by Blythe Stone
“What did you think I would do,” I took a drink.
She must think I’m so weak. So mentally weak.
“What do you ever do baby? What do you ever do when things get too real and you can’t take them?!”
“There are things you do Avery. There are places you go when you’re upset and they’re all… They’re all bad,” she said. “I don’t want you in those places. Nothing’s fucking worth that to me.” She twitched her head to the side and generously poured. The glug sound of the bottle made my eyes burn. She took the wine and started to drink it.
“Stop.” I downed the glass of wine and set it down.
“How do you know where I really go or when or why? You can’t make that decision for me. Things have happened and I go to those places regardless. I just don’t tell you sometimes. Maybe I should. You can’t protect me from my own mind any more than I can protect you from yours. When you hold back don’t do it for me like that. It just makes me feel like you think I’m decrepit.”
“So, you just tell me? Is that what you think?” She asked, her forehead scrunched and angry, bitterness everywhere. “You just tell me where you’ve been and it’s no big deal, no big trauma on me? Nothing to bring me any worry, any fear?” She was really upset.
“What do you want me to do? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with the things in there.” I tapped my head and picked up the wine glass, going to the bottle and pouring more. This fight had been brewing for awhile.
The villa was so awkwardly quiet.
I wanted this space with her, this time. We needed this fight.
“That’s what I’m fucking saying, babe! That’s all I’m fucking saying. I know you don’t mean to do the things you do. I know you don’t mean to end up in half-frozen lakes all alone with no one on Earth knowing where the fuck you are, and no one to save you. I know you don’t intend, Avery,” she bit angrily, tears hanging in her eyes but anger softly held with in control. “But before I say anything to you I remember where we’ve fucking been! I have to! Because I love you.”
She left her glass and walked away quickly, I could hear her crying hard. She was trying to save me from that.
“This is what I’m talking about.” I followed her, taking a gulp of wine. “You’re upset and you don’t want me to see it. I know I piss you off sometimes and I want to know. I know you get upset and you hide it. I don’t want you to be alone with it. You don’t have to be. I can be there. “
“I can TAKE myself,” she bit.
“But I can't take you,” I replied. “You don’t think I can. Why? Because I’ve gotten upset and scared back?”
“When you get upset YOU GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!” She yelled terrified. I could tell she was shaking.
“SO WHAT?”
I set the glass down and sighed, unwilling to yell at her anymore. It didn’t do any good except to get the frustration out.
“Right,” she laughed, crying. “No big deal… Not at all terrifying… Nope.” She shook her head. “You’re right. My bad. I’m, I’m the stupid one. I’m the idiot.”
“Where do you think I go? You always say that when we get to this point. You don’t honestly think that do you? That I could ever think that you’re stupid?”
“You think I’m protecting you needlessly. You think that my thought process with regards to you is flawed.” Her words were so well said. She enunciated every piece like it was some noble dissertation. Her eyes shut and she tried to stand up straight and be this put together version of herself. This version that could be strong. “I know what you think,” she said, her eyes opening as she looked to me and warned.
“No you don’t. Not if you think that. I’ve always known that you’re smarter than I am. I don’t think your thought process is flawed. I just think there’s another way.”
“I’m not smarter than you,” she said angrily. “This isn’t about that. You’re very smart. This isn’t that.” She swallowed through tears. “I can keep you from being lost,” she said, choking on the words.
“I’m not lost because of you telling me things. I get confused when you don’t. If I get into those dark, scary places it’s not because of you. It’s got nothing to do with you. I’d go there sometimes because that’s what PTSD is.”
“It can be because of me, Avery. I’ve seen it happen. Do you really think my fears are unfounded?! Like I’m just making all this up?! To keep from telling you everything? I want to tell you everything. I’ve always wanted you!”
I guess she didn’t hear me…
“What the hell do you think I’m going to do if you tell me everything?!”
“I just know what you’ll do in the moment. That’s all.”
“And what’s that?” I asked.
I was getting angry. So angry but I couldn’t let that out. I had to use it differently.
“The other night I knew if I said some of the things I was thinking, you’d run baby.”
“You’re wrong,” I turned cold, shaking my head. She seriously thought I’d run from her now?
“Oh my god,” I went to her, pulling at her arms and pressing her body against mine. “I past the point I’d run from you a long time ago. You don’t know. I swear. You’d have to make me leave. If you’d told me everything I would have just let you. I wouldn’t run.”
“You always swear,” she cried, holding me. “You always say things when you’re sure, until you’re not sure anymore, Avery.”
“I’m not going to run away. You’re right. I was a flight risk before but I can’t. This is why I hate words. I can’t make you feel what I feel. Even if I go to a weird place I know it’ll be okay. I’ve only been afraid of you leaving me.”
“It hurts me when you feel ANY pain,” she said. “It hurts. And if I can stop it, I do. I don’t understand why that makes me an asshole.”
“I never said it makes you an asshole. It’s admirable but don’t you see? It makes me feel like you don’t trust me to handle anything sometimes.”
“I trust you more than I trust my fucking self,” she scoffed.
“Then let me take care of you when you get these feelings. I can do it.”
“You were unconscious Avery,” she reminded. “You were literally unconscious. What fucking choice did I have?!”
“That was one incident. I mean from now on if you can. I admit my life is a fucking chore to deal with sometimes but I’m trying to change and be better.”
“You’re always trying to be better, baby. You’re always trying to be better and I know that. It’s why I love you. It’s why I take a step back and look at the situation from all angles before I dive right into it. You’re acting like this is just one time that something like this has happened. This has happened more than one time. There are reasons why I hold things back with you. Why I parcel them out and try to give you just a little at a time. When we came back from the lodge and I was having all those thoughts about Ben I couldn’t talk to you. You were the only person I needed and I couldn’t talk to you. You don’t know… You don’t know why I am this way with you and I want you to know but it hurts me to tell you. It hurts me to know you don’t know.”
I made her look at me. “Now, I know that you wanted to tell me. I know why you didn’t and I know why you don’t. I just want you to tell me now. At least tell me more. Give me a chance, huh??”
“What?!” She asked.
“When you have things you feel like you need to keep from me in the future or now. Tell me. I need to get better at handling them and I’m ready.”
There hadn’t been any real solid, shaking episodes for awhile. The dreams were normal to me. They just happened. I could deal with that. Now, I wanted her to tell me. I wasn’t going to run or freak. I might argue with her on a few points here and there but I couldn’t go. She was essential.
“If I had told you all the things I had to think on Friday we would not be like this right now,” she said.
“How do you think we would be?”
“I
dunno,” she squeaked, unsure. “I just know it wouldn’t have gone over too well. I can say one little thing and all of a sudden you’ll doubt what I feel for you. You’ll doubt us. And I’m sure about you. I’ve always been sure. So that just seems so dangerous.”
“Do those things still bother you, the things you were thinking then?”
“No,” she said. “No. And if they did I would’ve told you already. This is what I’m saying. I pace myself with you. I stretch things out. I’m careful.”
“You don’t need to be careful. I’m not going to doubt. If I did I’d feel like I was betraying. Do you know that I get to this point? My brain just gathers all of this stuff, like evidence. Then, once there’s sufficient evidence it calms down. I can believe.”
I took in a breath full of the unshed tears I’d stowed away.
“I believe in us.” I pushed her back to see. “I know it’s probably just words to you but that’s it, the truth.” I let my shoulders sag with the effort of convincing her.
“You believing in us isn’t even the biggest thing though, sweetie…” She, gathered her body in with her arms. “The problem isn’t that you don’t believe in us. It’s that you don’t believe in you. And there’s no way for me to save you from that. I can be here and I can love you and I can try but you’re going to slip on that. And I know it’s not your fault. God knows I have similar problems I just never get physical when I’m down. I never go running or go find dangerous people or go anywhere but where I always am at home. We’re different. And the things you can do… They’re just scarier.”
I squared my shoulders. Preparing for the last question. The only one that mattered right now.
“Do you believe that I can deal with things in a healthier way? Do you believe in me?”
I needed honesty.
“Fuck,” she choked. Her hands coming up to her neck. “Of course I believe in you,” she said. “Why are you even asking me that?!”
“Because I wanted you to really consider it. I will deal with these things without running away or hurting myself. I needed you to see how determined I am. I don’t think we could have had this conversation a month ago. I know you believe but I need you to know that I believe too.”
“You think I don’t see how you have to fight every fucking day and that kills me Avery. I see it. I see all of it. That’s why I’m like this. That’s why I’m scared.”
“It’s a lot better than it was before. I’m healing. I’m not weak like I was.”
“You have never. EVER. Been weak,” she cracked. “NEVER!” She yelled, scaring me.
“Hey,” I said. “Come here.”
I tried to get her into my arms but she didn’t come so I let them fall.
“I was. In my mind. It was... Is broken but it’s just like any other part of my body. It heals if you let it. Okay? You helped me with that. My parents have helped me. Your mom. I helped me by letting us be strong together.”
I sat down on one of the metal bar stools and waited for her to calm. “It’s okay.”
“You don’t understand me,” she said, touching her tongue to her top back teeth and staring up at the space above her head, the solid wood support beams as she slowly shook her head, at a definite loss.
I’d broken her.
She turned and walked back toward the bedroom.
I went after her. “What are you saying?”
She crawled up on the bed and turned her face away. “You don’t understand why I talk to you like I do,” she said quietly.
“Obviously not,” I shook my head and crawled up after her, letting my hand rest on her hip.
“Let me tell you what I heard. You tell me what’s wrong. You don’t want me to feel pain. It hurts me but it also hurts you to see me in pain. And it’s scary when I go to those dark places and I’ve had stupid reactions in the past so you tell me what you’re feeling after the fact or in small amounts so it doesn’t affect me as much?”
“If I can control anything about how you fall apart… If I can make it even a tiny bit easier, I want to do that. Your mind, like mine, it’s dangerous. I’d been keeping these things from you for weeks, the weekend I tell you, no matter how soft I try to make that blow; you have that stupid dream…”
“Oh. That thing,” I curled my lip at the thought of it having such an effect. “I’m sorry. You have to understand that dream wasn’t an isolated thing. I understand how it looks. It’s not fun to go through for me and it scared you. Those happen and they’ll probably happen for awhile. At least they do for most people from what I’ve read. It’s okay though. That one was particularly bad timed.”
“Before, when I wanted to talk to you about how messed up I was about Ben you got lost in your head… I had to pull you out, remind you I was real. It was just like the dream…”
“I know,” I said. “That’s the past.”
“How am I supposed to feel like I’m not bringing these bad things on?”
“Oh, Vi. It would be so much worse if I didn’t have you to love. It would be so much worse if you kept everything from me. There are a million ways that those things can be brought on. I’d rather have a few episodes than not know things. I don’t think it’s going to happen as much now. The farther we get from it the better it feels.”
“It’s bad… I don’t think we’ve gotten too far.”
“You don’t think we’ve gotten far?”
I let it sink in and I fought. I closed my eyes, clenching my jaw, not talking, not thinking. Just counting heartbeats.
“It’s only been a few months,” she said. “Half that time you were semi-lost from me. Half of that time you were spinning your wheels. And what am I? This scared person just trying to see you… Trying to be what you need. We still have the trial,” she said, sniffling.
“All I want is for you to handle me like a broken bird. If you can’t then that’s fine. I’ll deal. I’ll get through the trial. I have no illusions about what it will be like.”
I said the words softly and with calm assurance. Not with the fire I felt. I wanted to prove that I wasn’t just damaged goods. She might not think that exactly but I needed to show her, show myself that I could deal with these things in a better way.
“I don’t think you see that how I handle you is how I wish you’d handle me sometimes too,” she said.
“You want me to hold back?”
“I want you to try and see what I’m feeling… Without having to ask. To catch me before I have to tell you that I’m falling. It’s not about holding back. It’s about really being there, really seeing me. Without me having to ask you to see. I get that I’m lame. I get that I’ve been making it weird...” She cried into her pillow, distraught. “I get that I can’t take anything back or explain it,” she choked.
“It’s okay,” I put my arm all the way around her and tugged her over. “I will. I will. I’ll be there.”
I’d try. I wasn’t good. I’d probably fail a few times before I got it right but I’d be there. She deserved that. She needed every inch of me.
“You always want to make premature promises,” she said.
“I will try to be and do that for you. I don’t have much practice. I’ll-”
“Do you even understand how much I hate that word?!” She spat.
“I don’t know how else to say it. You want me to do it but you don’t want me to promise. I tell you I’ll do my best to not be an asshole and have my head stuck in fifteen other places and I will. That’s it. I’m saying I hear you and I love you and I’m sorry you fell and I didn’t see. I hate that. We have to start somewhere. I’m choosing to start here.”
“You act like everything is just something we can redo. I can’t be that way. I can’t forget anything. I wasn’t ready for you to need to try to see me. I never thought that’d be us but it was us, and so soon. God, I need to stop talking,” she said. “If I was just a tiny bit less pathetic we wouldn’t even have to talk like this.”
“You’re not pathetic.” I
shook her arm a little. “Neither of us can forget but we can and we will move past things that scare us.”
“I just wish you knew what it all felt like,” she said. “My telling you doesn’t make you see. You don’t imagine what it was like for me or how busy my mind always was or what it felt like to think that all of a sudden maybe I wasn’t so important to you, and then having to carry that thought and feel it on occasion from this day to that, with these people and those, in this space and even at home.”
“I wish I could feel it.”
“What would you do? If I made you feel that way? I mean, I knew you did it on accident, I always knew… Would you know?”
“What would I do?” I knew. I’d known since the moment she told me that she’d felt like this.
“I would have asked but I can’t keep my mouth shut about things like that. Of course, I would never think you did it on purpose. You’ve never once showed any sign of being callous or unfeeling towards me.”
I shook with the implication.
“I shouldn’t have said any of this tonight,” she said.
“Why? Tonight is as good as any, right?”
“None of this information is going to make either of us feel more healthy, Avery. I feel like you want to get past things and move on and I’m just this stupid realist who knows that things take a lot of time so we’re always fighting each other on important things like this and we probably always will.”
“In some ways I feel like maybe you want to ignore a few things. That’s probably why I let you lose me,” she went on. “When things are too serious they’re not fun. And I’m always serious so what does that say about time spent with me?”
“Olivia. I don’t even know how to come at that. You feel like I lost you. I never lost you. Not really. Time spent with you is the best time. I’d rather fight with you than have frivolous fun. It doesn’t seem that way because of before. That’s my fault. I don’t want to ignore things. That’s why I want you to tell me things. I just don’t want the issues that I have to make you walk on eggshells around me. You deserve to be able to just be.”