Rocked Under

by Hawkes, Cora

  ƀ

  Chapter Twenty-five

  "Are you okay?" Ash came up looking flustered, eyes wide.o lndidth="0" I had been walking around in a daze since my run in with Scott this morning.

  "Yeah, why?" I frowned. Obviously something had happened.

  She looked worried, "Come with me." She led me somewhere more private.

  "What's wrong?" I didn't like the way she was acting.

  "It's out. Everyone knows."

  It took me a second to wonder what she was going on about and then my hand flew to my mouth. "Oh my God!" I was stunned and I looked around me, people had been giving me odd looks all day. "How?"

  "Adam," She sneered.

  "Shit." My stomach clenched.

  "Look, don't worry. Go home early and I'll meet you there soon, okay?" She put her hand on my shoulder, "It's not that big a deal so don't panic."

  I walked home like I was running on automatic. How could this happen now? I should've known better to believe that I could leave it all in the past. That my regrets wouldn't follow me over here. Thoughts of moving again crossed my mind but I couldn't and wouldn't run forever. It had been a stupid mistake, didn't everyone do something that they regretted?

  I hadn't been home for five minutes when someone knocked on the door. I ignored it, I didn't want to see anyone.

  "Emma, I know you're in there."

  Scott; the last person I wanted to see. "Go away!" I didn't want to see him right now, not after this morning.

  "Please, Emma..." He banged again.

  Something in his voice made me go to the door and open it.

  He stood there in a mess. His hair was all over the place like he'd been pulling at it and he was pale.

  "Have you come to—“

  Scott caught me close to him and held me tightly.

  I relaxed into him but then stilled as this morning came back. Why was he being like this now? I tried to push him away.

  "Get off of me, Scott!"

  "No, I won't let you go," he growled.

  He was angry? Good! "Why not?" I continued to push him away, "You hate me, remember? You go out of your way to make me feel like shit and then a few hours later expect a hug?" I beat at his chest with my fists, "You don't get to fucking touch me! You don't even fucking know me so get your bloody hands off of me right now!" I pummelled him on and on and he took it.

  He wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug with my arms stuck to my sides, I struggled and struggled but he wouldn't let go. Eventually, after exhausting myself, my anger faded and I went limp. The silence stretched out between us and then he released me slowly and I stepped back.

  He was watching me with pain across his face. I wanted to wipe it away, even after everything, I wanted to make him smile, see his face light up like it used to. I was such a sucker for him and I hated that part of myself.

  "I'm sorry for what I did earlier," he put his hand through his hair, "I don't know what the fuck I was thinking."

  I nodded and looked away. "I suppose you heard about me too."

  "Yeah, that's why I'm here. I came to see if you're okay and obviously you're not."

  "Did you watch it?" I looked down at my feet.

  A finger lifted my chin until I was looking at him again. "Yeah, I watched it." His eyes were probing, searching for answers.

  I sighed and closed my eyes. "Is it bad?"

  He frowned in surprise, "You haven't seen it?"

  "No, I could never bring myself to."

  "What happened?"

  "How much do you know?" I tried to lower my face again but he wouldn't let me.

  "I know that you're filthy rich." He smiled and wiggled his brows.

  A laugh escaped my lips, the sound surprising me. How could I laugh now? When was the last time I had heard my laugh?

  "You can trust me, babe. I won't judge you. You said that I don't know you but that's not true. I know who you are now and, to me, that matters more. It's the person you are inside that counts and you're beautiful. You're beautiful outside too but that's not what's got to me." He put a hand over my heart, "This has."

  I could see the sincerity in his eyes and hear it in his voice. My lips trembled. He saw it and moved his hand from my heart to rub his thumb along my bottom lip.

  His eyes gazed into mine and the familiar heat rippled under my skin. My breaths became shallow. He moved his hand again and cupped the side of my face but he had that pained expression again and dropped his hand into my lap to curl around my hands. Disappointment had never been so cruel as it was then but I closed the lid on it. His words had touched me. Nobody had ever said anything like that to me before and I suddenly realised that even though Scott and I don't always get on, he's always there when I need him.

  He may not love me but he cared about me a great deal and that lifted my spirits to a high that was the last thing I expected right then.

  "Baby, what happened?" He asked with gentleness, careful not to push too hard.

  I looked down at our clasped hands. “The night that video was taken I had just found my dad in his apartment, sniffing coke in his underwear with some tart who was also in her underwear. She was closer to my age than his." I hesitated and looked up at Scott.

  "Jesus. Go on, baby," he nudged.

  "My dad is big news over there," I shook my head, "I'm not going into the boring details, but I was so angry that I wanted to hurt him like he'd hurt my mum and I. I–oh God!" my hands came up to my face. "I dont even want to say what I did.”

  Scott pulled my hands away and turned me to look at him, "Emma, you saw your dad cheating on your mum. That’s something no son or daughter should have to go through so don't you dare hide your face, it's not you that should feel ashamed. He sounds like an asshole." His eyes burned into mine, conveying what he felt towards my father.

  “My dad wasn’t always such a bastard. He used to be the best dad," I smiled faintly but it was bittersweet. "And I was his little princess. I remember a time when he used to be my hero and nobody could compare to him. He met my mum here, you know. They got married, had me, and my dad is British so he wanted to move back over there–"

  "You were born here?" Scott seemed surprised.

  "Yeah, didn't I tell you that?"

  He shook his head.

  "Anyway, we lived on the outskirts of London and everything was fine until he stopped coming home some nights and started to stay at his apartment in the city. I was ten so I didn't really think much of it but I remember that I missed him coming home, you know?"

  Scott nodded.

  "That went on for a couple of years and by the time my twelfth birthday come around, my parents were arguing all the time in private but in public we had to put on the perfect family act." My mouth curled at the memory of it. The only time my dad showed me and my mum affection was when we were at a party or a charity event.

  "Mum got lonely and slipped into depression. As time went on, he stopped caring and coming home completely. Mum was a mess and stopped going out, she cried a lot and I was mad at him for doing it. Looking back, I realise that she must have known he was messing around for years before that night. But she loved him so she stayed, thinking that things would go back to the way they used to be. Dad would come home once in a blue moon and he would have his pictures taken in the papers with beautiful young women on his arm. When my mum would ask, he would get angry and say that she was looking into things too deeply."

  "I wasn't the best daughter either. I left her almost every weekend once I turned sixteen to go out and get pissed." I looked down, "I couldn't stand to be around her like that and she wouldn't help herself. She loved him and loves him still. She stopped caring about me through her depression and I was basically on my own. I hated him for what he had done to her and I'd had enough of it."

  "I drove to his apartment, to have it out with him but when I walked in I found them together, sniffing coke and drinking and, um..."

  "You don't have to say it, babe."

  "I rem
ember the look on the woman’s face and I just ce 0000wanted to kill her." I closed my eyes and I felt Scott squeeze my hand in support.

  "I remember shouting at him, calling him a bastard, and then I ran. He called after me but I ignored him. I’ll never forget the shock on his face. I instantly wanted revenge."

  A sob broke out from my lips, "I wasn't thinking rationally, I never do when I'm angry. I went into the most exclusive club in London where I was known and got out of my face. I scored some coke and did it right in front of everyone while calling my dad a cheating bastard. I was wrecked, totally wasted and danced like a fucking stripper — well, you saw it didn't you." Tears flowed freely down my face.

  "I thought, if he could misbehave then so can I. I spent most of my life being told how to act and speak in public like a lady but I wanted him to know that I'd had enough and mum and I wouldn't be pretending anymore. In my anger, I let a guy record me sniffing that crap, I hated it but I wanted to show him that I wasn’t his little princess anymore.”

  Scott seemed totally unsurprised by it all.

  “The next day it was everywhere, in the papers, online and I was literally the talk of Britain. My reputation as the perfect daughter died that night and I–I was glad. My mum went nuts so I told her what had happened and why I did it. In a way, it was a blessing in disguise because it made her see that she needed to do something. She banned him from coming to see us at the house and divorced him on the grounds of adultery, took half of everything and moved us over here."

  "I realise now that he has a cocaine habit but he could’ve been honest with us, we could’ve helped him. My mum spent years trapped in her own love for this one man who was making both of us miserable.”

  Scott wiped my tears away again and held me tight. "Baby, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I wish I could've been there for you."

  “Scott?” I said in a small voice as I looked up at him.

  “What, baby?”

  “I’m so glad that you’re here, I mean, I know we haven’t been on the best of terms lately but I’m happy that you don’t hate me.”

  He shook his head, “I could never hate you.” His voice was low and rough as his eyes pinned mine. “Never.”

  ƀ

  Chapter Twenty-six

  The beginning of February came around and excitement fizzed within me as I got ready to go to Macy's to watch Scott's gig. He had been my rock for me recently so the least I could do was keep my promise to get out of the apartment tonight and actually listen to some of his new stuff. The thought of seeing him on stage after so long had me shaking as I applied my make up.

  I hadn't been out for weeks, not since it all come out and it was all thanks to Adam and his detent>ctive work. Scott went after him for it and we heard that he got transferred somewhere else, which pleased me. Scott never talked about what happened but I know he threatened him to leave me alone. It must have been a good threat. So, while I was sort of hiding, I spent most of my time catching up with work, reading and watching movies while I came to terms with everything. Since leaving England, I hadn't let myself think about anything in depth but since talking to my mum I saw things differently. My feelings towards my dad changed somehow.

  I spent the last weeks thinking things through from an adults perspective, instead of through the eyes of a hurt child. Things were never black and white, and I realised that, in his own way, my dad hid his habit from us through shame. Maybe he didn't stay away because he didn't love us, but maybe it was because he did love us. My memories of him before all the shit happened were that of a family man who loved his wife and his daughter.

  I remember he used to tuck me into my bed at night and read to me softly until I was asleep. I remembered the moments when he would look at me through soft, dark coffee eyes that were full of love. There were so many things I remembered that conflicted strongly with the man he was today. I knew I needed to talk to him and one day I would but just, not yet.

  We arrived and went straight to our table which was reserved for us. As friends of Scott’s, we would always have this table to ourselves. When Scott came on stage, it was the usual buzz. Girls screamed his name as they rushed to the front in a frenzied battle to be the one who caught his attention first. He stood there, much like he had on his first night, silhouetted against the spotlight. He was silent. Still. A hush came over the building while they waited for him to start.

  When he did, my heart leapt into my throat. He was looking directly at me with a sexy smile and a wink. Eyes turned towards me, girls eyed me with unveiled envy. His gaze trapped mine and I suddenly felt as though we were the only two people in the room. It was like he was a different person on stage. As though he felt braver, like anything could and would happen.

  I looked away but only because the stares I was getting was making me uneasy. I sneaked a peek back to Scott but he was still watching me as he sang his ballad. I glowered at him while shaking my head and I knew he got the message as he grinned and looked away. I finished my drink and got up to dance. I stayed towards the back and started swaying, moving with the music, letting it guide my body.

  Scott’s eyes touched me every now and then but I didn’t mind. Every time Scott was on stage, it was like falling under his spell all over again and I loved and hated that feeling all at once. When he came off stage he came over to me and planted a kiss on my cheek. This was a new thing with him. He always kissed me now but it was always in a friendly way.

  “You actually came out from your fuckin' cave,” he slung his arm around my shoulders, his eyes twinkling.

  “I told yo">shouldeu I would,” I looked up into his handsome face, taking in every fine detail.

  “You wanna dance?”

  “I’m going to get a drink. Later?”

  He nodded and let me go.

  A while later I saw him dancing with someone. I watched him and every now and then, he would glance at me and then look away. I didn't know why he felt so protective of me but a part of me revelled in the feeling of being safe and having someone there to watch my back. I'd never had that before. Most of the friends I had back home were handpicked by my dad because of their parents social status.

  A man came up behind the girl Scott was dancing with and pulled her away from Scott. I stopped dancing. The girl struggled out of his hold and Scott stepped in, trying to pull the girl back to him. Fear licked the back of my neck. The guy came close to Scott and punched him in the stomach, winding him. My hand went to my mouth as Scott doubled over and watched the guy walk away, leaving the girl stroking Scott’s back. Scott looked up then, looking for the guy and started after him with angry strides towards the exit, his fists curled tight at his sides.

  In a hurry, I ran to find Newton. I spotted him after seconds and pegged it towards him, pushing sweaty bodies rudely out of my way.

  “Newton!” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I neared him. “Scott’s in a fight outside, you gotta come. Now!”

  Newton, Bone and Alan pushed past me and ran for the exit with me hot on their heels. I had a bad feeling, a sick weight in my stomach.

  Outside there was only people hanging around but we heard grunts from the alley. We quickly ran and saw Scott on the ground curled into ball while three men laid into him. They were kicking him repeatedly while he was down. I wanted to throw up at the sight of him so helpless as they beat him.

  “Scott!” I screamed in panic.

  “Get the fuck off him!” Bone shouted as he went in for the biggest man and tore him away by his shirt whilst throwing a punch with his other hand.

  A brawl started between the six guys but I was worrying more about Scott. I ran over to him and fell on my knees next to his still body.

  News stories of people dying after being punched in the wrong spot on the head came back to me as I looked at his bloody form. “Oh no, Scott!” Tears flowed down my cheeks. He was curled up and I touched his head, blood was everywhere so I couldn't tell where he was hurt.

  “Scott?” I
shook him, “Scott, oh God! Please wake up!” My heart stopped and then sprinted at an alarming rate. I couldn't breath and blood rushed in my ears. He wasn’t moving. I started to shake as I put my fingers to the side of his neck and felt his strong pulse. Relief was so sharp and swift that a wail escaped my lips. He was unconscious. I pulled my phone out and dialled 999 only to hang up and call 911 for an ambulance whilst the fight was still going on around me.

  After hanging up I ran my fingers through his hair and cried. What if he didn’t wake up? What if he went into a coma? What if his brain had been damaged? What if I never saw him smile again? If I had to live without him looking at me as though I was his everything again I think I would crumble.

  Chaos surrounded us as I lifted his head gently off the cold concrete onto my lap.

  I sniffed. "Please be okay.”

  A low groan escaped his lips, “Emma…”

  I froze, unable to believe he had said my name. “It’s okay, don’t move. An ambulance is on the way.”