Finding Faith

by Ysabel Wilde

  The second I got home I’d take care of the cause of the discomfort with her image dancing in his head. No, not dancing, stripping.

  A flash of panic hit me. If she did turn in my direction now I didn’t think I could control my body. What would happen? I’d probably come the hardest I’d come in years right in front of everyone. How would I explain that at work?

  I shook my head, trying to clear out the thoughts the naughty nurse was filling it with, along with my pants. It was probably better that she didn’t turn toward me.

  Mike was so dead when he showed up! I told him to keep George and the other guys away from me and he failed.

  I was held captive by my friend George as he told me about an extrication that he had done on his last shift. A woman hit a telephone pole because she thought she’d seen her husband getting a blow job in the car next to her. When George got her to the hospital and her husband showed up wearing the same outfit as the guy in the car, she went berserk, jumping out of the bed and attacking him.

  The entire time George spoke he was roaring like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. His head bouncing back and forth in my face, nearly making me eat his dark brown crew cut, he was so close. His thick chest heaved in and out as he let out deep belly laughs, causing his muscular biceps that were crossed over his chest to bump into me.

  Concerned about my personal space, I tried to take small dips back to give myself more room, following the rhythm of his head as I did. Somehow he still managed to touch me and I was getting annoyed.

  Grace wandered over to my side to check in, not even giving George a second glance.

  George froze, eyeing Grace with a glare as he gave me a kiss on my cheek before walking away.

  Over the song “Wheels in the Sky” by Journey and the clanking of balls coming from the pool table I shouted, “I think I’m going, Grace,” hoping that I would be able to sneak out without too much of a hassle.

  Every second that passed made me regret my decision more and more. By the sour look on Grace’s face, it told me that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

  Everyone around us was having a great time talking, laughing, drinking, and flirting. They were all trying to include me, but I didn’t want to be a part of it. I thought that maybe once I’d gotten to the bar I’d feel differently, but I didn’t.

  George’s story and proximity to me didn’t help matters either. The story only solidified what I had learned. All guys were pigs, even the ones that were your friends.

  Some of the other guys had come up to me earlier in the night to make small talk, trying to be cute, but it wasn’t working. With the mess that I was in the middle of I swore off flirting, dating, all of it. Not even a friend with benefits was allowed.

  “Fine, I guess I’ll leave, too,” Grace said, half-hearted. “Mike’s such a jerk to invite us and then not even show.” Instead of anger like I would expect, her voice was filled with hurt.

  “Whatever. He probably got tied up. Give the guy a break. Let me grab my purse and coat and then we can leave.” I reached around the table for my purse when a surge of electricity shot through me like a lightning bolt, landing directly between my legs.

  Quickly, I clenched them as if that would make the sensation go away, but it only made things worse. My panties officially became drenched and I didn’t even know why.

  “Mike’s here! Mike’s here!” Grace chanted as she jumped up and down like a boy crazy teen while yanking on my arm.

  Dear God, I pray I didn’t soak myself because of Mike. I turned around and our eyes met. After a few blinks to make sure I was seeing clearly, I bolted, leaving Grace behind.

  “How do you know Faith?” Mike asked, bringing me out of my trance for the second time tonight. If it wasn’t for the question I would have thought I had imagined her.

  Mike and Amazon Barbie both stood looking at me, waiting for an answer. All I could do was stand there stunned, not able to put any of my thoughts into coherent words.

  When I said good-bye to her the last night we were together, I didn’t expect that would be the last. Faith had disappeared, never to be heard from again, never giving me any explanations.

  Everyday I would wait for her to call to tell me to come out to her. The call never came. Then I moved, wiping away all hopes of that ever happening, knowing she wouldn’t have any idea how to contact me. I only knew one thing for sure, I couldn’t stay there torturing myself with the possibility she would come back.

  In the earlier years, when the wounds were fresh, I imagined that, in the off chance I did run into her, I would have some other beautiful woman at my side, making her wish she’d never left me. I wouldn’t even give her a second glance.

  I hurt so badly when it happened I didn’t think I could ever forgive her. The reaction my body had to her after all of this time put me at a complete loss.

  But now that I had found her, I wasn’t about to let her disappear again. There was no way she would get away from me twice.

  Mike waved a hand in front of my face.

  “Hello, Earth to John. I told you she was hot.”

  A grunt coming out of Mike from Amazon Barbie smacking him got my attention.

  “Uh...huh?” I shook my head in disbelief, collecting my thoughts to try to figure out what to say next. The fog was slowly lifting, making it easier for me to concentrate. I didn’t want to sound like a creep in front of people who were practically strangers.

  “Does she need company on her way home to make sure she’s safe?” I asked, trying to keep the panic out of my voice. I couldn’t help myself it was automatic to worry about her. All these years apart hadn’t gotten rid of that protective shield I tried to keep over her.

  “Man, you don’t waste time do you, Killer,” Mike joked, giving me a wink and a shove on the shoulder. As I got encouragement from Mike, he got daggers shot his way from Amazon Barbie.

  “Sorry about that, I don’t know what got into her. She’s got a lot on her mind lately. I’m Faith’s neighbor and best friend, Grace.” Amazon Barbie flung her hand out in front of my face for me to shake.

  I hesitated a minute, watching her, trying to figure out if she knew who I was, but her face didn’t show any signs of recognition. My heart sank.

  “Nice to meet you, too,” I said. “I think I need to go, I’m not feeling so hot. Maybe I can catch up to your friend and make sure she gets home alright.”

  “Good idea. They live at 2555 North Clark Street. She probably walked home,” Mike volunteered.

  I turned around to leave before Mike finished getting the address out. Grace smacked Mike in the gut again as she bugged her eyes at him to shut up.

  “Stop hitting me.” Mike grabbed Grace’s wrist before she could smack him some more. “Don’t worry, I trust him. He’s a good guy, I can tell these things.”

  Not completely believing Mike, Grace said warily, “Maybe I need to go home to make sure she is safe. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t make sure?” The excitement Grace had a few moments earlier had deflated.

  “Come on, Grace not you, too. Please, stay. I really want to hang out with you.” Mike tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear as he spoke, while twining their fingers together with the one he had been holding her wrist with moments earlier, making her common sense vanish.

  Grace cupped her free hand to her mouth to make sure she was heard and shouted, “Fine, but I’m going to text Faith to make sure she’s okay.”

  With my back still turned, I shot her a thumbs-up without missing a step.

  A brutal wind was whipping around outside the bar as if it were a pinball bouncing off all the buildings at the intersection, sucking up leaves as it blew.

  I pulled up the collar of my black leather jacket to get some relief from the sudden onslaught as I looked around. The wind was stronger than it had been when I had first arrived, making it hard to keep my eyes open.

  With a quick scan of the dimly lit street, I didn’t see any sign of Faith.
Only a cab that was down the block, getting ready to turn.

  Not wanting to waste anymore time, I decided to head out on foot rather than back track to get my car. I might have a better chance of catching up with her, and it would also keep me from thinking about what I was doing before I stopped myself.

  I thanked divine intervention for the cab that was idling outside of the bar after my narrow escape. After spending the night receiving harassing texts from Brad, John was the last person I expected - or wanted - to see. Surrounded by quickly dissolving bubbles, I let out a sigh. As I settled into my tub, familiar hazel eyes bore into my brain.

  I heard a knock at my door just as the knots in my neck were starting to loosen up.

  “What the hell, can’t a girl relax for one second?” I yelled toward the hall as I dragged myself out of the water and slipped into a silky teal robe.

  It dawned on me that Grace must have been concerned and had come to check on me. How stupid did I look running away like that? Talk about embarrassing.

  “I’ll be back in a second, so don’t go disappearing on me guys,” I said to the remaining bubbles that were shining like millions of small rainbows from candles surrounding the tub.

  The knocking on the door became more frequent and picked up speed. I scurried down the dark hallway, fumbling with the robe, trying to wrap it up as I went.

  Once I reached the softly lit living room the knocking became a banging. Man, she must really be worried.

  “I’m coming already, keep your panties on, geez.”

  The embarrassment of my reaction at the bar quickly switched to irritation. I started to gear up to let Grace have it. It was her fault I ran into John. If it had been up to me I would have never gone to the bar. I was happy to have my stress-free date with the only two men who never let me down, Ben and Jerry.

  Before opening the door, I took a deep, soothing breath, soaking up summer flowers that calmed me while focusing on a knot in the light oak wood floor, counting to ten.

  I opened the door and was shocked at who was standing in the doorway.

  "John!"

  "It is you," he whispered as if he was looking at a ghost. "I can't believe it's really you after all this time."

  I wrapped my robe tighter around my damp body and saw him slowly eye me up and down. I took an unconscious step back into the apartment, which he took for an invitation to come in because he stepped inside and closed the door.

  "So, you've been here the whole time," he said more like a statement than a question.

  I nodded, still stunned that the love of my former life was standing right here in my home, more gorgeous than I even remembered. I felt myself start to tingle again like in the bar and I was finding it hard to breathe.

  "What the hell, Faith? What happened to you? Why did you just abandon me, your family, everything that we had?"

  I could see his chest heaving, taking in deep breaths. I could tell he was trying to control his anger but he was finding it difficult. It was seven years of emotions bottled up, ready for the cork to pop. I was afraid he would explode. But that wasn’t how John was with me. For me, yes. He was always my knight fighting for my honor. It was always a turn on knowing he would defend me that vehemently.

  But we weren’t us anymore, and hadn't been for a long time.

  He hung his head in silence for a minute, taking deeper breaths. I didn’t dare speak, concerned that I wouldn’t hear the John I used to love.

  John’s eyes shifted back and forth between hurt and anger, waiting for me to say something, anything to make all those years of pain mean something. With the grace of a big cat, he stalked toward me. I remember most things, but I don’t remember him being that secure with himself. My stomach did a nervous somersault as he approached.

  Once he reached me he held my face between both of his hands, making sure I couldn’t move and growled, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been suffering without you?” He slid his thumbs hard back and forth along my cheeks.

  That was a touch that told me he was pissed. If it was any other man touching me like that I would be scared that he would hurt me. But it was John, and I knew he couldn’t. The touch said pissed, but his eyes suddenly showed all the love that he never lost.

  Even though the touch hurt, the words stung more. I didn’t want John to suffer because of me. Those were never my intentions. I turned my face to the ground, needing to break the connection. He had never been that passionate with me, or had he and never expressed it like this?

  If he had shown me this side maybe things would have turned out differently.

  He was letting his eyes speak for him, but I refused to do the same. If he saw what was in mine it would be harder to convince him to let me go.

  With his guts spilling at my feet, I realized I had handled our relationship wrong. Joy had been right. He deserved more back then. When I left I thought I had done the right thing by not telling him the plan, thinking he would forget me and move on. By his reaction tonight, I see how wrong I had been.

  None of that mattered now, nothing could make it right. I got burned too badly with Brad. I wouldn’t let that happen to me again. John didn’t need to get pulled into the fiasco. Even though it would all be cleared up soon, I wasn’t going to let him get involved in any of it. That was something I had to take care of by myself, and I couldn’t ask him to wait for the day I may be ready to date again and trust someone, which at this moment felt like never. That wouldn’t be fair to him.

  When I built up my nerves enough to look back into his eyes, they made me wish I could try to work things out, but he deserved a woman who wouldn’t run from him. And I was a runner.

  Those hazel eyes burned holes into me, sending shivers up my spine, demanding answers I couldn’t give.

  What I wouldn’t do to go back for just the happy times. My eyebrows furrowed at how unfair it turned out. He was better off leaving and trying to forget we ever ran into each other. I had to make him see that.

  “John, you deserve someone better than me. Someone who will appreciate you and that you can make a family with.”

  “Faith, I deserve you. I want to do that with you,” he said with conviction.

  I wavered for a split second, but quickly regained my composure, hoping he hadn’t noticed the doubt that flashed across my face.

  “John, you need to go. Find someone who will love you. You deserve someone who will run to you, not away from you.”

  I turned my face back to the ground as I spoke, finding the same oak knot from earlier, knowing the reaction that comment would induce. It was a stab to both of our hearts, but if that’s what it took to get John to move on, then that’s what I had to do.

  “What are you saying, Faith? You never loved me?” His voice came out raspy and bitter.

  “John, please just leave before I say something else to make you hate me even more than you already do,” I begged.

  He bent down, putting his face so close I could feel his warm breath. “Faith, what are you talking about? I don’t hate you.”

  I could see John was lost, it showed in his eyes. The wheels in his head were spinning. He didn’t know what to do next.

  “Please, John, just leave.” I mustered up all the strength I had left in my body to fight him off.

  His touch made me sizzle, and I knew I could easily give in to anything he asked for if I wasn’t careful. I took a step away from him as a precaution. His proximity was clouding my thoughts. The musky scent of his body was messing with my judgment.

  I wasn’t as sure as I pretended to be. If he could see my insecurity, I was doomed. His eyes were glued to my face, looking for any sign of weakness that he could pounce on. I made my face void of any emotion and waited.

  With narrowed eyes he watched me, only roaming down the entire length of my body once, but it was the most intense look I’ve ever had.

  His eyes were burning up as he ran his tongue over his bottom lip, leaving behind a shine, telling me exactly what he was th
inking, before he slid back up my body to meet my face again with eyes that wanted to eat me on the spot.

  My body wanted to melt right into the grooves of my wood floor, but I refused to show him he had gotten to me. I caught his eyes float past my shoulder, but he would only get a view of my practically empty bookcase, before bringing then back to scan my face.

  That was it. He had to go.

  “Please leave, John,” I pleaded. “It’s best for both of us.”

  I turned to open the door for him, but he reached out, grabbed my arm and pulled me roughly to him. One strong hand clutched the back of my hair and his lips met mine for a searing kiss that I wasn’t expecting. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew I should be fighting him off, but it had the opposite affect and I became mush.

  The air in the room disappeared, getting sucked out at the same time I was getting sucked in. I was only being kept conscious by his breath passing my lips.

  The only sense that was working was touch and I was drowning in it. His hard body pressed against mine, radiating heat, setting every nerve ending on edge.

  John broke free from my lips trailing kisses along my jaw and down my neck. He stopped long enough to whisper, “I missed you so much, Faith. And I know you missed me. I don’t care what you say.”

  He continued spreading more kisses across my collar bone slipping farther down to the opening of my robe, stopping at the swell of my breasts. He made sure there was no air floating between us grinding his hips against my stomach. That’s when I noticed what else was hard.

  “John, don’t,” I said too weakly to be convincing.

  His hand slid down the curve of my ass, finding the edge of my thigh length robe. It made its way back up, skimming my thigh and caressing me where I was dying for it most. He ran a finger between my crease, feeling the wetness he’d help create.

  I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted me to remember what I gave up, and he was doing a fantastically torturous job of it.

  The heat and musky smell that bombarded me combined to make a heady combination. He could have asked me for anything at this very moment and I’d agree.