Inside Heat

by Roz Lee

  “She doesn’t love me. She loved my career, and when that was gone, she didn’t waste any time at all throwing herself at you. One brother is as good as another.”

  “Why, you slimy bastard!” Jason ground out the insult through clenched teeth. “Don’t you dare throw our past relationship in my face now. And you know Megan doesn’t give a shit whether you play baseball or sell shoes. She loves you.”

  “No she doesn’t. I saw her throwing herself at you. I saw you kissing her. You want her? You can have her. Now plug the TV back in and get the hell out of my way.”

  “I don’t know what the hell you are talking about. I haven’t been with Megan in months.”

  “I’ve got eyes. She was all over you at the hospital. I saw it all. You kissed her.”

  An image formed in his mind. Megan looking fragile and worried. She’d come straight to the hospital to see Jeff, carrying the weight of a shitty day on her shoulders. He’d held her and offered her comfort. She’d broken the kiss almost immediately. “Shit, Jeff. You saw that?”

  “Hell yes, I saw that. Don’t worry. She’s all yours.”

  “Like hell she is. Is that kiss what this is all about? Is that why you’re acting like an ass? Because if it is, you’ve got it all wrong.”

  “Wrong? What part did I get wrong? The part where I fucked her that morning, and then she ran to you that afternoon? Did you fuck her in the hall? No, you’d take her some place classy like a maintenance closet. You’re that kind of a guy.”

  Jason jerked in Jeff’s direction with every intention of beating some sense into his brother. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but all alcohol did was remove a person’s filters. An angry feminine voice stopped him.

  “Jason didn’t fuck me,” Megan said from the doorway. God, how long had she been standing there? “He held me up when I could hardly stand. Yes, he kissed me, but it was instinct, not lust.” She stepped further into the room as she spoke. “I was worried sick about you, you idiot, and on top of that, we’d lost a patient earlier that day – the third one that week. I needed someone to talk to. Jason listened. That’s all he did.”

  “Megan,” Jason warned.

  “Don’t.” She stepped between the brothers. “You’re an ass, Jeff Holder. I can’t believe you thought I thought more of your career than I do of you. I’d love you if you drove a trash truck, and if that’s what you want to do for the rest of your life, I’m okay with that. But I’m not okay with you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, and I’m so not okay with you doubting my feelings for you.”

  She picked up the almost empty liquor bottle, shaking her head. “Can you leave us alone for a few minutes?” she asked Jason.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. He’s a mean drunk.”

  “I’ll be fine. He might hurt me with his words, but he’d never do anything more than that.”

  Jason left her alone with Jeff, but if she knew him, he wasn’t far away. Her heart warmed to know he would always be there for her, like a brother. She wondered at the course of their relationship as she pulled the ottoman from the corner and sat at Jeff’s feet. This close, Jason would have to have bat hearing to eavesdrop on their conversation. As much as she loved Jason, this was between her and Jeff.

  She leaned in and lowered her voice. “Is this what you’ve been stewing over? The kiss you saw?”

  “What was I supposed to think?”

  “Oh, Jeff.” She shook her head. “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I don’t know. I…” He looked like a petulant little boy, holding his injured arm against his chest, his hair a disheveled mess. Only the two days growth of beard on his jaw hinted at the full-grown man he was. As mad as she was at him for having so little faith in her love, she couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

  “You should have known there was an explanation. Did you really think I would go from your bed in the morning, to Jason’s that night?” She held up a hand to forestall any response. “No. Don’t answer that. Not too long ago that would have been something you could have expected, but now?” She shook her head. “I don’t know, Jeff. I don’t know what to say that will convince you that I love you – that I want only you. Jason is a friend. He’s always been a friend, and I can’t change what happened between us in the past. I’m afraid it will always be between us, so I’m leaving.” Megan straightened her spine, rubbing her wet palms on her pant legs as the words left her lips. She hadn’t planned on saying that, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

  She stood and stared down at the crumpled man in the recliner. There was no indication anything she’d said had made a difference. “I’ll go to a hotel tonight, and I’ll send someone for my things this weekend.” Jeff remained still, his eyes focused on the blank TV screen. “I love you.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Megan slid her arm into the sleeve of her jacket and adjusted the collar with one hand while she dug in the opposite pocket for her car keys, all the while listening to another nurse complain about working the night shift. The morning sun reflected off the polished marble entryway, nearly blinding her with its brilliance. For two weeks, ever since she’d walked out of Jeff and Jason’s house, she’d lived the life of a mole – sleeping during the day and working at night. It was an exhausting schedule, but it had its merits. Especially when sleep didn’t come easily. There was something about staying awake all night that made it easier to sleep. The unnatural sleep pattern was enough to allow her body to crash into a deep sleep, even on a brightly lit autumn day. Like this one. Megan stopped to pull on her gloves, saying her goodbyes as the group of nurses and staff went their separate ways.

  She raised a hand to her forehead against the glare as the automatic glass doors slid open. A blast of cold, crisp air swirled around her legs, chilling her to the bone beneath the lightweight scrubs. She came up short in the shadow of the building as an all too familiar form came into view.

  Jeff rose from the brick planter where he’d been waiting for her. “Hi, Megan.”

  “What are you doing here?” Damn. For the first week after she left she looked for Jeff everywhere she went, hoping against hope that he’d come looking for her. In the last seven days, she’d quit looking around for him, but as he smiled at her, and her name rolled off his tongue, she knew she hadn’t quit hoping. Now, here he was, looking too good for words, and she didn’t know if she were happy to see him or not.

  “Have a cup of coffee with me?” The early November wind stirred a few errant leaves, and teased the ends of her ponytail. A few strands whipped across her face and she pushed them out of the way with gloved fingers. Her hand trembled, and it had nothing to do with the frigid temperature.

  “Why?”

  “I’d like to talk to you. I owe you an apology.”

  Megan shivered and clutched the lapels of her jacket tighter. God, he looked good. His cheeks and nose were red, but it was a result of sitting outside in the cold, rather than from drinking. His eyes were clear, and his overall complexion looked healthy.

  “How’s the arm?”

  “Better.” He held his right arm close to his body, and Megan assumed it was still in a brace by the sharp angle at his elbow. “Can we go somewhere and talk? I’ll tell you everything, and answer your questions if we can get out of this damned cold.”

  The question was did she really want to hear anything Jeff Holder had to say. He’d hurt her. The fact remained that he hadn’t believed in her love. How long had that been going on? She’d given him everything – her heart and her body, and she’d done it believing he loved her as much as she loved him. Finding out that he never understood – that he thought she was only with him because of who he was hurt the most. “Did you drive here?”

  “Yeah, I did. I’m sober, I promise.” He held his left hand up in a scout salute. “I can’t drive the ‘Vette or the Mustang, but I can manage the Escalade with my left hand.”

  She called herself every kind of idiot for agreeing to meet him
at the coffee shop a few miles away. It was morning rush hour, and as she searched for a parking place, she realized the place would be filled with people desperate for their morning jolt of caffeine. They’d have very little privacy, even if they could find a table. Maybe that was a good thing.

  She circled the parking lot twice before she found a parking place. As she gathered her purse, she saw Jeff’s car in her rearview mirror as he cruised the lot too. She clutched her coat tight and sprinted for the door. A familiar deep voice told her Jeff had caught up with her. “Damn, it’s cold out there.”

  The line moved quickly, and it wasn’t long before they sat across from each other at a small table. Megan pried the lid off her cup and blew across the steaming liquid before taking a tentative sip. Jeff sat silent, spinning his cup on the tabletop. “You’re using your right hand,” she said.

  “Yeah. It’s getting better every day. I’m back in physical therapy.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Look, Megan…I owe you an apology. I said some things that were wrong, and I’m sorry.”

  “You accused Jason and me of things that weren’t true.”

  “I know that. I knew it then too, but I was so messed up I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth.”

  “Jeff – ”

  “No. Please. Let me say what I came to say. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I owe you an explanation.”

  “Okay. Go ahead. I’m listening.” She fisted her trembling hands in her lap.

  “I want you to know that I love you. I have for a long time, but somehow I got it in my head that you were in love with Jason. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but none of this really makes any sense. Anyway, I thought I’d lost you, and then there was Martin McCree, and I focused on him, obsessing about striking him out instead of focusing on what was really important – you. I pushed too hard, trying to figure out a way to best McCree – a new pitch, a variation on another, anything that would get him out. Jason tried to make me see reason, but I wouldn’t, couldn’t, back down. I don’t know what got into me. I’m competitive by nature, but this went way beyond normal competition. I was obsessed. I couldn’t see it then. Doyle even called me into his office to talk about it. Shit, Megan. I thought he was going to tell me I was on the trading block. As scared as I was, thinking how close I’d come to getting my ass traded, I still kept on pushing myself. It was stupid.

  "Jason had quit joining us by then, but I was too deep into my obsession with McCree to notice. I don’t know what I thought, how I imagined he was spending time with you. Looking back, I can see he wasn’t home much.

  "Then you and I had that amazing night together, and I began to hope again. I thought we had something special. I thought everything I’d believed about Jason and you was wrong. I was sure you loved me, and I was planning to ask you to marry me when the season was over.”

  Megan’s heart did a somersault in her ribcage. Two weeks ago, she would have given anything to hear him say those words, but now they scared the hell out of her. Was he going to ask her to come back? And if he did, would she go? She forced herself to remain calm. “So what went wrong? What happened, Jeff, to make you say those things?”

  “Insanity?” The way he delivered the remark told her he didn’t intend it as a joke. “I don’t know, Megan. I don’t have an excuse. All I have is the truth. I was scared. Scared of losing you, then I dug myself in too deep with the McCree thing. I went into that last game thinking about you, but when it got down to the end, and the last man standing between the Mustangs and the playoffs was McCree, I couldn’t back down. Lord knows, Jason tried to talk me out of it, but I was too stubborn to listen. Anyway, I did this to myself. That much I do know. I pushed my arm to the limit with the extra pitching sessions, and trying to learn a curve ball. I never could hit the broad side of a barn with a curve ball. I don’t know why I thought it would be different now. Anyway, it all took its toll. When it got down to that one moment and it was just me and Martin…I don’t know. It was like the O.K. Corral or something. I didn’t have anything but the one gun, and I made up my mind to go after him with everything I had in me. My average pitch is usually ninety-seven, ninety-eight miles an hour. Martin had been sending those into orbit all season, so I knew I had to do better than that. I threw him six pitches, Megan. Not a one was less than a hundred miles per hour. Jason said the one that blew out my elbow was a hundred and four. It’s not a league record, but it’s damned close.”

  “You sent the Mustangs to the playoffs.”

  “Fat lot of good it did. They lost in the first round, which makes my actions that much more insane.”

  “It’s not your fault the team didn’t do better. You gave them a chance, that’s all you could do.”

  “Maybe. But that’s another discussion. Most of those two days after I blew out my elbow are a blur. One minute I was pitching to McCree, and the next I was waking up in the hospital. Or so it seems. It happened fast. I remember kissing you after the game. My arm hurt like a son-of-a-gun, I remember that too. I also remember the look on your face when Jason introduced you to Rand as our friend. I’m sorry, Megan. I wanted to tell the world right then that you were my fiancée, but I hadn’t asked you, and that wasn’t the time to spring something like that on you. Everything happened so fast after that. I don’t know who made the decision to have the surgery. I guess I agreed to it, but I don’t remember doing it. My career was in the toilet, and my arm hurt, and shit….” He waved his hand in a sweeping motion. “That’s neither here nor there. I woke up in the hospital after the surgery and I heard your voice. You sounded like an angel and all I wanted was for you to come take me out of that place. I looked around and found you out in the hall with Jason. Christ, Megan. He was kissing you. That image was burned onto my brain, and something snapped. I don’t know if it was the drugs, the anesthesia, or what, but I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. All I could think about was that I’d lost you and my career in one fell, fucked up swoop.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “I don’t know.” The pain in his voice almost had her feeling sorry for him, but she wasn’t ready to let him off the hook for what he’d said.

  “I stand by what I said. You’re an ass, Jeff Holder.”

  His crooked smile was sincere and disarming. “Yeah, I know. Responsibility for everything that happened lands squarely on my shoulders. I made the choices, and I’ve got to live with the consequences. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. The day you left, I said some particularly nasty things. I had no right to think them, much less say them. I was drinking too much, and feeling sorry for myself. It’s not an excuse; it’s just the truth. After you left, Jason sobered me up. At first I thought he was being a good brother, but I found out he had another motive. He said he wanted to make sure I heard and understood every word he said. Trust me, my brother knows quite a few choice ones.”

  “You fought with Jason?”

  “No. Not exactly. He called me a bunch of names, all ugly, and they all fit. He also set me straight about you and him. I had no reason to believe the things I did. It seems my imagination is better than I ever knew.”

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I don’t have any right to ask anything from you, but I’d like for you to give me, give us, another chance.”

  “I don’t know, Jeff. I…” Megan clenched her fists tight to keep her hands from shaking.

  “Please. Don’t answer yet. Think about it. I’ll give you all the time you need. I’m trying to get my life back together. I started the physical therapy. I’m behind, but Stacey thinks I can make up for the time I lost. We had a meeting – Doyle, Stacey and me. He said he’d put me on the roster after the All Star break if I could prove to him I’m ready. I’ll be ready.”

  “You aren’t pushing too hard, are you?”

  “No. I’ve learned my lesson in that regard. Stacey is working me hard, but she says it won’t take too long to catch up to where I
should be.” He flexed the fingers of his right hand. “It’s a lot better already. I can dress myself now, zippers and all.” He smiled at that. “No more sweat pants.”

  “That’s good. I wish you all the luck. I know how much baseball means to you.”

  “I used to think it was my life, but that was before you walked away. That was a real wake-up call for me. I realized the game doesn’t mean as much to me as I once thought. You’re all that matters, Megan. I want a life with you. I want the whole thing. A home. Kids.”

  Megan didn’t know what to say. This was her dream, but it was two weeks too late, the two longest weeks of her life.

  “Just promise me you’ll think about it.”

  “I…I will.” Like she’d be able to think of anything else. “I can’t promise you anything, Jeff. The things you said about Jason and me…” she shook her head, “they got me to thinking. As much as I love you, I don’t know if we can get past what happened between the three of us.”

  “I want to try, Megan. I don’t think you ever had the same kind of feelings for Jason that you did for me. Am I wrong about that?”

  “No. I love Jason, but it’s a different kind of love. I never would have done the things we did if I hadn’t had strong feelings for him, but it was always just a physical thing between him and me. I’m not sure how you could ever get those times out of your head. I’d always be worried that you’d misinterpret something else, and I’d be caught in the middle again. I can’t live like that.”

  “I wouldn’t ask you to.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ve got to go. Stacey is a tyrant, and she punishes me if I’m late for my sessions.” He rose and moved to stand beside her chair. “Thanks for meeting me.” Megan turned her face up, and Jeff bent. He cupped her cheek in his good hand, bent and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I love you. Call me.”

  She ran her conversation with Jeff over and over in her mind as she drove to her friend Karen’s house where she’d been crashing in her spare bedroom for the last two weeks. A part of her wanted to grab the phone and call him right then, or better yet, turn the car around and go to him, but mostly that was her body talking. She still wanted him, craved his touch, but her rational side argued for caution. He said he would give her time, and she would be wise to take it.