This Heart of Mine

by Brenda Novak

  “You look beautiful,” he said again—only this time Jacob wasn’t around to see his expression. He acted as if he could barely keep from touching her.

  Deciding that, too, should be left without comment, she grabbed the old towel she’d been using in place of oven mitts so she could take out the bread. “Are you excited about your birthday next weekend?”

  “I’d be more excited if you were coming to the cabin.”

  “It’ll be better if I stay behind. Then I can help out with Jake. There’s no reason he has to go to Tristan’s, you know. He could come here, if he wants.”

  “Tristan’s parents are taking the boys to San Francisco.”

  “So he’ll be gone for the weekend, too?”

  He studied her. “See? Jake won’t need you. You might as well come with me.”

  “That would only confuse everyone,” she said. Especially her.

  “No, it wouldn’t. There’ll be a lot of people at the party. You’d just be one of the crowd.”

  She’d never been anywhere like that before, and she hadn’t joined a group of people celebrating and having fun since high school. That tempted her. Besides, she had a fabulous gift for him. If only it would arrive in the mail...

  But she shook her head. She couldn’t see herself socializing with his crowd, couldn’t imagine he’d enjoy the way everyone would stare at her. “Wish I could,” she mumbled.

  He rested his hands on her shoulders. “You can come, Phoenix. All you have to do is say yes.”

  He was close enough that she could feel the heat of his body, and that brought back the memory of how he’d touched her in the pool. “Sometimes I don’t know if you’re...teasing me...”

  “Of course not!”

  She was a little shocked at his outrage. “Or...or testing me...”

  “For what?” he demanded.

  “To make sure you’re in the clear, I guess. That you don’t have to worry about me getting...too attached.”

  His hands tightened. “I’m not afraid of that, Phoenix.”

  Then what was he doing? She knew what her mother would say—that he’d use her and toss her aside again. Phoenix hated to believe it, but he’d been acting as if he was still attracted to her, even though she had nothing that would appeal to a man like him. Was her mother right? Did he hope to receive physical benefits in exchange for being so kind about Jacob?

  “Don’t get spooked,” he added. “For now, I’m inviting you to my party. That’s all.”

  “But having me there would be asking for trouble.”

  “How?”

  Had he forgotten what they’d done in the pool? How easily it could’ve gone further? “People would talk, for one thing.”

  “And say what?”

  “That...that I haven’t learned my lesson.”

  “Phoenix...”

  Hearing the toilet flush and Jacob’s step in the hall, she brought a finger to her lips and scooted around him for fear their son would see them standing so close.

  * * *

  Riley pressed his thumb and finger to the bridge of his nose as he heard Phoenix tell Jacob she’d made a chocolate cake. He’d rattled her; he could tell, especially as the night progressed. She focused solely on Jacob and made small talk about prom, which was coming up, his baseball practices, his games, his friends, the various colleges he was considering.

  Riley ate in silence, and marveled that the food was so good. After those cookies she’d brought to Jake’s game, he’d thought they’d have to choke down whatever she’d cooked. But he’d never had tastier spaghetti, and Jake liked her dinner as much as he did. Even the cake had turned out.

  Phoenix gave them each second helpings of everything, including dessert, but ate very little herself. Riley decided that he shouldn’t have urged her to go to the cabin. He’d upset her—and he could see why. She’d spent seventeen years berating herself for falling in love with him, and now he’d asked her to stick her hand back into the fire.

  It was too soon for something like that. If he wanted to date her again, he needed to take it slow—slower than he’d ever taken it with any other woman. But that wasn’t as easy as it sounded. He couldn’t get her out of his head, and his constant impulse to touch her was driving him mad, especially since he was pretty sure she wanted the same thing. She’d acted like it in the pool. Just thinking about what she’d let him do that night made him hard.

  After they’d finished eating, Jake went into the living room to do his chemistry homework and Riley insisted on giving Phoenix a hand cleaning up.

  “Guests aren’t supposed to do the dishes,” she said. “Why don’t you relax? See if Jake needs any help?”

  “He’s fine. I don’t mind carrying in a few things.”

  He stacked the plates on the counter but couldn’t decide what to do with the leftovers. She didn’t seem to have any storage containers. He figured he could put some tinfoil over each serving bowl. She had tinfoil. But when he opened the fridge, he found it crammed with old mayonnaise and peanut butter jars full of—he took one out—more spaghetti sauce?

  “Wow! Why’d you make so much?” He turned as she came in with their glasses.

  She shrugged as if it wasn’t any big deal, but she seemed a little embarrassed. “It took a few tries to get it right.”

  “You made spaghetti sauce over and over?”

  “This is my first dinner party. I couldn’t serve something that didn’t taste good,” she said as though anyone else would do the same thing.

  But it was only for him and Jake! He pointed to the sea of jars in the fridge. “What’s wrong with these?”

  She frowned. “They didn’t turn out. I’m not sure what I did wrong.”

  “Why are you saving them?”

  “No sense wasting food. I’ll eat them. I just need to buy some freezer bags.”

  So they were good enough for her. Riley didn’t think he’d ever met a woman as sweet as Phoenix. Who would’ve thought he’d admire the town pariah more than any other citizen? It was almost laughable how much he’d dreaded her return, particularly when he compared his original reaction to the way he felt now. “Well, you figured out the secret,” he said. “The sauce was delicious.”

  “Thanks.” She seemed gratified by the compliment, as if she’d hit the mark she’d set for herself. But she wouldn’t engage him after that. If he stepped toward the fridge, she’d step away from it. If he went to the table, she’d go to the sink.

  He found her determination not to even brush up against him quite ironic. She’d wanted him so badly seventeen years ago. And now that he wanted her, regardless of what anyone said, she wouldn’t come near him.

  They finished washing the dishes and played a game of hearts while waiting for Jacob to wrap up his homework. Riley examined her more than he did his cards, but she’d look away if their eyes ever met. After that, they all went for a walk along the creek. When Jacob took Phoenix’s hand to make sure she didn’t fall on the slippery rocks, Riley wished he could be on her other side.

  He followed them instead.

  “We could help you clean up this place,” Jacob told her with a glance over his shoulder to indicate that he was talking about the yard.

  Phoenix looked happier than Riley had ever seen her. There was no question she loved having Jacob’s hand in hers. Just seeing them together made him feel guilty all over again for standing between them before. It was a miracle she didn’t resent him.

  Or maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe she did. He didn’t feel that coming from her, but he didn’t see how she could avoid hating him for denying her the one thing she wanted most.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. “I’d like to do it sooner rather than later, but...I have to be careful with my mother. Moving things around—and especially getting rid of anything—upsets her. This is her place, after all. I’m merely a guest.”

  “A guest who takes care of her,” Riley pointed out.

  “As much as she’ll le
t me.”

  “There’s no rush,” Jacob said. “We’re here whenever you need us.”

  “That’s very nice.” She beamed up at him. Then they paused for a few seconds in the cool water to admire the sunset.

  When Riley came up beside them, Jacob said, “Here, take Mom for a sec. I’m going to see if I can find some rocks to skip.”

  “I don’t need any help,” Phoenix protested, but Jacob brought their hands together and began his search.

  Riley tugged on her just enough to knock her off balance. Instinctively, she cried out and grabbed hold of him, and he saved her from landing in the water.

  “Are you sure?”

  “You did that on purpose!” she said.

  He raised their hands to show how her fingers were laced through his. “Worked, didn’t it?”

  * * *

  “So...how’d it go?”

  Riley glanced over at his son as he drove them home from Phoenix’s trailer. “What do you mean? You were there. It was fine, don’t you think?”

  “You warned me dinner might not be very good. I would’ve eaten it, anyway, like you said. But I thought the food was perfect.”

  “It was.” He didn’t mention the cookies he’d had to swap out, or that Phoenix had made who knew how many batches of spaghetti sauce. “She’s learning.”

  “And...”

  “And what?”

  “How’d she treat you?”

  Was Jake beginning to hope they’d get together? “Like I said...you were there.”

  “I had to do my homework while you two were in the kitchen.”

  Riley pursed his lips as he remembered. “She was...polite.”

  “That’s it?”

  “I got her to hold my hand.”

  “At the house?”

  “No,” he admitted, keeping his eyes on the road.

  “You can’t be talking about the creek.” Jacob winced. “I’m not sure it counts if you have to almost pull a girl into the water.”

  Riley had never dreamed his son would be in a position to critique his ability to attract a woman. But their relationship was unique. The age difference wasn’t as wide as that between most fathers and sons; it’d been just the two of them for sixteen years, and they often worked together. All of that tended to make Jake feel more like a buddy, at times. “She’s skittish.”

  Jake propped his arm against the door. “Whenever I talk about you, she only has the best things to say.”

  “That doesn’t mean she’d be willing to explore more than friendship.”

  “You need time to win her over.”

  “Getting her out of Whiskey Creek—where she doesn’t feel so hemmed in by the past—would help,” he mused. “I wish I could convince her to go to the cabin with me next weekend.”

  “She won’t go?”

  He shook his head and Jacob said, “I’ll see if I can convince her.”

  Riley told him not to. It didn’t seem fair for him to involve Jacob, knowing Phoenix would do anything for their son. That gave him an unfair advantage. But his hesitancy didn’t dissuade Jake. Over the next few days, he left a message on Facebook, drove out to visit her and spoke to her at his game. He told Riley that he’d said she should go to Lake Melones for the weekend. That it would be fun. That she could use the opportunity to make friends. That there was more to life than taking care of her mother and building her business. Riley had even overheard part of one conversation, since he’d given Phoenix a ride to the game. But according to what he’d heard that day, and what Jacob had told him after, Phoenix always responded with the same answer: She says she doesn’t fit in with your crowd.

  By Friday morning, he wished he could stay home himself. Kyle claimed he had a woman lined up to be Riley’s date, but Riley didn’t even care to meet her. The only thing that stopped him from declining was that he refused to flake out on his friends. It was his party, after all—and he was looking forward to seeing Gail and Simon, who hadn’t been to town in a while.

  The woman Kyle had invited for him was there when he arrived. Her name was Candy Rasmussen, and she was as pretty as Kyle had promised. Seemed nice, too. She smiled brightly when they were introduced, and pulled him over to sit by her almost immediately.

  But once she met Simon, and she and Kyle’s date, a woman by the name of Samantha, started fawning over him like groupies, Riley knew he was in for a long weekend.

  20

  Riley’s present was delivered on Friday afternoon. Phoenix opened it to make sure it looked as good in real life as it had on the computer, and was thrilled to see that it was even better. The minute she felt she could spare the money, she planned to order the same scrapbook for herself.

  He’s going to love this. Hoping to give it to him before he could leave for the cabin, she hurried over to her mother’s to call Jacob’s cell.

  Because Lizzie was sitting at the table scowling at her—“He doesn’t deserve that, doesn’t deserve anything,” she’d said—Phoenix turned away when her son answered and lowered her voice.

  “Jake?”

  “Hey, Mom. What’s up?”

  “I was wondering if your father’s still around.”

  “He left for the cabin at noon. Why? Have you changed your mind about going? If so, I can give you the address. We have this app on our phones called ‘Find Your Friends.’ I can see where he is at any time. Plus, he gave the address to Tristan’s parents.”

  She’d thought about going all week and had nearly relented. It almost felt...safe, once Jacob started trying to talk her into it. But there was always her mother to remind her what a fool she’d be if she ever trusted Riley again. She couldn’t imagine him being interested in her—not seriously. Her mother had to be right.

  “I haven’t changed my mind,” she told Jake. “I just...I got him a small gift for his birthday and was hoping to bring it over this afternoon, that’s all.”

  “You should take it up to the cabin. He’d love it if you came.”

  Again, she nearly succumbed to the temptation. She probably would have if her mother hadn’t been eavesdropping on her conversation. “I can’t barge in on him and his friends. I’ll wait until he gets home,” she said.

  But after they hung up, Jacob called back and insisted she write down the address. For some reason, he really wanted her to go—and after another three hours of deliberation, she walked back to her mother’s and called to see if she could hire a car to take her.

  Maybe she was crazy, as foolhardy as Lizzie said. But when she glanced around her mother’s trailer and saw what playing it safe all the time looked like, she realized that fear could imprison a person just as much as the iron bars at the Central California Women’s Facility.

  So she decided to free herself—and attend the party.

  * * *

  The cabin was a mansion, a gorgeous sprawling structure made of wood, stone and glass—the wood being the only cabin-like element about it. A place like this couldn’t be called “rustic.”

  “Nice,” the driver said with a whistle.

  They couldn’t even see it all, not the part that lay beyond the lights in front. It had taken so long to arrange transportation it was dark, nearly ten o’clock.

  Phoenix didn’t say anything. His comment didn’t require a response, and she was too caught up in her own anxiety. Had she made a mistake paying this man to bring her here? What on earth had possessed her? She wasn’t that good in social situations to begin with, and now she was going to barge into Riley’s lake party weekend without so much as a swimsuit?

  The driver came around the car. “Ma’am?”

  She kneaded her forehead. It wasn’t too late to drive off. She could have him take her home...

  “Somethin’ wrong?” he asked uncertainly.

  “Yes, um, I’m sorry to change plans on you at the last minute, but I’ve decided to go back.”

  “To Whiskey Creek?”

  She nodded. “Is that okay?”

  “I’m sorry, but I
have another fare in San Francisco at midnight,” he said. “I’ll barely get there in time as it is.”

  “Oh!” She hadn’t considered that he might not be able to take her, even if she paid another hundred dollars for the return trip.

  He held out his hand. “I’m sure you’ll have fun here.”

  She climbed out. Damn it. She didn’t belong. She should never have come...

  He handed her the small, beat-up suitcase she’d borrowed from her mother and thanked her when she gave him a ten-dollar tip. Then he left her standing on the steps of movie star Simon O’Neal’s cabin—the Simon O’Neal, one of the biggest box office stars in the country.

  As if Riley’s being here wasn’t unnerving enough.

  “I’ve done it this time.” She looked around, wondering if there was some other way to leave, but the narrow, winding road by which she’d come was sparsely traveled. That didn’t leave her with many options. It wasn’t as though she could catch a bus.

  In other words, she was stuck.

  Letting her breath go on a long sigh, she shook her head. “What a fool.” Obviously, she cared a lot more about Riley than she wanted to admit, or she wouldn’t have put herself in such a terrifying position, gift or no gift.

  She was here now, though. There was nothing to do but make the most of it.

  She carried her suitcase up the three steps to the door—and continued carrying it across a large entry area, since it didn’t have wheels like most bags made in the past twenty years.

  After setting it down, she stood there for a minute, then rang the bell.

  Simon himself answered. Phoenix was so tongue-tied she almost couldn’t speak.

  “Hello.” He looked perplexed but smiled pleasantly.

  “Hi, I’m, um, I’m here for Riley’s party. He...he invited me.”

  Simon’s eyebrows rose as if that was a surprise—and she could understand why. She was so different from the other people who would be here. And Riley probably hadn’t mentioned her. He would have no reason to.

  To Simon’s credit, he barely hesitated before pushing the door wider. “Great. The more, the merrier,” he said. “Come on in. We’re all out back.”

  It felt so presumptuous to carry her suitcase inside his house, but she couldn’t leave it on the stoop. Fortunately, Simon grabbed it before she could. “Let me get that for you.”