by Tiana Laveen
Dante stepped back, his eyes wide. “What are you talking about? What shit?!”
“Don’t fuckin’ play with me, Dante! These crackheads are everywhere. I found your little snort money!” He threw the dollar bill at his brother. It hit the guy’s chest and rolled down onto the floor. “How could ya, man? Why would you do this?!!!”
Dante slumped down on his bed and dropped his head as if ashamed. Both were quiet for what felt like an eternity.
“I’m sorry, Tony…” he said, finally breaking the silence. “I know ya look up to me… I let cha down. I tried it just once, a couple months ago. I don’t do it all the time. I promise.” He looked back up, tears in his eyes. “Don’t tell Ma, all right? She’ll go ape shit. It’s just recreational for me, not an all the time thing.”
“I don’t believe ya, Dante. I wanna believe ya, but I don’t!”
His brother gripped the edge of the bed, his knuckles turning white. Dante’s eyes glossed over and then he closed them.
“Look at cha? You don’t lose twenty fuckin’ pounds from recreational use. This is a habit! Ya look terrible, man! Ya been stealin’, losing everything. What about you going to trade school, huh? Movin’ back to Jersey? It’s almost time for ya to graduate. Your grades slipped. I figured it was because you were stressed out about losing your job. “You were makin’ all As and Bs and Mom flipped the fuck out a few days ago when the teacher called her and said you had missed a lot of days lately. I don’t know why I didn’t see what was going on! FUCK!” Tony grabbed his hair by both hands and spun around. The world became fuzzy, colored in shades of gloom and agony. “We’re all we had! We’re all the hell we had!”
Suddenly, he felt his brother’s thin frame press against him, hugging him. Dante was still strong, regardless of his appearance. It was a tight hug, one that kept him in place… one filled with regret.
“I’m sorry, Tony… I know. I’ll stop, okay? I promise.” He slowly released him. They placed their hands along each other’s shoulders and looked one another in the eye. “I’m serious. It’s gotten outta hand. I’ll admit it. I’m done with it, okay?”
Tony nodded. Dante suddenly raced to one of his bedroom dressers and pulled open the top drawer. Inside was a pipe, lighter, and a small baggie of the same powdery shit. He handed it all over to Tony as tears streamed down his face.
“You snort and smoke it too, Dante?! Jesus Christ of Nazareth! You’re doin’ rock? Free basin’? It’s comin’ in and outta both fuckin’ ends! This gets worse and worse! That was that smell a few weeks ago, wasn’t it? When Mom said the house smelled like tires and you said you were workin’ on her car and brought one of the tires inside for a second. You lied, didn’t you?” Tony asked in disbelief.
Dante gave a weak nod, then pulled out another drawer and removed his marijuana rolling papers to hand those to him, too.
“I’m done, Tony. I mean it. I never wanna hurt Mom or you.”
“Yeah? Well, you know what sucks most? Mom said she had a dream a few nights ago that you were dead. You were dead as a doornail, lyin’ right next to Dad! She was all shaken up about it, said she can’t lose anyone else. You know she likes you better than me.”
“Awww fuck, Tony!” Dante placed his hands on his head and spun around. “Do you really need to start up that shit again at a time like this? I told ya I was sorry!”
“Nah, hear me out. She loves us both the same, I’m not raggin’ on Mom, but she likes you better ’cause you never caused her much trouble, ya see? You were the good kid, the one who did what he was supposed to do; or at least, you played it off well. I, on the other hand, would push my luck sometimes. Life got boring if I didn’t. I’m always looking for somethin’ to get into. I looked up to you not just ’cause you were my big brother, Dante, but because I wanted to be like you!
“You were cool! You had a way with girls and you knew a lot of shit. I wanted to be at peace with myself. I never have been, ever. Even before dad died. You’ve always been so fuckin’ calm, while I was the hothead. I was learning from you, man! You taught me things about chicks, cars, the whole nine! Hell, I got my first jimmy hat from you. I sure as hell couldn’t ask Mom or Dad to help me out.” Dante smiled at him sadly. “It was you who talked to my teacher in sixth grade when I got in trouble, convinced her I needed another chance before she went and called Mom about me goofing off in class. It was you who beat up that kid that used to harass me in the third grade. We’re only a little over a year apart in age, but you stood like a giant, like you were ten years my senior… and everyone respected ya. I’m scared for ya, Dante…”
“Don’t be. I’ll make it right. Look, Tony, this place has changed us.”
“Did it? I don’t know about that anymore. Maybe we were already this way, and this place just shed a bit of light on it… The sun doesn’t just rise in New jersey; it shines in Hell Glade, too…”
CHAPTER TEN
A Lick and a Promise
“But I thought she’d be back by now?” Tony’s brows bunched as he noted the time on his Casio watch, then slid off his multi-colored jacket and hung it over his arm.
“Baby, she at that library wit’ Danica and some other girls. They got some big project for English class.”
“Yeah, she told me about it, I remember… it just seems to be taking a while.” He glanced at his watch again, hoping she was okay. It was getting late. He hated how his stomach turned to knots whenever he didn’t know where the hell she was. So much messed up shit had been happening as of late, he was constantly anticipating the worst.
If Grandmama isn’t worried, I shouldn’t be either.
“You know how Cassidy is, Tony.” Grandmama chuckled as she stirred a huge pot of bubbling broth. He could see their warped reflections in the dented metal vessel. It smelled delicious and he wondered what was inside. “Put her ’round a bunch of books and you may not see her again ’til the year 3020.” His lips curled upwards at the old woman’s amusing yet truthful words. “She should be back soon. No need of you standin’ there looking like a mannequin. Go on and have uh seat.”
“Thanks.” He pulled out a chair from the table.
“You hungry, baby?”
“You know I’m hungry. I’m always hungry and if I wasn’t starving, I’d still want to eat whatever you were cooking just because it’s you doing the cooking. There could be a bicycle in that pot for all I know and I’d still give it a try; you’d find a way to season it just right.” The woman chuckled loud, then pulled out a third white ceramic bowl from a cupboard and set it down next to two others. “This right here is Cassidy’s favorite dinner. Trust me, she ain’t gonna miss this.”
“Chicken and rice?”
“Nah, she likes chicken ’nd rice, but she loves her some gumbo. I don’t make it that often. To do it right, it takes time—we talkin’ at least a few hours. And you gotta have the best ingredients, everything fresh. Some folks make it outta leftovers, and that’s fine, too, but it’s better like this. I got lucky and snagged some shrimp on sale.”
“How’d you learn to cook like this?” He sniffed the air and immediately felt that invisible blanket fall over him, weaved from instant emotional warmth. “I’ve been eating your food and loving it so much. So does my mom. She’s always happy when I bring a plate home to her. She says thank you for the lasagna last week, by the way.”
Grandmama grabbed a big canister filled with some type of spices and tapped them into the pot. Next, she pulled out an onion and cut it in thin slices with a big knife.
“You tell yo’ mama she is more than welcome. I’m just gonna add a bit mo’e onion, here. I don’t think I put enough at the beginning. You ’spose to do all this at the beginning, but it’s alright to add a bit more as you go along if need be. Now, as far as how I learned, well, it was passed down from generation to generation. Got the recipe from my mama, she got it from her mama, and so on and so forth. My great-great-grandmother was from Louisiana… a Creole woman. She married her a fine, Black
Christian man… a preacher. They went on and had sixteen chur’ren.”
“Damn. I mean, wow…”
She shook her head and grinned as she picked up what appeared to be black pepper and sprinkled it in the pot.
“Uh, Grandmama, can I ask you a question? This has nothing to do with food, believe it or not.”
“You can. What is it?” She scrubbed her hands with a bar of soap, rinsed them, then grabbed a hand towel and patted them dry.
“Cass doesn’t talk about her parents much, and I don’t ask, either. She has wanted to know things about my father, and I’ve told but I don’t know…” He shrugged. “She never told me not to ask, but in the past, when I have, it seemed like she shut down a little. I mean, she’ll answer… but it’s not detailed, it’s brief, like she’s in a hurry, not wanting to really talk about it. I could be wrong, but I just let it go.”
“Well,” Grandmama leaned against the sink counter and crossed her ankles. It was then that he noticed how swollen they were. Tonight, she was wearing a pair of flared jeans with elastic at the waist, and a pretty bright pink shirt. “What has she told you ’bout them?”
“All she said was that her parents had her young. They were on drugs and you’ve had her practically her entire life. She said she doesn’t even know where they are and even told me, the last time I brought it up, that she doesn’t care, but… I wonder if she wonders, you know?”
Grandmama grabbed a glass from the dish drying rack and turned on the water from the faucet. She let it flow to the rim then made her way over to the kitchen table, pulling out a chair to sit down. After taking a few sips, she looked at him head on, her beauty, wisdom, and peace shining in her eyes.
“Because I know you and my grandbaby are good friends, and you help watch after her, I’m gonna talk to you about this. I don’t think you askin’ ’cause you nosey. I think you askin’ ’cause you care.” She tapped his hand.
“I do… I really do.”
“All right, let me start from the top. Lemme tell you ’bout my daughter, Cass’s mother. She was a bright child, one of the smartest babies ever, and I ain’t sayin’ that ’cause she was mine. It’s the truth. Hold on a second, I done fuhgot my home trainin’.”
She got up once again, and without asking, poured another glass of water and handed it to him. This time, when she sat down, she removed her glasses from her face and set them on the table next to a napkin dispenser.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” She took a deep breath and ran her hand along her chin. “So, my daughter, Cassandra, was a bright child. Back when she was real little, Belle Glades didn’t have tha problems it has now.”
She shook her head as if suddenly overcome with grief. Perhaps she was. “But when the jobs left, the drugs came… the sugarcane fields can’t sustain everybody. Folks was fightin’ all the time and didn’t nobody care about this little place, this blip on a map.” She tossed up her hand and waved it lazily about while simultaneously rolling her eyes. “Thangs got worse and worse until it was so bad, I ain’t even recognize it anymore. But this is my home.” She shrugged. “I was born here. I met my husband here… Thomas, God rest his soul.”
She reached for her worn Bible in the middle of the table, and ran her hand across the cover with a smile. “He gave me this Bible… love of my life, he was. Good man. Hard working man.” Her lips crimped and her eyes glossed over. “So, back to yo’ question. Cassandra was the oldest, then we had Thomas Henry Jr. Our son died when he was thirteen.”
“Oh… I’m sorry…” She nodded and kept her eyes on that Bible.
“He had a heart problem. We ain’t know about it until it was too late. So, after her brother died, Cassandra started actin’ up. See, they was real close. She was gettin’ in trouble in school, then, before long, she come to me and tell me she droppin’ out. I forbade it, but then she up and moved out. She’d come and go, and every time she’d come, Tony, she’d look worse and worse. My daughter was a beautiful girl! Mo’e beautiful than many, but that beauty was disappearing. Her face looked all sunken in, her behind was gone… no hips, just a damn shame. That’s when I knew she was on that mess.”
She chewed her lower lip as if needing a moment.
“Mess? Crack?”
“I believe so. I asked ’er about it, she lied to me, told me she’d never do nothin’ like that. Then she got involved with this dog of a man originally from Jacksonville who moved his silly ass down here. They called him Big Money.” With a huff, she flopped back in her chair and glared at the ceiling. “He ain’t have no big money; that was the joke of the century… broke ass negro! He brought his ass down here to try ’nd cash in on the drug problem, take advantage. I wish I woulduh known he was comin’. I woulda stomped him like a roach. He looked like one, too, and I ain’t one to get on folks’ appearances. We can’t help what we look like, but he tried to act like he was a ladies’ man and he was arrogant, as if he brought somethin’ to the table with his attitude. He ain’t bring nothin’ to the table but a buncha ashiness. If bein’ dusty could earn cash, he woulda been rollin’ n the dough. He was light skin, that ain’t make no sense! You might not know much about this, Tony, but bein’ ashy is a big thing in the Black community. Whoa buddy he ain’t nevah touch no lotion, it was like he was allergic to it. Hands would look like alligator scales, I should’ve turned him into some shoes and walked off with his ass! I’m surprised my daughter didn’t end up in ICU just from his touch alone… cut ’er to the quick.”
Tony quickly put his head down to hide the laughter bubbling within him and begging to escape from his throat. His gut cramped as he tried with all of his might to keep his composure. He could hear the woman sucking her teeth, as if in disgust.
“So anywho, that ol’ worm-lookin’ maggot of a man got my child involved in heavier drugs, heroin, and that was pretty much a done deal. Months later, she come to me frantic, talkin’ about she was pregnant and wanted to get clean. I let ’er move back in. Things was fine at first but then, less than two weeks later, here come Mr. LBP, Little Broke Pennies, knockin’ on the door, talkin’ some nonsense ’bout dat woman carryin’ his seed and he got tha right to be wit’ ’er every step of the way.”
All Tony could do was shake his head. The scenario was far worse than he’d imagined.
“My husband, he was a kind soul… too kind if you ask me… He let that slimy little bug-eyed watermelon-headed crusty ass centipede slide on in here like diarrhea from a baby’s ass and be’foe you know it, she was out in the street again wit’ him. Dis girl went from the smartest Black girl in school around these parts to the bottom of the barrel. I ain’t gonna lie, Tony. I was not only worried for her salvation, I was embarrassed!” She clutched her chest. “I’d had enough. I threatened her, told her she was puttin’ that shit in her system, and it could mess up the baby. My mama was a midwife and I worked as a nursing assistant. I’d seen and heard too many things.
“Then, she straightened up again but she went downhill fast. It was like a broken record, a roller coaster with too many dips and turns, ups and downs, highs and lows. One minute she was fine, the next she wasn’t. Soon enough, she had tha baby, my Cassidy, and she was picture perfect.” Grandmama’s eyes filled with tears as she grinned wide.
He couldn’t help but smile, too, for in that moment he could see the pride and love she had for Cassidy.
“No drugs ’n her system, Tony… Praise the Lord.” Grandmama leaned forward, took her Bible in her heavily-veined hands and squeezed it hard. “My husband got sick and died a few months after that precious miracle came into the world, but at least he got to see Cass before it was all said and done. He was just crazy about her!” Grandmama slapped the table and smiled proudly as she rocked back and forth in her seat. “He’d hold that grandbaby, kiss on her, feed her. He was glowin’! I think that was God’s final gift to him before he took him away…”
She drew quiet for a spell, as if lost in thought.
“W
hat happened next?” Tony found himself so enmeshed in the story, he’d lost track of space and time. He stared into the old woman’s eyes, needing to hear more. Something about the way she spoke and moved filled his soul. Grandmama was funny, and that made it all the better.
“Well, they got set up in an apartment here. Once again, Cassandra promised to turn her life around.”
Tony grimaced. He’d heard that bullshit, too…
“But she slipped back into it, didn’t she?” A part of him hoped and prayed she’d say she hadn’t… then possibly there’d be hope for… never mind.
“Well see, this is what happened. For almost ten months or so, if my recollection serves me correctly, my daughter worked. She kept a clean home, and Cassidy’s father wasn’t partying as much, thangs like that. Then, she started pokin’ ’round here askin’ for money, sayin’ it was for the baby. Naturally, I gave it to her, believed her. I ain’t have no reason not to. I mean…” She shook her head. “She looked healthy! She looked good actually, like her old self. Then she come sniffin’ around, not to visit, but just to ask for more and more money. I saw her body changing and she looked sick all over again. Didn’t take long for me to put two and two together. She tried to blame it on a low appetite, on workin’ so hard, things like that. Lies! I told her she done ruined her life, but she wasn’t fixin’ to ruin that innocent baby’s, too.”
She shook her finger in his direction, as if he were the one being scolded. He felt himself shrinking in his chair a little.
“What did you do?” He took a long swallow of his water.
“I marched my behind right down to the courthouse and filed paperwork to get that baby away from the circus she was in. Cassandra cussed me, she was just that mad. I was everything but a child of God. I ain’t nevah been so many bitches and witches in all my life! Told me I ain’t give a damn about her. That hurt, but I tried to pay it no mind. I knew it was the drugs talkin’, not her. I told ’er her daddy would roll over in his grave if he thought I’d sit back idly and didn’t move nair one muscle to get that baby outta that hellhole they called their lives. I spoke to the judge and Cassandra when it was time for our case. We had a heart-to-heart right before the hearing. My daughter broke down crying and finally admitted it was for the best.”