A Tale Of Two Witches

by Robyn Peterman

  My stomach rose to my throat and I thought I would heave, but the magic bounced right off of the whack job and flew back at the warlock who shot it. The shocked minion screamed in terror right before he blew up into so many pieces he was permanently unrecognizable.

  “Behind you, Sassy,” Zelda yelled as she popped one gunning for her.

  Turning on a dime, I shrieked for all I was worth and watch in morbid fascination as the horned killer exploded and disappeared into thin air. It was all kinds of satisfying, but the knife-like blast of magic to my chest wasn’t so great.

  Hitting the ground with a sickening thud, I put my hands to my chest to ease the pain. There was no easing this kind of pain. I rolled and tried to move out of the path of the next shot, but the agony was so intense movement was impossible.

  “Incoming,” Fat Bastard grunted as he landed on top of me. I was pretty sure his balls were in the vicinity of my mouth, but I was too out of it to care.

  I saw the sizzling magic headed for us and in my panic I tried to push Fat Bastard to safety. I was unsure how many blasts the cat could take. I had a chance of surviving the dark magic, but if he got hit he would probably die.

  “Go,” I begged. “Get away from me.”

  “Not happenin’, dollface,” he grunted.

  I was now sure his balls were even with my nose, but I didn’t care. The cat was brave… or stupid… or both.

  The impact was horrifying, but the result was insane. We flew about ten feet in the air, but the magic didn’t pierce us. Nope, it flew right back at the piece of trash that sent it. The sound of his demise was the most beautiful music I’d ever heard.

  I was never going to wax the cats again. Never. Ever. Ever.

  “We got them,” Zelda yelled triumphantly. “All of them.”

  “The demons?” I asked crawling to my feet with extreme effort.

  “They’re next.”

  They floated menacingly above us with smiles on their faces that made me shudder. Long pointed teeth dripping with blood protruded from their mouths. Fingernails that were as sharp as any knife I’d ever seen lined their seven fingered hands. Instead of two eyes, they had eyes all over their face and a tiny hole in the middle that I assumed was some kind of nose. They were hideous.

  I’d expected them to be bigger, but with fangs and nails like that, I supposed nobody really wanted to fuck with them. I certainly didn’t.

  “Jeeves, are you ready?” Zelda called out.

  The demons looked around with curiosity. I was sure they thought Zelda had lost it talking to people who weren’t there.

  “Yes,” Jeeves called out in a deeper voice than I’d ever heard him use. It was scary and hot, but considering the circumstances—mostly scary.

  “Mac?” Zelda questioned.

  “Yes,” he replied.

  “Sassy. Green shit on stand by?”

  Reaching in my pocket, I thanked the Goddess that it hadn’t been destroyed in the fight. “Yes.”

  “All right, you demons. You have a choice. Normally I don’t give choices, but I like Sassy’s style. We can do this the hard way or the easy way.”

  “And what is the choice, witch?” one of the demons asked in a voice so oily and haunted, it was all I could do not to run for cover.

  “You can go back to hell of your own accord, or we’ll send you back the way we want.”

  Their eerie laughter boomed through the decimated field. The black snakes slithered and danced at their feet as the demons descended to the ground.

  “I’d like to see you try,” one demon snarled as he set the field on fire around him.

  “You sure about that?” Zelda asked politely.

  “Quite,” he replied, gnashing his fangs and brandishing his nails at her. “You aren’t capable of sending us anywhere. We’re here to stay.”

  “Actually, you’re not,” Jeeves said materializing, much to the shock of both me and Zelda.

  “Oh, my Goddess,” I gasped out in warning to the love of my life. “They can see you. The cloaking dropped.”

  Jeeves shook his head and pressed a finger to his lips to silence me. “I dropped it, Sassy. It’s okay. I promise.”

  How could it be okay? He was in his human form and had no magic to fight the demons. Why would he do something so stupid? As I moved to shield him from sure death, Mac’s invisible hands held me back.

  “Let him do this, Sassy,” he whispered in my ear. “This is what he was born to do.”

  “I love him.”

  “I know you do,” Mac assured me. “And he loves you.”

  “I can’t lose him. I’ll die.”

  Mac was silent for a brief moment. “You won’t, Sassy. I promise.”

  I just hoped Mac was making a promise he could keep.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “A Shifter?” the demon snarled with a bone-chilling laugh. “How fun.”

  Jeeves smiled and began removing his clothes. His eyes never strayed from the demons and he took his sweet time. His naked body was a work of art, but this time I had no sexual urges. I was far too terrified for his life.

  “So let me guess,” the more talkative of the two demons said with a chuckle. “You’re a wolf?”

  “Nope. Try again.”

  “A lion?” he guessed.

  “No.”

  “A hyena?”

  “Definitely not a hyena,” Jeeves replied with a grin. “I’m something far more interesting.”

  “I’m growing bored,” the demon said, feigning a yawn as his teeth clicked grotesquely. “I think I’d very much like to kill you... and then have you for an afternoon snack. Shifters—no matter the breed—can be quite tasty. Go ahead and shift so we can get playtime over with. I have a world to terrorize.”

  “And I’m hungry,” the other demon added with a deranged cackle.

  “You’re sure?” Jeeves inquired, approaching them with very sure footing.

  “Yessssss,” the demon hissed. “Very sure. You have one minute until I fry you where you stand.”

  “Medium rare to bloody, please,” his cohort said, eyeing Jeeves hungrily.

  “Good to know you have a discerning palate. A minute works for me—gives you about fifty nine seconds before I send you back to hell,” Jeeves shot back flatly.

  Goddess, I prayed he knew what he was doing. My man wasn’t a killer. He was a lover—he was my lover and I wanted him to stay that way. It took everything I had and then some not to fly over and pluck him out of the deadly mess. But Mac’s words were still in my head. This is what Jeeves was born to do. Shit, I was so okay with him just being a chef.

  “Priceless,” the demon shouted with something I assumed was laughter, but sounded more like wounded animals dying.

  The two vicious idiots doubled over at the assumed hilarity of their situation and bought us some time. Their stupidity was our gift and we took full advantage.

  Mac materialized beside me and dropped to his knees on the ground. Zelda sprinted over so quickly I almost didn’t see her move. She shielded Mac with her glowing body as the cats moved in and made a semi circle in front of us. They’d pulled the unconscious and dying Bermangoggleshitz with them.

  “Youse guys need to stay low. If them fuckers throw a machete, it ain’t gonna bounce,” Fat Bastard grunted.

  “What will it do?” I asked, glancing down at my sperm donor to see if he was still breathing.

  Bermangoggleshitz coughed and blood trickled from his lips. His eyes met mine and I think he tried to smile. It was so awful looking I wasn’t sure.

  “Use me as a shield. The blades will kill you,” Bermangoggleshitz choked out as blood began to pour from his mouth.

  “But the blades will kill you too,” I pointed out.

  “Let me do something right. Please. It would be my honor to defend you.”

  Silent glances were exchanged. No one spoke—what was there to say? Shrugging, the cats took him for his word and pushed his huge body to the front. Every fiber of me want
ed to stop them, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.

  The ground around us quivered and a breeze that smelled like grass after a spring rain permeated the air. Sunlight peeked through the dark clouds as Jeeves body shimmered and he shifted into his natural form. However, this was far different than the kangaroo I’d seen too many times to count.

  He was more than twice the size I was used to and his fangs looked positively prehistoric. The growl that came from deep inside him was so loud it vibrated through my body. Fear and pride washed over me, but mostly fear. Losing Jeeves wasn’t an option.

  Every single eye on the horrible demon’s heads grew wide and high-pitched screams left their lips splintering the trees still standing.

  “Mac. Now,” Zelda shouted.

  Mac closed his eyes and began to chant. The earth rumbled, but the demons didn’t take notice. They roared and began to retreat from the Demon Slayer—my Demon Slayer.

  “Them cowards is running,” Jango Fett shouted. “Get ‘em Jeeves.”

  Jeeves didn’t have to be told twice. With speed I’d never witnessed from a Shifter, he lunged at the gutless demons and it got ugly fast. They danced a macabre dance, fangs gnashing and blood flying. The power of Jeeves’ hind legs was something to behold, but it was all happening so quickly I wasn’t sure who was winning.

  The ground groaned as it cracked and opened.

  “Up, up, up,” Zelda yelled as she waved her hands and floated about three feet off the ground. She held onto Mac and used her other hand to throw a spell to lift the cats to safety. The semi furred felines hung like sacks of semi-hairy flour around her.

  “Sassy, off the ground,” Zelda commanded in a voice that reminded me alarmingly of Baba Yaga.

  Levitating so I didn’t get swallowed into the hole to hell, I realized I had a decision to make—an important one—a possibly a life changing one. Bermangoggleshitz didn’t have enough power left to take to the air for safety. My father lay dying on the ground and watched me hover over him. His eyes never left mine. My heart felt like a stone in my chest and my eyes blurred with tears of both sorrow and anger. It would be so easy to let him fall to hell, but…

  I couldn’t do it.

  He was bad. He was evil, but he was mine. Before I could let him die he had some explaining to do. He owed me that. Snapping my fingers, I raised him from the ground to safety. His eyes grew wide but he wisely said nothing. Bermangoggleshitz wasn’t my concern right now. The kangaroo who truly loved me and had my back was.

  “Jeeves, go now,” Zelda bellowed. “Go, go, go!”

  With a roar that tore through the burning field and echoed like an explosion, Jeeves bounced twice and bound toward the demons with such speed he literally disappeared. The screams from the furious demons were paralyzing and the nicest man in the world viciously demonstrated his Goddess given gift. Kick after brutal kick, Jeeves went at them like a kangaroo possessed. It was beautiful and scary and amazing. Trying to focus on what exactly was happening was impossible—but I was pretty sure Jeeves was winning.

  Please Goddess, let Jeeves be winning.

  And then with a battle cry that I was sure could be heard all the way to the Next Adventure, Jeeves’ massive feet kicked the demons so savagely they broke into several pieces.

  “Them bad guys ain’t dead,” Fat Bastard insisted, frantically. “They’s gonna grow back together fast.”

  “He’s right,” my father said, weakly. “You have about a minute.”

  “Sassy,” Zelda yelled. “Green goop now!”

  Flying over like a bullet out of a gun, I uncapped the bottle and spread it over the bloody pieces of the quickly regenerating demons.

  “It’s open,” Mac bellowed as Jeeves heaved in a huge breath and kicked every single piece of the evil shits into the crack in the earth. They were now on a one-way trip back to hell.

  Grabbing Jeeves by the fur on his massive neck, I held on for dear life as I dragged him away from the deadly opening. His enormous muscles twitched and jerked beneath my trembling hands, but I didn’t let go. I was never going to let him go. We were suspended over the mouth of hell. Fire and oozing goo sizzled beneath us. The screams of the now angelic demons were horrifying as they slid into the burning abyss. It wouldn’t go well for them upon their return. I was certain of it. However, I didn’t care. Not one bit.

  As the demons disappeared into the pit, the hole began to close. It creaked and groaned just as it had when it opened. I could hear Mac chanting. The melody was haunting and beautiful and I seriously hoped I would not hear that particular song again any time soon.

  By the grace of the Goddess, we were all alive. The black clouds began to waft away and the sky turned a brilliant blue. Sunlight bathed the bloody, charred field and one by one the bodies of the dead warlocks and all the snakes turned to ash and blew away on the breeze.

  The Goddess was apparently on clean up duty.

  Lowering Jeeves to the ground, I threw myself at his huge body and sobbed. He was everything to me and he was so much more than I ever knew. Marge had better have been correct about the green shit erasing the memories of what had happened from the minds of the demons—because she’d certainly fucked up the timeline of the cloaking.

  “You were amazing,” I choked out to Jeeves as he shimmered and took back his human form. He was covered in deep cuts and bruises, but he was alive.

  “And so were you, Sassy Louise Bermangoggleshitz Pants,” he replied, planting a kiss on my lips that was so loving my waterworks started up again.

  “Don’t you ever do that again. Pretty sure I lost a few decades off my life,” I snapped, giving him the momball I reserved for our boys when they were naughty. Of course it probably didn’t have the desired effect since I was also crying and grinning from ear to ear.

  “Let’s hope I don’t have to, Baby.”

  “From your mouth to the Goddess’s ears.” Holding him wasn’t enough. I wanted to crawl inside him and keep him safe forever… but he was as strong as I was, in a different way. The nicest man in the world was also the last of the Marsupial Demon Slayers.

  Goddess, that was all kinds of hot.

  “Sassy,” Zelda called out as she stood over my barely breathing father. “What do you want to do with your sperm donor?”

  Separating myself from Jeeves and walking over to the dying man on the ground, I simply stared at him. He’d lost consciousness and didn’t have long for our world. A small portion of the heinous side of his face had become beautiful again. My guess was that good deeds helped bring him back to the light. Offering to be a shield for us must have bought him a little more humanity.

  Baby Audrey’s words rang in my mind and this time I didn’t push them away. Your dad still has a little light left in him. You will be the reason he comes back to us or falls so far into the dark he will never be able to.

  Did I want to deal with this? Could I deal with this?

  Sighing, I knelt down beside the man who’d been partially responsible for bringing me into the world. He was a horrible excuse for a father and he was a very bad man, but…

  “Zelda, I’m about to ask you for a favor that I’m not sure I can ever repay,” I started haltingly as my heart beat wildly in my chest. “I want you to heal him.”

  “Are you sure? I don’t know if it will work,” she said as she got down on her knees beside me.

  “No, I’m not sure, but it feels right. I want you to try,” I whispered as I glanced over at my best friend. “Is this going to hurt you?”

  She nodded tersely and rolled her neck. “It’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker to absorb all of his injuries, but I’ll do it for you.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “Can I take some of the pain for you?”

  Shaking her head, Zelda gave me an eye roll that made me smile. “No, Sassy Pants, you can’t, but I appreciate the offer.”

  “Youse broads are making the Bastard cry. The Bastard never cries,” Fat Bastard announced as he wedged his l
umpy body between mine and Zelda’s.

  “This here’s an unusually farked up case,” Jango Fett added as he too crammed himself into our now foursome. “Youse boys ready to get your nads electrocuted?”

  “Yep,” Boba Fett grumbled as he shoved me over to make room for his wide kitty girth.

  “What in the Goddess’s name are you assheads talking about?” Zelda asked, staring down at her testicle-obsessed familiars.

  “Well, sugar butt, as I sees it, healing this ugly motherhumper will put youse out of commission for at least a few months to a year. Right?” Fat Bastard asked.

  “Possibly,” she agreed.

  “A few months to a year?” I shouted, completely shocked. This was too much to ask. “No,” I began, only to be silenced by a kitty paw.

  “As weese see it, we could knock down the recovery time to a few hours,” Jango said.

  “How?” Zelda asked, confused.

  All three of her rotund felines rolled their eyes and grabbed their balls in unison. “On account of us bein’ your familiars,” Jango told her as if that should answer the question.

  “I already know that, you douchecanoes,” she snapped.

  “But what youse don’t know is that we can share the love,” Fat Bastard explained.

  “Or the pain,” Boba added, nodding his little head with pride.

  “You can?” Zelda whispered, eyes wide.

  “Youse bet your fine asscheeks we can,” Fat Bastard confirmed. “Course there’s a price.”

  “Name your terms,” I said quickly. “I’ll pay them.”

  “So will I,” Jeeves said.

  “I’m in,” Mac added.

  The cats grinned and exchanged conspiratorial glances. “Shall I take this one, boys?” Fat Bastard inquired, enjoying himself immensely.

  “You bet your tremendously impressive balls, youse can,” Jango said as Boba nodded with enthusiasm.

  Clearing his throat, Fat Bastard sat back on his haunches and crossed his paws over his fleshy chest. “The price ain’t money. Weese want free reign to lick our nads in public.”

  “Fine,” Zelda said with only a slight wince.

  “No more threatenin’ the removal of the jewels,” he added.