by Blythe Stone
“In a house that you and Avery live in,” Holland shrugged, confused. “You want me to go, I will, but one of us has to take care of her.”
“Holland!” I said, sort of angry with her. I wasn’t the one playing fucking games. Avery was. “No. I’m not saying either of us should go. I’m just saying, look around you, please?!” I begged. “Look around you! This is my life! This is what I’ve been building with her. This isn’t just one random day. This is something that feels like it’s been building in her and now we’re here and I’m here but I don’t feel like I’m home and-” I clutched my stomach and had to move to sit down and just breathe.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry,” I tried to gather myself but I was breaking. I felt my voice choke. I felt the tears. “I love her so much. I love her so much and I just had to watch while….”
I had to stop myself. I couldn’t talk. Tears rushed me. I felt like such an idiot. So fucking small.
“Hey,” Holland said, moving to the bench near the closet with me. We could both see Avery from where we were. She just lay there, breathing deeply, like she was just asleep.
“It’s okay,” Holland said. “You don’t have to apologize to me. If I’d seen something like that I’d be freaking out too. You’re right. I get a little protective of Avery. I always have. She didn’t have much after Adam died but you brought her back. You’re okay,” she put an arm around my shoulders. There was something so instinctively trustworthy about her. It was weird.
“She loves you too and I’m sure it will be okay. You need some air or water or wine. I hear there’s a great wine cellar here,” Holland joked, rubbing my arm and smiling. There was a calming energy about her but I’d been through too much.
“Yeah,” I laughed, trying to loosen up. Who the hell was this girl anyway? She was pretty and sweet and normal, the kind of person I’d been needing for years. “I dunno if we should leave Avery though,” I said. “Do you want wine? I can go get some.”
I guess I could use a drink.
We had wine in the guest house but I was feeling like I needed air so I pushed myself out of the place and walked slowly around the pool feeling the cool breeze of the night.
I could hear my parents laughing inside. They were having a dinner party or something. There was lots of laughter. Several mismatched voices rising up warning of joviality.
I wiped the tears from under my eyes and walked into the kitchen, trying to brave it.
There was no way to recover though. Not really.
This was horribly bad timing.
I could take Skylar kissing Avery. Well, I mean, I could take it if I didn’t have to see it.
It just hurt to know that all this time it had been coming. All this time it was like foreplay to now. And Avery might not have known but I knew. I knew the whole time.
How fucked up is that?!
What does that even say about me?!
It was an experiment; a test. I kept it hidden. I let it be.
I walked through the open French doors and made my way to the kitchen.
“My goodness,” I heard my mother say upon seeing me.
She was the only one there. It looked to me like she had come in for the same purpose as me.
“You okay?” She asked. “You look a bit shaky.”
“I’m not,” I confessed. I wasn’t sure though how much was right to say and how much was wrong.
“I’d ask you what happened but I know how you are.” She seemed like she’d been looking for relief. Maybe the dinner wasn’t exactly as she hoped? Maybe she pretended a lot more than I knew? I couldn’t say.
For whatever reason I felt I should open up to her and try to be human.
“I just came back from a party,” I said. “I don’t go to parties. I don’t like them.”
“Okay,” my mother took it in. Leaning back on the counter and taking a sip from an expensive wine cooler, she watched me and listened.
“Avery kissed someone,” I said. “She kissed this girl. This girl I knew she would kiss.”
My mom was quiet.
I instantly felt stupid for telling her. I pulled a cold bottle of red out of the fridge and set it down on the counter while I tried to gather myself.
“This girl is like her best friend and she told me she loved Avery months ago and I told her to tell Avery but she never did and-”
“Olivia,” my mom said, walking over to me and making me turn and hug her.
“What?” I asked, confused with myself. I hung in her arms, accepting it but not exactly comfortable.
“I’m sure it was a mistake,” my mother said.
I felt shocked though. Everybody was on Avery’s side.
Even my mother, who had her body wrapped around me. Even she was on Avery’s side.
“How can you know?” I asked. I felt how my breath just sort of stopped, how I lost all control and fell into her. She was supposed to know. She was supposed to have good advice. I’ve been told, that’s what mothers are for.
“She loves you,” my mother said, petting my hair and hugging me. “You two have been through too much. And I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
I took in a deep breath and tried to reconcile what I felt and where we’d been.
Taking in air was like swallowing glass awkward pieces of glass.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I said, clutching onto her.
“You’re angry,” she said, knowing. “And you’re sad, always sad…”
In her voice the truth hurt me. It wasn’t just about right now. That was the worst of it.
“I never mean to make everything so-”
“Olivia-” she said, hushing me. “It’s never been you sweetie.”
I didn’t know what to say…
“Olivia?”
I heard Holland’s voice and saw her peek in from the open French doors of the patio.
“Oh,” I said, moving away from my mom to be more social.
“This is Avery’s friend Holland, Mom,” I said, wiping my tears away carefully. “Not the one-”
“I know,” my mom said, stopping me. “It’s nice to meet you Holland,” my mother said, walking over and shaking her hand.
I grabbed the bottle from the island and tried to act like I hadn't just had a mini breakdown in my kitchen.
I was really beginning to hate Avery for all of this mess. None of this was me. None of this was what I asked for. I didn’t ask to go to the airport. I didn’t ask for Holland to come. I didn’t ask for that stupid party. I didn’t ask for her to be drunk. Or be cheating.
All of this could’ve been avoided if I just stayed away from Avery when she was with her friends like I had been trying to do.
“We should go back out,” I said, touching Holland’s side and suggesting a change.
I wasn’t sure why I talked to my mom. I didn’t usually do that. This was all new. Maybe it was that sight of her in the kitchen hiding. We were similar and she kept saying that but it was hard to believe until moments like this.
I was quiet as we walked and I could tell Holland felt uncomfortable.
“Your house is really something else,” she said once we were out by the pool.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said darkly.
“What?” She asked.
“You don’t have to pretend this isn’t weird. I know this is weird.”
“Okay,” she said, reaching down and taking my hand.
I stopped where we were and put the wine bottle down on the ground. We were close to the house, still outside. I stopped and turned awkwardly. There was a second where I knew I could stop myself if I wanted to but I did it anyway. I turned and pulled Holland in to hug me.
I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and forced her to hold me.
I don’t know why or how but I knew I needed to hug her so I just did.
Tears came and I cried as she held me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I’d been squeezing her so tight. I k
new I needed to break and Holland was here so I didn’t have to do it alone.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize to me. I’m just glad I was there… And here. I had no idea things were weird between you two. I’m sorry it’s been that way. I know you’re not okay but are you gonna make it?”
“Make it?” I asked oddly, gathering myself and trying to be brave like before. Make it where? What did that even mean?
“Are you going to be okay eventually?” She rephrased.
I laughed, still slightly holding her. “I’m not suicidal,” I scoffed. “I’m just sad.”
I looked in at her and noticed she’d been really concerned before but now she was happy.
“God,” I said at myself, pulling away and picking the wine bottle up. “She picked a hell of a weekend to have you come.”
“I guess so,” Holland said. “But I’m gonna go home on Sunday. You guys need some time. I can come back when things aren’t so crazy. Maybe this summer. I just want to make sure Avery’s okay before I leave. You probably saw her around some of her worst but that first year I was afraid for her,” she nudged me. “You gonna open that or just hold onto it?”
“Oh,” I said, jolting back into life. I kept walking until we got back inside. I was scared to leave Avery alone. I knew she might wake up and remember everything and then go AWOL like she’d been known to do. Avery and upset did not mix well.
The last thing I needed right now was to find Avery all bloody at some dark abandoned park where rapists lurked at night. I was already at the end of my rope.
“Here,” I said, pouring a glass for Holland once we were both back inside. We sat down at the small table near the kitchen bar. After I gave Holland a glass I turned some low music on just to try and steady myself.
The kitchen was small but it could be dark at night and I liked that. The windows were open and I could hear the crickets from outside. The night wind had wandered in, I lit the center candles and poured another glass to try and calm down.
It was the magic hour, that time of night when everything felt a bit haunted.
After effects from before, I was shaky, coming back into sense.
“You’re not leaving,” I said, once I’d finally gotten up the strength to calm down. “Avery’s missed you. This whole party thing was a complete fluke, probably.” At the very least, I hoped that was true.
“I’m not going to argue with you,” Holland said. “Avery missed me but she needs to figure out her shit and fix this. That’s not going to happen as easily if I’m around. I’ll be back. I haven’t gotten to know you yet and I need to.”
“I’m not letting you stay with her parents,” I laughed through stress. “If Avery’s lost it has nothing to do with me. It’s all this other stuff. I can’t help her if it’s all that. You might be able to though. She talks to you.”
“Yeah, but she needs to talk to you,” Holland explained. “I don’t think she knows how you’ve been feeling. You actually need to talk to her. She can get distracted easily and she just goes and goes.”
“What’re you talking about?” I wondered. Distracted? What does that have to do...
“I’m saying you’ve had to notice how she gets on those crazy highs where she can’t focus.” Holland took a drink from her glass and set it down. “Sometimes she doesn’t eat or sleep. It’s tied to her stress level. I’ve seen her go two days without eating. She just doesn’t feel like she needs it. Anyway, she doesn’t realize that the things that are essential to her are falling by the wayside. You’re essential to her.” She took another drink. “It’s just a theory but we should check on her.”
“Okay,” I said, nervously. How could Holland be so keen to know about Avery’s behavior from miles and miles away? My heart sank. There was of course, another element there as well.
I never thought about Avery maybe having some sort of imbalance. She did have highs and lows. Mostly though she just seemed really hyper and distracted. I just figured, she knew herself, I dunno…
“Yeah, just ask her about the therapy they put her in after Adam died.” Holland got up, holding out her hand.
“Wait,” I said, pulling her back to stand closer to me. “What are you talking about?” Avery hadn’t told me anything about being in therapy. Not ever.
I tried not to be too confrontational but Holland kept dropping tiny bombs in my house.
“She was majorly depressed, “Holland said, eyes searching mine carefully. “As you would imagine,” she went on. “But it got really bad. Her teachers got worried and talked to her mom. She went to therapy but she quit once her mom stopped paying attention. You should just ask her. She doesn’t like to talk about it and the only reason I know is because I went with her a few times.”
“I’d ask her but she doesn’t tell me these things. I need you,” I said, realizing it. How could I ask something I don’t know to ask? “I need you to tell me what I don’t know. I’ve been promised to Avery for months and she hasn’t told me anything about this. And It’s not because I didn’t ask,” I pointed out.
I let go of her hand and picked my wine glass up to drink a hefty gulp. I needed to simmer. Days like this I was more than aware of my flaws. High and low. Drinking. So bad with boundaries. This night had pretty much been the worst. I spilled my guts to my mom. I embarrassed myself in front of all of Avery’s friends. I couldn’t escape. Avery passed out. It was just the worst.
None of that mattered though. What did matter was that Avery had been keeping things from me. She’d been keeping more things from me than I could even know.
“Holland,” I asked, looking up at her. “Please.” If she didn’t spill no one else would.
Holland was the only one else who could possibly know the things that Avery was pushing aside. A sort of emotional desperation took hold of me.
“She doesn’t think it’s a big deal and she blew it off,” Holland explained. “She thought it was bullshit at the time and it isn’t something she’s probably even thought was important enough to tell you. They diagnosed her with bipolar disorder. It’s something that’s always stuck in my mind but she totally dismissed it. I don’t know if they were right or not. When she’s out of whack she’s really out of it though.”
“What do you mean, really out of it? I need an example.” Really out of it could be pretending you could marry someone and pretending to be in bliss.
Just one fucking example.
The anger hit.
NO BIG FUCKING DEAL.
I felt my hand rise to hold at my neck and try and quell the burning rage inside.
This just shouldn’t be happening.
“I mean,” Holland shrugged. “Like running off and hurting herself on accident, punching walls, isolating herself, going days without food or sleep, hating herself, and it usually happens when she gets stressed.”
Hmm...
“I need to ask you something. I want you to tell me the truth,” I said, worried.
“Okay, I will,” she met my eyes.
“When she told you about us… The first time. What did you think?”
“I was happy for her,” Holland said. “I asked her a lot about how you met and how you got together. I asked her question-after-question and listened to how she answered me not just what she said. I honestly thought that it was probably exactly what she needed. She sounded calm and certain. I didn't know that she was still having ups and downs. It was the only thing that didn’t seem weird in her life. She didn’t tell me about Ben until after she told me about you. I was pissed. I spent a good hour reaming her out on the phone but yeah. I thought it was kind of fast but I also know that it happens that way sometimes. Her relationship with you didn’t seem like a result of mental illness if that’s what you’re asking me.”
“Well, no, I’m not asking if it was a result. I’m just asking if maybe it was something you knew just wouldn’t work.”
A horrible thing to say, or think. But Avery hadn’t been with me. And she’d kept these
things from me. If she kept this secret what else did she keep? I was so open with her about everything except Skylar. Even that though I more than hinted at. This just wasn’t fair.
All this time she’d been ready to doubt me without reason and here she was creating reasons for me to doubt her; a world of reasons for me to pluck out and choose…
“Oh, no. I never thought that. I always thought it could work. She’s head over heels. It’s nothing I’ve ever seen from her before. No one ever held her attention this way.” Holland reminded me of Avery as she spoke. They weren’t alike physically, emotionally maybe. “When she told me you were engaged I think I died from shock. I never thought I would hear her say that about anyone but she sounded so happy about it. She told me how you proposed and told me how you made her feel. She was sappy. Avery doesn’t get sappy… or didn’t before you.”
“Right,” I said sighing. “I’m sorry,” I said, realizing how out of bounds my questions were. “I didn’t mean to push you for information we’ve just had problems with this stuff. Sometimes she just keeps things hidden and I don’t know why…”
“Because she doesn’t like herself sometimes,” Holland answered. “Those things remind her of it. She has always just wanted to have a normal life. Also, if she doesn’t think it’s true she wouldn’t tell you that some therapist told her three years ago that she was bipolar. She’d be afraid that you would think the therapist was right. If she’s keeping something from you it always comes out. She’s really bad at keeping secrets from people she trusts.”
“I just think it’s harder when it’s someone new,” I tried to comfort myself. “Someone who doesn’t know what’s being hidden. When we first started out we were inseparable and now all of a sudden I’m lucky if I see her a couple of hours out of the whole day. And I’m aware through about half of that time that she isn’t really seeing me, not really.”
I couldn’t expect Holland to understand where this was coming from.
“You’re right though,” I said. “We should check on her.”
It’d been a small while. I wouldn’t have time now to talk about this. We were stuck in something, a big awful mess.