This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  “I want you to be happy. That’s what I want.”

  He seemed encouraged. “Can we go over to her place, then, and see if she’s okay?”

  Riley had wanted to do that all evening; he just didn’t know what kind of reception he’d get. Lizzie didn’t like him any more than his mother liked Phoenix. No doubt she considered him Whiskey Creek’s chief devil. Even Phoenix acted as if she preferred he stayed away. And she’d definitely mentioned that she didn’t want Jacob to see her trailer in its current condition.

  “I’m not sure she really wants us out there,” he said.

  “Why not?” Jacob asked.

  “You know what her mother’s like. The place is a mess. That’s embarrassing to Phoenix.”

  “But we don’t care about the mess. I’d like to apologize. I don’t want her to think I set her up for what happened.”

  “She knows you’d never do that.”

  Still, what could it hurt to go over there? Maybe Phoenix would feel self-conscious about a few things, but she had to be used to that. And Riley thought Jacob would see what he saw—someone in a hell of a battle doing everything she could to keep fighting.

  “Fine,” he said. “Get showered and we’ll go.”

  * * *

  The lights were on in Phoenix’s trailer, but she didn’t answer their knock.

  So Riley yelled through one of the open windows. “Phoenix, it’s Riley and Jake! Hello? You around?”

  There was no response and no rustle of movement. But the bike he’d had Noah fix was leaning against the trailer, so he knew she’d made it home.

  “Maybe she’s at her mother’s,” Jake suggested, and turned to look at the other trailer.

  Riley didn’t want to knock there. It wasn’t easy for Lizzie to come to the door. And he had no idea what she might say in front of Jacob. That earlier stuff about Phoenix spreading her legs for him wasn’t an image he wanted introduced to Jacob’s mind.

  “I’ve got paper in the car. Maybe we should leave a note with our apology,” Riley said.

  Jacob agreed, but before Riley could finish writing, Phoenix came out from somewhere at the back of the property.

  “Riley? Jake?” she called out when she saw them standing beside the truck. “What are you two doing?”

  Jacob crumpled the note and tossed it on the floorboard before closing the door. “Nothing. We just...we wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  She walked toward them, carrying her sandals in one hand. “I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.” She grinned at Jake but Riley could tell that grin wasn’t as nonchalant as she wanted them to believe. “You looked so professional in your uniform today. It’s hard to believe I have a son who’s so big and strong.”

  Riley noticed how quickly she tried to change the subject. She’d been smart to offer a compliment. But Jake wasn’t buying it. He was too focused on what he’d come to say.

  “My grandma shouldn’t have started anything. I’m really sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I understand that you can’t control the people around you. I would’ve stayed, except I was too afraid it would be distracting for you. We should’ve thought of that beforehand.”

  “No, I want you to come,” Jake insisted.

  “And I will. If your grandparents don’t attend the away games, maybe it’d be smarter for me to go to those. We could’ve been a little more strategic, that’s all. There’s no need to upset anyone.”

  “But how will you get to those games without a car?” he asked. “They’re all pretty far.”

  “I should have some money coming in over the next week. I can always take a taxi.”

  Riley guessed she’d received some bracelet orders and was talking about the money from their sale. But, surely, there were better ways to spend that money.

  Still, he was impressed at how hard she tried to relieve Jake’s concern.

  “You didn’t miss anything,” Jake grumbled. “I had the worst game of my life, and because of me, we lost.”

  “You’ll win the next one,” she said with real conviction.

  Riley saw that her feet and legs were wet. “Don’t tell me you were in the creek.”

  “For a few minutes,” she said. “I like to wade out there. It cools me off and it’s quiet, especially at night. It’s also away from all the junk my mother’s piled everywhere else, so it has a much nicer view.”

  “I’m glad you locked your door even though you weren’t going far,” Riley said. “It might be a pain, but it’s better to be safe.”

  “I do what I can. But if Buddy wants to get in, I don’t think locking my front door will stop him. It’s too hot to keep the windows closed. I’d suffocate if I tried.” She switched her sandals to her other hand. “Buddy and I are going to have to work out our differences at some point.”

  Riley shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “You haven’t heard from him?”

  “No.”

  Maybe Chief Bennett did have a talk with him, and it had been more effective than Riley had expected. He hoped so. “Good.”

  “I’d invite you both in, but...it’s a school night and Jacob probably needs to get to bed.”

  “I have homework,” Jake admitted.

  “Go get it done, and I’ll have you over for dinner sometime soon. What’s your favorite meal?”

  “Spaghetti and meatballs.”

  “I should be able to manage that. If I practice,” she added with a rueful laugh. “I didn’t learn too much about cooking before I went...away.”

  Riley wasn’t sure whether that invitation included him, but he wasn’t about to ask. “Be careful to pull the door all the way shut. It doesn’t always latch.”

  “I will, but the screen on the big window is right there...”

  “So? It might give you a few seconds to prepare or escape, if...if something happens.”

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  “Night, Mom.” Jacob gave her a brief hug before getting in the truck.

  She seemed so overwhelmed by that gesture she didn’t say anything, didn’t even respond when Riley said goodbye. He started around to the driver’s side, but she caught him before he could open his door and lowered her voice. “I’d leave, you know, if I could. I understand that my being in town is hard on you guys.”

  He glanced at Jake, who was inside putting on his seat belt, to make sure he wasn’t paying attention. “We’re not asking you to go.”

  “I’m just saying that would make it easier on both of you, if I could. Move to Sacramento or somewhere not too far away. Jake could come visit me once in a while, and you wouldn’t have to see me at all. Then the Mansfields, your family, everyone would be happy. But...it’s my mom. She won’t move, no matter how nicely I ask her.”

  You wouldn’t have to see me at all. As if he hated her that much. “She probably can’t afford it,” he said.

  “She can’t. But once I get on my feet, I’m hoping that’ll change, at least to some extent. It’s mostly fear that holds her back. Fear of the unknown, fear of leaving her trailer, fear of people. It runs her life.”

  “That’s tragic.”

  “She may not be much of a mother, but I can’t go off and live my life and just...leave her here when she’s not even taking proper care of herself.”

  When he opened his mouth to speak, she cut him off.

  “I know, I was gone for seventeen years and she survived.”

  She’d assumed he was looking for ways to overturn her decision to stay, but he wasn’t. He’d planned to tell her to do whatever she felt she needed to, and everyone else would have to adjust. But she was still talking, so he didn’t get the chance.

  “My brothers have already abandoned her. And she’s so convinced I won’t be able to love her, either, she’s trying to make sure of it.”

  “By being unlovable.”

  “It doesn’t make sense. But...I’m going to show her that I’ll stick with her through thick and thin. If she gets nothing
else out of life, she should have that. Family is the most important thing. That’s what I’ve learned. Which means I have no choice.”

  “Jake and I are fine,” he said. “Don’t worry about us.”

  Her chest rose as she drew a deep breath. “Thank you. I just...I wanted you to understand that I wasn’t trying to be a thorn in your side—although it must appear that way.”

  “I can handle my mother.”

  “And Jake?”

  “He’d rather you were here.”

  “Thanks.”

  He reached for the door handle, then paused. “That invitation for dinner you mentioned to Jake...”

  “Yes?”

  “Does it include me?”

  She seemed taken aback. “Of course. You’re welcome at anything I do with Jake.”

  He’d wanted her to say yes, but not for that reason. She seemed to think his only interest lay in policing her relationship with their son.

  He wished that was the case—because some of the thoughts that went through his mind when he looked at Phoenix would shock just about everyone.

  11

  “You’re playing with fire.”

  Phoenix kept emptying the rotting food from her mother’s fridge. She almost couldn’t tolerate the smell, but she’d been meaning to do this since she got out of prison and was determined to battle through it tonight. It would be much easier to cook her mother’s meals if she could stomach opening her refrigerator.

  “You have nothing to say to that?” Lizzie prompted from where she sat at the kitchen table behind a stack of newspapers that were God only knew how old.

  “What do you want me to say?” Phoenix replied. “Riley’s my son’s father. It’s not like I can avoid him.”

  She dropped a raisin into her hamsters’ cage. “You might be smart if you did. Jacob’ll come around when he’s older.”

  After what had happened at the game, she’d considered leaving the area—for his sake. But as she’d told Riley, Jake wasn’t the only reason she’d come back to Whiskey Creek. Lizzie didn’t realize she figured into that decision, and wouldn’t believe it if Phoenix told her. “I don’t want to miss what’s left of his childhood.”

  “Even if his father’s too much of a temptation for you?”

  “Cut it out! You already accused me of sleeping with him,” she protested. “He hasn’t touched me, so I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh, yes, you do. Maybe he hasn’t touched you yet, but you’re thinking about it.”

  Phoenix hated the fact that her mother was right. She was beginning to feel the deprivation of going seventeen years without a man. She’d thought she’d be able to concentrate exclusively on motherhood, at least for a couple of years. But her hormones were getting in the way, making her long for fulfillment, and Riley was the partner she kept seeing in her mind’s eye.

  “You said you didn’t like Riley. Now you think he’s attractive?”

  “Just because he’s nice to look at doesn’t mean he can be trusted.”

  “You wouldn’t admit even that much before.” Phoenix wrinkled her nose as she opened yet another container of spoiled food—this one slimy rice. Who knew rice could stink as horribly as rotting eggs? “We were in high school when he dumped me. You didn’t expect him to marry me, did you?”

  “No, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. He won’t ever marry you. So don’t let him in your bed. You won’t get anything out of it.”

  She was starting to think the physical satisfaction would be enough. But she knew Riley would be a poor choice. She couldn’t do anything that might complicate their relationship—which was already so complicated—or threaten what was beginning to develop between her and Jacob. “I’m not going to sleep with Riley.”

  “I don’t see any other men coming over here.”

  “I’ve been home a week!”

  “Doesn’t matter. I’d find someone fast if I were you—just to let Jake’s father know he doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of using you again.”

  “Using me? We had sex. We both wanted it. We were young. Can’t you give him the benefit of the doubt, for crying out loud?”

  “The way he and his family have given you the benefit of the doubt?”

  Phoenix sighed as she adjusted her rubber gloves. “He could be making things a lot more difficult for me, but he’s being quite...cooperative.” Surprisingly cooperative. She hadn’t expected him to be so kind.

  “Doesn’t that make you wonder why?” her mother asked.

  “It makes me grateful. That’s all.”

  Lizzie’s chair groaned as she shifted. “Oh, come on. You’d love to have him. Still. But he thinks he’s too good for you, so don’t be fooled.”

  Obviously, Lizzie thought he was too good for her, too. She kept talking about that. “Thanks for the reminder of my low station,” Phoenix mumbled as she dived back into the fridge.

  The odor of her mother’s fingernail polish—she did her nails almost every day—battled with the pungent smell of liquefied lettuce.

  “Can’t you hurry?” Lizzie asked. “Or shut the fridge? I can’t take the stench anymore.”

  “That stench is only going to get worse if I don’t finish.”

  “Well, don’t throw out anything that’s still good.”

  “I think I know the difference. If you did, maybe it wouldn’t get like this.”

  “I didn’t ask you to do it,” Lizzie snapped.

  There’s gratitude for you. Phoenix shook her head but didn’t comment. Knowing that her mother made herself unlikable because she believed she was unlikable didn’t make it any easier to cope with her.

  “Have you ever considered getting internet service?” Phoenix asked, hoping to guide the conversation to a subject that contained no emotional land mines.

  “I don’t have the money,” her mother retorted without even considering it. “What would I do with it, anyway?”

  “You could get a used laptop for cheap and meet people online, make friends or watch old TV shows, new series, movies. There’s tons of content available these days for only a few bucks a month—less than what you’re paying for cable. Plus, you can get video games.”

  “I’m too busy for that.”

  Phoenix bit her tongue. Her mother thought she was busy? All she did was eat, watch television, take care of her animals (fortunately much better than she ever did her children), paint her fingernails (she could no longer reach her toes) and organize and reorganize the garbage she collected as if used tinfoil was gold bullion.

  “Right,” Phoenix said at length. “Well, I plan to get the internet when I can afford it. I need it for my business. So maybe you’ll let me show you a few things. I bet it’ll change your mind.”

  “I bet it won’t.” Her mother gave her a sharp glance—Phoenix looked up just in time to catch it. “Don’t be trying to change everything. I’m fine the way I am.”

  Sure she was. Everyone had this kind of mold growing in the refrigerator.

  Silence fell but, after several minutes, Phoenix broke it. “Jacob hugged me tonight.”

  She hadn’t told her mother, was hesitant to do so now for fear Lizzie would say something caustic and ruin the memory. At the same time, she wanted to show her mother that her son was far more receptive to her than Lizzie had predicted he’d be.

  “He did?”

  Phoenix heard the surprise in her voice and smiled. “Out front, in the yard. He told me goodbye and gave me my first hug.”

  There was a long pause. Then her mother asked, more softly, “What’d Riley do?”

  “Nothing.”

  “I wouldn’t trust him,” she said, her voice returning to her customary one.

  She’d said that before, and she was probably right. But part of her mother’s problem was that she didn’t trust anyone.

  * * *

  She had thirty new bracelet orders! Elated, Phoenix stared at the proof on her computer as she sat at Black Gold Coffee. She
’d never had so many at once, and most were for the more expensive models. She couldn’t imagine why there’d be such a dramatic spike. She’d been getting one, maybe two, per day for the past couple of weeks.

  But it didn’t take long to solve the mystery. As she sorted through the invoices, she realized her bracelets had somehow caught on in a neighborhood, with a group of friends, a college or high school, in Los Angeles. That had to be it, because most of the shipping addresses had the same zip code.

  How interesting...

  Smiling to herself, she began to email her new clients to let them know when their orders would be completed and sent. Fortunately, she got her money up front, so she had fifteen hundred dollars sitting in her PayPal account. She’d be able to get more supplies, which she’d definitely need, buy some groceries, including the ingredients to make Jacob that spaghetti dinner, and...

  The bell rang over the door, and she glanced up to see one of Riley’s friends from high school—Callie Vanetta—come in with a guy, most likely her husband, but they didn’t seem to be paying attention to anyone else there. They stepped up to the register, so Phoenix relaxed and went back to work. She was so intent on making sure she’d confirmed every order that she stopped monitoring the door for people who might not be pleased to run into her. It was getting crowded, and she couldn’t see through the customers who were blocking the entrance, anyway.

  By the time she looked up again, however, she realized that Callie and her husband hadn’t left with their coffee, as she’d expected. They’d sat down, and several others had joined them. It wasn’t until Riley walked through the door that she wished she’d been paying closer attention to who those people were. She should’ve left when two more of his friends, Noah Rackham and Eve Harmon, arrived.

  Riley didn’t notice her at first. It took someone at the table to point her out to him. She thought she heard the person say, “Isn’t that Phoenix?” Then he did a double take, and got up to make his way over.

  “Hey.”

  She considered closing her laptop and leaving. But she still had a handful of people to email. She didn’t want too much time to pass between the order and her response. And she didn’t want to have to bike all the way back to town after Riley and his friends were gone to do fifteen minutes more work.