A Tale Of Two Witches

by Robyn Peterman

  A TALE OF TWO WITCHES

  MAGIC AND MAYHEM BOOK FIVE

  ROBYN PETERMAN

  WWW.ROBYNPETERMAN.COM

  Copyright © 2017 by Robyn Peterman

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.

  This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.

  Cover by Rebecca Poole of dreams2media

  Edited by Meg Weglarz

  Created with Vellum

  CONTENTS

  Books In This Series

  What Others Are Saying

  Acknowledgments

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Epilogue

  Note From The Author

  Check Out The Magic & Mayhem Kindle World

  My Three Favorite D’s

  Dakota Cassidy

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Deanna Chase

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Donna McDonald

  Chapter 1

  Robyn’s Book List (in correct reading order)

  About Robyn Peterman

  Books In This Series

  SWITCHING HOUR

  WITCH GLITCH

  A WITCH IN TIME

  MAGICALLY DELICIOUS

  A TALE OF TWO WITCHES

  What Others Are Saying

  “If Amy Schumer and Janet Evanovitch had a baby, it would be Robyn Peterman!”

  ~Dakota Cassidy

  USA Today Best Selling Author

  “Funny, fast-paced, and filled with laugh-out-loud dialogue. Robyn Peterman delivers a sidesplitting, sexy tale of powerful witches and magical delights. I devoured it in one sitting!”

  ~Ann Charles

  USA Today Bestselling Author

  of the Deadwood Humorous Mystery Series

  Acknowledgments

  The Magic and Mayhem Series is a delight to write. However, writing the story is only part of the journey to getting the book published. There are many people to thank and I’m a lucky girl to have such a talented and wonderful support system.

  Rebecca Poole—your covers are as brilliant as you are. Thank you.

  Meg Weglarz—your editing always makes me look better than I am. Thank you.

  Donna McDonald and JM Madden—a gal couldn’t ask for tougher, brilliant and more awesome critique partners. Thank you.

  Wanda, Melissa, Susan and Karen—you are the best-est beta readers in the world. Thank you.

  Wanda—you rock hard. Thank you, thank you and thank you again.

  My family—none of this would be worth it without you. Thank you for being mine. I adore you.

  Dedication

  For Steve, I will always have your back and I know you have mine.

  Chapter One

  “My Virginia has a heartbeat,” I whispered, keeping my stance very wide. “I think I made a huge mistake.”

  Standing in the bright, beautiful and airy kitchen of my BFF’s house, I decided to come clean. Zelda was a healer witch and I was definitely in the market for some magical restoration.

  “I’m going to ask a question that I really don’t want the answer to,” Zelda said, pulling on her wild curly red hair and staring at me like I’d grown two heads.

  I got that look a lot—from everyone. Whatever… I was fairly certain I was being clear. I wasn’t sure how much clearer I could get than telling her my girly parts had a pulse.

  “Go ahead,” I told her, holding my position. It was the only one that was working at the moment.

  “Why does your nether region have a heartbeat?”

  “If you’re going to speak French, I’m going to zap a massive hairy wart onto your chin. I’m having a crisis here,” I squeaked. “I’m talking about my va-jay-jay, not the weather season, for the love of the Goddess.”

  “I said… never mind.”

  I was pretty sure she was trying not to laugh. This was not a laughing matter. At all.

  “I went to the Hooch sisters,” I confessed as I went ghostly pale at the recent memory.

  “You did not.” Zelda groaned and winced like she’d been gut punched—hard.

  Hanging my head in mortification I had to admit the ugly truth. “I did.”

  It was not my best move, but I did it and I had to own it. My weather seasons were not going to let me forget it anytime soon.

  “What were you thinking?” Zelda gasped and grabbed the table so her knees didn’t give out.

  “I don’t know.” I began to pace and then thought better of it. Movement was not my friend in this predicament. “I thought it would be sexy—that Jeeves would think it was hot. Goddess, I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn’t thinking at all.”

  “Well, there’s something new,” Zelda mumbled.

  “I suppose I wanted to surprise Jeeves. He’s a total lights on kind of kangaroo. I thought an unvarnished Virginia would be a turn on.”

  “Did you just say unvarnished?”

  “I did.”

  “Okay, never ever put the visual of you and Jeeves in any kind of compromising position in my head again. Furthermore, never refer to your bits being unvarnished in my presence in this lifetime. If you do, I’ll turn your blonde hair green. You’re a witch. Why would you go to the Hooch sisters? You could have done a little voodoo on your hoohoo and gotten the same result without having to walk like you’ve been riding a horse for a month straight.”

  Dang, she had me there.

  “Well, I heard Wanda and DeeDee talking about it and I just…” I trailed off and then tried to maneuver into a more comfortable position.

  Not possible.

  I had done a tremendous amount of stupid things in my twenty-nine and three quarters years on the earth, but this one may have taken the cake. Ever since spending nine months in the pokey for the misuse of my magic—or rather, my penchant for blowing up buildings and stealing other witches’ boyfriends, I’d gotten a little bored. I craved excitement. However, getting a Brazilian from the sadistic Hooch sisters was too much excitement even for me.

  “Let me get this straight…” Zelda took a seat at the table and stared up at the ceiling. “You got your lady bits waxed and now said bits have a heartbeat?”

  “Yessss. And it hurt like a motherhumper. Those sisters are violent. They threw me all over the table and then they…”

  “Stop,” Zelda shouted, slapping her hands over her ears. “I do not want to have to go back to therapy because your Virginia got a hair cut. Trust me, I can imagine—no need to narrate.”

  “Virginia’s bald.”

  “Right,” Zelda replied, letting her head fall to her hands. “And you’re telling me this because you hate me?”

  “No, I love you. You’re my best friend. I’m telling you this because I need to be healed.”

  Zelda’s head snapped up and she pinned me with a stare that made
me think this was my second bad idea of the morning.

  “You do realize that whatever body part I heal, I take on that pain,” she ground out with her brows raised almost to her hairline.

  “Really?” I asked, shocked. “That sucks.”

  “For you,” she shot back. “I’m not taking on a throbbing Virginia because you’re an idiot.”

  “I see where you’re going with this,” I told her. “Do you have any frozen peas?”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Yes. Very. If you’re not going to heal me, the least you can do is let me ice my Virginia with your vegetables,” I said, thinking it was a reasonable request. “I mean, I can barely walk. It was hell flying over here on my broom.”

  “Dude, why in the Goddess’s name are you riding a broom if your Virginia is on fire? We don’t even need brooms to fly, dorko.”

  Without waiting for an answer, Zelda stomped over to the freezer and ransacked it. Muttering something rude about fire crotches, she tossed me a bag of frozen mixed veggies. Easing myself to the floor while keeping my legs as far apart as humanly possible, I gratefully put the bag on my weather seasons. I was going to learn French soon. Zelda spoke it entirely too often for me to not at least try to learn a few words.

  “I’ll return these when I’m done,” I promised.

  “Umm… no. You can keep them.”

  “Great. Thanks. Listen, do not ever go to those women. Ever,” I warned her. “They’re heinous. I’m pretty sure I created an entire new dictionary of swear words during my session.”

  “Sassy, I have no intention of going to the Hooch sisters. They’re buzzard Shifters and they have beady eyes, but thanks for the heads up,” Zelda said, biting back her laughter.

  “That’s what best friends are for,” I told her, giggling. “We have to look out for each other’s Virginias.”

  “Can’t say I’ve heard those requirements for a BFF, but you’re my first best friend.” Zelda’s grin was huge as she plopped down on the floor next to me. “You really are an idiot.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” I shot back with an eye roll and a laugh.

  “I do have something to tell you that you don’t know,” Zelda said, looking serious. “But I think it can wait until you only have one heartbeat.”

  “Will it be painful?”

  “Define painful.”

  “Shit. Even I know that’s not a good response,” I muttered. At least the peas and carrots were tamping down the inferno in my pants.

  Did I want to add more yuck to my plate this morning?

  No. No I didn’t.

  Avoiding the truth had worked out just fine for most of my life. I was finally happy. I had friends and a kangaroo Shifter who adored me. Never in my witchy life did I think I would have a place to call home with people who truly cared. Crappy news could wait. As soon as my crotch was mobile, I wanted to go home to the adorable little house I shared with Jeeves.

  “Let’s hold off,” I said. “Are the babies awake?”

  “Nope, the gorgeous little turds have their days and nights mixed up. Mac and I were up all night with them,” she said in a dreamy, happy voice.

  Audrey and Henry were Zelda and Mac’s one month old twins and the cutest wolf Shifter-witch babies in the world. Actually, they were the only wolf Shifter-witch babies in the world, but they were darn cute. They made me want some kangaroo Shifter-witch babies, but Jeeves and I weren’t mated yet.

  Honestly? I’d be terrified to raise a baby. My own mother didn’t want me and I had no freakin’ clue who my sperm donor was. I wasn’t exactly prime motherhood material, although Jeeves and I had adopted four full-grown chipmunk Shifters—Chip, Chad, Chunk and Chutney.

  My boys were as dumb as a box of hair but I adored them and they adored me back. And they weren’t really babies. If I had to guess, I’d say they were around thirty-ish.

  “You’re so lucky, Zelda,” I whispered as she nodded off on the floor next to me.

  I laid my head on her stomach and got comfortable. She smelled great and she loved me—well, she liked me a lot. She liked me more when I didn’t borrow her stuff. I was trying to give up my sticky fingered ways, but she had really good stuff.

  “We’re both lucky,” she mumbled groggily, right before she conked out.

  She was right. We’d been cellmates in a horrible prison for wayward witches and now we were BFF’s with bright futures ahead of us in the beautifully rundown Assjacket, West Virginia. I was never going to take my new luck for granted. Ever.

  As soon as my Virginia stopped vibrating, or when Zelda woke up, I was going to get my magical hiney back to my little family and continue my new happy life.

  No more life threatening or va-jay-jay ripping excitement for me.

  I was a witch reformed—for the most part.

  Chapter Two

  “I love you freaks. I really do,” I said, giving my best mom-stare to my adopted, full-grown chipmunk Shifter sons.

  At least I think it was a mom-stare. What the hell did I know about mothering—or mom-stares—or even moms in general? Mine had dropped me off at an orphanage for witches when I was seven. Whatever. I was doing the best I could, and as far as I was concerned, I was rocking it. All four of my boys were still breathing.

  “But if I step in gum one more time, I’m gonna have to zap you little butt knockers bald.”

  Chip, Chad, Chunk and Chutney nodded like bobble heads and smacked on their gum so hard, I was sure their jaws were going to come unhinged.

  “Sorry, Mom,” Chip said, grinning his cute little rodent grin that melted my heart.

  Goddess, for being such a naughty witch my entire life, I’d sure lucked out in the end. My boys were idiots, but they were mine and I was keeping them. They ate a lot, shed profusely and two of them snored—loudly, but that was a small price to pay for unconditional love.

  “Wonthappeneveragainohgreatmommywhoilovesomuch,” Chunk added.

  “I’m gonna say yes to that even though I have no clue what in the Goddess’s name you just said,” I told him with a hesitant thumbs up. Understanding Chunk was like trying to decipher Zelda’s French, so I usually just smiled and nodded. So far that was working out great. I did hear the words mommy and love, so I figured I was safe.

  “Have you guys ever thought about chewing on straws or something like that instead of gum?” I asked, straightening Chad’s collar.

  The boys were lined up side by side on the Shabby Chic couch Jeeves and I had bought for our adorable little house. It wasn’t quite big enough for the six of us, but we were making it work.

  My chipmunks liked to dress in matching outfits—usually overalls or rompers. I think it threw some people off considering they looked about thirty. They were tiny in stature and all had a shock of wiry brown hair that stuck straight up on their heads—freakin’ adorable.

  “Straws won’t work,” Chutney explained. “Has to be nuts or gum.”

  “If we don’t eat nuts or chew gum, we’ll eat the insides of our mouths clean off. We’re vegetarians so self-cannibalism isn’t real appealing,” Chad said.

  “Mmm… kay, I understand. The gum is necessary,” I repeated, patting each of them lovingly on the head. “I really don’t want you to gnaw your own faces off. That would be gross and I have a very active gag reflex. So, you can chew as long as the shit stays in your mouth.”

  My boys were trying hard to walk a straight and narrow line of living a mostly legal existence. I was perfect for them as I was working on the same thing. Of course, the way they’d come into our lives wasn’t the best. Chip, Chad and Chunk had tried to kill Zelda. However, it wasn’t their fault. The boys were being blackmailed by the evil shithole of a warlock, Bermangoggleshitz. The nasty bastard had been holding Chutney hostage until the idiots repaid a gambling debt. In the end, because Zelda was totally amazeballs, she paid off the debt and pardoned the chipmunks. They were now working it off as permanent residents of Assjacket.

  “Will do,
Mommy,” Chutney said sweetly. “Shit will stay in the mouth.”

  “Umm… okay.” I pulled on my blonde curls and hoped to hell and back that he knew I didn’t mean actual shit.

  “Dontwannbebaldcantgetlaidwithnohair,” Chunk added.

  I smiled in complete confusion and glanced over at Chip. He was a great interpreter for his brother.

  “He said you can’t get laid if you’re bald.”

  “Well, I sure as hell hope that’s not true,” I shouted, thinking about my violently de-haired Virginia.

  If I’d gone to all that painful trouble and didn’t get laid for it…

  “Bald is sexy,” I insisted.

  “Really?” Chad asked with his face scrunched in doubt.

  “It had better be,” I muttered.

  My boys were cute in an inbred redneck kind of way—and I knew immediately they were the children for me. The chipmunks were definitely lacking in the brain department and couldn’t kill a flea. They would have never actually gone through with offing Zelda. They were vegetarians for crying out loud. Jeeves was all in because he too had been adopted. Mac, our Alpha and Zelda’s mate, had found him when he was just a tiny joey— abandoned and left on the side of the road in Australia. Mac took him in and brought him home to Assjacket.

  “Aren’t you people supposed to be at work?” I asked.

  I moseyed over to the freezer and put the bag of mixed veggies in there just in case my Virginia needed to be iced down again. Thankfully I was moving almost normally now.

  Jeeves would be appalled by the frozen vegetables. He was a chef—a real one. My man cooked everything from scratch and it was unbelievably delicious. Walking back to the freezer, I buried the offensive bag under a tub of frozen eye of newt. He’d never find it there.

  Jeeves steered clear of everything I used for spells. After his disaster of mistakenly adding eel eyes and moon milk to Mac’s birthday cake—which exploded while singing bad opera—I now labeled all my magical crap. Warbling and erupting desserts were not conducive to friendly gatherings.