empty glass and plucked up another of liquid courage. I shook off my self-pity and moved toward him.

  “Hey buddy,” I slung an arm over his shoulder. “How about we go for a walk.”

  He looked over at me, his mask askew. “Sure,” he slurred. “That sounds nice.”

  Though I’d been intending to steer him out the front door, he lurched toward the stairs, tripping up them. I caught him by the belt and hauled him up. The second floor was a bit more private, but when I tried to steer him toward a bedroom so he could lay down he swatted at me.

  “No, you gotta see this art gallery. It’s up there.” He pointed to the third floor. “Freaking amazing.”

  “I’ll take your word for it.” Again, I urged him toward a bedroom. If I could just stash him somewhere to sleep it off, maybe I could go back and find the one person I did want to ring in the New Year with.

  With the melancholy characteristic of the totally inebriated, Leo’s mood shifted. “Neil, I love you man.”

  “You too, pal.” Just less at the moment than at other times.

  “You’re such a good friend,” he blathered. “You and Maggie both. What will I do without you?”

  “Don
’t worry about that.” Walking seemed to shut him up, so with a resigned sigh, we made for the third floor.

  “I know I’m a pain,” Leo’s pity party was turning ugly. “I just want what you guys have, you know? It’s been...forever since I had a date. And forget about sex.”

  “Wish I could,” I grunted and urged him to sit on the top stair. “Here, let’s just chill for a second. Okay?”

  Leo broke into noisy sobs the instant his butt met the stone floor. “My life is a mess. What happened to me? One second, I was young and hot and was helping raise my nephew. Now he’s married and I’m still working for your mother. When did I get so freaking old?”

  The people on the landing below us stared up.

  “What are you looking at?” Leo blubbered in an angry tone. “You’ve never seen a gay man self-destructing? Don’t you people get cable?”

  “Okay, pal. Let’s go see this gallery.” I tugged him away from the onlookers.

  Leo lit up. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I said through gritted teeth. “You can tell me what I’m looking at. It’ll be like a date.”

  “Really?” Leo sniffled. Just not with the person I wanted.

  “No sex though,” I warned him.

  He snuffled. “Not on a first date anyway.”

  “Maggie,” I muttered under my breath as we headed into the gallery. “You so owe me.”

  Maggie

  IT WAS AMBER ALL RIGHT. It had been eleven years since I’d last seen her, being hauled off to jail for her part in kidnapping, criminal negligence and endangering her own children. When had she gotten out of prison? Did Neil know she was not only out, but mixing in with the elite of New England?

  Crap on toast, Neil.

  Just thinking his name in her presence made me blanch. Oh hell, I had to get him out of the house before he recognized her. No chocolate fountain in the world was worth the ensuing bloodbath if the two of them ran into each other. Neil still blamed her for endangering Kenny and Josh and Amber blamed him for testifying against her and sending her to prison. Grudges didn’t come in a bigger value pack.

  “Are you all right?” Amber had noticed my stare, the spattered chocolate. The maternity dress. Behind her mask, her blue eyes widened with alarm. “My fiancé is a doctor. I can run and fetch him.”

  Fiancé. She’d duped some poor schlub into marrying her. No, not a schlub, a doctor. A doctor she was going to go fetch because as far as she knew, I was just some random pregnant woman in distress.

  She didn’t recognize me. Of course the elaborate mask probably helped. That and Amber had never really looked too closely at me. She’d treated me as the hired help. But if she caught a glimpse of Neil....

  “No.” Somehow, I managed to force the word out. “I’m okay, really. Just a vigorous kick.”

  “Oh, do you mind?” Peacock lady reached forward toward my flaccid stomach.

  Adding a partial truth to the fib I forced a smile and asked, “Does anyone know where the powder room is located? I’d like to freshen up.”

  “I’ll show you,” A woman in a stunning monarch butterfly mask offered. Mrs. Swenson, the woman whose party I was crashing. When had she approached? Though I couldn’t see much of her upper face, small lines that Botox had yet to touch creased around her full mouth. Wondering who I was, most likely.

  This was bad. I couldn’t spend any more time with her than necessary. Not only did I run the risk of Amber or Mrs. Swenson recognizing me, I needed to intercept Neil almost as badly as I needed to use the facilities. Slipping away would prove even more difficult if someone was keeping track of me—the poor ‘pregnant’ lady.

  “You can just point me in the direction, preferably one without a long line?” I didn’t hesitate to play the expectant mother card by rubbing my belly as a visual aide.

  “Upstairs, third door on your left leads to the east wing. We kept it closed off for the party, but I think we can make an exception in this case. Are you sure you’re all right? Ms...?”

  “Sampson.” I said, using my maiden name, since she knew my married one. “Margret Sampson.”

  “A pleasure to meet you.”

  It took some effort on my part to walk like a human being, not slink like a whipped dog or scurry like a high-strung mouse. Slowly, I picked my way across the crowded room that seemed even more crowded than it had a few moments ago. Though I normally detest crowds, I was grateful for the press of other bodies. Anything that would help the hostess lose sight of me. My heart thudded and sweat had formed beneath my mask. No time for claustrophobia. As though summoned by Leo’s earlier prattling, Amber had appeared like a ghost, not half an hour from our front door, at the New Year’s Eve party we’d crashed. What were the freaking odds?

  When had she gotten out of prison?

  As I made my way toward the nearer set of stairs, I told myself it didn’t matter. After her conviction, she’d signed full custody of Josh and Kenny over to Neil and then I had adopted them. She couldn’t actually do anything to any of us.

  Except make trouble.

  The crowd thinned out on the closer staircase. I spied several men in formal wear and domino masks, but none of them were as broad shouldered as the one I was hunting. Leo’s Liberace on Ice costume, which might be visible from orbit, was nowhere to be seen either.

  Needing privacy, I made my way to the third-floor lavatory and fished my phone out of the small feathered drawstring bag Leo had given me as part of my costume. My hands shook so much that I almost dropped the device in the toilet. Finally, I swiped to the page with a gorgeous profile shot of Neil and pressed on his face. The connection rang, once, twice, three times. Did he even have his phone with him? Neil wasn’t one of those men who was constantly tethered to technology. It was entirely possible he’d left it at home, knowing that if there was a problem with the boys or Lily, his folks would call me first.

  “Fat lot of good that does when you aren’t with me,” I grumbled as his voicemail picked up. I hung up without leaving a message. Instead, I sent a text. “Ready 2 go. Drag Leo if you have to. I’m on floor 3.” Leo was next, and he too didn’t bother answering. I grumbled as I sent another text with my location and then stowed my phone. That was all I could do, short of go looking for them and risk getting cornered.

  There were pros and cons to the idea and I weighed them one at a time. Pro—if Neil didn’t have his phone and Leo was too inebriated to bother answering his, looking might help me connect with my fellow party crashers sooner. Con—if either of them actually received my message they would look for me here, in the third- floor bathroom, and if I was gone they would have to find me. But if they did have their phones, I could just keep updating them on my progress.

  Mother 101—when in doubt, go pee. After taking care of business, I turned on the water in one of the marble sinks and stared at my masked reflection in the gilded mirror. A stranger stared back at me, all bright eyed and apple-cheeked, flushed from the excitement and hormones. My reflection was a shock, I’d half expected to see the down on her luck twenty something I’d been when I’d first met Amber Phillips.

  I remembered it as though it was yesterday, me arriving on her doorstep, desperate for the room and board nanny position I’d seen in the classified pages. Her, gorgeous in a high maintenance sort of way and totally self-involved. Kenny and Josh, living in a mess their mother couldn’t be bothered to clean up and denied the one thing they needed most, unconditional love.

  They hadn’t been the only ones.

  I blinked and the memory faded back into the deep closets of my mind. No time to mull over that fateful day. I had to find Neil and I couldn’t rely on him getting my message. Presumably, he was doing his best to keep Leo out of trouble, and away from the open bar, which was also away from the danger zone.

  I opened the door and poked my head out. No one in the hall. I pulled the door open wider and turned left, away from the murmur of voices and the steady thrum of music. If anyone asked what I was doing poking about
the third floor, I’d just claim to have overshot the bathroom.

  The next door opened into a spacious peach and lace bedroom. A bedside lamp had been left on so I didn’t need to go searching for a switch. The room was also occupied. A couple stood entwined against the antique armoire. The man was naked to the waist, his back to me. The woman wore only her bra and sleek silver mask, at least from my angle. Her eyes were closed, her head thrown back in bliss. A large diamond sparkled on her left hand.

  Damn my fornicator locator. Why did I always stumble across people in the throes? It was like the worst super power ever.

  I shut the door quickly, relieved they hadn’t noticed me.

  Okay, so maybe I didn’t need the bathroom cover story. Anyone who lurked around at the party’s edges was probably having some sort of secret rendezvous and would be undoubtedly less interested in my business than in hiding his or her own.

  I approached the next door cautiously, listening for any sounds of occupation, or worse, copulation. The door was solid oak, so I wasn’t surprised that I didn’t hear a thing. Guess I’d just have to roll the dice.

  Taking a deep breath to brace myself, I gripped the handle and twisted the knob. The door opened smoothly, no creaks or groans, but the hair stood up on the back of my neck anyway. Some primal instinct warned me not to enter that room, to shut the door and walk away. A smarter woman would have done exactly that.

  I walked into the room, leaving the door open behind me.

  Massive floor to ceiling windows were draped with heavy curtains and sheers. The window treatment filtered the light of the waxing moon across white and gray marble floors. I waited for my eyes to adjust and tried to decipher exactly what kind of space this was meant to be. My nose detected the distinct scent of furniture polish, though other than the occasional chaise lounge, there didn’t seem to be much furniture present. It was more of a long corridor, though where it led, I had no idea.

  My heels clicked on the marble, my hands spread out on either side of me, searching for a lamp or a switch. Anything to shed a little extra light on the space, to tell me where I was relative to the rest of the house and if Neil or Leo had come this way.