Rocked Under

by Hawkes, Cora

  “Come on, lets get you iletwas nto bed for now. You need to rest, you can’t face anything tomorrow until you rest.”

  I helped him up from the bathroom floor, where we had ended up, into his bedroom and took his jeans and shirt off before helping him into bed.

  “Do you want me to get you anything?”

  He was very quiet now and staring into space.

  He shook his head, “Stay. Don’t leave me.”

  I went to him, “I’m here, Scott and I'm not going anywhere until you want me to.” I stroked his face. He was tired and all cried out for now but I knew this was just the beginning of his gr

  ief.

  I wanted to take his pain away from him. The thought of him having nobody was more than I could handle and I vowed that I would be there for him from now on. I loved him and I wouldn't let him be alone now.

  I got in bed next to him and he turned towards me. I held his hand while my other hand stroked his hair like my dad used to do to me to lull me off to sleep. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it sweetly. Tenderness overtook the sadness in his eyes for a second as he looked at me. I leaned forward and kissed his cheek. He squeezed my hand like he wanted more but grief and booze overtook him, exhausting him and he passed out cold. I watched him for a long time after he fell asleep. His features were creased and I smoothed the lines from his forehead.

  "I love you." I whispered. There was no more denying it or hiding from it. I needed him in my life and he needed me.

  ƀ

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  “How is he?” I asked Newton. It was now nearing the end of march and I hadn't seen or heard from Scott since the morning after he had found out that his dad died.

  “He’s not in a good way, Em.” The concern in Newton’s eyes was worrying.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I talked to him last night and he was distant, you know, not really there.” He frowned as if trying to work out in his own head why his friend would be like that with him.

  “But did he say he was okay?”

  “Yeah, thats just it, he said he was cool but he sounded pissed at the same time.”

  “Did you ask him when he's coming back?”

  “He doesn't know yet, says he needs more time and he's got his dads shit to sort.”

  I huffed moodily. “Where is he? Why wont you tell me?”

  Scott didn't want anyone to know where he was. He didn't want to speak to or see anyone except for Newton.

  “He wants to be left alone. Just give him some time.”r s

  The morning after Valentine's Day, I woke up to Scott rifling through his drawers, shoving things into a suitcase. Mumbling to himself and rubbing his eyes.

  “How are you?” I had asked, my voice still thick with sleep.

  He didn't look at me, he just carried on with what he was doing. “You should go.” His voice was scratchy and he looked pale and withdrawn with puffy, bloodshot eyes.

  I wanted to comfort him but I could tell that he was still angry with me and he had far more important things on his mind. Did he remember last night?

  “Are you going away?” I hoped not.

  “I'm going for a while, yeah.” He still didn't look at me.

  I didn't want him to go. And why wouldn't he look at me? “Scott, please look at me.” I asked in a soft voice.

  He stopped what he was doing. His hands gripped the cabinet and leaned on it lowering his head and shaking it. “I can't do this now." He took a deep shuddering breath, "I–" He shook his head swallowing the words. "Please go." His scratchy voice was barely-there but I heard it.

  My heart broke. Tears threatened but I had no right to cry, none at all.

  I wanted to put my arms around him, tell him it'll all be okay but I knew that he didn't want me here.

  I got up and hesitated, "I'm here if you need anything or if you need to talk."

  He nodded but he didn't turn to look at me.

  As I got to the door, I looked back. He watched me leave with a sadness on his face that wouldn't be erased from my mind easily. It was as though he was saying goodbye to me. I couldn't shake the feeling of finality.

  "Earth to Emma," Newton was waving a hand in front of my face.

  I blinked back to the present, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

  Newton shook his head, "It wasn't important, Dweeb."

  Ash joined us a few moments later with her hair wrapped in a towel after her shower. She and I had had a long talk a few days after Scott left. After I spent days crying over him and the way that he had looked at me the last time I saw him. Ash cornered me in my room with tea and biscuits. She had sat down next to me and opened her arms sympathetically, "Come here, honey."

  I didn't know whether it was her gentle voice or her sympathy but I started sobbing on her shoulder like a baby.

  "What's going on? Why've you been crying so much? Don't tell me it's nothing, I won't accept that this time." She was firm.

  "I love him, Ash. I went and fell in love with him."

  "Oh, honey," she hugged me tighter.

  "Why does it hahy does ve to be him?" I sniffed, "You know what he's like, Ash, he can't be what I need."

  "Does he know?"

  "That I love him?"

  She nodded.

  "No, I don't want him to find out either."

  "I won't say anything but," she paused and I looked at her, "I think he feels the same way about you."

  I pulled away from her shoulder and looked at her, "Has he said anything?" I wiped my nose on my sleeve.

  "No, but Newton has."

  My eyes widened and before I could say anything she carried on.

  "Scott hasn't said anything but Newton has. He knows Scott more than anyone and he thinks that Scott has some deep feelings for you. He reckons that Scott watches you all the time and he asks questions about where you are and who you're with. Newton's never seen him like it and I must say that I haven't either." She frowned, "I don't know why I didn't notice earlier but it was obvious really."

  To me that didn't mean much, it only meant that he wanted me. "That doesn't mean he loves me. He just wants me so much because he hasn't got me yet. I'm a challenge to him. When did you ask Newton anyway?"

  Ash didn't look sure, "Only Last night because I'm worried about you and I remember what you said at Macy's the other night."

  I shook my head. "It doesn't matter anyway, it's never going to happen for us."

  "Why not? Do you know how many girls want to be in your position?"

  "That's just it, Ash," My shoulders slumped. "One day he'll get bored of me and move on. I don't think my heart could take it."

  "Yes, it can. You have to take risks if you're ever going to be happy and a relationship is always a risk."

  "I know that and you're right – I know you are — but I expected to fall in love with someone totally different from my dad, you know?"

  "Emma, it doesn't matter who you're with. Anyone can break your heart."

  I knew she was right. "How can I trust him when all he does is sleep around?"

  "Perhaps he hasn't found the right lady." She teased now.

  A ghost of a smile played at my lips and then it disappeared again, "It doesn't matter now anyway. He doesn't want me anymore." That final look came back to haunt me. It was like an image that had been branded in my mind and I knew that I'd never forget it. In the three days since he'd left, I hadn't had a call or a text from him. It only drove home what I already thought.

  "Why do you say that?"

  I told her about our last time at Macy's and then what happened after and in the morning when he left.

  She stayed silent fayed silor a while considering what I had said, a frown marring her features. "Just give him time. Things will work out in the end."

  "You 'kay?" Ash asked me as she sat down next to us at our dining table and picked up the coffee had made for her.

  "Yeah, I'm fine." My fake smile came out but it was useless, Ash knew it
well lately.

  "Have you heard anything?" She asked.

  I shook my head. Still no word from him. It had been five weeks now. Did he ever think about me? I thought about him constantly. He was my first and last thought in the day.

  The rest of the day went by in a blur while I spent most of the time debating whether to send him a message. That night I stared at my phone and then started writing out a text only to delete it and retype it a different way. I repeated that process a lot of times before I sent it.

  Me: How r u? xx

  I decided to keep it short. I asked the main question I wanted to know and kept everything else out of it.

  Sixteen minutes later my phone alerted me to a text.

  Scott: Good.

  He didn't want to talk to me. I stared at the screen for what seemed like ages. That was it then. He didn't want me anymore. I was right about that look he had on his face when I left him.

  I couldn't blame him. I deserved this. I left it too long. A heavy weight settled in my chest as my vision blurred.

  I curled up on my bed with my phone still clutched in my hand as I cried over him for the last time.

  The next morning I sat at the table with a cup of tea in my hand and the laptop in front of me, I'd made my decision and now I had to tell Ash.

  "Morning," she sat next to me with a coffee. She frowned, "What's wrong?"

  "I'm looking for a new apartment. I can't live here anymore." I looked at her. "I'm going to start looking today."

  "Okay, but you know Scott could come back at any time so we might not get moved in time."

  "I know that and it doesn't matter, I want to get the ball rolling now."

  "Okay, I'll help you look and you're not leaving me here, I'm coming with you so any viewings have got to include me." She smiled.

  ƀ

  Chapter Thirty

  "Wow, I love this and look at the view. Oh my god, there's a jacuzzi!" Ash squealed as she danced from room to room.

  Over the last month we had viewed so many apartments and there was always something wrong with them.

  I laughed and turned to the owner, "I think we'll take it."

  "That's great, it'll be ready in around five weeks, does that suit you?"

  It didn't but I couldn't risk another month of looking so I agreed and put a deposit down.

  As soon as we got in the car Ash was on the phone to Newton telling him that we'd found a place. My heart flipped, Ash was lucky to have someone that she could call, someone that loved her to bits. I sent a text to Kyle and got a near instant reply.

  Kyle: Thats gr8 news! Wanna celebrate? x

  We went out that night to celebrate at Macy's. I hadn't been out in weeks. Macy's wasn't the same without Scott there and it definitely wasn't so busy. Halfway through the night Ash and I were dancing with Kyle when we noticed a commotion by the entrance. We got up on our tip toes but it was hard to do when you'd had a few and people were dancing around you.

  "What's going on?" Ash asked me as I was taller by an inch.

  "I can't see anything but big heads." I said, annoyed.

  "Come on." She looked at Kyle, "Back in a sec." She took hold of my hand and tugged me towards the tight ball of people at the door.

  I really couldn't care less who it was. "Someone famous maybe?"

  She frowned, "Not in here. Wait here while I check it out." She weaved herself through the bodies until I couldn't see her anymore. Damn Ash and her nosey nose!

  I didn't care who it was I wanted to dance.

  She came back a moment later, her eyes finding mine.

  "Who is it then?"

  She looked down at her feet and then back up to me with wide eyes. "Scott's back."

  I froze and my heart thudded painfully against my ribs. Oh no! I didn't want to see him. I looked towards the crowd and I saw him emerge from bodies parting. He looked thinner. He was pale and his smile was strained as he greeted everyone who was welcoming him back. I had missed him for months and now panic took hold and froze me to the spot. He was walking this way.

  "Oh my god, Ash, help me! I don't think I can see him yet."

  "It's okay, Em, just act natural, okay?"

  Act natural? That was easy for her to say but I was shaking like a Chihuahua on ice. He was still the only guy in the room that the girls gawked at. He still had that dangerous edge about him. I looked away until he stood in front of us.

  "Scott, how are you?" Ash went forward and hugged him.

  Traitor.

  "I'm okay, Ash." He gently pulled her off.

  Something wasn't right with him. He seemed distant. Exactly as Newton had described him a while ago. He had an edge of quiet anger about him that wasn't there before, it wasn't obvious but I could see it. I felt it.

  He looked at me next. His eyes made contact with mine. I flinched at the pain and anger I saw hidden in their depths but in an instant it was masked cleverly while just an echo of it remained. As a bad cut left a scar on skin, the pain he had been through would be forever ingrained in his eyes like a brand. He looked behind me as I felt a hand rest on my shoulder and I turned to see Kyle behind me, giving me support but it didn't help.

  n't help

  Scott's lips tightened. "Emma," he greeted me, his voice was low.

  "Hi," I cleared the frog out of my throat.

  His eyes wondered down to my mouth and he smirked before walking off and leaving us standing there wondering what had happened to the Scott we all knew and loved.

  "I'm going. I can't stay here." It was blatantly obvious that he didn't want to have anything to do with me. A ping pong sized ball formed in my throat.

  Ash was frowning after Scott, "Yeah, I'll come with." She said as she continued to study Scott.

  Ash went to tell Newton that we were leaving and told me to meet her outside.

  "Are you good?" Kyle asked, eyeing me with concern.

  I nodded. "I just wasn't ready for that."

  "It'll get easier, sweet." Kyle touched my hand and squeezed.

  Kyle was the only other person, apart from Ash, Newton and Meg, that I had told about Scott. "I hope so. Are you staying or you coming?"

  "What do you want me to do?" he asked.

  I smiled, "Whatever you want to do."

  "I think I'm gonna call it a night."

  Kyle walked me outside and waited with me until Ash came out.

  "Newton wanted to stay and catch up with Scott." Ash shrugged.

  "I'll call you tomorrow." Kyle leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and then left.

  "He really likes you, Em." Ash's eyes followed Kyle's backside as he walked away.

  "I know he does." I sighed, I wish it could be Kyle.

  "Scott's different." He hates me.

  "Mm..." She looked back at Macy's as we strolled home, "It'll take a while for him to get over it."

  "He looks as though he's taking it very badly. I'm worried about him." I don't know why after I hadn't heard from him apart from one measly one-worded text message that was a reply to one I had already sent so it didn't really count.

  "I'll speak to Newton tomorrow, find out what he knows."

  Later, I was woken by the front door slamming and a high-pitched squeal. I stopped breathing. Scott had brought a girl home. Tears threatened my eyes again. I couldn't do this. I couldn't lay here and listen to them upstairs. How could he be so cruel? I blinked my eyes and rolled over to look at the alarm clock on my bedside table. 02:47 it read. I got up and went to the kitchen for a drink. Ash was still asleep and blissfully oblivious to it all.

  I poured myself a glass of water and went back to bed.

  As I got under the covers, music started pouring through the ceiling from his stereo and I knew that I wouldn't be getting much sleep, if any.

  I put the pillow over my head and tried to sleep but my heart was sick and tired of it and I wanted him to be the Scott I knew. I went to sleep crying, mourning the person he used to be.

  Morning came after a night of
tossing and turning. The dreams in between waking were the worst. I dreamed of Scott with someone else every time I closed my eyes in graphic detail. I woke up crying after every one of them. I went through morning classes almost snarling at everyone. When lunch came I grabbed an energy drink — which I never did — and a slice of chocolate cake to have after my lunch for the sugarfor the rush.

  I sat at our usual table and I hoped that fate would be kind and Scott wouldn't come in. I didn't even know if he was coming back.

  "What's up with you?" Newton sat opposite me.

  "Nothing, why?"

  "You look seriously pissed off."

  "I didn't sleep well." I almost grunted.

  I wanted to ask him about Scott but this wasn't the place or the time because he just walked in with a girl stuck to his side. She slithered around him like a snake.

  My mouth turned down and I concentrated on my lunch, which was even less appealing now. Please don't come over here. Please don't come over here. I repeated in my head hoping my will would work on him.