Honeymooners A Cautionary Tale

by Chuck Kinder

  Ancient Eggs

  Contrary to Ralph’s greatest fear, Alice Ann and Lindsay had not searched the seedy bars for bikers or tattooed truckers or sailors; instead, they had remained at that roadhouse in the hills above Palo Alto drinking and telling one another all, which did, however, confirm his second-greatest fear.

  I want to go ahead and say this, Alice Ann had said at one point, taking a long drag on a freshly lit cigarette. —I never really blamed you for anything that happened between you and Ralph. I know Ralph lied to you about our situation, so how could you know the truth about Ralph and me. I finally couldn’t even really blame Ralph for what happened between you two either, if the truth be told. Finally I came to realize that I had only myself to blame. Ralph, well, Ralph was simply being Ralph, for one thing, and he was also trying to deal with his own pain and sense of betrayal. I’ll never forgive myself for the agony I caused Ralph. We were childhood sweethearts. We were both virgins when we made love for the first time. It felt fated. I got pregnant from that very first time. We both swore we would never make love with anybody else. We were each other’s everything. And neither of us did make love with anybody else. For years and years, anyway. Until I went outside the marriage. I broke Ralph’s heart. So he was just getting back at me through you. In some ways maybe I deserved it. Didn’t you say Ralph showed you pictures of our kids?

  Yes, Lindsay said. —He did. They’re handsome kids.

  You’ve never had children, have you?

  Not yet. But Jim and I are trying.

  They’re both just great kids. Our daughter can’t decide whether to follow me into the theater or study to be a veterinarian. She loves animals. Our house is a zoo, of course, but so what is my attitude. Our son aspires to be a police officer, or an attorney-at- law maybe. Did Ralph tell you I was an actress in New York at one point?

  I think he did mention it.

  Off Broadway, of course. But not Off Off Broadway. One play I starred in later made it to Broadway. Actually my part was the second lead, but my notices were amazing. But I had to drop out. I had to take a job to support the family so that Ralph could write full-time. I do community theater occasionally, and of course my current job is teaching drama at a very prestigious community college. Now and then out of the blue I’ll get a call from New York. Or Hollywood even. Some old friend or admirer offering me a part. Now that the kids are almost grown I may consider an offer. If only Ralph could get on his feet.

  Alice Ann took Lindsay’s right hand and studied its palm. She then studied her own palm as though for the first time in her life. Alice Ann took a pack of small tarot cards from her purse and began arranging them on the picnic table.

  They, she and Lindsay, had been more than even sisters in other lifetimes, Alice Ann declared, staring at a card of stars. In two lifetimes they had been twins. Twice they had died in fire together, and once in water. In ancient Egypt four thousand years ago, they had been royal sisters, their mother a queen of the Nile. Alice Ann had been Lindsay’s mother in one life. And Lindsay had been Alice Ann’s mother more than once. In a Roman life their souls had merged. Ralph had been Lindsay’s son once. And her father. And Alice Ann’s father and son. And once Ralph had been their sister. It never ended, this ageless soup of seeds and ancient eggs.

  In this lifetime Alice Ann had dreamed about Lindsay since childhood, Alice Ann declared, and gripped Lindsay’s hand across the table. She had waited for Lindsay to come to her. She had known Lindsay was coming into her life. She had dreamed of Lindsay’s childhood face. After she had met and married Ralph, Alice Ann had begun to dream dreams of Ralph holding another woman in his arms. Ralph naked, and the woman naked, and they had made passionate love in the dreams, and at first Alice Ann had been inconsolable. Until she began to realize the woman in her dreams of betrayal was her sister, her mother, daughter, was herself, who had been lost to her in this lifetime. It was as though one of Ralph’s missions on earth in this lifetime had been to seek out Lindsay for Alice Ann and make them whole.

  As soon as I saw you today, Alice Ann said to Lindsay, I knew who you really were. I didn’t see Jim at first. He was walking behind you. But as soon as I saw you walking toward our table, I recognized your face from a thousand dreams. We are exceptional beings, you and I. We will be safe in this lifetime together.

  I hope that means we won’t be burned at the stake again anytime soon, Lindsay said, and stubbed out her cigarette.

  We have one another now. We will be safe now.

  And we won’t go down with any ships at sea again, will we?

  We are both due long, good lifetimes. Our lifelines about wrap around our fucking hands, see.

  Now there’s a comfort.

  Ralph told me that when you two made love he would come to a point he thought, or rather, he made himself imagine he was fucking us both.

  Hon, Lindsay said, and drained her glass of beer, don’t you think we should be going? The boys will be pissed. Jim is so anal about time.

  I knew every time you two made love, Alice Ann said, and lit a fresh cigarette. —I could always tell. I would get these strange vibes. Every time Ralph comes, he pictures my face. He can’t help it, he just does it automatically. Ralph can be a thousand miles away and having a wet dream, and if he comes, I can feel it. I can feel his eyes, even in his dreams, on my face. And it’s as though I can feel his hot seed shoot up inside my body. Every time Ralph even masturbates, and believe me Ralph jerks off like a monkey, I know it. Ralph and I are thinking about having another child. Before it’s too late for us.

  I think that’s simply wonderful, Alice Ann, Lindsay said. —I think I may be pregnant.

  This may sound bananas, Alice Ann said, and laughed, throwing her head back and shaking out her long blond hair, but I ordered this kit, this wild kit. Ralph thinks it’s bananas, of course. But Ralph thinks that just about every goddamn thing I do is nuts. He wants to keep me under lock and key. I’m always trying new things. I’m always trying to broaden my horizons. That is the only way one can grow as a human being. But not our Ralph. Ralph is terrified of change. Show Ralph something new and he turns tail. Ralph is gone like a shot. But anyway, I’ve ordered this sort of kit. It’s for a, well, tent. Or more like a canopy. To put over our bed. You assemble it, you know, then install it, rig it up, whatever, over your bed. And the wild, wonderful thing is that it’s in the shape of a pyramid. Isn’t that wild? I don’t think it’s bananas at all. Ralph will shit a brick. And they are really quite lovely. They come in all these lovely colors, and the fabric part is pure silk from the Orient. They’re really sort of what you could call designer pyramids. But the important part about all this is the pyramid shape. It creates a force field. This is a scientific fact. It has been proven by scientists more advanced in their thinking and fully documented. The pyramid shape is a mysterious and magical force. It can preserve things, for one thing. I mean, look at the goddamn mummies, for God’s sake. It can revitalize things, too, which to me is the most important consideration. People who sleep under these pyramids make the most amazing claims. Bald men grow new hair suddenly. Wrinkles disappear overnight. And talk about pyramid passion! Couples who haven’t had the urge in years start screwing like rabbits. Not that Ralph and I need any help in that department. But the most important thing is what it can do for fertility. They have accumulated scientific evidence to prove that sleeping under a pyramid can cause a woman to double, even triple, her chances of conception. And it can increase a man’s sperm count by a billion or more. An extra billion of those little buggers! Can you imagine! Anybody can make babies. There was a report of a sixty-seven-year-old woman who became pregnant for the first time in her life. And believe me, she wasn’t even trying. But I will be trying. I will be trying with all my heart and soul.

  All Wet

  1

  Where had Ralph and Jim not searched high and low for their errant wives, driving bar to bar up and down El Camino Real, passing a fresh pint of Jack Daniel’s, Jim chain-li
ghting joints. They toured the dives on Whiskey Gulch in Palo Alto’s east end, a low-down area which according to Ralph Alice Ann had been known to haunt. The hot, humid air smelled like chicken frying; traffic from the nearby Bayshore Freeway sounded like heavy rain over a huge body of water. Country music, shrieking laughter, rebel yells poured out of the cowboy and biker bars’ open doorways, where evil-eyed hombres lurked impassively as Ralph and Jim lumbered along bar to bar.

  Okay, goddamn it, anyway, where are they? Ralph asked Alice Ann the moment he and Jim found the women sitting together on a couch in the living room of Ralph and Alice Ann’s house looking through a photo album.

  Where are whom, may I ask? Alice Ann said.

  The riffraff, Ralph said. —The greaseball bikers.

  The scumbag sailors, Jim said.

  You just missed them, Alice Ann said, and she lit a cigarette.

  I’ll bet, Ralph said. —You’ve probably got a tower of turds or two hidden around here someplace.

  I never could fool you, Ralph, could I? Alice Ann said.

  Alice Ann has been giving me a tour, Ralph, Lindsay said. —I love your home.

  Where were you, anyway? Ralph addressed Lindsay.

  Oh, tarrying and talking, Lindsay said.

  For hours? For hours? Ralph hissed. —Where have you two been? What have you two been up to? We have a right to know. We’re your husbands, after all. Don’t forget that.

  You, Ralph, are the one around here who forgets important things, Alice Ann said.

  I asked you where you two have been, Ralph said. —I demand an answer right now. And don’t bother to lie. If you’re thinking about telling lie one, just forget it. It won’t wash around here.

  I love your new lamps, Ralph, Lindsay said.

  I don’t think I like your tone of voice, Ralph, Alice Ann said.

  My tone of voice? Ralph said. —Well, forgive me, please. Pretty please.

  Ralph, we were simply chatting, Lindsay said. —We lost track of time. We had a lot to catch up on. About four thousand years* worth.

  My so-called goddamn tone of voice? Ralph said. He picked up a champagne bottle from the coffee table and shook it. He tilted his head back and polished off what was left, whereupon he threw the empty bottle across the room against the brick fireplace. The bottle exploded and shattered glass showered the room. Lindsay screamed and jumped up from the couch. Ralph clutched Lindsay by an arm. —How could you? Ralph said to Lindsay through gritted teeth.

  Hey, Jim said, and shoved Ralph. As Ralph turned toward him, Jim cocked his right.

  Alice Ann is bleeding, Lindsay said. —A piece of bottle hit her.

  From a spot at her hairline a thin stream of blood ran down the right side of Alice Ann’s face. Alice Ann smiled and took a deep drag off her cigarette. The blood was forming and dripping off the point of her chin. Alice Ann flicked her cigarette ashes into a large ashtray on the coffee table.

  Let me look at that, Jim said, and hurried over to Alice Ann. He pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket and pressed it to Alice Ann's forehead.

  What the fuck’s going on out here? Ralph’s daughter said.

  She was standing in the hallway door with her hands on her hips. She was wearing a different black T-shirt with a Day-Glo devil on its front, and her unshaven legs were still bare.

  This business out here is none of your affair, young lady, Ralph said to her.

  Lindsay, Alice Ann said, this is my daughter in this lifetime. Honey, I’d like for you to meet Lindsay, your uncle Jim’s new wife.

  Hello, Lindsay said. —I understand you want to be a veterinarian.

  So you’re her, Ralph’s daughter said. —So what’s happening out here anyhow, fucking World War III or some shit? Mom, could you clue me in as to why the fuck your head is bleeding, Mom?

  Or follow your mother into the theater, Lindsay said.

  It’s just a scratch, Jim said. —We’ll just wash it up and put a Band-Aid on it.

  This business is far from over, Ralph said. —I’m all worked up about this business. There has to be a limit.

  I couldn’t agree more, Alice Ann said. She stubbed her cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table and then picked the ashtray up over her head and threw it into the fireplace.

  Holy moly! Jim said.

  Alice Ann, honey! Lindsay said.

  You think that’s something, Ralph said, and picked up one of the new lamps, a heavy pottery affair shaped to resemble a Mexican peasant having a siesta, his sombrero pulled low over his droopy-mustachioed face.

  You’re fucking crazy, Dad, man! Ralph’s daughter informed him.

  Jesus, old Ralph, Jim said. —Cool it, man.

  Ralph, Lindsay said. —Please.

  I’m not the crazy one around here, Ralph said. —I don’t know why you people can’t get that straight.

  Just go ahead and do it, Ralph, Alice Ann said. —We are all waiting with bated breath.

  You think I won’t, Ralph said.

  Tick-tock, Alice Ann said.

  I’m going to call the sheriff again, Ralph’s daughter said. —I will, Dad. You know I will, man.

  Why not? Ralph said. —Let’s get everybody in on our own personal, private family dirt.

  I will, Dad. I will!

  Please, Ralph, Lindsay said. —Please don’t, hon.

  No, you won’t either, young lady, Ralph said, and carefully put the lamp back down on the end table by the couch. Ralph walked over to the phone on a small table by the hall door. With a single jerk Ralph pulled the phone cord out of its wall socket.

  Real cute, Dad. Ralph’s daughter said.

  That ends any unnecessary outgoing around here, Ralph said, and wiped his hands. —And any incoming, too, for that matter. Who needs them? That phone jumps when it rings. That phone rings only in alarm.

  Ralph never finishes anything he starts, Alice Ann said. She stood up and unplugged the large matching lamp on the table at her end of the couch. Alice Ann heaved it up and swung it underarm into the fireplace, where its smash sounded like a huge egg being cracked.

  You’re the cause of all this shit in the first place! Ralph’s daughter screamed at Lindsay.

  Lindsay flung herself from the room.

  You had no call to say that, Jim said to Ralph’s daughter.

  Hey, man, I just call ’em like I see ’em was Ralph’s daughter’s reply to Jim.

  2

  When Jim reached Lindsay she had her huge purse on the car fender and she was searching through it frantically.

  Looking for something important? Jim said, and leaned back against the car.

  I intend to get the fuck out of this nuthouse, Lindsay said, and started to sob. Tears streamed down her face. —If I can ever find my fucking keys.

  These guys? Jim said, and dangled the keys he took from his pocket.

  Thank you, Lindsay said, and held out her hand for them. —Now let’s go.

  I’m not going anywhere just yet, Jim said, and closed the keys in his fist.

  Would you please return my keys to me?

  What’s your hurry? Where do you want to go, anyway? Maybe you’re exactly where you belong.

  This is my car.

  So?

  Prick.

  Cunt.

  Lindsay lunged for the keys in Jim’s hand, and they began to struggle, Lindsay grabbing at the keys and Jim dangling them out of her reach. Finally Lindsay fell back against a car door gasping for air.

  You better quit smoking, kiddo, Jim said, and leaned back against the car also. —Ralph still loves you, you know? Is that a two-way street, Lindsay? Is that why you called him “hon’’?

  God, what a mistake this has all been, Lindsay said.

  You said it first.

  God knows I’ve tried to get this marriage off the ground.