The bed creaked as he sat down beside her. Lauren shifted but didn’t turn over. “You okay?” she asked, trying to keep her voice neutral.
“Fine.” Xairn cleared his throat. “Much better now that…much better.”
“You mean you’re better since you took care of yourself?” Lauren rolled over to face him and propped a hand under her head.
“Well…” Xairn cleared his throat. “Yes,” he said at last. “That is what I mean.”
“You didn’t have to do that, you know.” Lauren touched him lightly on the arm and he twitched, as though he was trying not to pull away. It hurt her feelings but she made an effort not to show it. “I would have helped you at the very least,” she said softly. “I mean, even if you didn’t want to…to make love—”
“I didn’t want your help,” he said stiffly.
“I see.” Lauren withdrew, feeling like he’d slapped her. “Sorry for offering.”
“No, I didn’t mean it that way. I just…” Xairn ran a hand through his hair in obvious frustration. “I was afraid. I had to leave because—”
“Because you didn’t want to hurt me,” she said flatly. “I know. You’re so sure I’m going to break the minute you touch me you have to bolt out of the room as soon as things get a little intense.” She knew she wasn’t exactly being fair but she felt hurt—rejected.
“You don’t understand,” he said in a low voice.
“Yes, I do,” Lauren insisted. “But Xairn honey…” Sitting up, she reached out to caress his cheek. “I’m a big girl. I can handle a little rough sex.”
“A little rough sex?” He turned to her and in the dim lighting she could see that his eyes had gone red-on-black again. His red pupils were glowing like rings of fire, blazing in the darkness like a demon’s. “A little rough sex?” His voice was a low, threatening growl. “Is that all you think I want from you?”
“Well, I—”
Suddenly he was on top of her, his big body pinning her to the bed. “Do you have any idea of the things I want to do to you?” he demanded. “Of the urges I have? The desires I’m fighting every minute, every second I’m with you?”
“Xairn, please…” Lauren tried to struggle but it was useless. He was too big and heavy on top of her. She bit her lip as she felt the hard ridge of his cock dig into her thigh.
“Every time you touch me, I want you,” he growled, looking into her eyes. “I want you like this, Lauren. Under me. Helpless. Your legs spread, your arms tied above your head so you can’t move…can’t get away no matter what I do to you.”
He thrust against her and his shaft found the cleft of her sex. Lauren moaned as he parted her pussy lips through the thin cotton panties and rubbed relentlessly over her throbbing clit.
“Xairn, please…” she gasped breathlessly. The fear inside her was being overtaken by a perverse kind of pleasure now. He’d touched her so gently earlier, had stroked her clit so tenderly until she came, and Lauren had enjoyed it immensely—until he ran away, that was. Now, though she sensed he was still holding back greatly from using all of his immense strength, he was being rough. And strangely, it was turning her on.
“Please, what?” he demanded, grinding against her again. He forced her hands above her head and pinned both wrists to the mattress with one large hand. “I thought you didn’t mind this, Lauren. It’s just ‘a little rough sex.’ Isn’t that what you said?”
Fear and pleasure rolled through her in a confusing mixture of emotions. “I…I didn’t mean I wanted you to rape me!” she protested.
Xairn released her and rolled off immediately. “Yes, and that’s what it amounts to, doesn’t it? Rape.” He sat on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his hands, his broad shoulders hunched miserably. “An ugly word for an even uglier action. Gods, Lauren…”
“Xairn…” Lauren’s body still throbbed with the intimate contact but she had no time to think about that now. She tried to push aside the strange feelings she’d had while he was pinning her to the bed and just focus on him. “Xairn,” she said again, reaching out to touch him.
Xairn flinched but didn’t pull away. Lauren ignored the involuntary movement and wrapped both arms around him from behind. Pressing her cheek to his shoulder, she held him.
Xairn stiffened in her arms. “Let me go,” he said in a low voice. “Before I hurt you.”
“You’re not going to hurt me,” Lauren insisted. “And I’m not afraid of you—no matter how you try to scare me.”
“I wasn’t trying to scare you,” he said roughly. “I was just showing you a small part of the desires I keep locked inside. Letting the beast out of the cage for just a moment.”
“You’re not a beast.” Lauren hugged him tightly. “You’re my Xairn and I love you.”
“I love you too.” He sighed. “Which is why I ought to go now, before I hurt you. Before I do something we’ll both regret as long as we live.”
“Don’t you dare!” Lauren let go of him and scooted off the bed. Grabbing him by the hand she demanded, “Come with me!”
Xairn stood up and allowed himself to be dragged to the door. “If you want me to leave your living space, you have only to say so,” he protested. “I don’t blame you and I will go at once without being forcibly ejected.”
“I’m not ejecting you.” Lauren was torn between love and exasperation.
“Then where are we going?” Xairn gave her a confused look as she dragged him out of the condo and around back to where the Kindred ship/car was parked.
“You’re going to give me the keys.” Lauren stopped beside the small silver car and held out her hand.
He frowned. “Forgive me, Lauren, but you don’t know how to fly this vehicle.”
“I don’t want to fly it. I just want to make sure you don’t fly away in it. So give me the keys so I can be sure you won’t just up and leave and go someplace I can never find you.”
Xairn shook his head. “Kindred ships don’t work like that. There is no ‘key’ to start the ship.”
“Then give me a piece of the engine. Something small I can hold onto but you can’t get away without it. Like a sparkplug or something.” Lauren held out her hand insistently. “I mean it, Xairn. Now.”
He gave her a long look, then shrugged and lifted the hood of the engine compartment. After rummaging around for a moment, he produced a small silver ring and wiped it on his shirt. “Here.” He held it out to her. “The O-ring from the hydrogen scoop mechanism. The ship will be unable to start without it.”
“Perfect.” Lauren took the ring from him and examined it in the light from the sodium arc lamp overhead. It was very small and surprisingly elegant for an engine part. After a moment’s deliberation, she slid it onto her left ring finger where it fit perfectly. “There.” She looked up at Xairn. “That’s not exactly how I imagined it when I pictured getting a ring from the man I love, but oh well. The important thing is you’re not going anywhere.”
“I don’t think this is a wise idea, Lauren,” he protested as they walked back into the condo. “I think I should go before—”
She held up a hand. “Please don’t start that again. Come on.” She led him across the room and pushed him down to site on the side of the bed. Then she stood in front of him, hands on her hips.
He looked up at her, his eyes filled with dejection, his big shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry, Lauren,” he said in a low voice. “Sorry that I don’t know how to give you what you need without losing control.”
“Oh, baby…” Lauren shook her head and sat down beside him. “You know what the problem is?” she said, rubbing his back soothingly. “You’re not a monster and you’re not a beast—you just have trouble telling the difference between sexual and non-sexual touching.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean there’s a difference between giving someone a hug and wanting to fuck their brains out,” Lauren said bluntly. She sighed. “I can see why this is a problem for you—you had a reall
y dysfunctional childhood to say the least. But I think with a little work we can move past it.”
“I don’t know.” Xairn shook his head. “And I don’t know understand how there can be different kinds of touching. All I know is that I don’t want to touch anyone but you. And when I do touch you, or you touch me, it makes me feel…” He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat.
“Feel like what?” Lauren encouraged. It was good they were talking about this, getting it out in the open.
“Feel like I want to…to do what I told you earlier.” He looked down at his hands. “Like I want to take you—bond you to me forever.”
“You’re talking about bonding sex? Where your, uh, both your…” Lauren cleared her throat. “Both your pieces of equipment are engaged?”
“Yes.” He looked up at her. “It would tie us together forever—form an unbreakable bond that could never be severed.”
“And you don’t want that with me?” Lauren tried not to feel hurt. “I mean, I know it’s really early in our relationship to be talking about a permanent commitment but I love you, Xairn. The idea of being with you forever doesn’t scare me.”
“It should.” He shook his head. “You have no idea how savage bonding sex with a Scourge can be. You’re a human female and you’re not built to withstand it—I won’t do that to you, Lauren.”
“So what are you saying?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “That we can never be together that way? Never make love?”
“It’s not making love.” His voice dropped to a growl. “It’s fucking rape. I won’t do it to you—I can’t.”
“Xairn…”
“In fact, I think it would be best if we curtailed our sexual activity for the time being.” He looked at her earnestly. “Just to be safe.”
Lauren repressed a sigh. “Okay, honey, I understand that you want to take it slow. How about this—only nonsexual touching for awhile.”
“I don’t think we should touch at all. Every time I touch you feels sexual to me,” Xairn protested.
“Right,” said Lauren firmly. “And if you don’t get used to it—desensitized to it—it always will. You need to be able to hold my hand or kiss my cheek without getting a hard-on. So look…” She stood up and placed herself in front of him again. “Here and here are off limits,” she said, pointing to her breasts and the area between her legs. “Okay?”
Xairn looked unhappy but he nodded. “All right.”
“I won’t touch your erogenous zones either,” Lauren promised. “But I will touch you everywhere else and I want you to touch me to. I want us to hold hands and hug and snuggle. I want to play with your hair and kiss your cheek and be affectionate without being sexual. And I want you to do the same thing with me.”
Xairn frowned. “But—”
“No buts.” Lauren tugged him to his feet. “Now hug me,” she ordered. “Hold me tight and promise me you won’t give up on us.”
Hesitantly, Xairn held out his arms. “All right.”
“Good.” Lauren stepped into his embrace. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him down and kissed his cheek. “I love you, Xairn. We’re going to get through this together.”
“I love you too,” he whispered. Suddenly his arms tightened around her and he crushed her to him. “So much, Lauren.” His voice was tight. “Too much, I fear.”
Though his embrace made her ribs creak, Lauren didn’t struggle. Instead she rubbed her cheek against his and relaxed into the hug. “You can’t love someone too much,” she whispered, trying to reassure him. “It’s okay, baby. Everything is going to be okay.”
* * * * *
Xairn hoped she was right but he was desperately afraid she wasn’t. Even after his earlier, painful release, holding her fragile, soft body in his arms still made him hard all over again. The warm, sweet scent of her skin and hair, the feeling of her pressed against him, was almost more than he could stand. And she wanted to do this and more every day. Wanted to kiss and hold and hug and touch constantly—Gods, even with the human DNA bonded to his own, how was he going to control himself?
Xairn knew she thought he would get used to it, to having constant physical contact with him, but that wasn’t the way the Scourge physiology was set up. Touching—no matter how minor—meant sex. But of course, nothing about his relationship with Lauren mirrored the traditional Scourge pairing. She wasn’t tied to the bed or kept in a cage all day until he wanted to fuck her, for one thing. And she wasn’t wearing his marks of possession—a fact which shouldn’t have bothered him but did. He didn’t want to hurt her but he did want her wearing something that proved she was his.
His eyes dropped involuntarily to the place where her name was burned into his chest. Lauren’s black hair covered most of the brand but he could still see a few loops of her signature through the silky strands. It doesn’t matter if she wears my name, he told himself. Because I wear hers. I belong to her—heart, body and soul. If this is what she wishes—for me to hold her, touch her—then that is what I will do. What I must do.
He would learn control for her sake. He would touch her and kiss her and receive her caresses without allowing them to push him over the edge. And no matter how many times a day he had to slip into the bathroom and give himself a painful, private release, he would do it. Anything was better than hurting the female he loved.
Anything.
Chapter Twenty-one
Nadiah’s own screams woke her. “No, no! Please let her go! Please! Please!”
“Nadiah?” Sylvan was suddenly in the room with her, his piercing blue eyes scanning the shadows for threats. “What happened?”
Sophia was right behind him. “I think she just had a bad dream.” She sat on the bed beside Nadiah and pulled her into her arms. “Hush, it’s okay. It’s all right now,” she murmured, patting her back.
Nadiah clung to her, sobbing breathlessly. She hadn’t wanted to take the offer of a spare room in their suite for fear of intruding but now she was glad Sophia had pressed her to accept. “He’s torturing her,” she gasped, trying to breathe through her sobs. “He’s hurting her—sucking her dry.”
“Who is torturing who?” Sylvan asked, coming to stand at the foot of the bed.
“The evil one—he was wearing a hood and he had glowing red eyes. That was all I could see of him but he was torturing the girl who looks like Lauren. The one I saw in my last dream.” Nadiah blotted her eyes on a corner of the sheet and tried to catch her breath.
“The AllFather.” Sylvan looked grim.
“And you’re sure it wasn’t Lauren?” Sophia asked anxiously.
Nadiah shook her head. “Definitely not. I got a good look at her face this time.” Just remembering the agonized expression on the poor girl’s face was enough to make her start crying again. Grimly, she tried to hold back the tears.
“Did you see the giants again? The ones you saw in your other dream?” Sophia wanted to know.
“No.” Nadiah blotted her eyes again. “Nothing like that. She wasn’t on Earth. She was inside a ship and there were wires running under her skin. She was attached to some kind of huge viewscreen. Images were flashing across it—terrible images.” She shivered. “I had the feeling they were her memories but twisted somehow. Made false and bitter.”
“It sounds like what he did to Baird,” Sylvan said, frowning. “Projecting the memories and then twisting them into falsehoods.”
“Is there anything we can do for her?” Sophia asked. “Would the council allow anyone to try a rescue attempt?”
Sylvan shook his head. “Even if they would, the Scourge Fathership is all but impenetrable. You’d have to have inside knowledge of the codes and tracking devices to get anywhere near it.”
“But Baird was able to get in when they took Olivia,” Sophia protested.
Sylvan sighed. “He was let in because he was offering a life for a life—a krik-ka-re . The AllFather relishes such agonizing deals.” He looked at Nadiah regretfully. “I’ll sp
eak to the Council but I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do for the girl in your dream.”
“The person you ought to be talking to is that stupid detective,” Sophia burst out. “If he had listened to Nadiah in the first place, this might not have happened. I mean, maybe the police could have prevented it somehow.”
“That’s true.” Sylvan looked thoughtful. “At the very least I should follow up with him. “I’ll place a call to him tomorrow morning—that will be afternoon on his part of Earth.” He looked at Nadiah. “In the mean time, you should try to get some more sleep, daughter of my mother’s sister. You may feel better if you do.”
“I’ll try but…poor girl. Oh Goddess, I can’t stand to think of it but I can’t get it out of my head.” Nadiah looked up at him imploringly. “Sylvan, won’t you please sing me the sleep song? The one you used to sing when I had nightmares as a child?”
Sophia looked at him in obvious surprise. “You used to sing Nadiah to sleep?”
Sylvan looked embarrassed. “Only when she was very young. I used to watch her sometimes when her parents went out to functions.”
“So you were her babysitter,” Sophia said.
Sylvan looked shocked. “I never sat on her! No matter how willful she was.”
Nadiah looked at her with interest. “Is that how you discipline children on Earth when they’re naughty? You sit on them?”
“No, of course not. I just meant…oh, never mind.” Sophia shook her head. “The point is, Sylvan, you were Nadiah’s caretaker.”
“My favorite one. Sylvan always let me get away with just about anything.” Nadiah smiled at the memory.
Sylvan smiled too. “She was always a restless sleeper. Some say that vivid nightmares as a child presage one who will be especially strong in the Sight.”
“I wish I didn’t have the Sight,” Nadiah said, sighing. “I wish I didn’t have to worry about seeing such horrible things every time I close my eyes.”
Brides of the Kindred Volume One Page 147