Juliana turned around, seeing that he was now looking at her. Surprised, she took a good look. He had a kerchief of some kind wrapped around his head, the odd mask over his nose and eyes, and then a heavy beard that was quite long. It nearly went down to his chest. The poor man looked like something almost inhuman in his rags and heavy beard.
“I am very sorry to hear that,” she said. “Men can be cruel at times.”
“They can, my lady.”
“It is most unfortunate that you have had to endure such things. Have you always known such cruelty?”
As she watched, it seemed to her as if the top of his beard was becoming wet. Right below his eyes, as if tears were coming from his eyes at her question. “Not always, my lady,” he said, his raspy voice even more scratchy. “But your kindness… you can never know how much it means to me.”
He’s weeping, Juliana thought, thinking she’d made him cry purely from her benevolent manner. But for her, there was more to it than simply showing kindness to a stranger; somehow, this servant reminded her of Rhogan and what she’d been told about him. He was disfigured, much as the servant was. She wondered if men were being cruel to him wherever he was. Now, after the cruelness she saw towards this servant, she was willing to believe that men were mostly cruel everywhere. Wherever Rhogan was, if he was disfigured as badly as Aland told her he was, then surely he had experienced it.
Her heart broke at the thought.
“But not all men are cruel,” she said after a moment. “There are some that have a kind word. I hope you discover that someday.”
The man’s lips, buried beneath that dirty beard, hinted at a smile. “I have discovered that today in you and it will carry me for a lifetime, my lady.”
Such a small gesture that had meant so much to him. Now, Juliana was the one near tears with thoughts of Rhogan heavy on her mind. Maybe this servant, someone who had clearly suffered so, would understand her thoughts on the man. Although it was unseemly for her to even speak with a lowly servant much less carry on a conversation with him, something was compelling her to do so.
“I hope so,” she said. “May I tell you why? Mayhap I should not tell you this, but I was told that someone I have known since childhood has been disfigured. I suppose I would like to think that wherever he is, hopefully, some lady is showing him kindness. Mayhap in my being kind to you, God will show mercy to him as well. It is a… hope I have.”
By the time she was finished speaking, Juliana was overwhelmed with sadness. To think of her proud, strong Rhogan at the mercy of others left her distraught. Unable to continue, she turned away but she heard the servant speaking quietly behind her.
“This friend,” he said. “Did he mean something to you, my lady?”
She paused, nodding her head. “He meant everything to me.”
The servant didn’t say anything for a moment. When he did, there was a hint of pain in his voice. “Did you know him well, my lady?”
Juliana nodded. “I thought so. I thought I knew him very well, but I was wrong. I did not know him at all.”
“Yet you still care for him.”
Juliana turned to look at the servant. She didn’t want to get too personal, but the answer to his question was clear. There was no use in lying. “Aye,” she said simply. “There are people who remain in your heart forever.”
The servant nodded. “Aye, there are,” he murmured. “Especially if you love them.”
Juliana mulled over his statement, thinking that there was great truth to it. This servant, whoever he was, seemed insightful. “I do not believe we ever stop loving some people,” she said. “It seems to me that love like that was never meant to die.”
The servant fell quiet for a moment. “Then mayhap… mayhap this friend will return to you someday. You must have faith, my lady.”
Juliana thought on that; it sounded like a rather stupid statement to her. Faith hadn’t worked for her over the past four years and she had no idea why it should work for her now.
“Faith has nothing to do with it. I am sure if he intended to return, he would have done so already. Now, I have a determined suitor who will not be discouraged and a father who thinks I should simply forget about…” She suddenly trailed off, realizing she was saying far more than she should have. “It does not matter. As I told you earlier, I will find more suitable clothing for you and have it sent to the kitchens. Thank you for the conversation, John. I wish you well in your duties here. Should you need anything, please do not hesitate to send for me.”
She was changing the subject with blinding speed, unwilling to speak on a subject that was becoming increasingly personal. In fact, the entire conversation had turned too personal and she had grown uncomfortable with it.
But a scarred servant had lowered her guard, however briefly.
This time, when she turned away, the servant didn’t stop her. Juliana rushed out of the yard, heading back to the keep and her warm, comfortable room. Even so, she couldn’t shake the thought of the poor kitchen servant with the damaged face and quiet manner as the other servants had cruelly taunted him. He’d taken it with such stoic resolve. It made her pity him all the more.
Wherever Rhogan was, she hoped that he was finding better fortune in life than poor damaged John.
It was a conversation he never thought he would have.
Something like a dream; he’d fantasized about it a thousand times but ever thought he’d ever actually have the opportunity to live that dream.
Now, his life was complete.
In his shed out in the kitchen yard, Rhogan sat on his bed of straw, with just a woolen blanket for warmth even in this freezing temperature. The cook had given him an old brazier that no one else in the castle used but he often didn’t have the fuel for it, so it sat like a block of ice next to his bed as he rested there, reflecting on his conversation with Juliana. He may have been freezing on the outside but, on the inside, his heart was exploding with warmth.
Love.
He’d cried through the conversation. He could admit that now. Her voice was so sweet to his ear, her manner so soothing, that it broke down the hard shell he’d developed over the years.
When Juliana had first come into the yard, he’d been caught off guard just like everyone else. In fact, he’d resisted the urge to run, fearful she would realize who he was and see what he’d become. But the ensuing conversation had been quite unexpected – it was evident that she had no idea who he was and she had been concerned that those two fools had been taunting him when he hadn’t even noticed. He’d long learned to shut people like that out. But Juliana had chased them away, like a champion, and he’d stood there like a dolt, unsure what to say or do when everyone else seemed to flee. When they had all gone and he’d been the only one to remain in that yard, alone with Juliana, the realization had jolted him into action. He’d tried to flee, too, but she wouldn’t let him.
He was trapped.
Yet her soft and gentle heart had been concerned for him. She wanted to speak to him and he’d had no choice but to remain. But in hindsight, he was glad he had remained, even if he had been fearful the entire time that she would realize to whom she was speaking. But she hadn’t, which wasn’t entirely surprising considering the physical change he’d gone through. Rhogan had been wholly amazed when the conversation had somehow drifted to the subject of “him”.
At least… he thought it was him. A friend who had run away, who had been injured. How they got onto the subject, he didn’t know, but they had. He had no idea how Juliana had come to discover his injury and he’d very much wanted to ask her, but his questions were silenced. He couldn’t ask her and not give himself away. Had it been his father, who had been in France trying to convince him to come home when the accident had happened? Or had it been any number of messengers or soldiers moving between Kerkrade and England? Somehow, someway, she’d been told.
She knew of his plight.
And, oh, her words! Some people live in your heart forever. Even
after she’d known about his injury, all she had conveyed to him was hope and kindness towards the friend who had been injured. There had been no disgust, no anger, simply concern and longing. He could hardly believe his ears but, in the same breath, he truly wasn’t surprised. That was the Juliana he knew – a kind, forgiving woman he’d wronged so terribly.
Yet… she seemed to hold no bitterness against him.
God, if it were only true. If he could only believe that she truly had no animosity towards him over a stupid mistake. Speaking hypothetically about someone was completely different from actually confronting him, but from her words, Rhogan was almost willing to hope, for certain, her forgiveness was genuine. Perhaps God had brought him back to Selborne for a reason; in this most holy season, of Christmas and blessings and compassion, perhaps this was his Christmas blessing.
The blessing of forgiveness for a mistake that changed his life.
As the afternoon moved into night, Rhogan sat on his cot with his mouse friends as company. He was teasing them with a bit of straw as his mind wandered to the days before the princess, days when he’d been a powerful and respected knight, and the entire world had been at his feet. That night at de Winter’s Christmas feast had been the most pivotal night of his life. The night he’d decided to marry Juliana.
The night he decided to destroy his life.
In fact, as Rhogan thought on that cold and snowy night, he realized that it had been exactly four years ago on this very night. The Ides of December. Four long, sometimes terrible years ago. But his encounter with Juliana tonight had been enough of a Christmas gift to last a lifetime; he didn’t need sausages or baubles or nuts or toys to make him happy. He didn’t even need a warm bed or a warm home. He didn’t need a thing except knowing Juliana didn’t hate him.
Now, he had his answer.
Out in the kitchen yard, the cook was beginning to carve off pieces of the roast sheep, which was something he normally did and Rhogan could hear the woman calling. Torn from his thoughts, he left his mouse friends to amuse themselves on this icy winter’s night and left his shelter to go into the kitchen yard where a great fire sent heat and smoke and the smells of roasting meat into the dark night. Shorthanded for servants, the cook had him take the bigger chunks into the hall.
And that was when things got interesting.
He was a man on a mission.
Aland wasn’t going to wait any longer for Juliana to accept his suit. He was going to push it tonight, and push it hard, and overwhelm the woman with his charm and with the promise of what he could provide for her in the future. He was going to push until there wasn’t anything left to push and still, he would push more.
It was time to end this.
He was dressed in his finest for the evening meal, including an exquisite and expensive leather robe that went down to his ankles. He’d even washed his hands and face with precious soap that smelled of sandalwood. His hair was brushed, his face shaved, and he thought he looked rather handsome. He hoped Juliana did, too, because like a good predator, he was about to go in for the kill.
He wanted to look good doing it.
The great hall of Selborne was a separate building from the keep, on the east side of the castle and built up against the wall. Making his way out of the knight’s quarters, for young men not of the family were housed in the outbuildings, Aland made his way across the slushy, muddy bailey, now lit up with an abundance of torches against the frozen night. As he headed towards the hall, which was emitting glowing light from within, he was met by Gabriel and Cullen de Nerra.
“So,” Gabriel said, slapping him on the back, “I heard you had a talk with my sister this afternoon. It did not go too well, I am told.”
Aland glanced at the man. Gabriel was the mirror image of his brother, Gavin. But Gabriel seemed to be more apt to remain at home with his father while Gavin served in London and sought glory. Aland thought Gabriel was a bit of a pest, too. He gave the man an annoyed expression.
“Your sister and I had an excellent conversation,” he said. “She simply did not like what I had to say.”
“What did you say to her?” Cullen wanted to know; he was only a year older than Juliana, a very tall de Nerra and a blond in a land of dark-haired siblings. Truth be told, Aland feared Cullen much more than the twins simply for the sheer size of the man. “I heard that you made her cry.”
Aland held up a hand. “Before you rip my head off about it, I said nothing terrible towards her,” he said. “I simply told her what I’d heard about Rhogan de Garr. It was enough to upset her.”
The teasing expression left Gabriel’s face. “What about Rhogan?” he asked. “What do you know?”
They were nearing the hall and Aland was keen to lose these two leeches so he could enter the hall alone and soak up all of the attention; hopefully, Juliana’s attention. Therefore, he spoke quickly.
“A de Winter soldier on his way to Winchester stopped at Hawkley not long ago,” he said, his eyes on the entry door ahead. “He told me that Rhogan never married the princess because he’d been disfigured in a fire the first year he was in France. The princess cast him aside and no one seems to know where he is. I have reached out to his father, to no avail. It was difficult news for your sister to hear.”
Cullen and Gabriel looked at each other over the top of Aland’s head, their expression suggesting that, perhaps, Aland’s delivery of such news hadn’t been entirely altruistic. It was Cullen who finally put himself in front of Aland, blocking the man’s path to the great hall. When Aland looked up at him, surprised, he could see the suspicion on Cullen’s face.
“Who told you this, de Ferrers?” he growled. “I want a name. Or is this a convenient story you have made up simply to upset my sister?”
Aland could hear the hazard in his tone. “Then you know she has put me off because of whatever foolish feelings she has for de Garr?”
Cullen lifted an eyebrow. “They are not foolish feelings to her,” he said. “And I would tread carefully around her if I were you.”
With that, he thumped the man on the chest to emphasize his point and turned away, heading into the hall. Gabriel lingered behind, watching his enormous brother walk off.
“He is very protective of our sisters,” he said. “You would do well to watch out for him, Aland. He would not be beyond throwing a punch if he thought you were upsetting Juliana too much.”
Aland lifted his eyebrows, as if such a thing could not be helped. “It was the truth I told her, Gabriel,” he said. “I cannot help the truth.”
Gabriel simply shrugged and they continued towards the hall. But the minute Aland put his boot on the stone step leading to the entry, his foot slipped off and he ended up flat on his back in the mud again. He growled with rage as Gabriel pulled him to his feet.
“Damnation!” he roared. “That is the second time I have slipped since my arrival. Are all of the steps in this godforsaken place against me? Is it a conspiracy?”
It was all Gabriel could do to keep from laughing at the arrogant man’s outrage. Aland was wearing a beautiful leather coat, the backside of which was now covered in freezing mud. It was quite the mess, not exactly the look the man was going for when attempting to impress his sister.
“You’d better take that coat off before you go inside,” he said. “My mother will have fits if you bring such a muddied garment into her hall. Take it off and hand it to the servant by the door. He will make sure it is cleaned off.”
Frustrated, and without his peacock-proud coat to wear, Aland grumbled as Gabriel helped him remove the coat and then handed it to the de Nerra servant who was just inside the entry door. As the servant ran off with the fine coat to have it cleaned, Gabriel pulled Aland over towards the family’s feasting table.
“Welcome, Aland,” Val said when he saw their guest approach. “We are pleased that you could join us on this night.”
Aland heard Val’s voice but he only had eyes for Juliana as he came to the table. She wasn’t
looking at him. Instead, she was focused on the trencher in front of her. Cullen, the intimidating brother, was on one side of her but the other side was unspoken for. He indicated the space on the bench beside her.
“May I sit, my lord?” he asked Val’s permission.
Val nodded and Aland quickly took his seat, much to Juliana’s annoyance. Still, she didn’t look up, even when Aland sat down and servants came forth to bring him food and drink. Aland immediately took a long, healthy drink of the wine.
“Ah,” he said, smacking his lips. “My father always said you had the finest wine in the south of England. I see that he was correct.”
“Your father had good taste.”
“As does his son, my lord.”
Val was watching his daughter’s reaction, or lack thereof, to Aland’s presence. She was ignoring the man soundly. Val knew he was going to have to do something quickly or this evening would be most disastrous. He knew Juliana was upset about her conversation with Aland earlier in the day, but Aland had only told her what he’d heard. The sooner she and Aland made amends, the better for them all. But they couldn’t do it with the family hanging about. It was then that Val noticed Cullen sitting on the other side of his sister, glaring daggers at Aland. The last thing they needed was one of his sons becoming involved in this, and in particular, Cullen. The man was too emotional sometimes. Val cleared his throat loudly.
“Cullen,” he said, watching his son look to him with a rather startled expression. “Take a message to the gatehouse, please. I am expecting another guest later tonight and I would have them remain vigilant. In fact, remain at the gatehouse for a time. I should like my guest greeted properly when he arrives.”
Cullen started to rise, for orders from his father were meant to be obeyed, but his movements were reluctant. “Who is it?”
“Do as I so. Go. Oh, and Gabriel, you go as well to keep your brother company.”
Cullen didn’t want to leave but he couldn’t disobey his father, so he left the table unhappily. Gabriel followed in his wake. As Val watched his sons head towards the entry door, he turned to his wife. “And you, my sweet,” he said. “I am feeling a bit of a chill. Will you go and fetch my heavy cloak? You know the one.”
The Nutcracker Reimagined: A Collection of Christmas Tales Page 15