“Don’t give up hope.” Kat squeezed her arm. “He’s going through a lot right now—he watched his mother die and had to kill his own father. That’s not something you get over right away—even with a crapload of therapy and he still refuses to talk to anyone about it.”
“I know.” Lauren’s eyes filled with tears. “But I want to be there for him—to help him get over what happened. Only he won’t see me, won’t even talk to me on the viewscreen.”
“He’s changed,” Kat said. “A lot. He’s reverted back to how he looked before you guys swapped DNA.”
Lauren shook her head. “I don’t care about that! I just want to be with him. Before he left, he told me he wanted to be with me too. I guess…he changed his mind.”
“Only because he’s afraid he might hurt you. And I have to be honest—I think he might,” Kat said seriously.
“What?” Lauren demanded. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ve been doing some research on the Scourge and the way they have bonding sex,” Kat. “It sounds like you’re in for a rough ride if Xairn does come back to you.”
“I don’t care,” Lauren said passionately. “I’ve thought about that and you know what I decided? It’s worth it. No matter how much it hurts, I’ll go through with it if it means I’ll have Xairn back in my life for good.”
Kat shook her head. “But he thinks the exact opposite—that nothing is worth hurting you, not even a lasting, bonded relationship. So what you need is a way to have bonding sex with him without getting hurt.”
Lauren bit her lip. “I’m afraid that’s probably not going to happen. I don’t want to be crude but you should see the size of his, uh, equipment. And Scourge have two shafts instead of one so if we did have bonding sex—”
“I know,” Kat interrupted, nodding knowingly. “Didn’t I tell you I did some research?”
“And you found a solution?” Lauren asked, raising an eyebrow. She walked over to the convection oven where Olivia’s cupcakes were baking.
“I found out a lot of things,” Kat said mysteriously. “For instance, did you know the original Scourge women actually liked the way they were treated?”
“What?” Lauren frowned. “Xairn told me they were tied up and tortured. Who would like that?”
“There were some abuses of power,” Kat acknowledged, going over to the counter to look at the bowl of pale green frosting Lauren had prepared. “But in a lot of bonded relationships, the female Scourge seemed to genuinely care for their mates and enjoy their sexual relationship. That’s because while the Scourge males were natural Dominants, the Scourge females were natural submissives—it was hardwired into them to enjoy being dominated.”
“Really?” Lauren looked at her with wide eyes, the tray of chocolate cupcakes she was taking out of the oven forgotten. “They…they really liked it?”
Kat shrugged. “It was in their genes. They couldn’t help liking it.”
Lauren looked down at the cupcakes she’d baked especially for her cousin. “Kat, if I tell you something do you promise not to think I’m weird or sick or something?”
“Word of honor.” Kat raised her right hand solemnly. “Go ahead and spill—I’m not the judgmental type.”
Lauren smiled as she put down the cupcakes. “I didn’t think so. The thing is that ever since Xairn has come to stay with me here on Earth I’ve been having these, well…these fantasies. About things I never would have been interested in before.”
“Mm-hmm.” Kat nodded. “Go on.”
“Well, I felt weird about it and kept thinking it was strange and unnatural. I mean, I was raised to be a feminist and never let any man dominate me. So I kept wondering why I was fantasizing about this kind of…thing.”
“About being submissive, you mean?” Kat raised one dark red eyebrow.
Lauren blushed and nodded. “Essentially, yes.” She began removing the cupcakes from their trays, working carefully as she spoke. “As I said, I didn’t know where all this was coming from. But now I realize I’ve only been having these, uh, feelings since Xairn and I had our DNA altered.”
“That makes sense,” Kat said thoughtfully. “You took some of his DNA and he took some of yours, right?”
Lauren nodded. “And I never could figure out what I got out of the exchange. I mean, with Xairn it was obvious—it changed his skin and eye coloring dramatically. But with me, nothing changed except my scent. And the change was so subtle nobody by Xairn could even tell.”
“Maybe you did get something else from the exchange,” Kat said. “If you’ve got Scourge DNA running around inside you, it’s not surprising that you’re having the same kind of urges a Scourge female would when she wanted to have bonding sex with her male.”
“That’s what I’m beginning to think. Whew…” Lauren let out a shaky laugh. “For awhile there I thought I was going crazy or something. I couldn’t figure out why I wanted…what I wanted,” she ended lamely.
“Well, now you know.” Kat grinned. “And I say you should go with those impulses—let your new DNA be your guide.”
“I’d be happy to,” Lauren said with a sigh. “In fact, I’ve already made some, uh, changes in case he comes home. But now I don’t know…” Her throat felt tight but she forced herself to continue. “I don’t know if he ever will.”
“He’ll come back to you,” Kat said confidently. “I’ll have Deep work on him—they seem to have a special connection. I’ll have him tell Xairn he has to at least come say goodbye to you in person. And the minute he gets here—gotcha! You pounce.”
“That all sounds great,” Lauren said doubtfully as she began to frost the chocolate cupcakes with the pale green frosting. They were still warm so she put on a lot of icing, letting some of it melt into the cake. “But I’m pretty sure he’ll refuse to, uh, do anything. Especially if he thinks he’s going to hurt me.”
“But he won’t hurt you.” Kat snapped her fingers. “Can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you the most important part. I brought you a secret weapon.” She patted the large purse she was carrying over one arm.
“A secret weapon?” Laure looked at the purse doubtfully. “Like some kind of special gun I can hold on him to make him take me?”
Kat laughed. “Of course not! Let’s just say it’s something to get you ready for his visit—something that will allow you to have bonding sex with him without pain or injury.” She winked. “And I promise you, it works.”
Lauren had been working as they talked and now she let out a breath and put down the last cupcake. “Really? You’re sure?”
“I’ve tested it myself extensively.” Kat smiled. “It’s foolproof and delicious. And speaking of delicious…” Reaching out, she snagged one of the chocolate, green-frosted cupcakes off the tray Lauren was holding. “I’m sure Liv won’t miss just one.”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Lauren said but Kat had already taken a big bite of the cupcake.
“Mmm-mmm…ugh!” She swallowed with difficulty and looked up at Lauren. “I don’t want to be rude but your mint chocolate cupcakes could use some work.”
“My mint chocolate cupcakes are delicious—but those aren’t mint chocolate.” Lauren nodded at the half eaten cupcake in Kat’s hand.
“Not mint chocolate? Then what the hell are they?”
“It’s a new flavor I call ‘pregnant lady surprise.” Lauren grinned. “They’re devil’s food chocolate cake…with dill pickle icing.”
“Oh my God!” Kat made a face and then started laughing. “You know what? Liv is absolutely going to love these.”
“I have some other flavors that I baked this morning I think you’ll love.” Lauren nodded at the door. “Come on, let’s go give her these.”
As they walked through the doorway back into the main room she couldn’t help casting a sidelong glance at Kat and wondering what her friend meant by a ‘secret weapon’ and if she would ever get a chance to use it.
* * * * *
“So
you’re just going to run away without a backward glance.” Deep’s voice rang out, echoing in the vast docking bay.
“What?” Xairn turned from the small space cruiser he’d been given as a gift from the Kindred High Council. It was a token of their appreciation. In effect, he and the warriors who had helped him had ended the Scourge threat—the war was over. The Council had offered him much more than the small ship but he had declined. He didn’t want riches or fame—he just wanted to go.
“I said, you’re running away.” Deep came up beside him and patted the little ship’s sleek silver side.
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Xairn said stiffly. “I have fulfilled my obligations here. I have buried my mother in your sacred grove and seen my father’s body jettisoned into space. I have spoken to your Council and given them the codes to the Fathership so that they can do as they see fit with the rest of the vat grown and the urlich that remain. What else is there to do?”
“What else is there to do?” Deep raised an eyebrow at him. “Come on, Brother, you know very well what else there is to do. Don’t play the fool with me.”
Xairn frowned. “I am no fool. And I am not your brother so do not refer to me as such.”
“You’re right.” Xairn crossed his arms over his chest. “I’d be ashamed to have a brother who was such a coward.”
“First you call me a fool and then you call me a coward?” Xairn glared at him. “Have a care, Kindred. My patience has limits.”
“The humans have a saying, you know,” Deep continued, ignoring his threat. “They say, ‘it takes one to know one.’ I’m calling you a coward because you’re acting the same way I did and you’re making the same mistake I made.”
“Oh? And what was that?” Xairn demanded.
“You’re running away from the one female in the universe who was made for you—the one being who makes your life meaningful.” Deep sighed. “Remember how when we met back on the Scourge home world, I actually wanted you to use the psychic knife on Kat and Lock and myself?”
Xairn nodded. “I thought at the time that it was a strange request.”
“A stupid request, more like,” Deep said savagely. “I was taking the coward’s way out—running from Kat. I had convinced myself we didn’t belong together—that she would be better off without me. But that wasn’t true.”
“If you’re making a reference to my relationship with Lauren, the truth is she would be better off without me,” Xairn said. “I’m leaving to avoid causing her pain—both emotional and physical.”
“Physical? You really think you can’t trust yourself with the woman you love?” Deep demanded.
“You said it yourself when we met—Scourge are depraved. We’re sexual beasts—natural dominants. So no, I can’t trust myself.” Xairn fitted his hand to the side of the ship and watched as the smart metal melted around his palm and the hatch opened. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go.”
“What if I told you there was a way for you to have bonding sex with your female without hurting her?”
Deep’s words stopped him dead in his tracks. He turned to face the other male. “What are you talking about?”
“I said, there’s a way you can bond her to you without hurting her. Kat has already talked to her about it.”
Xairn frowned. “You have such a thing?”
“Think about it,” Deep said. “We Twin Kindred always share a female and we’re all much better endowed than any human male our females might have been with before. If we didn’t have a way to have bonding sex without causing injury, our branch of the Kindred would have died off long before.”
For a long moment Xairn considered it. Then he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. My issue isn’t just about hurting her—it’s the shame and humiliation that go along being dominated. I don’t…don’t want to subject her to the kinds of degradations my Scourge instincts urge me to perform.”
“Maybe you should ask her how she feels about being submissive before you decide it’s not what she wants,” Deep said. “Some females enjoy sexual role playing—many Kindred brides included. We even have a Law of Conduct which allows each Kindred male to ‘punish’ his bride for infractions.” He smiled. “I promise you, it leads to some interesting scenarios.”
Xairn shook his head. “You truly do not understand. What my nature urges me to do is not role playing or any kind of scenario. It’s a constant, never ending state of sexual domination. And I wouldn’t dominate Lauren for ‘fun,’ I’d do it because I couldn’t help myself. Even if…even if she didn’t want me to.” He sighed. “No, it’s better just to leave.” He turned to swing into the cockpit but once again Deep’s voice stopped him.
“Without even saying goodbye?”
Xairn turned back again. “I said my goodbyes to her the night I left to confront my father.”
“But not your final goodbyes.” Deep frowned. “I’d stake my life you swore you would come back to her. Well, didn’t you?”
Xairn shifted uncomfortably. “That was…before. Before I reverted to my true nature.”
Deep raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you really going to stand there and tell me that you don’t think you can trust yourself enough to at least say goodbye in person? Because I don’t believe that, Xairn. You’re no ravening beast, no matter what you may believe about yourself.” He put a hand on Xairn’s shoulder. “At least see her once more and tell her why you must go. You owe her that much.”
Xairn had been ready to shake off the Kindred’s hand and leave but now he felt his shoulder’s slump as Deep’s words hit home. “You are right,” he said heavily. “Lauren and I have been through a lot together. I do owe it to her to say goodbye in person.”
“Go then…Brother.” Deep stepped back and nodded. “The Goddess go with you and grant you wisdom.”
“Thank you.” Xairn sighed and climbed into the ship. He saw Deep still watching him as the cockpit sealed itself behind him. It should be evening on Earth right now—he could make a quick side trip to see Lauren at her home and then plot a course for a far distant star—one where she would never find him.
Gods Lauren, he thought as he guided the small silver ship out of the docking bay and into the blackness of space. I love you so much. I wish things could be different.
But he knew in his heart that nothing could change his nature and nothing could keep him from acting on his natural impulses. He had to leave her, even though it felt like he was leaving his heart behind on her small blue planet instead.
For the last time, he turned his ship toward the Earth. It was time to say goodbye.
Chapter Thirty-nine
Lauren was sitting at home, absently stroking Little One when she got a strong feeling that someone wanted to talk to her. “Hello?” she said out loud, looking around and feeling kind of creeped out. “Is anybody there?”
“It’s me, Kat,” said a voice that was very definitely coming from inside Lauren’s head. “Sorry to freak you out but I’m calling you on a Think-me—kind of a Kindred telepathic cell phone. I hope you don’t mind but it’s the fastest way to communicate—so much easier than schlepping down to the HKR building to talk on the viewscreen all the time.”
“No, I don’t mind,” Lauren said aloud. “Or should I just think back to you?” she thought.
“Either way works but the thinking is better if you’re not alone. Otherwise people are going to think you’re crazy and talking to yourself.” Kat sounded amused.
“I’m alone,” Lauren thought back, beginning to get the hang of the mental communication. “I’m hanging around my condo, about to turn in for the night.”
“Good! Perfect!” Kat sounded excited. “Then you might have a little time to get ready.”
“Get ready for what?”
“Xairn’s coming—Deep talked him into it.”
“He is? Oh my God!” Lauren’s heart started pounding. “Oh, I have so much to do!”
“Don’t get too excited yet,” Kat
cautioned. “He told Deep he’s just coming to say goodbye.”
“What? But didn’t Deep tell him about your ‘secret weapon?’”
“He did.” Kat sounded sober. “But apparently it isn’t just the pain he might cause you during bonding sex that has him worried.”
“What? What else is he worried about?” Lauren asked, exasperated.
“The whole dominant/submissive thing.” Kat sounded as though she was trying to choose her words with care. “His, uh, natural urges seem to have him all tied up in knots.”
“It’s not really surprising, considering the things he saw the AllFather do to women,” Lauren sent thoughtuflly. “I think part of the problem is that he thinks he can’t be dominant without turning into his father.”
“That sounds reasonable,” Kat agreed. “But I also think he has the idea that you don’t want to be dominated.”
“But that’s not how I feel at all!” Lauren protested. “I mean, I wasn’t sure at first. It felt…strange to want those kinds of things. But now—”
“Now you’re going to have one chance to show him that you’ve changed your mind,” Kat interrupted. “So we shouldn’t waste time talking. Have you been eating the fruit I gave you?”
Lauren nodded and then remembered her friend couldn’t see her. “Yup. I started last night. And to be honest today I’m feeling kind of…strange.”
“You mean horny?” Kat’s mental voice sounded amused. “Yeah, bonding fruit will do that to you—remember I warned you there could be side effects. In a little while it’s going to really kick in. And listen, hon, you’re going to need Xairn to help you scratch that itch—don’t try to do it on your own. It doesn’t work—believe me, I tried.”
“So you’re saying that if I don’t convince him to stay and, uh, bond with me or at least make love with me—”
“You’re going to be in a world of hurt,” Kat finished for her matter-of-factly. “But don’t worry about that, Lauren. Think positive. You can do this, I know you can.”
“I hope you’re right.” Lauren took a deep breath, trying to mentally prepare herself.
Brides of the Kindred Volume One Page 163