by Blythe Stone
“The past few months… The times when you were most present with me were mostly times when we were physical.” She was telling me everything. All the things she’d been keeping in. “Do you have any idea how that made me feel?”
“Used?”
“Sad,” she said. “Just sad.”
“I’m sorry.”
I’d really made her feel alone. That was the worst. I always connected with her physically. It was when my mind went away that we had issues. I had to keep it here.
“That’s terrible and I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything, baby.” I pulled her around to face me and I looked into her eyes. The sadness and all the tears she’d cried. The way my absence had made her feel made me sad too. “I’m glad you told me but I’m so sorry you felt that way. That I made you feel like that. I know I can’t take it back.” I kissed her forehead and then her nose and then her lips and I felt her hands come to my face. “I love you.”
Words and touching were too much for her right now. She was in one of those weak states she got in where even the smallest thing could break her.
I just held her, letting her look at me and looking back. I would do it all night and all day if it helped. I sighed and took my hands away, letting them sit on her hips.
She turned from me and pulled me in to hold her.
“You don’t have to sleep,” she said. “I just don’t feel too great right now.”
“I’m staying right here.” I moved my face to her shoulder and sighed deeply, trying to heal her with only the power of my feelings.
“I love you,” she said, so quietly it almost wasn’t real.
“I love you too.”
She was calming. Maybe still feeling bad. I knew I’d have an emotional hangover for a while. It was a lot to process. I’d lost sight of her for a while and now I needed to see her always. I wasn’t an idiot. Things like this were always going to happen. No relationship was free of trouble. I just knew we could be strong enough to get through.
The trial. I wasn’t ready and I knew it would be hard, harder than anything before. I’d have to face him and all the people. It would be public. I needed tools and strength. I needed armor. Just not the kind that would keep people out while protecting me. The only one I was really worried about was Oliva anyway. She would be with me the whole way. She and I were bound, fated, one unit. That wouldn’t change because the man that tortured me would be on trial.
Chapter Thirteen
Olivia
The night sort of stole me from her. I wasn’t sure why or how but she’d gotten me to let it all out, all the things I’d been keeping inside.
When I woke I didn’t feel much better. My body was still sore from days ago. My head hurt from dehydration, it pounded and pounded.
I shifted and felt her arm around my stomach. She hadn’t moved.
It was that stupid book. That stupid book started it all. I was trying to distract from that book and instead we ended up talking about all the things I’d been keeping inside.
And she didn’t understand, she never could.
I could tell her how she gets but she couldn’t know what that feels like to me.
And then I think of all the times when I wasn’t there, all the things she had to fight all on her own.
What would that be like? Waking up from one of those dreams with no one to latch onto?
Scared… Just scared.
I slipped out from her arm and walked quietly out of the room to take a shower.
I just needed to clear my head.
I walked out by the living room and rounded the corner. The sun was already shining, full bright.
I tugged my shirt off and walked to the outdoor stone shower. I just wanted to crawl out of my skin and not hurt anymore. Sometimes I got like that.
The water started warm and I had to fight it to make it cold. I breathed through the change and let the relief wash me over.
Three minutes later I was done standing.
I just wanted to be wet, instead of dry and hating myself.
I walked to the pool and dove in, swimming as hard as I knew how.
I wanted to be Avery for a day. I wanted to just switch, just know, really know, all the things she felt, how it was to be her, what it all meant, what I really meant to her.
That’d be impossible though. Three laps in, I completely gave up. All my strength drained. I took all I had to pull my body up out of the pool and walk over to the couch that was just resting there in the sun.
I laid down and shut my eyes. I was panting like a weirdo but I felt the sun touching me, the heat quickly drying all the wet spots I usually hid.
A quick dream enveloped me… Avery laughing, my happy girl. A perfect dream. I was smiling when I woke. But then I felt the heat on my skin and I knew I’d sustained a light burn.
“Shit,” I huffed.
I walked to the pool and slowly dropped in.
I didn’t really want to be cold now but I wanted to quell the potential burn that would surely come.
When I got out I rinsed off again, threw my shirt back on and walked in to find Avery.
“Hey,” she said, concentrating on the plates she was carrying. She brought them to the table, balancing them on one arm while carrying salt, pepper, and some hot sauce in the other. “I found pancake mix, eggs, and turkey bacon.”
She set the spices and hot sauce down and went back to the kitchen for a second. When she came back she had a bowl full of grated cheese in the crook of her arm and two glasses of juice.
“There’s coffee going in the kitchen if you want. I didn’t know so I just made some anyway.”
She really didn’t know me by now if she could even think I wouldn’t be up for coffee. Coffee to me is just like wine; essential.
She set the juice down and the bowl and then came to me, a pouty little smile on her face. I loved when she was careful with me. Just as I loved when she wasn’t. I needed for there to be moments like these.
“You feel any better at all?” She asked sweetly.
Kind loving fingertips breezed up and down my arms as she leaned and carefully kissed my lips.
I kissed her softly, trying hard not to get lost. I felt a little better but not much. I’d screwed things up again. I didn’t deserve all her trying. And of course, because I opened my damn mouth, I couldn’t accept any of this as something normal that would just happen if I hadn’t said a word.
“I love you,” I said, resting my body into hers.
That was what I could say. What I could do.
I felt her arms hold behind my back, she gently squeezed, pulling my body into hers.
“I love you too.” She put her lips close to my ear. “Always. Do you need water?”
It was mundane but she probably knew I had to be feeling horrible with all the wine I drank and all the crying.
I shook my head, yes, pulling away so she’d see.
“Okay, I’ll be right back. Sit down. If you’re not hungry that’s fine. I just wanted to make you something in case.”
She came back a moment later with a glass of water and set it down.
“Thanks,” I said, picking it up and drinking it slowly but surely. It was step one to fixing what I’d wrecked. “You want?” I asked, stopping halfway through to gasp for air and offer her the rest.
She mouthed the word no and watched me drink the rest down.
“Sorry,” I said, once I’d finished it. I felt dumb for still wearing the same stupid shirt. She’d made this nice meal and I was wet and exhausted and dehydrated and a mess.
“Don’t be sorry.” She took a drink of juice and put cheese on her eggs. “I did this so you could eat and maybe feel better. You don’t have to be anything.” She grabbed the hot sauce and unscrewed the lid, sprinkling it over her eggs.
“I love you,” I said, picking up a fork and stealing a bite of her special eggs. “But you can’t fix me, baby
.” I shoved the eggs in my mouth and tasted how delicious they were. “Mmm,” I said, without meaning to, my eyes closing to the pleasure of the taste. She’d done well.
She took my plate and made my eggs the same way, stopping to give me a smile. “I don’t want to fix you. I just want to keep you going.” She chuckled and moved her chair closer. “Neither one of us will probably ever be fixed but maybe that’s not so bad.”
“Ick,” I teased. “It’s too early, stop.” I couldn’t take supportive Avery right now, not after last night. I continued eating. Everything she made was perfect. I had to hate her a little bit. She was being too nice.
The meat was my favorite. Turkey bacon was usually just okay but Avery charred the shit out of it and that really saved it.
“So,” I said, trying to not talk about all the crap I’d brought up. “What do you want to do today?”
She was the one who wanted to go on a trip. Deep down I probably just knew I’d ruin any outing we’d try to have. I was so predictable it actually made me physically ill. I dropped the remainder of my bacon and felt my appetite immediately die.
Sometimes I felt just as a ridiculous as one of those highly exaggerated cartoon characters. My head was a weird little place.
“You said you’d like to go to that local vineyard. I thought we could do that.”
“Oh my god,” I laughed. “THE local vineyard?!” I teased. “You do realize this is actually wine country, right?” There were vineyards everywhere. “As in: a country of wine?!”
“Haha,” she said back. “You’re the wine person. I bow to your superior knowledge.”
“Eh,” I sighed, feeling like an ass. “We should do the art thing.” I had too much wine last night. I was a fucking idiot.
“Okay, that’s good too.” She got up, kissing my head as she passed.
“Okay, why do you even like me?!” I asked, feeling suspicious and ornery.
“Because you’re kind of cute, smart, and very entertaining.”
She breezed by me and into the kitchen coming back a few minutes later with a cup of coffee.
Kind of cute?!
What kind of bullshit...
“Did you want one or are you sticking with water?”
“I want yours,” I said, moving over intrusively and taking it to drink.
She just laughed, shaking her head and sitting down to eat more. After I stopped drinking it, she stole the cup and took a sip, handing it back to me. “We should probably get some groceries while we’re out. We need veggies and more eggs.”
“Yeah, I kind of didn’t think you’d want to cook this much,” I teased. “Not that this hasn’t been great,” I slid back. I had plans of candle lit dinners and breakfasts all over the valley.
Avery loved clichés and Holland had definitely encouraged me to give Avery all of that.
Yet, here we were. I was not fun company. I’d ruined the night. I was already being a bitch at breakfast. Poor Avery just wanted some fresh food.
“Eh, we need snacks at least.” She nudged me and stole another drink of the coffee. “I need a shower,” she announced, standing up.
“Oookay,” I said. I didn’t really want her to leave me alone. Also, the showers I’d taken did not involve important things like shampoo and conditioner and soap. “Fine,” I said, standing too and putting the mug down.
She moved to leave and I followed close behind.
“You need shower number two?” She held her hand back for me and waited until I grabbed it. “I didn’t want to go without you but I didn’t want you to have to get all wet again either.”
Unlike someone, chlorine was not my chosen fragrance. Though I did enjoy the scent now more than she could ever know. I just enjoyed it on her and not on me.
I let her lead us upstairs to the master shower. “Well, I’m an idiot. I’ve taken two showers today and neither of them involved any soap. And then I fell asleep naked on that stupid couch outside, had a small adorable dream about you, and definitely got a sunburn.”
Honesty was the way to go these days.
We got to the landing and she seemed confused so I pushed her in the right direction and soon we were in the right place.
She let go of me and turned the shower on. I waited, feeling strange. The bathroom was really big and open. Just like everything in the construction of this house, there were gallons of natural light. It was crafted so well we could probably go our whole time here without needing to turn on an actual lamp.
The bathroom had skylights. I had a bit of a flashback to the one time I was here alone all day. I may have done some inappropriate things in this room… I wasn’t about to tell Avery about that.
She turned around and reached out, taking the hem of my shirt and pulling it up, waiting for me to lift my arms so she could take it off. “We’ll have to find some aloe or lotion for the burn.” She took her shirt off and her underwear, putting them on top of my shirt.
When she was sure that the temperature was warm enough she stepped in and pulled me along, putting me under the stream of water and getting the body wash from up off the floor in the corner. The shower was so large and the showerhead came directly over us, much bigger than any normal showerhead. It looked like a piece from a spaceship. I loved that about it.
I liked thinking that we could be together on some craft, like the Enterprise, living some strange future life, still together, still bound.
Avery cleaned me, gently rubbing soap all over and letting it rinse off. Then she turned me around, getting the shampoo and working it through my hair. I loved the way she moved around me. I noticed how with me she was a lot gentler most of the time than she was with anyone else at any other time, and that includes herself. She helped me rinse and then did it all over again with the conditioner, babying me.
“Okay,” I laughed. “You’re being extremely proficient this morning.”
It was like she had made lists or something and she was checking things off one after the other.
Breakfast. Check.
Coffee. Check.
Ask if she’s okay. Check.
Bathe her. Check.
The funniest thing about it? All I really needed her to do this morning was to wake me up after I’d fallen asleep outside.
I laughed to myself at that thought.
“How am I supposed to repay you?” I asked, turning around and stopping her hands slowly, my smiling face getting a little serious as I stared.
She pushed herself into me and hugged me. “You can’t repay me. There’s no debt.”
“Yeah, okay,” I laughed, moving the fingers from my left hand onto her hip and pushing her back into the wall. “That’s bullshit,” I said, leaning back to see her just a second before I pushed my body into hers generously and began to kiss her neck and really taste her.
She let out a little moan, pulling me closer but a few seconds later I felt her hands tighten. “Hey,” she moved her chin down. “Baby, hey.” She pulled my face up to look at her. “You know that’s not why… I am so into you with the neck kissing.” She kissed me, lingering. “Our physical stuff is amazing, crazy awesome, mind exploding, but I don’t just want that from you. I wanted you to know that before we went there again.”
“Babe,” I said, seriously as I searched her. “Do you really think I’d stay with you this long if I thought you only thought of me as some hot piece of ass?”
I moved my hand generously up her side, sliding my leg between hers and pushing up on her, dragging my thigh between her center.
“You made me feel a certain way, but I never, not ever, thought that,” I said, moving my hand up to her breast and squeezing it. “I just knew, this got you to pay attention,” I said, kissing her and wanting her again.
I was done with the bet. So fucking done.
I wasn’t allowed to win the bet anyway. I didn’t even want what I was supposed to win.
She was locked into feeling me. She put her hand on mine and squeezed so that we were both teasi
ng her breast. “You’re right. I know you’d never stay if I thought that and I’m sorry. I don’t always have to have sex but you make it hard not to always want you that way.”
She gasped and took her hand away from mine, putting it on my hip and pulling me closer, riding my leg between hers.
I leaned in, trapping her, wanting her to do it. I let my forehead fall onto her right shoulder. “I want to lose,” I said, my hand landing between her breasts and pushing slowly down her body. It was a warning.
She could stop me.
It was up to her.
“Is that okay with you?” I asked, my hand sinking lower. “Can I touch you?” I asked, water pounding down behind us. I wasn’t sure where she was at. I just knew I didn’t care anymore and I didn’t want to think about it. I shouldn’t have even told her all that explosive crap last night.
“The bet is off. It’s silly. Just touch me. Please.”
She sighed out every word and put her hand on mine, pushing it down. “Please.”
“Thank you,” I said, allowing my fingers to sink into her folds and touch her. “Thank you,” I breathed again, falling even more into her as I felt how silky and smooth she was down there, how ready for me.
Her head came to rest on my shoulder as I explored her and she made the most exquisite sounds that became louder with every stroke.
“Please,” she whispered one more time.
“What do you need?” I asked. I’d do whatever she said.
I let myself slip down her, taking small nibbles as I pulled my hand away from her center and stroked her sides on my way down.
I pushed my thumbs into her hipbones, warning her and spreading her out.
The very next second though I was tasting her.
I’d been wanting to do it ever since the moment before the bet.
I slipped my tongue inside and licked her, my hand coming down, fingers sliding inside of her.
She didn’t have to say, I knew what she’d been asking.
She fell back a little, the sensation of me was a lot and this had been building for longer than we’d ever gone before, well that she’d ever been conscious of anyway, we’d definitely gone longer.