Mama's Boy

by ReShonda Tate Billingsley

  “Thank you, sir,” Phillip said, standing. “My wife and I will handle this from here and our sincerest apologies on behalf of our son.”

  Phillip wasn’t a violent man, but as he yanked Ryan up off the bench, he looked like he wanted to drag Ryan out by his curly hair.

  Kay led the way out of Mr. Montclair’s office and was shocked to see Camille sitting with her husband and son in the waiting area outside.

  “Camille, what’s going on?” Kay asked.

  “You tell me,” Camille said, looking directly at Ryan, who all but retreated behind his father’s back.

  “Hello, Phillip, Kay,” Vincent said, standing. When he saw the look of confusion on their faces, he continued. “We’re here, we assume, for the same reason as you. Drugs.”

  “Yeah, apparently Charlie was caught selling drugs.” Camille snatched him up from the bench. “He says Ryan was making ecstasy pills here at school and had him selling it.”

  Kay should’ve known it was Charlie that Ryan was working with. “Well, we don’t know exactly what happened, but yes, it appears the boys were caught up in some illegal activity,” Kay continued.

  Charlie suddenly began crying. He looked scared out of his mind. “Mama, I didn’t want to do it. But Ryan said it made us cool because everybody was coming to us to get the pills. He made it where they could still get high but it’s not as dangerous. He said we were actually doing the druggies a favor.”

  “Shut up!” Ryan yelled. “You’re lying.”

  “Stop it!” Mr. Montclair said, appearing in the lobby. “All of you stop it! We will not do this on the campus of our beloved institution.” He turned to Phillip and Kay. “Mr. and Mrs. Christiansen, we would appreciate it if you’d get your son and leave the premises. His locker has been cleared out and the security guard is waiting out front with all of his belongings.” He turned to Camille and Vincent. “Mr. and Mrs. Bailey, I will see you in my office now.”

  Kay was crushed at the hateful glare Camille shot her as they walked past. Neither Kay nor Phillip said a word as Phillip grabbed Ryan by the arm and pushed him out the door. As they walked to Phillip’s car, Kay wanted to cry as she looked at the expression on Ryan’s face. She’d seen that look one too many times. Ryan looked guilty.

  48

  * * *

  * * *

  If seeing her son go to jail was the hardest thing Gloria had ever done, going to tell him the truth was the second hardest. Gloria had tossed and turned all night trying to figure out what to do. But if that man was blackmailing Kay, that meant it was just a matter of time before Jamal got wind of the story. He had to hear it from her. His hatred for Elton was deep enough as it is. She would die if he started hating her, too.

  “Sign right here,” the guard at the front desk said.

  She despised the degrading process of checking in to visit inmates. She was searched and treated like a common criminal herself. But unlike Elton, at no time did she blame Jamal. She really did feel like he was a victim, just like the poor officer who lost his life. And while Gloria would never justify or excuse taking anyone’s life, she would go to her grave knowing her son wasn’t a cold-blooded killer.

  “You can wait in here,” the officer said, directing her to an oversized waiting room that was filled with weeping wives, sad-faced children, and disheartened mothers. She looked around at the twenty or so visitors in the room, and none of them appeared to be fathers. Was that part of the problem? These fatherless children? Her immediate reaction was to say that Jamal wasn’t fatherless. But if she was being honest with herself, essentially he was.

  Gloria sat and fiddled with her purse strap. She’d brought some cookies to give to him. But that had been the first thing the guard confiscated. She offered to let him taste some, but he still wasn’t having it. They weren’t allowed to bring anything in from the outside. The door opened and Jamal shuffled in, metal shackles around his feet and arms.

  Do not cry. Do not cry, Gloria told herself.

  Jamal struggled to smile. She knew he was trying to be strong for her. So she returned his smile.

  “Hey, baby. How are you?”

  “I’m still here,” he said, falling into his seat. “Ma, has this case really blown up?” he asked. “Folks inside are talking about there are protests. They’re talking about it on CNN and Fox and all the TV stations.”

  Gloria nodded her head. “Yes, sweetie. Some people are using it to further their cause. Some are really upset about what happened. Those Justice Coalition got Brian and Dix out and have them doing a lot of interviews. But we’re only focused on you.”

  “You mean you’re only focused on me.”

  “Your father would be here,” she said, knowing that was what he was implying, “but . . .”

  “Ma, don’t even make excuses. He’s not here. He hasn’t been here. Because the good reverend can’t bear being seen going inside a jailhouse.”

  Gloria wasn’t even going to try to cover for her husband anymore. So she just patted her son’s hand. “Well, I tried to bring you some cookies. Your favorite, chocolate chip pecan.”

  He closed his eyes as if he were savoring the thought of the cookies. “Let me guess, the guards confiscated them?”

  “Yeah. They said I couldn’t bring them in.” She feigned a laugh. “I guess they thought I was going to give you a knife or something to break out of here.”

  He lost his smile. “I wish I could break out.”

  She squeezed his hand. “You’ll be out soon enough. I promise you.”

  His eyes started to glisten. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

  Gloria changed the subject, filling him in on a few other happenings in Jasper and what it was like staying with his grandmother. But they both could tell it was empty conversation. And as Gloria saw the clock inch closer toward the end of visiting hours, she knew she couldn’t delay any longer.

  “Jamal, honey, I have something to tell you.”

  His eyebrows scrunched and he frowned. “What?”

  She took a deep breath. “I have wrestled with this because I’m just going to be honest. ”

  “Okay, Ma. You’re scaring me. Didn’t want me to know what? My case? You don’t think I’m getting off ?” He sat up as his face filled with panic. “You think they’re going to kill me?”

  “No, no. It’s nothing like that. It’s nothing about your case,” she said. “It’s about you and us.”

  “Mama, can you just spit it out? Visiting hours are almost up.”

  She took another deep breath. “Father, forgive me,” she mumbled. “Jamal, we love you. We always have since the day you came into our lives.”

  “You mean the day I was born?”

  Her words felt happy as she said, “The day you were adopted.”

  “What?” he said, pulling his hands away.

  “In my heart, you are mine,” she said through tear-filled eyes. “You will always be mine.”

  “I’m adopted?” he asked.

  “Technically,” she said.

  “So, you and Dad aren’t my mom and dad?”

  “I’m not your biological mother,” she said. “But I’m your mother in every sense of the word.”

  He was stunned. “Who are my biological parents then?”

  Gloria was too nervous to speak.

  “You need to spit it out, Ma, and tell me what’s going on!” He raised his voice a little too high, but she understood his frustration. A guard shot him a look and he settled down. “Ma, what are you talking about? You need to stop with the lies and tell me now.”

  “Well, your father,” she said, swallowing the lump in her throat, “your father is your biological father.”

  “What!” he exclaimed.

  The words suddenly just rushed out. And she told him everything. When she finished, he sat with his mouth gaping
open. “So my real mother is the one trying to put me in jail?”

  “I’m sorry, son. We didn’t know. We just put two and two together.”

  He sat speechless for a moment, then finally said, “Why are you telling me this now?”

  She reached for him. He scooted back away from her touch.

  “We wanted you to be aware.”

  “Everything is a lie. You’re a liar.”

  Those words tore at her soul.

  Tears trickled down his cheeks and he trembled as he spoke. “I have beat myself up, wondering what I did wrong. Why I felt like a burden.”

  “You were never a burden.”

  He slammed his palm on the table. “Don’t you get it? I’ve killed myself trying to figure out why Dad had this animosity toward me and you can keep lying and say he didn’t but I felt it.” He pounded his chest. “I felt it right here!”

  “Jamal, w-we just wanted . . .” Gloria didn’t know what to say. She expected him to be mad at Elton, but she had no idea he’d be so angry at her, not with the way she’d loved him.

  “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  She glanced down, trying to find the right words. But somehow, I never wanted you to know didn’t seem like the right thing to say. “I’ve wanted to many times but I couldn’t find the words and as far as I was concerned, you belonged to me.”

  “That’s just it,” he cried, “I don’t. I belonged to a girl who was raped by my dad. And you helped him cover it up!”

  Gloria trembled. She was at a loss for words.

  “All my life, you and Daddy been preaching about doing the right thing and y’all are nothing but liars,” he continued.

  “Jamal, please,” she cried.

  He ignored her as he called for the guard.

  “Son, your time’s not up,” the guard said.

  “Yes, it is,” Jamal said. “Get me out of here before I do something I really regret.”

  He looked at Gloria with a hatred that she knew would haunt her the rest of her life.

  49

  * * *

  * * *

  The sight of her husband sitting on the deck smoking a Cuban cigar tore at her insides. Kay knew that he only smoked his cigars when he was in deep thought and something was truly bothering him. Usually it was reserved for a case that he thought he would lose. She knew tonight it was because of her.

  “Knock, knock.” Kay tapped on the door that led out to the back deck. “You up for a little company?” she said as she stuck her head out. She didn’t want to get too much in his face if he wasn’t ready to talk to her. It had only been a week since she’d told him the truth, but with a love like theirs, that was a lifetime.

  Phillip nodded and motioned toward the seat across from him. The last time they had been on this deck together, he had been mulling a difficult case. He told her that just her presence gave him peace. Now she wondered if he’d ever feel that way again.

  “I’m so sorry,” she began.

  He inhaled his cigar, let the smoke linger for a moment, then released it. “I know,” he finally said.

  “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

  He slowly nodded. “Yeah,” was all he said.

  Relief filled her. If Phillip left her on top of everything else, Kay did not know what she would do.

  “What I don’t get,” he said, tapping the ash from the cigar into an ashtray, “is why you felt like you couldn’t be truthful with me. I don’t understand why you would be ashamed, and I don’t get why you thought you couldn’t tell me.”

  She looked at him sideways. “Of course, I was ashamed.”

  “Why? You were raped. A man you knew and trusted took advantage of you. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, you could have given a voice to other young women who have gone through something similar.”

  “No, I couldn’t let the world know that happened.” Kay had shut down after what she considered her family’s betrayal. An already delicate family situation had completely shattered. Of course, she cried at their funeral, but it wasn’t the type of cry that came with a void in your heart. She had cried because they never made peace.

  “I get that part,” Phillip said. “But you could have let me know.” The hurt was strong in his voice.

  She didn’t know how to reply because her husband was absolutely right. It was wrong of her to withhold that information. It was wrong not to trust him enough to be truthful.

  “So, what now?” Kay said after a few moments of silence.

  “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. With everything I know, I’ve got to figure out what to do with this case. How can I represent Jamal? How can I work for the man that violated my wife?”

  Kay weighed his words. If she were solely acting on her hatred of Elton Jones, she would have been quick to tell him that he couldn’t. But Gloria’s words hit home to her. Was Jamal supposed to suffer because of the sins of his father?

  “I’ve recused myself from this case,” Kay said. “Sam wasn’t happy, but it had to be done. For me and for the appearance of any improprieties. I don’t know what to tell you to do. But I’ve come to realize this much: This isn’t about Elton. It isn’t even about me. It’s about Jamal, and I don’t know, a part of me feels like he deserves a shot.”

  That caused Phillip to do a double take. “What? Is that the hard-nosed prosecutor talking?” he said with a slight smile, a welcome sight for Kay. “Makes a difference when it’s your own child, huh?” Phillip added.

  Kay shrugged. She didn’t know if she’d ever truly see Jamal as her child, but she remembered how despite the hate that she felt for his father, the year after she gave birth, every time she had ever thought about the baby she gave away, it was accompanied by a pang in her heart. Which is why she tried her best to push him from her memories.

  “I wish I could say that I felt love or something that made me want to have a relationship with him. That I felt this bond with Jamal that was changing my perspective. But I don’t and that honestly scares me. But what I do feel is everything that has happened with Ryan just caused me to see that one bad decision can truly alter the course of someone’s life. Ryan is lucky that all he got was kicked out of school, but if he had been in public school, or had been caught by a police officer, he could very well be behind bars just like Jamal.”

  Phillip nodded as if he was proud of her analytical thinking. “Yeah, I’m probably going to continue to represent Jamal. But I’m not even going to fake the funk. His father better not get anywhere near me.”

  Kay wasn’t about to argue with that.

  “Does Jamal know?” Phillip asked.

  “No, of course, I wouldn’t tell him and I don’t think Gloria has told him,” Kay replied.

  He looked at Kay. “I think you should go see him and tell him.”

  “What?”

  “I think you should go see him. I think you should tell him that you’re his mother.”

  “No.” She shook her head. That had never been an option. “Some secrets are best left buried.”

  “I don’t know, Kay. Even when they’re buried, they have a way of shifting to the top.” He looked at her one last time, then stood. “And when they catch you by surprise, they can cause irrevocable damage.”

  Kay had no reply for that. Seeing Jamal and having no idea that he was her child was one thing. But how could she face him now? And as much as Kay couldn’t stand Elton, he was the only father Jamal knew. Was she supposed to shatter that bond? He was dealing with enough as it was. This would only turn his world upside down even more.

  As if he could read her thoughts, Phillip reached over and took her hand and pulled her up out of her seat. “You can do it. It’ll be hard, but you have to do it. It’s time to let go of the hate.”

  She laid her head on his shoulder. Phillip was right. She’d told
him. She’d told her boss and her friend. Now she needed to tell Jamal. She didn’t know how she would find the strength, but she would go see Jamal and let him know that she was his biological mother.

  50

  * * *

  * * *

  Gloria had never in her life been inclined to watch a political debate. But right about now, she sat riveted to the television.

  “How much longer is that going to be on?” her mother asked her. “I watch Family Feud every night at seven o’clock. You messing up my schedule. I don’t like my routine messed up.”

  Gloria sighed. There was a reason she’d left her mother’s house at eighteen.

  “Okay, Mama. You know normally I leave you alone. But can you please let me watch this?” If Gloria had been thinking, she would’ve brought Jamal’s small TV to watch while she was staying with her mother since Erma only had one TV.

  Erma walked over and stood next to Gloria. She turned her nose up. “Why do you want to watch that mess anyway? Vote for the black girl,” Erma said. “There, you don’t need to watch a debate. Decision made.”

  Gloria side-eyed her mother. She didn’t want to hear a lecture. Her mother knew they’d adopted Jamal and quiet as it had been kept, Gloria nonetheless suspected Erma even knew he was Elton’s biological child, because she often made quips about how much alike Jamal and Elton looked.

  “You know you sound crazy, right?” Gloria couldn’t help but say. “I mean, in this case, the black woman is the better-qualified one. But you don’t vote for people just because of the color of their skin.”

  Erma raised an eyebrow at her. “You don’t vote for people because of the color of their skin. I do. I’m always putting my money on black. Look at that man. He’s got beady eyes.”

  “Okay, Mother. Whatever you say.”

  “That’s because whatever I say is right.” Erma folded her arms in irritation. “You need to hurry up. I don’t like to miss my show since Steve Harvey took over.”