Reverb

by S. M. West

  “Shit, Eva.” He glances to me, one hand pushing his hair from his face. His pain and shame are undeniable. “I shouldn’t be telling you all the ugly details about my shitty life on the streets before making it big.”

  “No, please. Don’t hide anything from me. No secrets.”

  Nodding, he releases a long harsh exhale and straightens, staring ahead.

  “Can I ask how Bianca got involved?” As if mirroring how I feel, pain and betrayal disfigure his features.

  “Yeah, I see that bit of coincidence differently now too. She just showed up one day. I didn’t go looking for her. Trojan was starting to create some buzz and we had a manager at the time. He was a bit of a dick, but we didn’t know any better.”

  He pulls out the guitar pick and starts rubbing his thumb over it, seemingly not even conscious he’s doing it. I’m comforted by the act.

  “She’d just managed a group of artists for an international cause. Some big names and lots of publicity. Silas and I had also stayed with Lucia Bernal for a while. Do you remember her?”

  “My mother’s friend? Our neighbor?” I’m immediately brought back to the night of my mother’s death and how she sat with me through the grief-stricken silence.

  “Yeah. Bianca got in contact with us through her. And then she showed up while we were touring the US.”

  “She did?”

  “Yeah, and stupid me, I thought it was her guilt for how shitty she’d been as to why she wanted to manage our band. We’d heard good things about her, and the label thought it was a good idea, so we agreed to it.”

  “I knew she was a band manager, but she never told me anything specific, even when I pushed.” Anger surges up my spine at how vague my sister had been. “And once, I asked to go with her on a tour. Somehow she twisted my request and we got into this huge fight.”

  We hadn’t spoken for nearly a year after that, and I had no idea what I’d done or how we’d ended up that way. When she eventually came to visit, she acted like everything was fine.

  There was a distance to her that hadn’t been there before, and I never understood it until now. I’d gotten too close. She needed to keep me away—a barrier between us.

  “I must admit, when she came back into my life, all apologetic and sweet, I clung to her.” Bitterness smothers his words and I stiffen, stomach queasy at his admission.

  There’s something else in his tone and countenance, something he isn’t saying and I can’t quite put my finger on.

  “Eva, I don’t want secrets either. There’s more I have to say on this but not now. We’ve got so much to talk about, so many questions I have for you. But soon.”

  I nod, not really sure what I’m agreeing to, and swallow down the dread now winding around my heart.

  “I’m so happy for you.” My smile is weak even if I truly mean it, and he frowns.

  “Happy? I wasn’t happy. Happiness was a hard thing to find without you and truthfully, I didn’t even try.”

  I rest a hand on his forearm. Squeezing. “What I mean is your dream came true. You turned your love of music into something that you made a life out of. Did you ever get your high school diploma?”

  He barks out a laugh, and I blush at not being able to hold back my ever-present belief in the importance of education.

  “I did, Mom. I did.”

  “Good, and I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

  “You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t ask.” He smirks, tugging my arm to bring me into his side.

  His arm slides around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder, stirring something deep and warm inside me.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I nod against him.

  “You’d really never heard of Trojan until seeing the magazine cover?”

  I push away, eyes wide, to study him. He’s studying my features with a soft smile on his lips.

  “Yes. Why would you ask?”

  “Not to be full of myself but Trojan is fucking huge, even now after the end. People know who we are. We were everywhere for the past decade. Even if you’re not into rock music, you’d have to live in a cave to not know about Trojan.”

  “After losing you, I shunned music, completely turned away from it. It was too hard, too painful. Everything reminded me of you. And I didn’t enjoy it anymore. Eventually, I turned to classical music. It calms me.” I nibble on my bottom lip, giving my next words some thought.

  “My father, Miguel, and Bianca also had a hand in keeping anything to do with you away from me.”

  His expression turns grim and he nods. “Fuck, all of them piss me off.”

  “I know the feeling.”

  He cups my face, his thumb gently stroking my cheekbone and his fingers on my neck. The adoration and desire in his eyes need no words and I quiver in anticipation. I want him to kiss me.

  The door opens, and we both turn in that direction. Miguel walks into the room as if he owns the place. Jared doesn’t let go of me.

  “What are you doing here?” I don’t hide the irritation in my tone. I have a sneaking suspicion as to how he got a copy of my room key, and I want to scream.

  “Why’s it so dark in here?”

  Until then, I hadn’t realized we were in near darkness. The dimming sunlight from outside spills in through the window. Miguel marches toward the lamp and flicks it on. He stiffens, regarding Jared. I’m practically in his lap and his hands are all over me.

  “We need to talk,” Miguel growls. “You should leave.” He points to Jared, but neither of us move.

  “No. You need to leave.” I untangle myself, now standing. “I told you—”

  “Eva, it’s late and we can’t leave things the way we did.” Miguel slides one hand into a pocket as if this is just a casual conversation.

  “I’m only leaving if Eva wants me to.”

  My stomach tangles into a million knots at the sound of Jared’s voice. I don’t want him to go anywhere, but things could get ugly. Without my having to say a word, he must sense my hesitation and gets to his feet.

  He takes both of my hands in his, calloused and so much larger than mine, and bends to meet my gaze. “I’m going to Silas and Pansy’s tomorrow, come with me. We’ll have lunch.”

  It isn’t an invitation, more a declaration, but there’s no hint that he’s trying to control me. It’s more a plea to spend time with me and there’s only one response.

  “Eva—” Miguel starts and I talk right over him. “Yes, text me the details. I’d love to come.”

  Beaming, his lips press a light kiss to the tip of my nose, and he lets me go. I want to run after him, tell him to stay or that I’m coming with him. But I don’t.

  Jared leaves and I glare at Miguel, fire now coursing through my veins.

  “I don’t even want to know how you got my room key.” I have a pretty good idea and I’m infuriated. I make a mental note to ream out the front desk. “Nothing has changed from earlier. I still need space. Give me the key.”

  “Eva, listen to me.”

  “No. You listen to me for once.” I hold out my hand, palm up. “Give me the key and leave.”

  Grudgingly, he deposits the keycard in my hand, shoulders deflating. “My room is on the tenth floor.”

  Folding my arms, I tap my foot and stay mute. He finally trudges to the door and leaves.

  It isn’t even nine o’clock, and I switch off the lights on the way to bed. I make the mistake of checking my phone before sliding under the covers.

  Bianca has texted several times, and Miguel has also sent an apology with his room number like I’m going to visit him tonight. Oddly, Papi has been silent. Maybe his guilt is finally catching up to him?

  Sleep plays games, bringing me to the brink to only flash a memory through my mind of Jared or my years in Spain without him. I’ll drive myself crazy reliving all the years without him, looking for all the signs of their deception. None of it matters now that Jared is back in my life.

  22

  Sadness runs dee
p

  JARED

  Eva waits at the front of the hotel when I drive up, and the valet opens the passenger side door of my Audi R8 convertible.

  It’s a warm, sunny day, and I take advantage of it by having the top down and my shades on to get my fill. Eva’s wearing a flowing, strappy summer dress, her incredible mass of wild waves falling down her back.

  As if sensing my hungry, appreciative stare, she blushes, cheeks pinkening. The rush and color of music explodes inside me.

  She is my favorite song. Being with her, like this, awakens my muse. Last night, I’d been unable to sleep, up half the night writing songs, lyrics and notes blossoming in my mind.

  One foot inside the car, she hesitates, glancing down with a worried expression on her face. Eventually, she shakes her head as if ridding herself of whatever is bothering her, and she slips in.

  “Hi, how are you?” She smiles, buckling her seat belt.

  “I’m good. Are you okay?” I dip my chin, peering at her over the rim of my sunglasses.

  “It’s the car. Sometimes I need a little internal pep talk to get in. It took me a while to be okay with riding in a car after the accident, and even longer for me to get behind the wheel again.”

  I shift into drive and take off. “Yeah, it was rough for me too.”

  “I’m fine now. This is an awesome car.” She runs her hand along the smooth leather interior.

  “Thanks. It’s a nice day. Enjoy the drive.”

  Both hands wrangle her windblown hair, tying it back at the base of her neck, and she settles into the seat.

  Silas and Pansy live in Santa Monica, right on the beach and the perfect place to get away. It isn’t a large home, the complete opposite of the huge mansion I live in which feels nothing like a home.

  When we arrive, both of them greet us at the door with Silas taking Eva into a hug when I introduce them. I’ve talked about her repeatedly over the years, if only to Silas.

  “I feel like I already know you.” His eyes twinkle like they share a secret.

  “I wish I could say the same, but I hope to get to know you better.” Eva’s shy, maybe even nervous.

  “Come in, let me show you around.” Pansy, Silas’s fiancée, ushers us into the house.

  She’s a pretty redhead with a bubbly personality, and even though we didn’t hit it off at first, she’s become a good friend. She leads the way onto their large deck off the living room where more introductions are made to Gray, Trojan’s drummer, Daisy, her sister, and Daisy’s infant son, Henry.

  “It’s great to finally meet you, Eva,” Gray smiles, handing her a bottle of water.

  “Thank you, and you too.”

  “How long are you here for?” Daisy hoists her baby higher on her hip.

  “I’m moving back. Right now, my home is Spain, but I’ve missed the US. Los Angeles is my home.” Her voice softens when she looks at me.

  “Where exactly in Spain did you live?” Daisy pries strands of her blonde hair from her little guy’s chubby hand.

  “My sister used to be a model and has traveled the world.” Pansy smiles and Daisy rolls her eyes.

  “At first, Catalonia, but now, Barcelona.”

  “Wow, I’d love to go to Spain.” Pansy hands Silas a tray of meat for the grill.

  “You have a beautiful home.” Eva looks to our hosts and then out at the beach. “The view is just spectacular. I could stand out here all day.”

  “I love it. I start my day out here doing yoga with Boy.” Pansy bends to pet the dog rubbing against her leg. “I’ve been trying to get Silas to join me.”

  He groans at the age-old battle between these two, and most of us chuckle since we’ve been unfortunately privy to her failed attempts to get him into downward dog.

  “Yoga out here would be amazing. The hotel I’m staying at offers classes but it’s indoors.” Eva sips her drink.

  “If you’d like, you’re welcome to join me whenever. I’d love the company.”

  “I would like that.”

  “Hey, what about me?” Silas walks toward his woman with barbecue tongs in one hand. “Can I join?”

  “You say no all the time.” She laughs, shaking her head. “You’re something else.”

  “And you wouldn’t have me any other way.” He wraps an arm around her waist and dips her backward, his lips attached to hers.

  “Hey, keep it clean.” Gray places his hands over Henry’s eyes. “We’ve got young impressionable minds here.”

  Pansy pushes at Silas, half chuckling, half snorting, as he pulls her to standing. “Go cook our food. I’m sure everyone is starving.”

  My friend saunters to the grill, and I linger to one side, watching Pansy move closer to Eva.

  “You know, when I first met Jared, I hated him.” Pansy stares at me, mischief in her gaze. “I thought he was an asshole.”

  “I’m sure he was.” Eva regards me with a wistful expression. “When we first met, he wasn’t too friendly to me either.”

  “So you know what I mean.” Pansy smirks at my hardening expression. I’m not upset, just uncomfortable with their conversation and that my presence doesn’t seem to deter them.

  “But I soon realized it was his defense mechanism.” Eva nods and Pansy continues, “I watched him fill this great big hole in his heart with girls, drugs, and alcohol.”

  My muscles tense, and I narrow my gaze at the pretty redhead with the flower name. Her name is on the tip of my tongue, with more bite than I want. It would be so easy to underestimate her like most might a flower. Its petals are bright, multi-colored, and so delicate. But underneath it all, the flower is resilient and bold. She’s aptly named.

  “I swore he was trying to kill himself.”

  “Pansy, that’s enough.” I’m softer, my voice more even than how I feel.

  Eva’s cheeks redden, and my chest is tight, burning with regret and shame. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of. Most of which I dread sharing with Eva, but like I vowed, no secrets. I need to own my dirty deeds if I’m ever to heal and if we’re ever to have a future together.

  “Hey, all I’m trying to say is that after meeting Eva and seeing you with her, I can already see you’re different.”

  “What do you mean?” Eva angles her head to the side, staring intently at Pansy.

  All conversation has stopped, and everyone is invested in this exchange. I’m exposed, naked and vulnerable. But I’m going to take it, hear what both have to say.

  “He seems more put together. More calm. It’s almost as if everything he did was to somehow fill the hole you left and maybe bury his guilt for his part in losing you.”

  “His guilt?” Eva’s nose wrinkles, confused.

  “He somehow holds himself responsible as if he could have changed things.”

  I want to tell Pansy to stop talking, but Eva is very interested.

  “What? No, you’re not to blame.” Eva reaches for my hand.

  “We’ve all tried to help him see he isn’t to blame.” Pansy fans her hand at my friends scattered around the patio, and all of them nod.

  Fuck, this feels like an intervention.

  “That even if you had not made it out of the accident, it wasn’t his fault. But none of us were able to make him see any differently.” Pansy now comes to stand in front of me and rests her palm flat against my chest, where my heart is. “How do you mend a broken heart? How do you put back the pieces or fill the cracks when all he wanted…all he needed was you?”

  A lone tear slides down Eva’s cheek and I grab her hand. Something prickly twists in my chest, and Pansy gifts me a tender smile before heading for Silas.

  I clear my throat, pulling Eva to my side. “We’re going for a walk on the beach.”

  Dipping my head, blinking away the shit in my eyes, I lead us to the stairs and down to the beach.

  “Are you okay?” Eva scurries to keep up with me, and I slow my pace.

  “Yeah. I’ve got you alone at last.” I chuckle and she
sidles up to me, leaning into my arm. “They’re lovely, and it’s clear how much they care about you.”

  “Yeah, I got lucky. And I’m glad you like them. I wish you could meet Eli, but he moved to New York City for work.”

  “I’d like to meet him someday. They’re your family.”

  “Yeah. That’s why it hurt so much when Trojan ended. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I’d lost again. Always losing.”

  She pulls on my hands, stopping us and stepping in front of me. “No. We did lose time together but we’re here now. That’s what matters.”

  “I’m not good enough for you.”

  My years with the band, anything and anyone at my disposal, decadence and filth, lambaste my senses. Guilt and disgust creep into the hollow of my chest.

  What am I doing? I want her more than anything in this world, but I don’t deserve her beauty and goodness.

  “Stop, please don’t think like that.” Her fingers trace my jawline and her hands clutch the back of my neck as she presses onto the tips of her toes. “Do you remember I had a surprise for you, for your eighteenth birthday?”

  “How could I forget? I wanted to know so badly what you had in store for us.”

  “I’d booked a hotel and we were going to visit UCLA. We’d made so many plans. I was thinking of going there, and I wanted us to see what our life could be like.”

  She beams up at me and my entire body is on fire, a raging inferno. She is my whole world. My past, present, and future. The years without her are meaningless.

  I press my forehead to hers, and my eyes flutter closed. “Fuck, Eva.”

  The sting of reality, everything we lost, hurts like a bitch. Did we ever stand a chance?

  “I wanted some time away with you. Our future was real, and I wanted both of us to see that.”

  “I wish we’d had the chance.” My sadness runs deep.

  “Me too.” Her eyes shine, and leaning in, she brushes three barely there kisses along my jawline, lingering with the last one.