Agnes and the Hitman

by Jennifer Crusie

  From the prone, Shane fired twice in the direction of the intruder. Rhett bayed and charged forward, and Shane cursed, realizing the dog was moving into the line of fire. He squeezed off four more rounds as fast as he could pull the trigger, then lunged to his feet and sprinted after the dog, hunched over, not quite believing he was putting his life on the line for a dumb old bloodhound. He continued to fire, dropping the magazine out of the well as he moved, zigzagging, slamming a fresh clip home, firing once more. Then he dived onto Rhett, grabbing the dog’s collar as he rolled behind a log, holding the bloodhound to his chest.

  Rhett bayed once more, then began licking Shane’s face. Shane stared up at the palmetto fronds above, half-expecting to see bullets whipping through them, but they were perfectly still. Since the initial shots, the intruder had not fired, which meant he was either waiting to ambush Shane if he got closer or else had split while the getting was good. Or Shane had hit him and taken him out, which he doubted, given he had fired mainly for cover not effect, having no solid target.

  He waited, letting time tick away. He was in no rush and knew waiting put the burden on his opponent, if he was still around. If the guy was a pro, the wait could be long. After fifteen minutes, Shane turned to Rhett, who appeared to be sleeping, and poked him. Rhett opened one eye. Shane poked him again and the dog opened both eyes and took a deep sniff.

  No baying. No alert.

  Shane got to one knee, pistol still at the ready, and looked around. No sign of the intruder. Between his eyes and Rhett’s nose, he felt confident they were alone.

  He walked forward, on alert, Rhett trailing him, and stopped when he saw his battered black Defender. He pulled out his remote opener and tapped the small status button and then watched as a small green light flickered green a dozen times, then surprisingly turned red and stayed that way. Shane stared at the Defender. Something or someone had set off the vehicle’s motion detector.

  He slowly circled the truck, eyes going over every inch. Nothing seemed amiss, but given he had just been shot at, he wasn’t willing to bet his life on it. With a resigned sigh, he got down on his knees in the muddy ground, then lay down, sliding forward, feeling the damp soil ooze into his outer clothes as he angled himself so he could see the underside of the high-riding truck. Then he froze.

  The shaped charge on one of the plates was easy to spot: it was directly under the passenger seat-whoever had put it there had not taken into account it was a right-hand-drive European vehicle. No wires. It looked like one of Agnes’s large mixing bowls painted black and stuck to the plate. A small red LED light glowed, indicating it was armed. Shane doubted it was on a timer since whoever had placed it wouldn’t know when he was coming back to the truck.

  But no one should even have known he was here. At least no one who had the sophistication to make and plant such a device. The kid in Agnes’s basement wasn’t anywhere near this level of professionalism. But whoever had just shot at him obviously was.

  Shane took a deep breath, then slid to where the bomb was right in front of his face. It couldn’t have been armed until it was in place, thus there was an arming mechanism. Which meant there was a disarming mechanism.

  He placed both hands on the bowl and slowly twisted it counterclockwise. The bowl moved smoothly and Shane unscrewed it until he felt it give slightly. He carefully lowered the bowl of explosives inside the metal frame to the ground, exposing a small metal canister hung below the plastic top that had been glued to the bottom of the car and into which it had been screwed. He reached up and removed the battery that supplied power to the detonator.

  He stuck it in his pocket, then ripped the plastic off the bottom of the truck. He pulled the entire contraption with him as he crawled out from under the Defender. He opened the rear of the truck and placed it all inside, then went around and opened the door.

  “Come on,” he called to Rhett, who had watched the disarming of the bomb with no interest at all.

  The dog jumped, feet scrabbling at the edge of the seat, and then he was in, moving over to the window, where he looked at Shane disapprovingly, a smear of snot on the dark glass.

  “It’s bullet- and blast-proof glass,” Shane said, trying to explain why he wasn’t rolling down the window.

  Rhett gave Shane a look that said, I just saved your life, but that’s okay.

  Shaking his head, Shane violated standing operating procedures and lowered the passenger window. Rhett stuck his head out, a happy camper.

  Shane spared a moment for what Wilson would say if he ever had to explain this-The dog wanted the window rolled down, and he’d saved me from being shot, so I violated procedure from gratitude-and then headed for Joey’s.

  If he wasn’t careful, Keyes was going to be the death of him.

  Agnes had heard the car doors slam and had said a fast prayer before she smoothed down the skirt of her red cotton sundress in an attempt to look like a lady or at least like Brenda, shoved her glasses up the bridge of her nose, and picked up the tray of lemonade and sweet tea.

  Then she’d carried the tray into the hall and out through the beautiful big carved double front doors, propped open now for some cross-ventilation because it was hotter than hell in the house; across the lovely veranda that would be even lovelier if it had some goddamn paint on it; down the wide gracious front steps that were a real bitch to negotiate with a tray that heavy not to mention sandals with heels, thank you; and over the front lawn to meet the new arrivals: Brenda, looking beautiful as ever in a full-skirted rayon number, and

  Evie, looking cool and boring in white piped beige Chanel and pearls, all but screaming, I got good taste and you don’t.

  “Agnes, you look lovely,” Evie said as she glided toward her.

  “Evie, I’m sweating like a racehorse,” Agnes said. “Let’s have the tasting in the gazebo, shall we?”

  “Certainly,” Evie said, changing course around the house toward the gazebo without missing a step.

  “Oh, Agnes, honey,” Brenda said, slowing as she saw the front door open. “You shouldn’t leave that door open, sugar, it’s bad for my grandfather clock.”

  You shouldn’t leave your grandfather clock here, it’s bad for my hall, Agnes thought, and then felt guilty because Brenda had given them such a deal on the mortgage, especially the first three months’ payments in exchange for holding the wedding there, so she just said, “Well, whenever you’re ready to move it out, Brenda, it’s right there waiting for you,” and steered them around the side of the house.

  “The gazebo looks beautiful,” Brenda said, gliding along the flagstone walk in her three-inch heels, and Agnes smiled because it really did and because Brenda was pleased with it. Then Brenda added, “That fresh paint just gleams, Agnes,” and let her eyes slide to the scabby-looking house.

  “Doyle’s putting the primer on the house today,” Agnes said, feeling guilt swamp her. “By Saturday, this place will look like Tara.” With butter.

  “I do hate to see you go to so much trouble,” Evie said, sweetly, “when the country club is just-”

  “No trouble,” Agnes said brightly. “Wait till you see the gazebo ceiling. It’s going to be perfect for the ceremony. Maria and Palmer will look adorable up there.” Did I just say ‘adorable’? She shook her head and led them across the lawn and up the steps to the table inside. “There now. Isn’t this lovely?”

  “You know, it is,” Evie said, sounding surprised as she looked up at the rafters that Doyle had painted blue and Agnes had added gold-leaf stars to.

  Brenda looked up at the ceiling and said, “Oh, Agnes, you do like things bright, bless your heart.”

  Agnes smiled uncertainly and looked up at the stars again. She’d thought they were beautiful, like an illustration out of an old book. Maybe she should have checked with Brenda first…

  “Well, I think they’re very nice,” Evie said firmly. “Neoclassical.”

  Agnes blinked at her in surprise.

  “Of course,” Brenda said,
smiling at Evie. “Neoclassical. Maria’s coming with Palmer. They’re just so darling together, don’t you think?”

  “Yes,” Evie said, with a noticeable lack of warmth. Her face remained smooth, so it was hard to tell if the coolness was for Brenda for being too familiar with a Keyes or for Maria for having the audacity to marry into the family. Nobody could object to Maria herself, but it might very well be sticking in Evie’s craw that this wedding meant she was eventually going to be the grandmother of a child who shared a bloodline with Frankie “Two Hands” Fortunato, now deceased, the whereabouts of his body unknown but presumably shod in paving material.

  On the other hand, Evie could rest assured that her grand kid would not be getting beat up on the playground nearly as regularly as his father had.

  Brenda said, “Agnes, where is that sweet old bloodhound of yours?”

  “Rhett? He went into town-”

  The bridge rattled and gravel crunched, and Agnes looked back to see a plain dark sedan pull up and Detective Hammond get out.

  Wonderful. “I’ll be right back,” she said, and crossed the lawn to tell him that he could do anything he wanted in her basement, not adding, as long as you stay away from the gazebo so they don’t hear words like attack and death. And frying pan.

  She went back to the gazebo, and Brenda and Evie leaned away from each other, as if they’d been conferring about something.

  Brenda looked past her and said, “Isn’t that Robbie Hammond? Whatever is he doing out here?”

  “Checking on some things,” Agnes said. “Now, I’ll go get the cakes-”

  “He was Maria’s first boyfriend,” Brenda said, sitting back with a fond smile. She turned to Evie. “They were very close.”

  What the hell are you doing? Agnes thought as Evie’s eyes narrowed, but before she could say anything, a bright pink Mustang convertible came over bridge. “Mother of God,” she said, appalled at what had been done to a classic car.

  Evie sighed. “The people at the Flamingo are very pleased with the golf course Palmer designed,” she said faintly. “So they sent the car.”

  “It’s pink” Agnes said, still staring.

  “Flamingo pink,” Evie said. “Palmer gave it to Maria.”

  “He’s no dummy,” Agnes said without thinking.

  “Well, isn’t it the cutest thing?” Brenda said, exchanging a glance with Agnes of mutual agreement that it wasn’t while Evie grew grimmer.

  “I’ll just go inside and get the cakes,” Agnes said.

  When she got back with the cake plate, Maria was in the gazebo, looking incredibly lovely, her long glossy dark hair caught up in a knot at the top of her head, making her big brown eyes and pointed features even more striking. For once, Palmer wasn’t staring at her adoringly, his slightly foolish features and slightly receding blond hairline fixed in her direction. Instead he was surveying Agnes’s extensive lawn, an unfocused look in his eyes, a dress bag draped over his arm as if he’d forgotten it was there.

  “Agnes!” Maria threw her arms around Agnes.

  “Hello, honey.” Agnes hugged back with one arm while she held the cake plate steady with the other. “How are you?”

  Maria smiled at her at little too widely, her eyes a little too bright. “Fine, now that I know you’re doing the cake.” She leaned closer and whispered, “Can you really do this?”

  “Yep.” Agnes sat the cake plate down to get better traction on the hug. “I have some ideas to cover up the fact that I’m not one of the world’s great cake artists, but I will bet you six M amp;M’S that you will have abeautiful cake anyway, and I swear it will be delicious, much better than Bern the Baker’s. His cake tastes like cardboard because he’s always concentrating on his sugar paste.”

  “Six M amp;M’S. High stakes.” Maria grinned the way she had when she’d been little, and Agnes felt her heart tug at the memory. “You’re on.”

  “Such a pity Bern canceled on you,” Evie murmured, watching her son from the corner of her eye, as if waiting for a sign that he wanted out of his engagement.

  “I was shocked when Bern told me he wasn’t going to do it after all,” Brenda said, her lovely face growing serious. “Some people do not know their places.”

  “So true,” Evie said, looking at Brenda.

  Mean, Agnes thought, and moved closer to Brenda.

  Off in the swamp, somebody fired a gun several times, and Agnes jerked around, expecting to see a guy in a bandanna come out of the swamp and demand her dog, but nothing happened except that Evie looked displeased. She didn’t legally own all of Keyes, but spiritually she did, and she clearly hadn’t put in an order for gunfire this morning.

  “So we’ll all sit down,” Agnes said brightly to cover up her nerves and the gunfire that continued. Damn hunters. “And we’ll taste cake. Palmer, you sit here, and I’ll get another chair-”

  “No, no.” Palmer turned and smiled, a genuine smile that surprised Agnes with its sweetness. “I tagged along and I don’t deserve cake. But I’d like to look at the lawn if you don’t mind.”

  Brenda looked up, puzzled. “Why would you want to look at my lawn-?”

  “Not yours,” Evie murmured.

  “The lawn?” Agnes said. “Of course I don’t mind.”

  Palmer kissed Maria’s cheek. “Pick a winner, darling,” he said, as if by rote.

  Maria patted his shoulder. “I already did, baby,” she said, equally without warmth.

  That doesn’t sound right, Agnes thought, but her real interest was in the woods where the shots had come from. All she needed was a stray bullet picking off a member of the wedding party, and there’d be hell to pay.

  Palmer draped the dress bag over the gazebo rail and wandered off, and Maria sat down and said, “So. Cake. Chocolate raspberry?”

  “The cupcakes,” Agnes said, concentrating on the important stuff, since the gunfire seemed to have stopped. “I know that’s your favorite, Maria, but the cake has to be strong enough to support the fondant, and that one’s pretty delicate. It’d be wonderful served with raspberry sauce at the rehearsal dinner, though. The raspberry sauce is in the silver bowl. The heart-shaped cakes are Italian cream cake and the round ones are pound cake, which is the only kind I’m positive will hold up the fondant. The square ones are a coconut pound cake that I’m trying out. I think it might work if you’re afraid plain pound cake is too boring, but I’m warning you now, I’m not an expert cake decorator, so the stronger the cake you give me to work with, the better chance you have of getting something that makes it through the reception.” Agnes picked up a plate.

  “I have to confess that I am concerned that the house isn’t painted yet,” Brenda said as Agnes put cakes on the first plate, and Agnes flinched.

  “It will be.” Agnes handed the plate to Maria. “Bride first.” Maria handed the plate to Evie. “Absolutely not. Mother of the groom first.”

  Evie accepted the plate. “Thank you, my dear. You have such lovely manners.”

  “Because if the house won’t be ready-” Brenda began.

  “It will be.” Agnes plopped cake on a second plate and then shoved that plate at Brenda, wondering what her problem was.

  Brenda frowned at the plate. “Now is this the china you’ll be using for the wedding, sugar?”

  “No,” Agnes said, distracted again. “Taylor’s got china on order to stock his catering kitchen in the barn, and we’ll be using that.”

  Brenda shook her head. “There’s an awful lot that isn’t in place -”

  “It will all be here,” Agnes said firmly. “The china, the house, the cake, the flowers, everything. Which reminds me, I tried calling the florist this morning to double-check on the delivery times, but I couldn’t get through. That’s not like Maisie. Is she sick?”

  “Oh, Maisie.” Brenda took the plate, shaking her head. “Poor old Maisie, always did have more boobs than brains, bless her heart.” She forked up a piece of the Italian cream cake, taking care not to drop any crumbs on he
r own significant cleavage. “You’re not going to believe this. She canceled.”

  Agnes stopped filling the third plate, and Evie and Maria froze, too. “What?”

  Brenda bit into the cream cake, hesitated, and shook her head. “Oh, I think that’s just a touch too sweet, Agnes, but then it’s too soft for your fondant anyway. What? Oh, Maisie. Well, you know how disorganized she is, incompetent really. She just felt overwhelmed by the whole thing and canceled.” She tasted the pound cake and pursed her perfect lips, although her forehead did not wrinkle. “I think the pound cake may be too dry. And you know you’ll have to cover it with the fondant at least the day before, probably two. So if it’s dry now…” She shook her head and then met Agnes’s eyes. “What? Oh, Maisie? Yes. I’m afraid you’ll have to do the flowers, too.”

  Agnes felt her temper rise, took a deep breath, and put the last cake on the plate. This isn’t like Brenda, Brenda’s on my side, I’ll just stay calm and find out what happened later, everything will be fine. She turned to Maria, whose jaw was set, but who did not look surprised. “I’ll fix it, you’ll have flowers,” she said quietly, while beside her Evie looked grim.

  Very good, Agnes. You control your anger; your anger does not controlyou.

  The morning’s not over yet, Dr. Garvin.

  Agnes turned and smiled at the table. “Look at this, I’ve been so anxious to get you all cake, I didn’t serve drinks. What have I been thinking?”

  Evie picked up the lemonade pitcher and began to pour. “This coconut pound cake is just delicious, Agnes, you have outdone yourself. Lemonade, anyone? Or sweet tea?”

  “You know, the chef at the country club does a nice cake,” Brenda said, taking a glass of lemonade.

  “This chocolate raspberry cake is really good,” Maria said, straightening.

  She had two bright spots of color on her cheeks and fire in her eye, and Agnes forgot Brenda’s betrayal for a moment because Maria was looking a lot like her mother. Lisa Livia may have grown up in the South, but she was descended from a long line of dons and hitmen and Brenda. And, Agnes thought with a sinking heart, Maria was descended from a long line of dons and hitmen and Brenda and Lisa Livia.