by Blythe Stone
Chapter Four
Avery
When I woke up, I thought it was a dream but, the headache clued me in. There was no nightmare. Skylar had kissed me and Olivia had seen it. I rolled off the bed and ran for the bathroom, barely making it before I puked. I slammed the toilet lid open and threw myself over the opening, getting rid of everything.
It wasn’t just what I’d drank or whatever had been in it. I was sick at the thought of Olivia seeing that. I didn’t notice I was crying until I tasted the salt. It was strange after the alcohol and acid coming before.
“Babe?” I heard Olivia and felt her hands coming down to reach for my hair and touch at my back. “Are you okay?” She asked quietly.
“I don’t care about me,” I spat into the toilet. I didn’t turn. I didn’t deserve to look at her. She was worried even after what had happened; she was still taking care of me. Even if it wasn’t my fault, even if I didn’t kiss Skylar back, I felt like I had betrayed her just by being the object of Skylar’s attention.
“Hey,” she said. “I’m right here.” She squat down behind me and rubbed my back. I felt her rest her face on my back and hold loosely at my sides to calm me.
“I know. You’re always there and that’s part of why I love you but I don’t deserve it.” I just closed my eyes and tried not to get comfort from her touch. It felt good and I couldn’t let her be nice to me. “I didn’t even kiss her back and I feel like shit even being close enough to her for her to be able to do that. I don’t even know where it came from. She just did it. She started saying these things and the shit in that drink made me all fuzzy and then she was in my face and she did it.”
I sat back, rolling off my knees and settling against the clean toilet with her body still on mine.
“Why are you even listening to me? You should be kicking my ass or at least mad at me. I hate that people do these things. All I ever fucking wanted was to love you and to be left alone but I get into these modes where I just do stuff. One thing after the other. Skylar kept making me feel like I needed to hang out with her before summer because she was going away and then we were going to different schools. I guess I did everything wrong but why? She was supposed to be my friend.”
“Baby, stop,” Olivia said, trying to calm me. “Just calm down, please. We have time to talk about it. We have time to figure it out. I knew about Skylar,” she said. I felt her relax into me and rest.
“What,” I croaked through tears. “Knew what?”
“She told me,” she said sadly. “She told me a long time ago and she made me promise not to tell you. I just never thought she’d act on it or that you’d receive such an action. At first I actually just thought you were both crazy. I couldn’t understand how you could be friends for so long and not know. I’ve been feeling jealous and bad for her for months.”
“I still don’t get it. What did she tell you?”
I put my arms around her, just happy that she was there at all. My thoughts and assumptions about the world shifted on such a regular basis that she was all the stability that I had.
“It was that day before we went to go talk to your dad. When we first got back from the lodge. That day when I was in that shit mood and I went to the coffee shop and saw Skylar all alone?”
“Okay, but what did she tell you?” I felt like she was trying to tell me without telling me. “I want to know everything.”
“I was complaining,” she said. “I was complaining about you waking me up and she got mad because she liked you Avery. She’s always liked you. And she told me that. And I was surprised and then she said something to the effect of: I hate Sarah and I don’t even give a shit about the swim team. It just made perfect sense. She was watching you the whole time trying to be close to you, loving that. And then I just came in and kissed you and she’d never had the guts to do that before and I just felt like such an asshole and so confused because if she had kissed you- years before- she could’ve saved you misery. She could’ve saved you Ben. I dunno,” she sighed. “It was just so confusing and I couldn’t tell you without risking the ruin of your friendship and it was just… Bad. But I knew.”
I sniffed, trying to breathe and not move too much. “Can’t I just have one fucking actual friend?” Every time I turned around it was something else. “Besides Holland.”
“Baby, you’re wrong,” I shifted gears to explain. “She couldn’t have saved me. If she’d kissed me back then I would have stopped her. I don’t feel that for her. She’s my friend. That’s all. If she’d kissed me back then I would have just told her it wasn’t a good idea and that I’d break her heart. I still would have let Ben.”
“You can’t be mad at Skylar for loving you,” Olivia said. “She can’t control that. And who knows… She was probably drunk tonight. Who knows- she might’ve been poisoned like you. If anything you should probably check on her.”
“I know but I can’t right now. I just… Can’t. She kissed me even though she knew that I wasn’t hers and I wasn’t going to be. She risked my happiness so she could have something. I couldn’t do that. You know I’ll get over it but she risked my relationship with you and she should know that losing you would kill me.”
I let it all sink in. Olivia was right. I needed to calm down and consider how Skylar was dealing but I couldn’t fight through the panic of it.
“Baby, she knew I knew… She also knew I wasn’t some idiot who was just going to back down at one challenge…” She seemed sad though after saying that.
“That makes it worse,” I pulled her close to me whimpering. “I am so sorry. I never wanted her to do that. I swear. I was so shocked. I can’t believe I never saw it but she had to be goo-” I stopped, thinking back. “I am an idiot. An oblivious dumbass.”
I needed to know right now. This wasn’t going to be an easy thing to get over.
“I’m sorry,” Olivia said, surprising me. She was just holding me now, so calm and quiet.
“You shouldn’t be apologizing. You didn’t do anything. You kept a promise and it was hard. I know you. You were probably being torn up inside by it. Not being able to tell me and also knowing that she was into me. God, all the fucking hours I spent with her the last few weeks. It must have killed you. I’m the one that’s sorry. I’ve been so stupid.”
She was quietly crying but holding me.
“You’ve been miserable and just keeping quiet about it,” I stroked her hair. “Am I right?” I prayed that I wasn’t. That somehow through a miraculous circumstance she hadn’t been keeping all this inside and not telling me.
“I’m okay,” she lied. “I’m fine.”
“Tell me the truth, Vi. I deserve to know how much I’ve fucked up.”
“You deserve to be happy, Avery. You seemed happy. That’s all that mattered to me.”
“I was just doing. Does that make sense? You make me happy. It’s like I have a real solid base with you and I can go from that.”
“I dunno…” She said.
“What have you been feeling? I wish you would tell me when you start feeling these things. Even though you shouldn’t have to. I should know. I should see it. I hate that.”
I hung my head, feeling sick and spent.
Her tone changed. Her strength was breaking.
“I like how you fuck up royally and somehow I’m in trouble and it’s all my fault.” It was bitterness, something I didn’t get much from her. She got up from the floor and shifted her body in her robe before going back out to the room.
“I’m not blaming you. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I know that. This is what I mean. I don’t know what my problem is sometimes. Why can’t I just be normal?”
I followed her and tried to touch her, tried to hug her.
She pushed me off of her though, carefully.
“I’m sorry,” she said, tossing me a can of fancy candies to soothe my throat. “I just really don’t feel good right now.”
I watched her wipe her face in her hands and crawl into bed, throwing the cover ov
er herself and turning away from me in the dark.
“Okay,” I whispered to her back.
I just slid down the wall to the floor where I was and sat there, feeling nothing and everything. I couldn’t run. That would make it worse and she didn’t want me to touch her so I just stayed where I was, trying to disconnect from my body.
I put a candy in my mouth and sucked.
“Avery,” I heard Olivia say after a little while. “Please hold me. I don’t feel good but I miss you and I need to know you're okay.”
My head rose and I looked up at the rise of her body under the covers. I got up, using the wall for balance and padded to the bed, slipping in behind her and wrapping her up in my arms.
“I’m sorry,” I said, pushing my face into her neck and hoping that I wasn’t actually going to break her with this.
“You just have no idea how much I’ve been missing you,” she said sadly.
I felt her breathing change and her hand come up just to hold at my neck and keep me close.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
There wasn’t anything else I could think to say. I didn’t want to give her empty platitudes and I couldn’t lie and say that she didn’t have a point. I’d let my insane schedule get away from me. I’d gone into my head and my little world without even realizing it.
“I don’t want you to be sorry,” she said. “I want you to remember me. I’m a real person. I’m not invisible. I have real thoughts. I’m just different. I’m not like you.”
“I never forgot you, Vi. It’s my fault you feel like I did. I love that you’re different than I am. You are more real than everything else in my life. I guess I just let myself get lost in rushing around. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. It won’t happen again.”
I would make sure. Leaving people I loved was something I’d never do. I couldn’t. I knew what being left was like.
“I don’t want to talk about this,” she said, sounding sad.
“Okay, we can just lay or sleep. I’ll be here.”
I just wanted whatever she needed. That’s all. I didn’t even want to ask what it was. I needed to be able to know without asking. That’s what I felt was right.
I felt her tug my arm tighter and silently ask me to be closer. I wrapped my legs up in hers and ran my arm up across her chest, spooning her, wishing I could do something to take her sadness away.
“This is usually my favorite time in the whole day,” she said. “I wait all day for this.”
“It’s mine too. I know you stay awake sometimes because I do too,” I sighed into her neck. “It’s stupid but I just can’t sleep but I don’t want to leave. So, I just feel you watch me. Sometimes, anyway. A few times. I didn’t know you felt like I forgot you.”
“You just haven’t been as present. You’re not as present with me. You haven’t been for a long time… I know you don’t mean it though. It just happens...”
“It’s not going to happen anymore.”
Something clicked inside of me and I could see everything like she must have seen it. I didn’t know how to tell her how much I hated that I hurt her.
“You’re more important to me than anything,” I reminded. “I’m quitting the play. I can’t do that part and I won’t put you in that kind of position. I don’t even want to go to swim anymore if it’s taking away from us.”
“Avery, you can’t,” she said, twisting to face me. “This isn’t all about Skylar you know? And it’s not about you having a life. It’s about how you treat me now. It’s about how things changed. It’s about everything. It’s about how before I was your everything but now I’m just this person you sometimes notice because you just so happen to live with me.”
Maybe I had been right all along. I wasn’t good enough for her. I couldn’t be what she needed. She was better off with someone who wouldn’t make her feel like that. She deserved better and she wanted better from me. I could try but if I didn’t make her happy then I needed to realize that all the reasons I didn’t like myself were just who I was.
“I know I can’t make what you’ve felt go away but I-”
“God,” she groaned, turning away. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Why? Because I’d feel bad and try to fix it?”
“No,” she said, calming. “Because you have enough to deal with and you’ve already basically pledged your life to me. I’m just needy and ridiculous. I dropped all my interests when I met you. I’ve just changed and it’s me; not you.”
“I don’t think it’s all you. I was being inconsiderate,” I sighed.
“Yeah but Avery I don’t want to be your fucking duty.” When she cursed at me it bit. It was always sharp and rare. I never saw it coming when she unleashed anger like venom releasing it straight into my bloodstream and debilitating me. “This is what I was talking about months ago,” she went on. “I don’t want you to have to try. Either it’s natural or it’s not. Either you want me or you don’t.”
“Olivia. I have NEVER, not once, stopped wanting you. Just because I got caught up in the bullshit of my life and stretching myself too far doesn’t mean that I don’t want you. My life was so different before you. I literally cared about nothing except getting out of here. That’s the only reason my grades were as good as they were. I swam because it kept me busy and I liked it. I did drama because it was something to get me out of the house and it was fun sometimes. Being with you isn’t like that. It’s what I want.”
“I guess I’m just overly sensitive,” she said coldly. “I guess I just never stopped feeling the way I felt that very first week you started seeing me.”
“I never stopped feeling like that either but we went back to school and stuff just started happening.”
Olivia turned back around. She curled herself into me and balled the fabric of my shirt up in her hands so she could hide her face in my chest. I could feel her breathing me in. She just wanted me to hold her.
I let one of my hands slide up to the back of her neck beneath her hair so I could hold her into me.
“Your mind’s too busy,” she said. “You can't find me sometimes…” It was the saddest thing.
“Yes," I whispered.
Sometimes I felt like I could do everything and anything and then things like this sent me crashing back to Earth.
“There are things I can’t be the one to do, baby,” she whispered.
“What do you mean?”
I didn’t want to hurt her by not knowing these things but I couldn’t pretend to understand. That would be worse.
“There are just things I can’t be the one to say,” she went on. “I love you too much. It’s too hard. I can lift you up but I can’t tear you down.”
“I don’t understand. What kind of things?”
“These things…” She quieted. “These things we’re talking about now. It hurts me to have to tell you how I’ve been feeling. It hurts me because I know you didn’t know. I know you weren’t aware. It hurts me because I know I’m hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you. I hate it.”
“Okay.” This wasn’t one I knew how to solve. It didn’t need to be solved. That was the problem. It wasn’t something I could just fix.
“I think it will be better now though.” My voice was small. Everything that happened... Olivia should have left me a long time ago if she wasn’t blinded by love. Sometimes I wondered if there were parts of me that she couldn’t love though.
She just stayed quiet after that. It made me more nervous. I clung to her, wishing I could just crawl inside and see what she was thinking.
“Are we okay though?”
“I love you,” she said. “That’s not changing. That hasn’t changed.”
It wasn’t an answer but I couldn’t press her any farther.
“I love you too.”
If we were like this- then- how was Skylar? She might have had more of that crap than I did. I was still mad at her. I couldn’t stop that. It would take seeing the damage for me to
forgive her.
“I know you do,” Olivia said reassuringly.
“Is Holland okay? I know I wasn’t really the best hostess.”
She comes all the way up here and I drag her into drama central. I was going to have a lot of explaining to do.
“She seems okay,” Olivia said. “I sort of cried all over her though...”
I just laughed. I could see it. “She’s good at damage control. I bet she was happy to do it. Also, she’s seen me in way worse conditions so don’t worry. You haven’t even gotten close to meeting her crying friend threshold.”
Olivia didn’t say anything and she didn’t laugh. She wasn’t upset she just wasn’t up to pretending we hadn’t just been through what we’d just been through.
“I’m sorry. You know me. When I can’t deal I laugh or go crazy. I’m choosing to laugh right now.” With a heavy sigh I smoothed her hair away.
“It’s fine,” Olivia said.
“I think I messed up. Not seeing what was going on with Skylar. Seriously though, how did she never say anything or…”
“It’s hard to say something. To do something you think might ruin your whole life.” Olivia spoke freely on that. “I understand,” she said.
“But it’s my fault for not noticing.”
Not only was I a shit fiancé. I was a bad friend. Obviously.
“It’s not your fault… It’s not hers either though. You both only did what you could. I can’t imagine being with you all that time and not doing that within the first week. She must’ve been terrified of losing you.”
I just wanted to scream. Why? I wasn’t that special. All of these people who had feelings for me in the past and even right now. The way they expressed it and how they hung on. I didn’t get it. I just wanted a straight answer.
“I want to ask you something and I want you to not get mad.” I stopped there. “Never mind. That was a stupid thing to say. I just want a real answer to this. It’s something I’ve never been able to understand. I should probably just ask Holland but I’ve started now so I have to tell you.”
I took a breath. All those words just flew out of me. I didn’t know what to do with it.