A Perfect Dilemma

by Zoe Dawson

  Her face only got more worried at my tone “Are you going to throw everything away?”

  “What I decide to do with my life is my business. I can make different choices if I want to.”

  Her lips compressed. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”

  “I would hope that you would be happy for whatever I choose to do. Support me, but I can see that you’ll only do that when it’s something you approve of.”

  Despair wrapped around my heart. The thought of never touching him again, seeing him, holding him, and letting him have his way with me, broke something in me. Having my family so dead set against him broke something else. And knowing my daddy wasn’t the man I’d believed him to be broke more of me.

  All I could think about was getting back to Braxton. Back to his delicious voice, the teasing Outlaw grin that didn’t exist anywhere outside of Suttontowne. Only on my Braxton. He was mine. I knew it in my heart. There was so much more between us than sex. I knew it so completely it was part of my soul. I couldn’t run from it or get away from the misery and agony welling up in me.

  And all my momma could talk about was my application for Miss Louisiana…while I was bleeding out, dying.

  “River, be reasonable.” she pleaded, her dark brown eyes watching my face like a hawk, but I was very good at hiding how I felt. Very good at pretending to be the Perfect Princess. I wasn’t ready to find out if my momma was as ruthless as my daddy. I only had so many pieces left of me. For the millionth time, I knew, even as my heart cracked, Jake had been wrong. It wasn’t the business or the money or any of it. We were their legacy. Us. Their children, and they didn’t know it. They couldn’t see it.

  I didn’t know how to make them see.

  I had lost Braxton.

  But I wasn’t sure I’d ever truly had him.

  It scared the hell out of me. The agony I held back only through sheer will. I’d been a total fool to get involved with him, to give him my heart, because it was breaking into a thousand fragile pieces, and I wasn’t sure I had the strength to survive it.

  I had the courage to stand up to my daddy and my momma. I could survive that battle. I knew I could, but there was one thing I would never do. Hurt Braxton. He’d endured so much, and had worked so hard to build Outlaws. My daddy knew exactly where to hit me to do the most damage. My daddy’s threat might have been a bluff, but I couldn’t take the chance.

  #

  Braxton

  “Hey, something smells…good…ah, you’re making me my ooey-gooey chocolate chip cookies,” Booker said as he sauntered into the kitchen.

  He stopped and eyed my pink apron. “And don’t you look just precious.”

  “I wear it each and every time I make your cookies.”

  “Do you, now?”

  “No. All my white aprons were dirty.”

  “Oh, ha-ha.”

  “So what’s up?”

  “Not much. Just stopped by to see how you were doing. Not that you would tell me.”

  “You want to spar?” I asked, giving him a wry look.

  He shoved me and shook his head. “Very funny.” He eyed my knuckles. “Looks like you’ve been sparring with yourself.”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Okay, big boy, let’s get this on, so I can get out of here before Booker stops by. He’s planning on…oh, shit!”

  Aubree walked into the kitchen and stopped dead. Booker looked at me, his eyes narrowing. Aubree blushed to the roots of her hair.

  I laughed and shook my head.

  “Oh, babe, you’ve done it now,” I said.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Booker said, low and menacing.

  “Hey,” I said. “I don’t kiss and tell. Right, Aubree?”

  “Braxton…” Aubree, said, sounding mortified.

  Booker hit me from out of nowhere, pushing me up against the counter. His face distorted with rage. I realized it was a knee-jerk reaction, and that my teasing had been drowned by his surge of jealousy.

  Aubree was there grabbing his arm.

  He was breathing hard and I held my hands up. “Chill. It’s only once a week, and she’s really helping me get my moves just right.”

  “Braxton! You’re not helping. He’s kidding. Booker, please don’t hit him.”

  “Aubree,” Booker said between clenched teeth. “I know he’s got to be teasing me because I know you would never…sleep with my brother. I just lost my shit for a second. So what’s going on?”

  Aubree’s anxious green eyes met mine. “Brax…”

  “She’s giving me lessons,” I said suggestively, waggling my brows.

  “Dancing lessons,” Aubree said smacking me on the arm.

  “Oh, kee-rist,” Booker said, letting me go, his breath rushing out. “Tell me you’re not going to crash River Pearl’s debutante ball.”

  “Okay, I’ll tell you that if it makes you feel better.”

  Booker pinched the bridge of his nose. “Braxton, it wouldn’t…”

  “Booker, leave him alone. Isn’t it time for you guys to stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you?”

  It was past time, but it didn’t change anything. “It’s a losing battle anyway, Book.” I met Aubree’s sympathetic gaze. A surge of affection almost cheered me up. This girl I had believed was so stuck up was actually a repressed little beauty my brother loved beyond belief, and now I couldn’t imagine her not being part of our family. She’d quite effectively wormed her way into my heart.

  I knew how he felt. I skirted away from the thought, but couldn’t avoid realizing again how much I wanted what he had with Aubree. But the obstacles were insurmountable.

  I wanted to ask her so badly if she’d heard from River, but held my tongue. It had been a week since I’d heard from her. She didn’t call. She hadn’t returned my texts. I should be ecstatic I’d gotten what I wanted, but I wasn’t. I was heartsick, and thought about her constantly.

  “So, you’re going to give up?”

  He asked while I was pulling the tray out of the oven, and made me burn my hand.

  “Fuck me!”

  I threw the tray away from me. Aubree reacted immediately and grabbed my hand, turning on the tap and shoving it underneath.

  I gritted my teeth at the pain, but it wasn’t my burned hand that hurt so much. I felt like I was imploding, like all my foundations were being kicked away one by one. Aubree looked at my skinned and bruised knuckles.

  “Brax,” she crooned, her voice full of sympathy.

  Even though I was determined not to ask, the words slipped from my lips against my will. “Has she said anything to you?” My voice was nothing but a whisper.

  Her lips compressed and she looked at my hand and said, “No. She’s not answering her phone or my texts.”

  “The debutante thing is two days from now. Saturday,” I said.

  “I know, but don’t worry, you’re ready for your waltz. I’m impressed you picked it up so quickly.”

  I rolled my eyes and said, “Musician.”

  “I guess it gives you an edge, huh?”

  “I bought a tux. It’s being tailored. I went to one of those fancy places in Lafayette. I almost decked the guy when he grabbed the material near my crotch.”

  A small giggle escaped her and Booker chuckled. I gave them a weak smile. She dried off my hand and faced me. “It doesn’t look like it’s going to blister. You’ve done enough damage to your hands, now.” She gripped them and gave them a firm little shake. “Stop it.”

  I closed my eyes. I had battered the shit out of the bag this week. My heart so full of her. The memories of filling her, the sound of her sweet cries. I needed to be with her physically, to make contact. The dreams I’d had about her had been so surreal, hopeless dreams, hot dreams, with smooth skin and wet mouths, dark caves and secret places, and her hair flowing over me like a river of silk where I drowned and breathed her water and felt so alive. The kind of dreams where I woke up in a sweat, my body aching.

  I’d los
t sleep. I’d lost my appetite—and now I was obviously losing my sanity.

  “Are you still going?”

  I went over to the stove and started shoveling cookies into the plastic container. “I’m supposed to pick up the tux tomorrow. I even got some goddamned shiny shoes.”

  Her face saddened. “Oh, man, I wish she would talk to me or Verity, but she’s closing us out, too. The festival is next week, your birthday…then she’s due back to New York to get ready for Verity’s fashion show.”

  I panicked, thinking about her leaving, disappearing out of my life. I knew I should let her go. I should, but the fighter in me was having trouble with it, even though I knew it was crazy and impossible.

  I decided to give them a heads-up about her project. “She’s got a theory about Duel she said she worked out from the letters and ledgers she got from me and my ma.”

  “She does?”

  “Yes. She believes Duel was innocent. She’s sure they hanged the wrong man.”

  Booker straightened. “What? How did she come to that conclusion?”

  “I don’t know,” I said sheepishly. “I was…distracted. But I think it has to do with him being in his store during the time of the robbery and murders.”

  “Wow. Very interesting. He couldn’t be two places at once. Maybe she is on to something.”

  “I think I’m going to go over and see if I can talk to her,” Aubree said.

  She walked over to Booker. “I’ll see you later?”

  “As long as I don’t find you with Boone, I’ll be good.”

  She gave him a smile. “No worries. Him I’m sleeping with.”

  Booker grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, and my chest went hollow just looking at them. He had her. He was putting a ring on her finger and making her his wife. I’d never been so envious of something my brother had. They kissed, and I had to look away, fumbling with the container lid.

  I didn’t turn around until I heard the door close behind her.

  “I should take off, too. I’ve got a ton of stuff to do before we move in two weeks.”

  Which made my chest tighter. I turned around and he reached for the container. I didn’t let it go.

  “I’m sorry about last week. Sorry about how I acted when you were only concerned about who hit me.”

  I saw his shock. He set his hands on his hips and studied me. “I think Hell just froze over again. Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?”

  “Shut up. I know I’m a pain in ass, but you were trying to help…I appreciate it.”

  “Geezus, if this is River Pearl’s influence, I say go get that girl and keep asking her to marry you until she says yes.”

  “What? I…marriage…we…geezus.” I blew out a breath.

  He clapped his hands on my shoulders and leaned in. “Brax, you, my brother, are a goner. If you don’t know it, you’re farther gone then I thought.”

  “I can handle her.”

  Booker raised his brows.

  “I can.”

  “Just keep telling yourself. It might work.”

  I nodded and gave him a confident look right back, even though I was completely floundering. “I don’t like it.”

  “What?”

  “The move.”

  “I know. You don’t have to say a word. I’m two hours away. Not far.”

  “It takes a lot to be a doctor. Aubree sure is smart enough, and she’ll make a damn fine one.”

  “Yup. She’s planning to take over doc’s practice here. She’s already talked to him about it, and he’s thrilled. It’s hard to find someone like Aubree who wants to be a small-town doctor.”

  “Yeah, but she’s got to finish her undergrad degree, then med school and residency.”

  “Look at you. All up on the doctoring stuff.”

  “I am when I’m losing my brother.”

  “You’re not losing me, Brax.”

  “Why does it feel like it, then?”

  “Because we’re close, you ass. We’re trips. We’ve lived in each other’s pockets for nineteen fucking years. It was the three of us against almost everyone.”

  “Right, the Sutton boys, which also ended, and now Jake hates my guts.”

  “I don’t think so. There’s more going on there. Maybe you should make an effort to find out what’s going on instead of goading him.”

  “It doesn’t take much to goad him, Book. He likes to talk with his fists.”

  “Sounds familiar to me.” He gave me a world-weary sigh. “The shit he’s carrying around is still very close to the surface. You thought about that?”

  “No. I’m not a touchy-feely guy.”

  “Right. Well, just remember there’s always more under the surface. Just gotta dig to get to it. Now gimme my cookies.”

  I pulled back on the container, and he looked at me. “What else is up? You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I said as nonchalantly as I could.

  But I had already decided it was time to man up about my inability to let River Pearl do me with her mouth. Geezus, I couldn’t even think the word in conjunction with her.

  He stared at me with the Booker look that could get water out of a stone. I knew I was defeated. Utterly defeated. I had to figure out what the problem was. I was sure she would come around, and then where would I be? She wasn’t going to let it go again. “No. Fuck, no. I’m sleeping with River Pearl.”

  Booker covered his mouth like a little girl, his eyes widening. “No! Get out.” Then he sobered. “Were you trying to shock me? Because I saw it coming a mile away.”

  “I have a hang-up,” I blurted it out, then felt myself flushing like I was six years old.

  “Hey, guys. Man, it smells good in here. Can I get me some cookies?”

  “Oh, geezus,” I swore under my breath as Boone sauntered into the kitchen.

  He frowned. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Then he looked down to the pink around my waist. “Don’t you look like the pretty little cook in your frilly apron, Braxie.”

  My eyes narrowed and the back of my neck started heating.

  “He’s sleeping with River Pearl and he has a hang-up.”

  Startled, I jerked my gaze to Booker. “What the fuck, Booker? Why don’t you take out an ad?!” He gave me a gotcha look. “Okay, okay, I get it. This is payback for the Aubree thing, isn’t it?”

  He grinned, then shrugged. “It’s Boone. He’s one of us. Besides, he’s very good at getting to the bottom of things. I think he could help.”

  “If you say so. He might be adopted.”

  Both Booker and Boone laughed. Boone grabbed one of the cookies. Going to the fridge, he pulled out the milk. “Come on, Brax. Tell me what’s wrong. I’m in touch with my feminine side and I can help.”

  I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “All right,” I said. What the hell. I had to have help with this.

  “What kind of hang-up?” Boone asked, giving me a wry, lopsided grin while pouring a big glass of milk.

  “I believe it’s sexual in nature,” Booker said, his eyes full of sparkle.

  My mouth tightened. “This is…serious.”

  Boone stopped pouring and gaped at me. Then he laughed. He set the milk down and laughed, bent over, grabbing his stomach, and laughed harder.

  I set the container of cookies down, but before I could kick his ass, Booker grabbed my arm. “You have to admit the irony in this, Brax.”

  “Whatever.”

  Boone straightened and picked up the milk again. “Oh fuck, this is good. I can’t wait to hear the rest. What’s wrong?”

  My throat closed and my brain froze. I looked away. “I can’t say it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I can’t use the words to describe it. Even that much makes me squirmy and uncomfortable,” I said through clenched teeth, feeling even more mortified.

  “You can’t get it up?” he said, giving me a needling look.

  “What? No. I can get it up. Geezus, I’m going to fuck
ing deck you.”

  I took a breath. This was humiliating, and it really wasn’t Boone’s fault. But it would still make me feel better to deck him. “No. Getting a hard-on for River Pearl isn’t a problem.”

  “Good job. You said hard-on.”

  Booker grabbed my arm and said, “Boone,” slanting a narrow, warning look at him.

  He continued with dry humor. “I’m enjoying this. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brax this agitated. So tell us, what is this hang-up you have, studmuffin?” He bit into one of the cookies and chased it with a swallow of milk.

  I closed my eyes and took a breath. When I opened them, my brothers were still looking at me. Okay, so I hadn’t had much experience being open or vocal. But this was about River Pearl, and I hated being uncomfortable about anything to do with her. Plus, this was just another example of how she’d changed me. I was asking my brothers for help with a sexual matter. I was a legend in this town. I had names like skirt-chaser, womanizer, lady-killer, man-whore. I did anything and everything without embarrassment or self-consciousness, so what the hell was up with me?

  Because, with River Pearl, it wasn’t just fucking.

  Shit! That little insight scared the crap out of me, and I got even more spooked. I saw my brothers exchange a glance that sobered the looks on both their faces. They’d finally figured out this was important to me, not a joke, and something significant was shifting.

  I rubbed at my forehead. “I’m asking for your help, here.” Then I stared at them with what I was sure was a pained look on my face.

  Boone took a breath. “Wow, this is different. I’m not used to you being so…um…hung up about sex. I mean…you’re a guy.”

  “I have to figure this out. I don’t want her…to feel…fuck…” I trailed off, leaning against the counter and rubbing my palms against my jeans.

  “Well, use a code word instead.”

  I groaned. “A code word? Like what?”

  “I don’t know?” He thought for a moment, then said, “How about french fries? That’s an innocuous word.”

  “What the fuck!?”

  “Yeah, french fries,” he nodded sagely, like he’d just come up with the answer to world hunger.

  Booker grabbed my arm as I bunched up Boone’s shirt in my fist. “If you so much as smirk, I’m going to deck you.”