Playing With Fire

by Alison Bliss

  He gaped at me. “I didn’t just make that shit up in my head,” he yelled. “You pretended to be innocent.”

  “I didn’t pretend anything,” I said, insulted by the accusation.

  “Look, I’m not upset that you aren’t a virgin. I’m just not real keen on the idea about another man putting his hands on you. Especially when that bastard was married.”

  “Married? What are you talking about?”

  “It was Chief Swanson, wasn’t it? That’s who you were sleeping with?”

  “What? No. Of course not.” I shook my head in disbelief that he would even think such a thing.

  “Look, I already know he was sleeping with someone else before his wife came back in the picture. He dies and then suddenly you show up in town, claiming that you don’t know him, yet I find you at his grave kissing his headstone and spouting off apologies.”

  “I already told you I didn’t know him,” I shouted, letting the anger consume me. “Excuse me if I don’t go around screwing strangers, like you—” I cringed internally at the words that had slipped out.

  “You done yet?”

  “No. I’m. Not.” I pushed back my hair and blew my bangs out of my eyes. “To quell your curiosity, I lost my virginity a long time ago. I don’t know why you consider that such an affront to your masculinity, but if it’s such a problem that I’m not the pure woman you assumed I was, then I don’t need you.”

  “So you expected to drop something like this on me and not allow me to have time to process it?”

  “There’s nothing to process. My past experiences are my own, and unless you’re willing to bare your dating lifespan to me, then it’s none of your business what I did or who I did it with.”

  “Fine!”

  “Fine!” I yelled back.

  He grabbed his hat off the coffee table, turned on his heel, and stormed out to his truck. Throwing it in drive, he peeled out, spitting gravel across my lawn while stirring up a cloud of dust. Stumped by his anger, I slammed the door and sank into my couch. Well, just great.

  I’d thought the night would’ve ended differently. Prince Charming was supposed to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed. But that just goes to show why I’d never believed in fairy tales to begin with. The prince isn’t always charming and the princess isn’t always a virgin.

  The next night, Bobbie Jo and Emily squeezed through the crowd of the bar and hurried toward me. They took a seat at the little round table in the corner that I’d been holding for us.

  “We got here as fast as we could,” Bobbie Jo said. “What’s wrong?”

  “I just needed someone to talk to.”

  “But you said to come quick,” Emily said. “What’s the big emergency?”

  “Well, I…uh…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I want to have sex with Cowboy,” I blurted out.

  Emily laughed. “Who doesn’t?”

  “No, let me rephrase. I’m going to have sex with Cowboy…er, well I thought I was, anyway.”

  Bobbie Jo shook her head. “Oh, Lord, I can’t believe you drank the Cowboy Kool-Aid.” Guess Emily hadn’t filled her in yet.

  “It’s always the quiet ones,” Emily said, grinning. “So I guess last night didn’t go as planned?”

  I blushed, not knowing how to explain the situation to them and maintain any bit of dignity I had left. “I think I made a mistake.”

  “What do you mean you made a mistake? What’d he do to you?” Bobbie Jo asked, looking like she was about to send out an all-girl mob to remove Cowboy’s testicles.

  “He didn’t do anything. That’s the problem.” My cheeks grew hotter. “I tried to seduce him and…well, he rejected me.”

  Both girls blinked, as if I’d just told them aliens had taken over the planet. “Really?” Bobbie Jo asked.

  Emily shook her head adamantly. “I didn’t think he was capable of turning down sex. Are you sure he understood what you were offering?”

  “Oh, he understood, all right. And he turned me down flat.”

  “Well, then it’s his loss. Right, Bobbie Jo?” Emily paused, waiting for a response, but when none came, she elbowed her friend. “Bobbie Jo?”

  “Really?” Bobbie Jo said again, clearly still not believing Cowboy shot down a female offering him sex.

  I sighed. “Who am I kidding? Obviously, I’m the first girl he’s ever turned down. Whatever. It’s not like I would really know how to please a man like him, anyway.”

  “Oh, sweetie,” Bobbie Jo said, her eyes filling with pity. “You don’t have to be embarrassed by your shortcomings in that department. We’ve all been a virgin at some point, Anna. It’s natural to want to—”

  “Why is everyone assuming I’m a virgin?”

  Emily keeled over with laughter. “Holy shit! You’re not?”

  God, I wished I had a hole to crawl into. “You know, just because I don’t look like one of those centerfold girls doesn’t mean I haven’t had offers.” I rose from my chair and grabbed my purse. “Never mind. This whole thing is embarrassing enough without being laughed at.”

  Emily looked like a dog that had done something terribly wrong. Her eyes widened as her mouth drooped into a frown. “Oh, Anna. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were this upset. Please don’t go.” Her warm hand captured mine. “I’m probably not the best one to talk to about this stuff. Maybe I should leave and let you talk to Bobbie Jo alone.”

  I plopped back down into my chair. “No. It’s not you. I’m the one who should apologize. I guess I’m still a little worked up from my encounter with him last night.” And possibly even more on edge after finding another hostile note with horrid grammar in my mailbox earlier today: Bridges don’t burn theirselves. I shook it off, not allowing the dread to consume me. “I’m letting all my fears and self-doubts control my emotions. I’m sorry.”

  Emily shook her head and gave my hand a squeeze. “Sweetie, there’s nothing to forgive. I’m sorry I assumed anything about you. It wasn’t fair.”

  “Me, too,” Bobbie Jo said. “And I’m guessing Cowboy made the same assumption?”

  I nodded. “Yes, but I told him the truth and he got mad. Then he stormed out. I don’t really know what happened. I thought maybe you two could shed some light on what I did wrong.”

  Bobbie Jo huffed out a breath. “Listen to me, Anna. You did nothing wrong. Maybe he was just as surprised as we were and had a bad reaction.”

  “Yeah, like a coping mechanism,” Emily agreed. “He’s probably kicking himself in the ass right about now.”

  “Well, he’s not the only one,” I told them. “I felt like such a fool for throwing myself at him like I did. Especially after what I went through the first time.”

  Bobbie Jo looked puzzled. “You threw yourself at him before last night?”

  “No. I meant…the last time I was with a man, the one who took my virginity.” I covered my face with my hands. “Oh, gosh. I swore I was never doing it again.”

  “Technically, you aren’t,” Emily said with a grin. “Losing your virginity, I mean.”

  “She gets the point,” Bobbie Jo said, rolling her eyes. “I think she meant sex. Right, Anna?”

  “Yes, I meant sex. I…don’t like it.”

  “What?” Emily shouted, stiffening in her seat. “What the hell do you mean you don’t like sex?”

  I put my hand over my heart and felt it beating fast inside my chest. These women were my friends, but I knew it would be hard to tell them what I’d hidden inside me for so long. “I had a bad experience…the first time.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Bobbie Jo asked softly.

  I nodded, but was reluctant to speak. I’d never mentioned it to anyone else before now. “I went on a few dates with this guy and was afraid he would get frustrated and possibly lose interest if I wasn’t willing to…well, you know.”

  “Anna, did he hurt you?” Emily asked, blunt as usual.

  Bobbie Jo gave her a sour look.

  “It’s oka
y. I should’ve seen the red flags. He never really seemed to care about what I wanted. Everything was always about him. He chose which restaurant we went to and which movie we watched together. And by the fifth date, when he pressed the issue, I just…well, I didn’t want to be a virgin forever and thought maybe it was better than nothing.”

  “No,” Emily said adamantly. “Better than nothing is not good enough.”

  “He took advantage of your sweet vulnerability, Anna. No man should ever do that to a woman,” Bobbie Jo added.

  Shame trickled throughout my body. “I didn’t enjoy it. Not that I expected to since it was my first time. But I wanted him to stop. He was too rough and was hurting me, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted the whole encounter to end quickly.” I visibly shuddered and closed my eyes. “I wasn’t aroused. Not really. But he just kept poking and stabbing at me. I just lay there until he was finished and finally rolled off me. It was the most humiliating moment of my life.”

  “You have nothing to be ashamed about,” Emily assured me. “That guy was an asshole. Don’t keep yourself from having a relationship—sexual or otherwise—with someone else because you’re afraid that they’ll be the same way. This time, you just need to make sure it’s with the right person.”

  “Is that your way of saying you don’t think Cowboy is the right person?” I asked.

  Bobbie Jo smiled. “Do you think he’s the right person? Because that’s really all that matters.”

  “That, and the fact that he’s the Legend of the South,” Emily said, winking. “After all, that is what women around here say about him. He’s supposed to be a wonderful lover. Might be a wise move to get a lesson from the master.” She laughed a little. “Anna, have you ever had an orgasm?”

  “Emily!” Bobbie Jo yelled.

  “No,” I answered honestly, not giving her time to retract the question. “No man ever gave me one.”

  Emily’s eyes widened slightly. “Well, why the hell are you waiting for a man to give you one? No one knows how to please you better than yourself. Give yourself one.”

  Bobbie Jo shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Emily’s right. You can’t show a man what you like if you don’t really know yourself.”

  “And faking an orgasm isn’t going to do him any favors,” Emily added. “It would just be you cheating yourself out of pleasure. You need to communicate what you want.”

  “So, um…have you two ever…”

  “What? Masturbated?” Emily leaned back in her chair with a huge grin. “Yep. In fact, I handcuffed Jake to the bed last night and let him watch. He loved it.”

  “Oh God!” Bobbie Jo laughed. “Ever heard of TMI? You know I’m going to make fun of Jake for that one.”

  “Don’t you dare! He’d kill me if he knew I told you that.”

  I giggled. “What about you, Bobbie Jo?”

  She grinned. “Are you kidding? I’m a single mom to a five-month-old. There’s not exactly a line of men banging down my door at the moment. I’m basically dating my vibrator.”

  Emily and I laughed, but Bobbie Jo turned serious. “This is the thing, Anna. Whether it’s with Cowboy or someone else, don’t assume that because you sleep with someone that he’ll fall in love. You see what I’m going through with Jeremy. It’s not a fun situation to be in. Be careful.”

  “I agree,” Emily said, nodding. “Some men are dogs and are always sniffing around for the next female in heat.”

  “So, you’re saying that’s what Cowboy is doing?”

  The girls glanced at each other and smiled. Then Bobbie Jo said, “No, I think you scared that hound dog up a tree. He probably anticipated a longer wait, but you put a stop to the chase and offered him up the reward. Now he doesn’t know what to do about it.”

  “Maybe I should call him and—”

  “God, no!” Emily shouted. “Jesus. Don’t make it so easy for him. For a man like Cowboy, it’s all about the chase. This time, he just barked up the wrong tree. If I’ve learned anything about him over the past year of knowing him, he’s probably at home right now, scooting his ass on the floor in circles trying to figure you out.”

  “She’s right, Anna. Let him stew for a while,” Bobbie Jo suggested. “He’ll come pawing back at your door when he’s ready.”

  Feeling a little unsure and apprehensive, I looked down and tangled my fingers together in my lap. “About that…” I said, lifting my head as my eyes glossed over. “There’s something else I haven’t told you, yet.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Three days passed before a knock sounded on my door. Actually, it wasn’t a knock. More like a persistent banging. I slipped on my robe and pulled the wet towel from my still-damp hair, then went to answer it.

  “Hold on a second,” I yelled as I made my way through the house.

  After receiving two more ominous notes over the past few days, I sure as hell wasn’t about to swing open the door for just anyone. Even if it was only late afternoon. I hadn’t mentioned the notes to anyone because it was silly to worry my friends for nothing, but the threats had become more volatile. Since I was largely ignoring the Barlow brothers’ attempts at intimidating me, I was positive it wouldn’t be long before they tried something different to provoke me into a reaction.

  But when I glimpsed through the peephole, it wasn’t the troublesome neighbors staring back at me. With a huff, I threw open the door.

  Cowboy filled the doorway wearing his gray plaid button-down with the pearl snaps, which was only halfway tucked into the waist of his jeans. The hem of his pants sat on top of his boots, as if he’d thrown his clothes on in a hurry.

  I crossed my arms. “What do you want?”

  “We need to talk,” he said, brushing past me into my living room.

  My eyes narrowed at his intrusion. “Why?”

  But he didn’t seem to notice the irritation in my stance or my voice. He was too busy pacing around in circles beside my couch with a sour look on his face. I shut the door, but I didn’t move toward him.

  “Come sit down,” he ordered, red-faced and still pacing the floor.

  “I’m happy to watch the volcano erupt from here, thank you very much.”

  He stopped moving and looked directly at me. “Okay, fine,” he grumbled. There was a slight pause as he cleared his throat, readying himself to say whatever he came here to tell me. “I didn’t mean to walk out on you the other night.”

  “Oh, you mean after your little tantrum?”

  “It wasn’t a tantrum. You just caught me off guard. If you hadn’t led me to believe you were a virgin, I would’ve—”

  “You would’ve what? Tried to get into my pants sooner?” I shook my head and a disgusted sound gurgled from my throat. “You have a lot of nerve putting all this on me. I never told you I was a virgin. If you assumed that, then…well, that’s on you.”

  I tapped my foot, waiting for his response, but he hesitated as he rubbed at the back of his neck. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to blame you. I came here to rectify my mistake.”

  “You turned me down, Cowboy. So what…now that you’re ready for me, I’m supposed to just roll over and let you have your way with me?”

  “Christ, no. That’s not what I meant.” Cowboy shrugged. “I just meant that I came here to apologize for my behavior. It was uncalled for.”

  I moved away from the door and sat down on the couch. I didn’t know why, but I felt the need to explain my situation to him. “Look, I had a bad sexual experience. Someone abused my trust and…well, he did things that hurt me. I don’t want to go through that again.”

  “Some bastard hurt you? Tell me who the motherfucker is and I’ll kill him.” Cowboy blew out a deep breath and lowered his voice. “I’m sorry…that he hurt you, I mean.” Despite his soft tone, Cowboy’s hands fisted at his sides and his body vibrated with anger. He wasn’t sorry. He was pissed.

  “Thanks, but it’s in the past, and I don’t want to dwell on it
.” I glanced up at his eyes and felt the first dagger of pity slice into me. “Stop looking at me like that. I didn’t tell you so that you’d feel sorry for me. I just wanted you to understand.”

  He nodded, but didn’t speak.

  A rush of heat flooded my cheeks, but I needed to be honest with him to avoid any more misunderstandings. “Listen, I don’t have the kind of, um, experience you do.” I gestured to a pile of books across the room on an end table—books I’d spent the last three days reading. “I checked out some self-help books from the library and spent the last few days going over them.”

  Cowboy walked over and lifted a book from the top of the stack. “You’re reading a how-to manual on sex?” he asked, clearly shocked by the revelation.

  I cringed, but it was too late to turn back now. “I bought some DVDs as well. They’re all about self-empowerment for women in the bedroom.”

  He glanced at the DVDs sitting on the entertainment center, and he blinked. The top one’s cover displayed a nearly naked woman with a man’s hands covering her breasts. “So what you’re basically telling me is that you’re reading sex books and watching porn?”

  “No! Of course not.” I closed my eyes and sighed. No sense in getting defensive. “I was doing some, um, research.”

  He looked at me as if I were crazy. “On sex?”

  “Yes.” I blushed again. “I wanted to prepare myself. And I didn’t want to be…ineffectual for you.”

  His brows lowered. “Translation?”

  God, this was so embarrassing. “I didn’t want to be bad in bed,” I said then sighed, thinking this conversation hadn’t gone over as well as I thought it would. “It’s just that…well, I felt stupid asking you to train me.”

  “Train you?” Cowboy looked puzzled over my choice of words. “Hold up, Anna. Sex isn’t about training anyone.”

  “Oh, yeah? Well, then how else would I find out that if you massaged a man’s perineum while performing fellatio he would ejaculate faster?”

  The stunned look on Cowboy’s face lasted only seconds, then he grinned. “Darlin’, you don’t learn by reading clinical descriptions. You learn by doing what feels good.”