Stronger than You Know

by Jolene Perry

  “This is a really good normal for me,” I say.

  Justin kisses my shoulder. “Good. You’re not going to eat your pudding are you?”

  I narrow my eyes. “Maybe just a bite.”

  “Cool.” He tears open the top, dips his finger in the goo, and I laugh a little.

  “Hey, Joy.” Trent taps my shoulder.

  I spin around and see him and Tyler standing together.

  I clutch Justin’s hand.

  But both Trent and Tyler seem relaxed, so I’m definitely curious as to why they stopped.

  “So this Friday me and Tyler and a few of the guys thought it would be fun to do a movie night.”

  “Oh.”

  “You two wanna join in?” Tyler asks.

  Justin’s smile is adorable because I can tell he knows exactly what’s going on here, and that Trent and Tyler must have had some kind of talk about me or something. It’s Trent’s way of showing me that Tyler won’t bother me anymore.

  “We’re good,” I say.

  “But thanks,” Justin adds. “Catch ya later.”

  The guys leave and Justin leans over to me. “What did you do?”

  “Told Trent he was being a jerk.”

  Justin kisses my shoulder again. “That would only work coming from you.”

  Maybe. But really Trent is just a better guy than I thought he was. That’s all.

  THIRTY-THREE

  The injustice of justice

  The misty rain dampens my hair and face as Justin and I walk home from school together.

  “You’ll be soaked,” he warns.

  “I won’t care.” I smile.

  “Hopefully I’ll have my car running tomorrow.”

  “I still won’t mind the wet.”

  He chuckles. “And your shoes. I’m sort of nervous to draw all over them, you know?””

  Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Don’t be.”

  My driveway comes up way too fast today, but I know he has plans with his dad to work on his car. I step in closer to Justin and breathe in. I wonder if it would be weird to ask him if we could trade shirts. The one of his I have smells like my lavender laundry detergent instead of Justin.

  “Tomorrow,” he says.

  “Tomorrow.” I step back and push my damp hair off my face as I walk through the front door.

  The house is so quiet. I wander to the kitchen in search of Aunt Nicole. This place used to feel so big and scary to me, and I can barely imagine that now. I pull open the fridge, and it’s filled with food. Aunt Nicole must have gone shopping. I grab a cup of yogurt and take it to the dining room because I like the view of the street.

  I stop at the dining room doorway. The air is thick. Aunt Nicole is dabbing her eyes. Uncle Rob has his arm over her shoulders, which wouldn’t be strange except he’s supposed to be at work.

  My heart drops. “Please just tell me whatever is going on now.”

  Aunt Nicole’s voice shakes. “It’s fine, Joy. I mean we were kind of expecting this and …”

  My body’s weak. Shaking. But not out of fear, out of dread for whatever they’re going to say. I need to sit and take the chair closest to me.

  “Your mom wants a trial. We got the subpoena today. The DA from Bakersfield will be calling you and going over your testimony before we leave,” Uncle Rob says.

  “Go … down?” My legs are weak. Not home. Not there. I can’t face her. I’m not ready. I won’t ever be ready. Not for this.

  “They need you to testify.” Uncle Rob sighs.

  “But I don’t want to. I don’t care if nothing happens to her as long as I never have to see her again.” The crimes were against me. I should be able to decide what happens.

  Uncle Rob and Aunt Nicole exchange glances. Aunt Nicole scoots into the chair next to me, resting her hands over mine. “That’s not how it works, Joy. The state of California is prosecuting your mother. You’re not only the victim, but the witness. Richard, the last man who …”

  But his name blocks out the rest of what she says. I’m shaking everywhere. My body won’t be able to stay upright in the chair any longer. It requires too much concentration, too much effort. My stomach seizes up. I can’t face him again. Ever. Not him, not my mom. I knew this new life was too good to be true. All the horror from my home before is going to be thrown back at me.

  “Joy? Did you hear me?” Aunt Nicole asks.

  I shake my head. My lips are numb. I can’t feel my face.

  Her hand wipes my cheek. Am I crying?

  “I’ll be right back.” Uncle Rob stands up and leaves the room.

  “I don’t have to see her, right? Or him? Or …” My hands clutch my stomach as if that will make it all better.

  She lets out a breath. “He pled out, remember? But he’ll be a witness at your mom’s trial. We’ve already spoken with the DA. He’ll be in custody, so you won’t see him. You won’t pass him in the hallways. Nothing.”

  But he’ll be there. I’ll feel him. “My mom?” My voice comes out in a squeak.

  “I’m sorry, Joy. We’re trying to get you to be able to testify from another room, but it might not work.”

  “I’ll have to be in the room with her? In the courtroom with her?” I’m angry. Beyond angry. “I’ve already had to live it once!” I’m yelling but my voice is screechy and hoarse. “And now I have to remember it all again? In front of strangers? In front of her?” In front of you. And then you’ll know everything, and how will you feel about me?

  My body breaks down into sobs I can’t control. Uncle Rob hands me a small white pill and a glass of water, and kneels on the floor next to me.

  How am I supposed to swallow that thing when I can’t breathe? I gasp for air a few times. My eyes squeeze tight. All of my senses are being bombarded at once. My ears are loud with the noise of my gasping and the blood thundering through my body. I swear every cell is in protest. Angry. Desperate. Afraid.

  “This is ridiculous. I can’t believe they’re making her do this.” Uncle Rob’s voice sounds broken, hopeless.

  I grab the pill from the table and stuff it in my mouth. Right now I’d take anything for some relief.

  “Let’s get you to the doctor.” Uncle Rob starts to stand.

  I shake my head frantically.

  “Can I get you to your room?”

  I shake my head again. I feel too terrible for that room. As if just by being in there, I’ll taint my happy place.

  “Why don’t we do something absurdly normal?” His hand rests on my shoulder. “Let’s watch a movie while we wait for that pill to catch up to you, okay? I can go out to get something to eat, and we’ll have a big movie marathon night. Can we do that?”

  “Don’t go anywhere, okay?” My voice sounds better, less screechy. I’m completely powerless, but I have Uncle Rob and Aunt Nicole. My eyes find his.

  “There you are.” Uncle Rob attempts a smile, still looking a bit wide-eyed and desperate.

  “Here I am.” But how long will I stay? I know I’m stronger than I was when I first got here, but I’m not strong enough to do this.

  When I wake up in the morning, I’m still on the couch. I’m in my clothes from the night before with my comforter draped over me. Uncle Rob is asleep in the lazy boy. He stayed down here with me. All night.

  The weight of what I’m facing still makes breathing hard, no matter how many people I have to stand with me.

  The way I feel torn apart is supposed to be getting easier.

  None of my lists matter anymore. The things I’m working on. The things I can do. The things I still have a hard time with. Even my list of reasons I’m not crazy seems like a pathetic attempt for me to feel less of the weight that I do. It has nothing to do with my mental state anymore. It has to do with horrible things that happened to me that shouldn’t have happe
ned. Things that I’m going to have to testify and talk about in a room full of people. This is all that matters right now. And there’s no way out.

  THIRTY-FOUR

  I do not want to do this

  I don’t know how to face my mother

  It feels like I’ll be crushed into bits if I have to be in the same room as her

  Richard will be so close

  My old house

  My old life

  All coming back

  I knew it. I knew I didn’t belong here. They will see where I belong, and will they want me back after that?

  I wrap my arms around Daisy as soon as I walk in the door to do my last night of kung fu before leaving. And then we end up trying to squeeze each other until I yell give.

  “What’s up with you?” She chuckles as she pulls away.

  “Have to leave next week. My mom’s on trial for stuff she did to me, and I have to go and testify.” I shrug. That’s a great way to show I’m totally okay with going, even though I’m not.

  “Sucks.” Daisy makes a face. “You know what will make you feel better?”

  “Kickin’ some ass?” I laugh.

  “You got it.” She takes my hands in hers and shakes my arms until it shakes my shoulders and my body.

  I’m laughing.

  “Better?” She giggles.

  “I guess.” I can’t be as heavy as my body wants to be when she’s around.

  “Perfect.” She loops her arm through mine and we head to the front and center. If we’re going to be working extra hard today, we might as well be recognized for it.

  The DA emailed PDFs of my statements to look over before we go down. It’s like reading someone else’s life, someone else’s story. Only I have pictures and memories and feelings associated with the details laid out on those pages.

  It’s horror really. Something fit for TV drama, not for a real person’s life. I’m still in shock over the things that happened to me. The things I didn’t know weren’t normal.

  And now that I know what normal can be, I’m amazed I survived.

  I slide the papers with my statements into the folder Aunt Nicole gave me as the family moves into the dining room.

  I’m not sure what’s going on, but suddenly we’re all sitting at the table.

  “My sister, your Aunt Diana, will come in a few days,” Uncle Rob says as he clasps his hands.

  Nicole pats my hand, which still rests on the top of the folder, and I give her a smile.

  “Why can’t we go with you?” Tara asks.

  Aunt Nicole lets out a sigh. “Because we don’t know how long we’ll be gone. Joy’s talked with all her teachers and has homework lined up and …”

  “But we could do that too,” Trent says.

  “Sorry, guys.” Aunt Nicole shakes her head.

  “Mom.” Tara’s voice gets my attention. It’s so serious. “You and Dad are the ones who said we’re all going to be a family with Joy. We want to do this with her.”

  “I agree.” Trent leans back in his chair and winks at me.

  Uncle Rob and Aunt Nicole exchange glances across the table.

  I start to smile, first at Tara, then at Trent.

  “This better not be a ploy to skip out of school. And if we need to be in California for more than a week, you two come home. Understand?” Uncle Rob says.

  Tara smiles wide. Trent nods in satisfaction. And I sit sort of stunned that they all want to be a part of this.

  Running up the hallway of my old house. My legs don’t work. Part of me recognizes this might be a dream. I push and pull on my lids, but they won’t cooperate. Mom screams my name. Loud. I push harder with my legs, but this hallway is too long when I’m dreaming. I can see the front door now. It’s so close. Almost there, almost there. I’m reaching for it, but Mom’s hand grabs my arm sending me flying to the floor.

  Failure.

  THIRTY-FIVE

  Know you have that

  Justin and I sit shoulder to shoulder against the wall in the den. I’m wearing the shoes he drew on for me. They’re an odd mix of small patterns and abstract shapes, all tiny and detailed. I’m so glad I had him do my shoes instead of me. My leg rests against his and our fingers are laced. If Justin and I are together, our hands are together. This closeness is what I can do. My leg resting against his is new since yesterday, and I love that sitting with him doesn’t feel like I’m trying so hard anymore.

  “How long will you be gone?”

  “I’m not sure. The DA said she’ll try to get me in and out of there as fast as she can, but she has no control over the defense and what they want to do or ask or whatever.” I suck in a breath. Just thinking about being forced to testify sends a chill through me.

  “I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. You’re tougher than you think you are. I know that much.”

  I lean my head lean on his shoulder. This is new for me. For us. Like each time we’re together, I can do one more thing. Not that he’s keeping track. Or if he is, I haven’t noticed. But as I soak up his warmth, I can’t believe I’ve never rested my head on him before.

  Justin feels like … comfort. His fingers never stop moving—he slides them over my hands, through my fingers, and up my arm. Every touch from him sends tingles through my body—the kind I’m learning to love.

  “I’m scared about seeing her, being in the same room as her. I’m afraid to talk about things I haven’t had to think about for a long time.”

  When I tell Justin things I don’t tell people, I feel like I’m giving some of myself to him. The easiness I’m starting to feel around him makes talking easier than I would have thought possible. And I can tell he loves it because of how he looks at me or touches me when I admit something—any of the million things that make me feel crazy.

  He puts my hands together, almost like he wants me to pray. Palm to palm, fingers outstretched. He rests his hands over mine in the same position.

  “This is Joy. Inside here. No one can touch her. She has protection, see?” His hands press into mine, keeping them flat together.

  I’m confused. “But you won’t be there.”

  “My hands aren’t me.” He chuckles. “Not really. This just shows how strong you are. You have this shell around you when you need it. That armor made me afraid to talk to you when you first came to school. It made you jump off the dock at Daisy’s house, and it makes you one of the tough girls in your martial arts class. The real Joy’s still in here, and I love to see her—like right now—but you have all this protection and you don’t even know it. So, I guess, just know it. Know you have that.”

  I stare at our hands together. His covering mine. I have strength. I have protection. I can do this. When our eyes meet again I feel it in my stomach and try to scoot closer, but I’m already there. Close.

  “I need to get home.” He sighs.

  “Then I’ll walk you out.” I stand quickly and wait for him as he stands. It’s easier now to keep my eyes on his, and we smile wide before we walk onto the porch together.

  My breath comes out in puffs of soft clouds in the cold air.

  “I’ll miss you.” Justin’s finger brushes my cheek.

  My heart’s thundering in my ribs. “Me too.”

  I lean toward him and his lips touch my forehead. Now both his hands are in my hair, and every touch, every movement from him sends familiar tingles across my skin, but now they’re shooting around like electricity. His breathing and my breathing is the only thing I hear. My hands rest on either side of his neck, our faces are still touching. No way my heart can continue to stay in my chest the way it’s beating right now. I’ve never wanted to be with someone the way I want to be with him.

  His nose touches my cheek. “I’m falling for you, Joy.”

  There’s no stopping my smile. “I know
how it feels,” I whisper. I tilt my face just slightly, just until our lips brush together. No more tingles, a wave of something completely new washes through me. I love the rush, but it scares me all at the same time. The wave of feeling urges me to be closer, pressed against him. But I can’t. Not yet. “See you soon.”

  “Soon.”

  Despite the protests from my body, I step back. Justin’s eyes hit mine one last time before he walks out of the light of the porch and into the darkness. I hope I’m not gone long.

  THIRTY-SIX

  Transfer

  We take Uncle Rob’s SUV because it has three rows of seats. Whoever’s in the way back seat gets to lie down. Right now it’s me.

  Uncle Rob got me three sketchbooks and so many art pencils that I’m not sure what to do with them all. I thought all the new stuff would make me feel pressured to draw, but it doesn’t. It makes me crave it. I’ve sketched Daisy in kung fu, the shadows of the people around the fire the night I jumped into the lake, anything that pops into my head.

  I’ve drawn my hand mixed with Justin’s hand. I’ve drawn Lydia with her smirk, the one she uses when she’s trying to make me feel better about not taking my crap. I’ve drawn Tara a bunch of times. I love her cheeks and smooth figure. Trent’s been harder, but I’ve drawn him a few times too. One with him and Caitlynn that he posted on his wall. Caitlynn thinks it’s super sweet. He’s so different around her. I don’t know what changed for Trent earlier this year, and I don’t know what changed for him later, but I feel better being around him now. He’s more like his dad.

  I started drawing house plans, just to try it out. Uncle Rob gave me a list of all the standard stuff like hallway and doorway widths, closet depths, and specs for bathroom spaces. I’ve drawn three small homes and I love each of them.

  These pictures are all my new life. The life I can’t imagine not having anymore. The life I want to keep forever. I need to focus on this part of my life to keep me from thinking about all the things that are completely out of my control.

  “So our hotel rooms connect.” Aunt Nicole pulls open the door between the two rooms. “We can work this however we want. Kids in one room, us in the other room. We can all sleep in the same space. If Joy needs time”—her eyes wander to mine—“you can have a room, but you can’t be alone. Not now. Not for something like this.”