Hidden Currents

by Rowena Summers

  ‘And if only the babby would hurry up and make his appearance, I’d be happy too,’ Ma said, needing to shift her weight on the settle as the stitch in her side caught her out with a gasp again.

  ‘Can I rub your back for you, Ma?’ Carrie said at once, knowing this sometimes eased things.

  ‘I think I’d be better lying flat, so I’m taking to my bed after all this excitement, Carrie. You’d best go too, our Billy, and the rest of you can chew over the fat as long as you like.’

  She bundled the protesting Billy up the stairs in front of her, while Carrie began wondering just how soon she’d be able to tell John what was happening in the Stuckey family. She hadn’t seen him for a few days, and hardly at all since the end of the Christmas fair on the Downs. He didn’t even know about her leaving her job yet, let alone Wilf’s more exciting news. But at last she had something of family interest to tell him and his uncle, instead of her usual second-hand stories of the way other folk lived.

  * * *

  ‘I’m not sorry you’ve left the Barclay girl’s employ, Carrie, and naturally I’m glad for Wilf. It’s good and right for a man to do what he has his heart set on,’ John said, when she had toiled up Bedminster Hill the next afternoon and blurted out everything at once. He had greeted her with pleasure, pulling her into his arms and kissing her hard, and she had felt warmed by his reaction to the unexpected visit.

  But she felt oddly let-down by his flat response. He used all the right words, but they weren’t said with any enthusiasm. And she had been so bubbling over when she’d gone to tell him. She hadn’t had the satisfaction of relating it all to his uncle, since the old man was fast asleep in his room. It was a pity, since she was sure Uncle Oswald would have enjoyed the telling.

  ‘You don’t sound as if it’s wonderful,’ she complained. ‘Or perhaps you think I was stupid to say I wouldn’t spend so long away with Miss Barclay at this country estate with her new beau?’

  ‘Why should I think that?’ he said, showing his irritation.

  ‘I don’t know. But you didn’t mind making up to her that day on the Downs, did you? Perhaps you fancy her yourself! Perhaps you’d have liked me to keep an eye on her to see how things were going,’ she said wildly.

  ‘I think you’re going mad,’ John said shortly. ‘What Miss Barclay does is of no interest to me, and if you want to throw up a perfectly good job, then that’s your business.’

  ‘Don’t you think it might be your business too?’ she said in frustration. ‘After all, we are supposed to be more or less engaged, aren’t we?’

  ‘More — or less? Which is it, Carrie?’

  She felt suddenly frightened. ‘John, I didn’t come here to quarrel with you. I don’t know why we always seem to be arguing lately, either.’

  ‘Everybody argues.’

  ‘But not all the time,’ she muttered. ‘And not with the person they intend spending the rest of their life with.’

  ‘Is this a roundabout way of saying you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with me?’

  The fright became a hurt in her chest. To her vivid imagination it seemed certain he was the one who wanted to get out of their engagement, but he was waiting for her to say it, rather than say it himself. That was it, of course, Carrie thought bitterly. A woman could get back at a man for breach of promise, but if she threw in the towel herself … but God knew she didn’t want to end it, and so should John …

  ‘Of course not. I just wish we didn’t argue so much,’ she finally said. To her own ears she sounded feeble. She cursed herself for being so spineless, but she didn’t dare risk losing him. She loved him, and she thought desperately that her pithiness must surely be due to the trauma of the last weeks with Helen Barclay.

  Not for the first time, she breathed a great sigh of relief that she didn’t have to pander to that young lady’s whims any more. John mistook the reason for her sigh, and put his arms around her.

  ‘Don’t ever doubt that I love you, Carrie, but I do have something on my mind, and I was going to keep it from you until after Christmas. I have news of my own.’

  ‘What news?’ she said, alert at once. She was still in the circle of his arms, but she could feel his tension, and she knew she wasn’t going to hear anything pleasant. ‘It’s not your uncle, is it? Is he worse?’

  John shook his head. ‘He does well enough, and he’s improving all the time. No, it’s an opportunity that’s come my way. It’s hardly in the same class of skill as Wilf’s, but it seems too good to miss.’

  Somehow she didn’t need to ask. She felt her face flush with anger. ‘You’re not going to tell me it’s to do with fighting, are you? You know I hate it, John.’

  ‘Don’t take on so,’ he said, keeping her firmly in his embrace as she would have wriggled away. ‘But you’re on the right track. I did well against BIG LOUIE for the rest of the week at the Downs fair. I beat him twice more, and twice more it was called a draw, and the promoter was well pleased at the outcome with all the crowds it drew.’

  ‘How nice for you,’ she snapped. ‘I’m sure having it twice called a draw was better than having your brains knocked out completely.’

  And now that she had time to draw breath properly, she could see the dark smudgy evidence of where the skin on his cheeks had been bruised and battered, and there was a small cut on his forehead. It was obvious to her now that fighting was in John’s blood, and that she wasn’t going to be the one to rid him of it.

  She managed to shake free of his embrace, or maybe it was because he simply let her go, so that she almost fell.

  ‘So who will your next opponent be?’ she cried out. ‘Some giant of a man who will really finish you off? You surely don’t expect me to stand by and watch such a thing happening, and to keep praying that someday you won’t be brought home on a slab?’

  She felt near to crying as the prospect took hold of her. His face was tight with anger, but she could see the stubborn look in his eyes. And dear God, if she was stubborn, then so was he … she felt him shaking her arms as she ranted on, and she lapsed into a stony silence.

  ‘Will you just listen to me? You know my dream is to buy a boat large enough not just to take folk up and down the river, but out into the Channel and along the coast on day trips. It’s the coming thing, Carrie, and from the pittance I get from ferrying folk across the river in the winter months, it would take me for ever to save enough. I want to offer my wife a good life and a good future, and the offer I’ve had from Garfield Pond is too good to miss.’

  ‘Garfield Pond? What’s that? Some boating firm or other?’ she said stupidly, too mesmerised by the sudden enthusiasm in his voice to say anything else.

  ‘It’s the name of BIG LOUIE’S fight promoter. You saw him that day on the Downs, introducing the fights. They get regular engagements in various towns in the west, not just at the travelling fairs. BIG LOUIE always travelled with the regular sparring partner you saw that day, before the other contestants were invited into the ring, but now the sparring partner’s ill, so they’ve offered me the job.’

  ‘What?’ She could hardly take all this in. Wilf’s new prospect had been a thrill — this news was anything but. ‘How can you even think of such a thing? You once told me those travelling fairs go all over the country.’

  ‘Not all over. But I’ll be travelling through Somerset and Devon, and maybe even as far as Cornwall in the next four months,’ he said warily.

  Four months … her mouth dropped open, but before she could question him more, he went on quickly.

  ‘I’ve said I won’t do more than four months, Carrie, and I’ve done my calculations. Uncle Oswald’s agreed that I can put our present boat up for sale when I’m ready, and with putting the proceeds to what I’ll earn, I can save enough to put down most of the money on the bigger boat in that time. I’ve seen the plans for one I want already.’

  ‘And if it’s not what I want?’ she said slowly. ‘Oh, I don’t mean the boat. That sounds wonderful — but
don’t expect me to approve of the means of getting it.’

  ‘I don’t,’ he said in a clipped voice. ‘But fighting is a skill I have, and I intend to use it. Garfield Pond reckons I’ll draw the crowds, and that there’ll be a bonus in it for me every time we get above a certain number. But if you’re not prepared to wait four months, Carrie —’

  ‘It’s not that, and you know it, though I don’t relish the thought of you going all over the country, but what about your uncle? Do you intend leaving him here to fend for himself?’

  Her mind surged on, thinking of all the objections she could, while knowing full well that John intended going ahead with this. She could see it by the lights in his eyes. He was a man who would never back down for a woman. She began to wonder if she really knew him at all, and more importantly, if she still liked what she saw.

  ‘Uncle Oswald’s all in favour of my plan. He has a sister up Keynsham way who wants to buy a property near the coast some time, so she’s going to sell up and live here while I’m away, until she can find a little place for herself. I’ve been to see Aunt Vi, and she’s more than happy about the arrangements.’

  ‘I see. It seems as if it’s all cut and dried then, and everyone knew but me,’ she said, more hurt by this than anything else so far.

  ‘I didn’t want to tell you until we’d had our Christmas together, Carrie. I thought you’d still be working at Clifton, and that the day would be busy with your family. I didn’t want to upset you.’

  ‘And of course you knew it would upset me.’

  He gave a heavy sigh. ‘Of course I knew. But this is man’s business, Carrie, and if you don’t like it, then I’m sorry. All I can tell you is that it won’t last for ever.’

  ‘You can guarantee that, can you? Or will this kind of thing happen every time a travelling fair comes to town, and somebody dangles the bait?’

  He looked at her steadily, and dropped her hands.

  ‘That’s something we’ll just have to wait and see, isn’t it?’ he said.

  She knew she had goaded him into the reply, but it didn’t help. Her stomach had turned more today than she had believed possible. Good news or bad news was stomach-churning, she thought, and there had been more than enough of both lately. She had arrived here full of excitement, and she was leaving in a fit of depression. And apart from John’s fisticuffs job, which she hated, he would be gone for four months. The wry thought surged into her head that if their wedding was to go ahead, at least it would give him time for his cuts and bruises to heal before they walked down the aisle … if their wedding was to go ahead …

  ‘I think I had better go,’ she said in a tight voice. ‘I want to see Elsie before it gets dark, to arrange about Christmas Day.’

  ‘I’ll walk with you.’

  ‘No, don’t. There’s no need for it, and I think I’d rather be alone.’

  They were a step apart, when without warning John gave a low oath and pulled her back into his arms. She could smell the freshness of his skin against her own, and her eyes stung with tears as his voice roughened.

  ‘Don’t take on so, Carrie sweet. I’m doing this for us both. This time next year, you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. We’ll be well set up by then, and I promise there’ll be no more fighting once I’ve got the new boat.’

  She wanted to believe him so much. And with his mouth seeking hers, it was so easy to be swayed into thinking that professional fighting was only a job after all. Plenty of others did it, and didn’t end up with half their brains bashed in … but she would miss him so badly.

  Everything was changing, she thought, and nothing ever stayed the same. They all moved on, except for Carrie herself, who seemed to be moving backwards.

  It was one more depressing thought to accompany her down the hill towards the river when she’d finally said good-bye to John, promising to be in a better humour by Christmas Day, and belatedly sending her regards to his uncle.

  * * *

  She knew Elsie would be glad to see her. She could pour out all her irritation into Elsie’s ears, and get the usual cheerful no-nonsense response that would probably have them arguing in five minutes flat, but wouldn’t be half as emotional as her arguments with John.

  That was the worst of it when you argued with a lover. The emotions were far too involved to keep things on a level keel. Whereas an argument with Elsie was a good old ping-pong affair to clear the air, with neither of them taking any permanent offence.

  She had to go a bit cautiously, though. She had forgotten Elsie’s infatuation with Wilf, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to take it once she knew that he was officially walking out with Nora Woolley. She decided to tell Elsie this news first, and she eyed her uneasily as she did so. But she was surprised and relieved by Elsie’s matter-of-fact attitude that if a thing was settled, then you just looked around for something else.

  ‘Well, that’s that, then,’ Elsie said airily, when she was told the news. ‘I s’pose I always knew he weren’t for me, and I daresay they’ll make a good pair. He don’t ever speak much, do he? And from what I recall of the namby-pamby miss, she never had much to say for herself neither.’

  ‘That’s right,’ Carrie agreed, preferring to let Elsie think what she would, as long as she didn’t go all po-faced over losing Wilf to another girl. And as long as she didn’t brood over it once she was left here in the cottage alone.

  Carrie glanced around while they were talking. Elsie never thought to offer drinks. She had little idea of homemaking, and how her old granpa had survived as long as he did was a mystery to Carrie. The place was shabby and rarely cleaned. The windows were so grimy you could hardly see through them, but as far as Elsie was concerned, it was just a place to eat and sleep in. She fussed over herself, but not the cottage.

  Carrie certainly wouldn’t have wanted to live here alone, so close to the waterfront, with all the human flotsam in the vicinity. But Elsie didn’t seem to have many nerves in her body, and had simply refused to move away after her granpa died, and since the rent was minimal it served her purpose. She never seemed to need anybody, Carrie thought, half in admiration, and half in annoyance.

  ‘So what else has been happening lately? You’re still at the beck and call of your fancy piece, I s’pose?’ Elsie said brightly, when the silence between them became awkward.

  ‘Not any more. That was summat else I was going to tell you,’ Carrie said, and saw Elsie’s eyes widen.

  ‘What happened, then?’ she taunted. ‘Did my lady suspect you of dipping your fingers in her jewel-box, like the one before you?’

  ‘Of course not! She’s got this new Honourable making up to her now, and she wanted me in attendance when she went off to his country estate for Christmas until the New Year. I refused to go, so I was told to leave.’ It didn’t sound quite so brave, said so baldly, and Elsie clearly thought the same.

  ‘Are you completely dippy or summat?’ she demanded. ‘You’d have been well set up there, girl, if her ladyship ends up married to an Honourable. What in hell’s name possessed you to refuse?’

  ‘Ma, of course. Ma’s babby’s due at the turn of the year, and she looks so poorly now, and so heavy, that I’m sure it could happen any time. And besides —’ she hadn’t yet put her fears into words, but suddenly they all came pouring out. ‘I’ve got a real bad feeling about this birthing, Elsie. I keep thinking we ain’t never going to see it laugh or hear it cry, and the only time we’ll spend with it is seeing it laid out in one of the little coffins Pa makes.’

  There. She had said it all now, and she wasn’t even aware of how her shoulders seemed to be shaking so badly, or how Elsie’s rough hands with the whiff of fish on them were shaking them even more. Her head spun for a minute, and she saw Elsie’s eyes glaring into hers.

  ‘Good God almighty! You must be going dafter’n I thought to get such stupid ideas! Your Ma don’t know you feel like this, do she? And she ain’t expecting nothing bad to happen, is she?’

  ‘N
o. And you’re not to breathe a word of this to anyone, mind,’ Carrie said sharply. ‘It’s just me. It’s just — oh, everything happening at once, I suppose. I’m happy for Wilf, and I’m glad and sorry all at the same time about leaving Miss Barclay. It wasn’t all bad, Elsie, and at least Cook was always kind to me. But now there’s John’s news.’

  She gave a great shuddering sniff, feeling truly as if the weight of the world was on her shoulders, and despising herself for such weakness. It was not the stuff of the Stuckey family. Ma would never give in to such weakness, not even when she was aching all over and weary of carrying the babby.

  ‘So what’s he done then? It surely can’t be too bad. Not your wonderful John!’ Elsie said, trying to tease her out of the doldrums.

  Carrie told her quickly, unable to bear this mockery, however well-meant. And Elsie, as ever, was more practical about the news.

  ‘Well, that ain’t so bad. At least he ain’t going for ever, and he still means to marry you, don’t he?’

  ‘Yes, but —’

  ‘Well then, stop bleating, and just be glad you’ve got a good man to look after you,’ Elsie said, in sudden irritation.

  ‘He won’t be here to look after me —’

  ‘He will when he gets that new boat of his.’ Elsie’s eyes took on a faraway look. ‘Do you think he’ll take me on one of these trips if I ask him? Maybe he’ll even take his boat across to Wales. I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these towns my boyos keep telling me about.’

  As if the words were a trigger, there was a sudden shifting in her attitude, and Carrie had the distinct feeling that she wanted to get her out of the cottage. She had glanced at the old clock in the corner of the room, as if she was expecting somebody. There was no reason why Elsie shouldn’t have other friends, though Carrie had never heard her mention another girl’s name in friendship. But it was time to go, anyway. She had been away from home too long, and she wanted to be sure Ma wasn’t taxing herself with any of the household chores.