After we had said our initial hello, I leaned back and just looked at Steven.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked, sounding self-conscious again.
"I just like looking at your face. You make me feel nice and I like thinking about you when I'm not with you."
He didn't have much to say to that, the look on his face matching the fact that he now looked quite speechless. We looked at each other and I found myself wanting him to touch me - everywhere - but I tried to push that thought out of my mind, especially since this was only our second date!
Steven let out a sigh. "You know, when I dreamed of having a girlfriend, I didn't think it would be like this."
Hearing him use the word 'girlfriend' made me feel a complex range of feelings. On the one hand it felt nice to have someone to think of me as their girlfriend, but on the other it felt a little bit too serious to claim that position when we had just met. It made me slightly nervous about how serious Steven might already be taking our limited time together so far, but I put that out of my mind and made myself ignore the uneasiness at it.
"Like what?" I had to ask. He lifted his hand and touched my hair, then my cheek, and I took it and held it to my lips.
"Like I want to be with you, I want to hold you, I want to touch you - but we hardly know each other, do we?"
That was when I lost all my inhibitions and kissed him, pulling him down until we were both lying on the sofa. After kissing for what seemed like eternity, Steven pulled away.
"I'm sorry, we shouldn't rush things like this. We should take this slow ... right?" he asked and looked to me for some sort of guidance, but all I could do was pull him back into my embrace.
"Steven, let's just lie here and relax, okay? Right now I feel like I want to treasure every moment with you."
Steven kissed me again and all was forgotten. We kissed with such a hunger and I could feel his hands stroking my back. I realised that no-one had ever taken the time to do just that - and it felt so good. I started doing the same to Steven and after a while he groaned.
"You make me feel so good, Debbie."
All I could do was lie there, stroking him, feeling him do the same to me, and just look at him. We'd stopped kissing and were happy lying still for the moment.
"Don't be surprised if my parents return shortly. They like checking up on me to make sure I'm normal," Steven said, smiling.
I laughed. "Oh, I don't think they have much to worry about there."
Sure enough, a few minutes later the front door opened and in walked his parents, but not before we had time to sit up and compose ourselves. They said their quick hello before leaving the room again. "How did you know that they would be home so soon?"
"Oh, I know my parents pretty well, and soon you will too," he said and I felt a combination of a comforting reassurance at the sound of those words, but at the same time that nervousness that I had embarked on something that Steven was taking as an extremely serious situation already, even though to me it felt like we were just beginning to get to know one another.
"Steven, I had better go home," I said and he questioned me. "If I stay any longer I'm never going to leave!"
"That wouldn't be so bad, would it?" he said and smiled. Then he got serious again and kissed me ever so gently.
I jumped up. "Now I really have to go."
As I neared the door I felt that I didn't want four days to pass again before seeing him. "Hey, would you like to go out somewhere tomorrow night - maybe to see a movie?" I asked and he nodded.
"Sounds great, come and get me okay?" he replied and I left, still wondering if I was doing the right thing, encouraging him to continue feeling like we were already a solid, well-formed 'couple' even though I wasn't feeling that way yet.
Chapter 5
Isn't it odd how when you've got something 'big' planned for an evening, the entire day seems to drag on and on? That's how it felt that particular day anyway. All I wanted to do was get away from work, get home and have a nice long shower. Before going out with Steven, that was. After one final check in the mirror, I was off to meet the man I was going to spend the evening with. On the way over I once again began to wonder if I was doing the right thing, taking full initiative for everything. Steven certainly didn't seem in any way offended by my forwardness but I kept getting the feeling inside of me that the level of his happiness wasn't all that mattered here - and yet still I felt happy because he seemed happy.
When Steven answered the door, I knew I hadn't overdressed or underdressed. The look on his face told me that he was impressed and I felt myself blush as I tried to push out a hello.
"Hi," he replied with a smile that made me just want to melt. "Shall we go?" he asked, breaking me out of my trance, and I nodded.
The movie theatre was only two blocks away so we weren't really in any hurry as we made our way there. This was the first time I had walked alongside Steven in his wheelchair. It was odd having to look down at him, considering the fact that I am short and always seem to be looking up! We chatted about each other's day and once again I was stunned that small talk with Steven didn't seem trivial or something to fill in a space of conversation. It was almost like meditating - talking with Steven just made me feel so relaxed.
As we entered the movie theatre I was confronted with Steven having to be shown into the theatre by another door and escorted to a seat by an usher. Until then I hadn't thought about Steven being different, but seeing him being helped by people gave me an eerie feeling inside. When I sat down beside him I felt like I was in a state of shock, and when I finally looked at Steven, I knew he read exactly what was going on in my head. He took my hand and kissed it and when I looked into his eyes I was reassured that this was still Steven. What did it matter that he got a bit more attention? To make myself feel better, more than to make Steven feel better, I leaned in and kissed him. He responded so eagerly and put his arms around me, and for the moment I forgot everything except the scent of him and the feel of his arms around me, holding me tight. No words were spoken as the movie started and I settled into my seat to watch it. I was glad we had chosen a comedy because by the end of it I realised that a good laugh was just what was needed to clear my head and totally relax me.
After the movie finished, and before we even had a chance to say a word to each other, that usher was back. "Here you go, Steven," he said. "Did you like the movie?" he asked as Steven got into his chair and we started to leave.
"Yeah, Pete, it was great." We were just about at the door to the street when the usher leaned in and said something to Steven that I couldn't hear. "Debbie, this is Pete; Pete, Debbie," he introduced us and Pete held out his hand.
I took it as he said, "I am very pleased to meet you, Debbie." I returned the pleasure and soon Steven and I were out on the street again.
"Pete always helps me out when I go to the movies. He's a good guy - so funny sometimes!" he said and I kept quiet in my own thoughts. "He said you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen," he said and I stopped and looked at him. "And he's right, you are beautiful." I blushed again as Steven took my hand in his. "I'm really glad that I met you, Debbie."
I was overcome by the urge to kiss Steven but for a moment I held back because the street was busy. Then I really looked at him, and I forgot about everyone else and leaned down to kiss him, knowing there was absolutely no reason for either of us to be embarrassed.
"Let's get out of here," I said as I pulled away from him.
Nothing was said between us as we returned to Steven's house. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was just a nice silence with each of us in our own spaces. Inside my head was the question Sally had put to me earlier - could I handle Steven being in a wheelchair and all his problems associated with it? If Steven asked me that same question, what would I say?
When we reached his house he invited me in and I hesitated for a moment, still with this ongoing nagging in my head about how my attention to Steven might be affecting him. "Yes, of c
ourse I'll stay for a while," I said, smiling at him.
Inside, his parents were on the sofa watching television. They both stood up and greeted us, which I returned happily, quietly wondering how many such happy-go-lucky parents there were in this world. It was certainly a new thing for me to see.
Steven and I sat down on the other sofa and I realised that already I was starting to feel like I was part of a real family. After a couple of hours of laughing, particularly with Steven's father, I stood up. "I have to get home," I said and Steven made a move towards his chair. "Don't move, I'll see myself to the door." I gave him a kiss before turning to his parents and saying goodbye.
When I was walking home, so many questions kept entering my head. Was I in the same place as Steven, with regards to the newness of knowing each other and the level of seriousness he could see in it? Was I really ready to be so committed to someone, as he often indicated he was? The questions kept entering my head. I'd have to sleep on it, but when I tried to sleep I found I couldn't. There wasn't anything I could do in the middle of the night, but I knew of something that would get rid of any doubts or worries.
* * * *
First thing next morning, I phoned Craig.
"Hi Debs. Is something wrong?" he asked, with a slight sound of alarm in his voice.
I smiled to think that Craig still cared so much about me, especially after the way I had recently treated him.
"Nothing's wrong, Craig, but I was wondering if you would like to get together to do some songs?"
For a moment he was silent and I wondered if I had said the wrong thing.
"Well, I have got phone numbers for some musicians. If you like, I can ring them and see if they are interested in a session. We can set up and practice in my garage. There's plenty of room here."
Half an hour later I was on my way to Craig's house. I was feeling more nervous about singing than I had at any time in the past. My singing voice hadn't been used since I had finished my voice training several months earlier. Automatically I started thinking out songs in my head.
When I arrived at the address Craig had given me, I almost broke into a run to get inside. He greeted me at the door. Now I didn't stop him from hugging me. Now he was Craig, my friend and singing partner again. Nothing was said about the last time we had seen each other. He took my hand.
"What are you doing, Craig?" I asked.
"I'm going to give you a grand tour of my house."
I let him lead me from room to room.
"Your house, Craig? As in ... you bought this?" I asked and when I faced him I could tell that he was indeed the proud owner of the beautiful homestead.
"Well, I thought that if you ever came back, it would be nice to have somewhere for you to stay. Somewhere special."
We stood speechless for a few minutes, until the doorbell rang. With my having become aware of yet another spike of sudden emotion, it couldn't have rung at a better moment.
At the door stood two guys and one girl with all their musical gear. We were all introduced and then moved out to Craig's garage. When the band got everything ready to go I quietly explained that I hadn't sung for a while, before we tried to agree on one song to play. Craig knew I loved to belt out Pat Benatar's music so I was glad when he suggested one of her songs and the band agreed. We had to begin a couple of times but once we got into a good rhythm with each other, I forgot all about anything else for the next two hours. Craig and I both put our all into our singing and when we did our duet of Total Freedom - our song - I knew that we could be better than before. Now we could be great, dynamic - everything we had ever wanted to be.
When the last song was over I was drenched in sweat, feeling like I'd been running rather than singing, but I felt so good. Craig and I smiled at each other before I ran up to him and he picked me up in his arms as I held him and laughed. All the guys came up to us and complimented us on our voices, before we all decided to talk about becoming an actual group.
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'd like to go home and have a shower," I said and looked to everyone else for guidance. Everyone agreed they felt the same.
"Why don't we go back to our flat and come back here in an hour?" Andrew suggested and Craig and I nodded.
"I'll drive you home, Debbie, and wait till you're ready. Then we can come back together," Craig said and I nodded.
We all left the house and as Craig and I drove down his driveway I looked at the beauty of it and his words repeated in my head, 'somewhere for you to stay, somewhere special'. I wanted to talk to him about those words but I suspected that Craig would bring it up sooner or later. As hard as I tried, I couldn't get it off my mind; that and the guilt I was starting to feel about being with Craig when I should have been with Steven.
"You really sound different now, Debs. I thought you were great before, but now ... wow!" Craig said and I smiled.
He still knew what the right thing to say was, and when to say it.
"Yeah, well, that makes two of us. You really are a great musician," I said and he turned to look at me.
"Do you mean that?"
"Of course I do. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."
He went quiet but when I glanced at him I saw that he was honestly taken aback and pleased at the compliment.
When we arrived at the flat, I left Craig at the door to go get showered and changed. It wasn't until I was ready to go, and ran into the living room, that I saw Steven and Sally sitting, talking to Craig. I stopped dead in my tracks at the sight of Steven. "Hi," I managed to say with a smile.
"Hi Debbie," both returned.
"Are you ready to go, Debs?" Craig asked and I nodded. "Well, let's go then," he said, sounding as if he wanted to get out of there super quick.
"Okay, see you guys later," I said, feeling awful but not wanting to put anyone in an uncomfortable position. It wouldn't have felt right kissing Steven in front of Craig or Sally - well, not yet anyway.
We got back in the car. "That guy Steven is quite a hard case, isn't he?"
I nodded and smiled. "Yes, he is." Well, that was one good thing - Craig didn't think he was unfriendly, anyway!
Andrew, Greg and Andrea were waiting for us when we arrived.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, guys," Craig said before shuffling us all inside. "Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat, or perhaps a drink?" he said as he pulled cans of soft drinks from the fridge. The coolness made my throat feel more soothed than it had since the session earlier. It was nice to see that no-one pushed for alcohol, something I hadn't had for a couple of years.
We went into the living room and sat down. Craig started the conversation off and soon we were involved in talking about who would do what in the band to get us known, what music to play, and then what we were to call ourselves. For the first time all day, Andrea called attention to herself.
"Well, I think that song of yours - what is it called ... Total Freedom? That's a great name for a band and we'll have a 'title song', so to speak. What do you guys think?"
Everyone nodded and I was overwhelmed. In earlier years, Craig and I had joined a band, now these guys were interested in joining with us. And our song would be known! We made a time to get together on the Sunday for another practice session and the three new band members left, leaving me with Craig once again.
"Would you like to stay and have dinner with me, Deb?" he asked and I hesitated before I smiled.
"I'd like that, but does that mean you are going to cook, Craig?" I smiled. "As in, cook food?" I asked jokingly and he threw a cushion at me.
"I am a very good cook, I'll have you know," he said and smiled. I grabbed the cushion and pretended to beat him with it. He played along and pretended to be in great pain. We started laughing ridiculously and were having a wrestling match on the floor, until I decided I'd better stop before we got any closer.
I held up my hand. "Truce. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing," I said and smiled. "And besides, I want to see you cook!"
We went through to the kitchen and as he threw together ingredients, I just sat and watched and talked to him. I'd been back for eight weeks and this was the first time Craig and I actually talked. We talked about the band before, our lives before we split up, and what we'd both been doing since I left. Soon the meal was ready - the most beautiful Mexican food I'd ever tasted.
"Oh. My. God. This is great. How come you never did anything like this when we lived together?" I said and he smiled.
"Well, we didn't exactly have an average lifestyle back then, did we. Maybe if we had learned cooking and normal living etiquette, we'd have been a little bit more healthy," he said and both of us were quiet at the thought of the sizes we used to be. "You know, when I came home that day and found your letter I really thought that I wouldn't be able to do or be anything without you. But I am glad that you left because it made me realise that we were pretty stupid back then. And there's so much more to life than drugs and alcohol. I'm glad you stayed in touch," he said and I couldn't break my gaze from him as he took my hand. "And I'm even more glad that you're back. I really missed you Debs."
"Craig, you always make me want to cry," I said, trying to laugh at the tears running down my face.
He stood up and walked around to my side of the table, holding out his hand.
"Would Madame care to dance?" he asked and I laughed.
"But we don't have any music," I said as I stood up.
"Come with me," he responded and led me through to the living room. He pushed play on the stereo and 'Lady in Red' came on. It was my favourite romantic song of all time, and knowing that he had set it up to play for me, reminded me again of how well Craig knew me - far more than anyone else I had ever had in my life. He held open his arms and I eagerly walked into them. Neither of us spoke as we danced. All I could concentrate on was the way it felt to dance with Craig. That, and the way it felt to sing with him, were joys that I would never be able to share with Steven.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 3