When the song ended I pulled back from Craig so I could look at his face. He looked like he wanted to kiss me but, as if realising what was about to happen, he gave me a quick peck on the cheek and a long hug. "How about I drop you home?" I nodded.
We sat in silence on the way to my flat, and when I got out of the car I said a quick 'see you tomorrow' before heading up the path. Inwardly I was equally dreading more and more, with every step, that Steven wasn't going to be there still, whilst at the same time also dreading that he was going to still be there.
I needn't have worried because when I walked in, Steven and Sally were just finishing their dinner in the dinette. I didn't know what to say because Steven wasn't visiting me, but he was the guy I was dating. It was another piece of a difficult situation for me to learn to deal with.
"Would you like some dinner, Debbie? There's still some extra left over," Sally asked.
"No thanks, I've eaten," I said, sitting down. There was silence for a while.
"Why don't you kiddies go talk while I do the dishes," she suggested and neither Steven or myself argued as we left the dining area and headed for the living room.
Steven made himself comfortable on the sofa while I watched again the guy who could make me feel so good and yet in some ways concerned me with his serious declarations.
I stood before him as he asked, "Debbie, is there something I should know about you and Craig?"
He looked like he was about to cry and when I looked closer at him I wondered if he hadn't already done so. I knelt down in front of him.
"Oh, Steven," I said, taking his hands in mine and looking into his eyes. "Craig is a very special friend of mine. For a long time he has been like family to me - far more so than the people who actually gave life to me! We had a long time apart and I have been finding it has been a bit of a rocky readjustment, relaxing back into our friendship these past few weeks. You know that he was my singing partner in the past, and today we got a new band together so we are going to be spending a lot of time together. But there's nothing romantic happening between us - we are just good friends."
"Well, why were you so ashamed to introduce me as your boyfriend today?" he asked, surprising me with the question and once again making me slightly nervous about his level of seriousness.
I paused and sighed. "Steven, today was a little uncomfortable for me. I haven't told Craig about you so I didn't want to upset him. And Sally is your cousin and I don't really feel right being with you in front of her."
I raised myself to sit on the sofa beside him. He looked at me, then put his arms around me before I kissed him. Soon he was kissing me back but all I could think about was Sally in the next room.
"What's wrong?" Steven asked.
"Steven, don't you feel rude doing this when you came over to see Sally?"
He shook his head. "Sally and I have already talked about me going out with you. She's not worried about it so why should you be?"
He did have a point, but I was still uncomfortable, and speechless while Sally entered the room.
"Am I interrupting something?" she asked and Steven and I said in unison, "No."
The three of us all got into regular conversation after that, until I felt like I could drop off to sleep at any moment.
"Well, I am heading off to bed - I have to get up early for a practice with the band," I said and turned to Steven.
"Ring me tomorrow?" he asked and I nodded before kissing him on the cheek and leaving the room.
Even though I was exhausted when I left the lounge, once I got into bed I found my mind ticking so loud that I couldn't sleep. I was very aware that Steven was in the next room and I began imagining that he lived in the flat too - that we were living together. What if we did eventuate into lovers, and then living in the same space? What would I have to learn to cope with? Could I cope with Steven as a permanent partner? All these questions were gnawing so I made myself turn all doubts into positive thoughts and soon I was out like a light.
Chapter 6
Next thing I knew, I was woken by Craig's voice calling to me from afar. "Wake up, sleepyhead."
Only when I finally opened my eyes did I realise that he wasn't so far away. Instead, he was sitting on the edge of my bed, smiling at me. For a moment I felt like I was blown away as I was reminded again of what Craig looked like now. Even though we had seen each other a few times since I had returned, somehow it still kept hitting me as a new reality whenever I saw him.
"I thought you said you were an early riser these days!" Craig said and laughed as he fluffed up and adjusted my straggly hair.
I tried to pull myself together. "What time is it?"
"Ten thirty," he replied, looking at his watch.
I groaned. "Sorry Craig, I guess I was more tired than I thought."
Without thinking, I jumped out of bed to get up. When I turned and looked at Craig I was startled by the look on his face. I had never been self conscious around him, but reading his expression I thought that maybe it was time to start. After all we weren't the same people physically; we both had new attractive bodies now and I could see that exact thought registering on Craig's face.
"I'll wait for you in the lounge," he said, obviously embarrassed as he walked out.
As I had a shower I let my mind run overtime. How could I be so open and forward toward my best friend when I didn't even do that around my boyfriend? Was the change really so great if it meant Craig and I couldn't relax around each other anymore?
We left the house in silence but as soon as we got in the car, Craig spoke.
"I'm sorry about before, Debs. I knew you had changed but I didn't think you'd changed that much!"
"Just be quiet, okay, Craig? Just forget it," I said, extremely embarrassed.
"Okay," he said and paused. "But I just want to tell you that you really are a beautiful woman now and I wish sometimes that we weren't friends like we are. I envy Steven," he said and went quiet.
After I heard and considered his words, I realised that I hadn't even spoke of Steven to Craig.
"Why did you say that?" I asked and he questioned me. "Why did you mention Steven?"
"Debs, don't you think I can see? That night of the party and yesterday - if nothing's happening now, I could bet that it's going to," he said and we drove in silence for the rest of the journey to his house.
I felt like I had betrayed Craig, having not told him anything about Steven. Still, now he'd said what he had, I realised that I didn't have to worry anymore about this, at least - the worst bit was over. Now all I had to do was find the courage to be completely open and honest with him about my relationship. But before I could do that, what I really needed to do was ascertain what I wanted to happen with Steven. Was I really as serious about him as he seemed to be about me, or was I just enjoying his attention and ignoring what should look like a big red light flashing in front of my eyes with the level of his seriousness about our time together.
* * * *
Once the band was organised we were straight into rehearsal and soon all of my worries were forgotten once again. The power we were generating from only our second rehearsal together reassured me that we were going to be great together, and we were going to get noticed. Andrea had already started designing fliers and contacting nightspots around the city. All we had to do was wait.
Three hours later we were saying our separate goodbyes again and heading in different directions. Craig had offered to take me home but I didn't want to start depending on him again so I slowly wandered home on my own, appreciating the space for personal thoughts.
After getting showered and changed at home I decided it was time for attention to myself and no-one else. I felt as though the whole weekend had gone nowhere, even though I had kept myself so busy over the entire two days. I made sure Sally and Tina were both out before locking myself in my room and turning up my stereo. The sound of Pat Benatar's 'Wide Awake in Dreamland' filled the flat as I did my hair and makeup, and then got stuck i
nto all the domestics. By dinner time I was exhausted and had just put my feet up, ready to enjoy a nice hot chocolate, when the phone rang.
"Hi Debbie," Steven said and I remembered his final words of the night before, 'ring me'.
"Steven, hi. I'm sorry I haven't called you. I have been flat out all day," I said, knowing that if I had been in his position it may not have been an acceptable excuse to me. There was silence and I could tell he wasn't his usual self.
"Would you like to come over, Debbie? I think that we really need to talk," he said and I shivered as I knew he was right. We had such different ideals and views of things, particularly how serious our relationship was, and now was the right time to sit down and discuss a few things.
"Okay, Steven. I'll be over soon," I said before we said our goodbyes.
I so much wanted to stall for time but I knew it was better to get this over with. I may as well face the fact that Steven was about to split up with me. And with that thought I was out the door and on my way down the road.
Steven opened the door even before I could knock so I guessed he must have seen me walking from the flat. I wondered immediately whether my facial expressions had shown the misery I felt inside. For a moment we just looked at each other and then I was invited inside by Steven's father. As usual he just wanted to make jokes and laugh, but at that moment I was finding it hard to laugh at even his jokes. Steven's mother walked into the lounge shortly after we had.
"It's too nice an evening to be inside. Steven, why don't you take Debbie out to the back yard and show off your father's garden to her," she said and I felt a little easier at the thought that Steven and I were going to have a little privacy.
We made our way through the house to the back yard and at once I could see what Mrs Chalmers meant about the garden - it was absolutely beautiful. As if reading my thoughts Steven commented, "Dad spends a lot of time out here."
"I can see why he would - it's lovely," I answered, focusing on the garden sofa swing and heading for it. All my life I had dreamed of having a family, a home and a garden just like this. Did Steven realise just how lucky he was?
After a couple of minutes Steven was in front of me, just facing me. I felt like I was about to be sentenced and neither of us spoke until I couldn't bear it anymore. "What did you want to talk to me about Steven?" I asked nervously.
He looked confused for a moment. "I thought maybe you would have something to tell me!" Obviously our wires had gotten crossed somewhere.
"Steven, what are you expecting me to say? I thought you had something to tell me." I quietened for a moment as I watched anger build on what till now had always seemed a happy face. "What's going on?"
"You told me last night that you would be out at practice this morning and that you would ring me when you'd finished," he said, visibly upset, and I went into shock in surprise of what was happening right before me. "Did you forget because you were busy ... or because you were with Craig?" My mouth closed sharply as I realised I had been gaping.
"You asked me about Craig last night and I told you we were good friends. Why would you think he would be a reason for me not to phone you?"
"Oh, I don't know. Perhaps because you realised that he is more important to you than I am, and you would want to break up with me," Steven said and I was speechless.
When I thought about how I had expected him to tell me that he wanted to break up with me, I started to smile. Then laugh. Steven, however, did not see any humour in the situation.
"What are you laughing at? Am I that funny to you, Debbie?" he asked through a very pained face.
I got up and walked toward him. He backed up a bit until he realised he couldn't get away from me that easily. I knelt in front of him, just as I had done the night before to comfort him, as I was about to do now.
"Steven, you are the most attractive guy I have ever met. Don't go thinking about me and Craig - if I found him half as attractive as you I would be with him! You just have to accept that my best friend is a guy - but he's just my best friend. He isn't any more important to me than you. These are just two entirely different situations." There was quiet so I went on. "I can't keep worrying about how you feel about this, Steven. I came over here thinking you were going to split up with me but that's not what I want."
"Well, what do you want?" Steven asked.
"I want to be with you as much as I can, but I have to sing and spend time with Craig, and today after practice I had to spend some time by myself. You think about all this, Steven. I know what I want but if you can't give me the freedom I need, and trust me even a little, then I don't think we should see each other." I stood up. "Ring me when you have thought about everything I have said," I said and left him as I showed myself out of the house.
Walking home, I fought the tears that were threatening to flow. How had I got myself into such a situation? When I got in the door to the flat I ran into my room before anyone could see, and let myself cry to sleep. I wanted to speak to Craig - but that was what was causing all my problems in the first place, wasn't it? Still, a best friend always came before a boyfriend. It had taken me some time to ease back into my friendship with Craig. But now that I felt like we had realigned once more, I could see that he had helped me out too many times for me to turn my back on him. Not now, not ever.
* * * *
Over the five working days that followed I spoke with no-one except Andrea, who had essentially become spokesperson for the band. A gig had been arranged for the weekend after next, she told me, and I felt a new bunch of nerves as I thought about getting up on stage again. I hadn't performed in front of people for so long - could I still do it?
Friday night rolled around and when the phone rang I found myself hoping it was Steven. It was a male voice on the other end, but not that of Steven.
"Hey, Debs. How would you like the two of us to do something tonight?" Craig asked and I smiled at the thought.
"Like what, Craig?"
"Oh, I don't know. Why don't I just come over and pick you up and we'll go from there. Okay?" he said mysteriously and I agreed.
Half an hour later I was in Craig's car, being chauffeured to 'some exotic destination' as he had put it. Only when I heard the sound of the waves did I realise where we were.
"The beach!" I shrieked, and I couldn't believe that I had been back in town for this long and not even glanced at the waterside.
Craig got out of the car and walked around to open my door for me. I eagerly jumped out and we both took off our shoes before running recklessly down towards the surf. After giggling and saturating ourselves in a water fight, Craig got serious. "Stay right here, I'll get some blankets from the car," he said and returned a few minutes later. We both sat down and wrapped the blankets around us. "Now, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Craig asked and I looked at him.
"What makes you think there's anything wrong?" He reached over and took my hand.
"You are so important to me, Deb, and I want to be here for you. All week, ever since last Saturday, I have been getting a feeling, like there's something upsetting you. I've waited all week for you to call me to talk, because I know you need your space, but I need to know what's up." We were silent as both Craig and I knew not what to say. "Please tell me," he pushed.
The last time we had talked I had felt that everything was going to be okay between Craig and me, that nothing would ever feel uncomfortable between us again. But now I seized up again - I just couldn't speak. I looked away so that Craig couldn't see the tears in my eyes.
"Has something happened between you and Steven?" he asked and I kept quiet still. "Come on. I'm here, ready to listen. Why won't you talk to me?" he asked, starting to sound desperate, just as he had done the first night we saw each other after our separation. I squeezed his hand and turned back to look at him.
"Craig, something has happened between Steven and me, but I just don't feel right talking to you about him." I could see a pained expression appear on his face.
; "Look, I know that you are seeing him and don't think it doesn't hurt me because it does - you know how I feel about you. But I also know how you feel about me and I am so glad to have the friendship with you that we have." He paused and kissed my hand. "We have to be able to talk to each other about our girlfriends/boyfriends, lovers, everything, because otherwise we're not going to be able to be here for each other all the time."
He paused and we were silent as I processed what he was saying.
"Do you understand what I'm saying?" he asked and I nodded. "If Steven makes you happy then I'm happy too, but right now I don't see a smile on your face," he said and I could tell he wasn't going to give up till he knew everything.
I let out a sigh as I tried to collate words in my head before speaking.
"You are right. Steven and I have been seeing a little of each other, but it hasn't developed into anything major," I said and Craig answered, "Yet."
"Well, it might not, partly because I am not sure where my head is at or what I want, but also because Steven just can't seem to accept you," I said to him, hating to say it but he'd pushed too hard to know some truth.
A look of surprise crossed Craig's face. "Me? Why?"
I couldn't believe Craig could be so ignorant.
"Okay, let's look at this situation. I spend most of my weekends with you and the band, and Steven looks at you and just sees someone to be jealous of. We sing together, we dance, and above all, you're hardly bad looking, are you?!" I said and he smiled. "It's not funny, Craig. What if Steven doesn't accept you? What if no man ever accepts you as my best friend?"
We looked at each other before Craig asked the question I knew he would. "Do you want me to keep away from you indefinitely?" he asked, confused.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 4