A Christmas Kiss

by Anna Samuels

  He nodded solemnly. ‘Cos that’s fair…being fair…one for me, one for Katie.’

  ‘That’s right. Do you want your present then?’

  ‘Yes please!’ he said enthusiastically.

  I left the table to head for my bag. I fished inside and retrieved the small packages. Then I headed back to the table.

  ‘There you are,’ I told him, placing it in front of him.

  ‘Thanks Auntie Ally!’

  ‘See if you like it.’

  He opened it slowly and then gasped as he saw his little box, handmade by myself.

  ‘Wow! It’s a proper treasure box! Oh wow! I love it, Auntie Ally! Thanks so much!’

  ‘No problem,’ I said, and then smiled to myself at my own words.

  ‘Z for Zachary!’ he grinned. ‘Does Katie’s have a K?’

  ‘It does! Do you want to give hers to her?’

  ‘Yes please!’ he said and then rushed off.

  I carried on eating, with just Laurie and I left at the table.

  ‘So rubbish day?’ she asked.

  I nodded glumly. ‘She’s gunning for me, Laurie. She’s going after me with capability procedures.’

  ‘Oh no!’ she exclaimed.

  ‘Yeah…initially I felt the same…then I changed my thinking. Why the hell does it matter?’ I argued.

  ‘Well…’

  ‘I don’t plan on teaching again, Laurie. You were right. A complete change is what I need. Whatever that is, I’m willing to take some risks. So forget her! She’s irrelevant. I’ll do my time and then never go back again. None of it matters.’

  ‘Well, I’m glad you’re okay with it. It can’t have been an easy week.’

  ‘It wasn’t,’ I admitted. ‘But you know what, it’s all fine now…’

  She nodded and smiled.

  ‘Because I’m here, with you and your lovely family. What could be better than that?’ I smiled.

  ‘What, indeed?’ she replied softly, laying a hand on mine. ‘You want to help me get the kids to bed?’

  I smiled. ‘I’d love to.’

  Chapter 6

  A half term holiday

  With the children asleep in bed and Daniel in his office, Laurie and I sat down together on the sofa to chat.

  ‘It feels so good to be back,’ I told her.

  She smiled. ‘Its home,’ she said simply.

  ‘It hasn’t been for a long time.’

  Laurie looked down at her hands. ‘But it could be.’

  I nodded slowly. ‘I’m coming back…when the job finishes, I am definitely coming back home.’

  Laurie smiled. ‘I’m really happy to hear you say that. You’ve been well missed, and it’ll be good to have you in the kid’s lives more.’

  ‘Exactly. That’s what I want.’

  ‘So, uh…thinking about you coming back to live here…’ Laurie began.

  I frowned as she looked nervous, ‘don’t worry,’ I butted in, ‘I won’t be intruding on you here! I’ll find my own place.’

  Laurie looked down at her hands and began wringing them nervously. ‘You don’t have to, Ally.’

  I looked at her and frowned more deeply. ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘You have a home here…’

  I shook my head. ‘You’re talking about Mum’s house? But you sold it!’

  Laurie avoided my eyes for a moment and then looked back up. ‘No…I uh…no…I didn’t sell it.’

  ‘What? But…what? Why?’ I exclaimed, flabbergasted.

  Laurie looked down again and seemed embarrassed. ‘I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘But we agreed!’

  ‘I know we did…but then I finally plucked up the courage to go inside. You know what, Ally? It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t upsetting. It was peaceful. It was full of the memories of our childhood. I couldn’t let that go. I didn’t allow it to go.’

  I shook my head, feeling absolutely stunned. ‘I can’t believe you didn’t sell it!’

  Laurie looked away from me.

  ‘So what happens now?’ I asked after a moment.

  ‘Well, considering your situation, I thought you might like to have the house. You could live there. Rebuild your life there.’

  I stared at her more. I felt beyond stunned.

  ‘Well say something!’

  ‘I…I don’t know what to say…I can’t get beyond the knowledge that it’s still ours!’

  ‘Well it is…well, yours.’

  ‘What do mean?’ I frowned.

  ‘I don’t want or need the house. I have my home here. We’re mortgage free thanks to Daniel and doing well. I don’t need Mum’s house or the money selling it would bring. What I would like is to see my little sister settled and happy, living in our childhood home.’

  I shook my head, ‘But half of it is yours, Laurie!’

  She dropped her face into her hands and rubbed her eyes. When she looked up at me, she looked weary. ‘I knew it would boil down to this…you’re a stubborn woman, Ally.’

  I all but pouted at her moodily.

  ‘Okay…I don’t need the money…’ she began.

  ‘But Zachary and Katie! It could be their future!’ I exclaimed.

  She nodded slowly, ‘Now there’s an idea.’

  ‘What’s an idea?’ I asked, confused.

  ‘The children…’

  ‘Yeah? What?’ I wondered.

  ‘Well, one you’re on your feet and working again-how about this? You set up two direct debits…one to Zachary’s saving account and the other to Katie’s. You pay them both £250 a month. In a year they both have £3000. In ten years that’s £30,000. In twenty years £60,000. You could pay monthly and the money would give them freedom to pursue a future of their choosing.’

  I nodded slowly, liking the idea intensely. The feeling that it would be fair and just while also providing me with much needed stability was alluring. ‘I like it,’ I said softly.

  ‘I like it too,’ Laurie replied.

  I shook my head slowly, ‘We still have the house…’

  She nodded, ‘You do.’

  I met her eyes. ‘I can’t do it alone,’ I told her with fresh tears coming to my eyes.

  ‘I know,’ she said, reaching out her hand. ‘I’ll be with you every step of the way.’

  I nodded. ‘You’ll come with me? Help me clear it a bit? Make it more manageable to be there with less of Mum’s things everywhere?’

  ‘Already done,’ she told me.

  I looked at her surprised.

  ‘I sold books and DVD’s and kept photos and keepsakes. I put much of Mum’s things into her old bedroom, that’s the one place I kept the same. The rest of the house…well, it’s pretty clear. A blank canvas to start again.’

  ‘When did you do all this?’ I exclaimed.

  She shrugged. ‘I’ve been busy.’

  ‘You certainly have,’ I replied.

  ‘If you like I’ll take you over there tomorrow.’

  I smiled a little, through sad eyes. ‘I’d like that…’

  ‘It’ll be okay, you know?’

  I nodded slowly. ‘I miss her so much, Laurie.’

  Laurie looked at me sadly and the moved to pull me into a hug, ‘me too, Ally. Me too.’

  ‘Do you think she’s in heaven?’ I asked against her shoulder, tears slipping down my cheeks.

  ‘I know she is,’ Laurie whispered. ‘Looking down on us every day.’

  I closed my eyes around that image and held onto Laurie tightly. There, in the arms of my sister, I found some peace.

  I slept well and woke feeling refreshed and energised in the morning. I showered and dressed before heading down the stairs jauntily to join the others for breakfast.

  ‘Hey!’ I smiled.

  The family group returned my smile and a chorus of ‘Good mornings’ rang out.

  ‘Breakfast! I’m famished!’ I said, sitting down.

  ‘Tuck in, Ally. There’s plenty of everything,’ Laurie welcomed.

 
‘Thanks. I’m not used to eating breakfast but it could become a good habit.’

  ‘Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, Auntie Ally,’ Zachary lectured me. ‘You have to eat plenty. Mummy says so!’

  ‘Mummy is right,’ I nodded. ‘I’m going to be a good girl and start eating breakfast every day.’

  ‘Yeah…cos you’re too thin. That’s what Mummy said,’ he told me clearly.

  I looked at Laurie who looked down embarrassed. ‘Sorry…’ she said, clearly cringing at the son overhearing her talk.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said smiling at her. ‘I am too thin…I feel thinner than usual. I’ll make it my mission to eat more and put on some weight. No one wants a stick insect!’ I said, poking fun of myself.

  Laurie nodded as she ate, ‘you just need some TLC, honey. And we’re the ones to provide it.’

  ‘Mummy? When is the wedding we’re going to? Is Ally coming?’

  ‘It’s on Sunday, honey…and no, it’s just our family this time. Auntie Ally will still be here when we get back though. Sorry Ally, I forgot to tell you that we have to go to Dorchester this Sunday for the day. It’s an old friend of mine’s wedding.’

  ‘Oh I don’t mind. It’ll give me a chance to get a few things done,’ I smiled, thinking of the plans that were circulating in my head. It was becoming a more thorough, thought-through plan and I was liking it more and more as I pondered it.

  ‘What are we doing today?’ Zachary asked.

  ‘Well, Daddy is going to take you to the park with Katie for a bit and then we can do something nice with Ally this morning.’

  ‘Okay,’ he agreed.

  ‘I thought we’d go and see the house? Daniel said he would look after the kids for a few hours.’

  I nodded enthusiastically. ‘Oh great. That would be fantastic. I’ve thinking about the house all night!’

  ‘What house?’ Zachary asked nosily. His six year old imagination had been intrigued and he was keen to know more.

  ‘We’ll tell you about it later, honey,’ Laurie said. ‘It’s a grown-up thing which we might be able to share with you soon.’

  ‘Oh…’ he grumbled, looking annoyed. ‘Tell me now!’

  ‘Zachary…’ my sister said, her voice a warning tone.

  ‘It’s not fair.’

  ‘It’s okay Laurie…’ I murmured, and then turned to Zachary. ‘We were just talking about the house we used to live in when Mummy and I were little…where we grew up.’

  ‘Grandma’s house?’ he asked leaning forwards.

  ‘That’s right,’ I nodded.

  ‘She died you know…’ he told me solemnly. ‘And Mummy cried a lot. It was sad and it made me feel sad. But she’s in heaven you know…and heaven is a nice place because you get to see all the other people in your family that you miss.’

  ‘Peppa in heaven!’ Katie announced then loudly. ‘Boo boo!’

  I looked at her in confusion.

  ‘Fish,’ Laurie told me in a loud whisper.

  ‘Dead fish!’ Zachary told me in an even louder whisper.

  Something about the situation made me feel amused and before I could help it, a delighted bubble of laughter escaped my lips. It wasn’t exactly funny, but the dramatic whispers of dead fish tickled me. Soon, everyone laughed with me, a good release of the tension that the topic of heaven had brought up. We finished up with smiles on our faces and more stories of the lives and times of Peppa and Boo boo.

  An hour later, Laurie and I climbed into her car and headed out towards the sea.

  ‘I still can’t believe this,’ I said, murmuring in low tones.

  ‘Are you mad with me?’ Laurie asked.

  ‘No. I was confused at first. Shocked. But not mad. Not with you, ever…was this your plan all along?’ I asked.

  ‘It really wasn’t. I promise you I didn’t plan this. I think sometimes fate has a way of stepping in when you need help most. See how you feel when you step inside, but once I had been back there, I knew I could never let it leave our family. It holds too many memories. It’s where we grew up…our childhood home.’

  ‘I know. I was thinking about it when I went to bed last night.’

  ‘What were you thinking?’ Laurie asked.

  ‘I was thinking that I was glad you didn’t sell it. I was thinking of all the possibilities this allows me for the future and I was remembering being there. If I can get past the grief of losing Mum, I don’t think it will be a hard place for me to be.’

  ‘We’ll never get past the grief, Ally…we’ll just have different phases of it…the way we deal with the emotions will change. It’s lost its rawness for me now, but it’s still early days.

  I nodded to myself as we pulled up outside the house. The drive had taken five minutes, door to door. Laurie lived so close. We would be a constant part of each other’s lives, living so close.

  ‘Shall we go in?’ she asked hesitantly.

  I glanced up at the beautiful, brick house which held so many memories for me. My heart beat had accelerated and my palms were sweaty. ‘Okay…’ I murmured.

  Out of the car, we headed up the drive together, gravel crunching under our feet. When we got to the door, Laurie stepped forwards and unlocked it. She stepped inside and swallowing my fear, I followed behind.

  It was the scent which assaulted my senses first. It touched my nose and reminded me of her. I sat down on the nearest sofa chair and cried. Laurie sat beside me, weeping softly too.

  ‘I can still smell her scent,’ I whispered.

  ‘I know…weird isn’t it?’

  ‘I wonder if she’s here…in some way,’ I murmured.

  ‘I’m sure she is. She loved us…she wanted the best for us.’

  ‘There were days when I hated how much she pushed me to strive for the best in life. Every day I hated teaching, I blamed on her. Now, I just wish she was here to annoy me some more.’

  Laurie regarded me closely. ‘We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t love, hate, argue and everything else we do. Mum loved us and we loved her. At the end of the day, that’s all that mattered.’

  ‘And I think she’d want me to be happy,’ I commented.

  ‘Of course she would!’

  ‘She wouldn’t mind that I’m leaving teaching, would she?’

  ‘Of course not honey…because it’s going to make you happier. The thing is Ally, you need to do this for you. No one else, just you. Figure it out yourself this time. Figure out who you want to be.’

  I nodded. ‘As I come away from teaching, that’s becoming clearer.’

  She nodded.

  ‘I see what you mean about this place. You’ve done a great job clearing it!’

  ‘Thanks. It’s a good blank canvas for you to do as you fancy,’ she commented.

  ‘It sure is. Show me the rest?’

  ‘Of course.’

  Laurie took me around the rest of the house and I found it to be peaceful rather than upsetting. The only room we didn’t go in was Mum’s bedroom which I wanted to look at on my own at a later stage. When we had milled around a little, I noticed Laurie glancing at her watch.

  ‘Laurie, why don’t you go back?’

  ‘Hey?’ she frowned.

  ‘You go…be with the kids. If you don’t mind, I’m going to stay here for a while and look around some more. I want to go up in the loft and look at some of those old things.’

  ‘But…I drove here…’

  ‘Yeah I know…but I can walk back later! It’d only take me fifteen minutes or so!’

  ‘Well, if you don’t mind?’ she murmured.

  ‘Not at all. Now I’ve broken the ice being here, I’d like to spend a little bit of time thinking and just being here…figuring it all out.’

  She nodded her understanding. ‘I think that sounds like a good idea. And I told Daniel that I would get back for lunchtime so he could do some work.’

  ‘You go. I’ll come back in a few hours.’

  ‘Thanks. Okay, well if you’re sure you
’re fine?’ she said, looking at me like a concerned mother hen.

  ‘Go! Go!’ I said, hustling her out of the door. ‘I’ll be fine! But thank you so much!’

  ‘Anytime,’ she said.

  I kissed her cheek and we smiled at each other before she left. When the door shut behind her, I was left alone with my house and the memories it still held.

  Chapter 7

  A Mother’s Love

  With Laurie gone, I stood in the hallway of the suddenly silent house. I turned and looked at the empty house. It was eerily quiet. I pivoted and headed up the stairs, my destination already in mind.

  I went straight to my Mum’s bedroom door. I opened it slowly, inching it open bit by bit as if something scary lay beyond. When it stood ajar, I peered in. It was just as I remembered.

  I wondered in slowly and her scent hit me first. A soft, perfume and talcum powder smell. Lovely…gentle. Everything lay as she had left it; even her reading glasses which lay atop a book on the bed side table. I walked across to the bed and sat down. Then I lay down, turning myself onto one side in a foetal position. Burying my face in her people where she had slept, I cried for the loss of the woman who had brought me into the world. The woman who had stood by me through thick and thin…my mother.

  When I could cry no more, I lay there thinking. I was thinking of her and what I would say to her if I could see her again. I squeezed my eyes shut, and imagined she was there with me once more; alive in some way.

  ‘I love you, Mum,’ I murmured in the quiet room. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that more. I miss you…I miss you so badly sometimes I think my heart is breaking. Why did you have to leave me so soon? I needed you. I need you now,’ I said aloud, crying to myself.

  I felt her presence, even though I was alone. There, in that room, my Mum looked down on me and I felt the love she had always shown to me.

  As I sat there coming to terms with her room without her, I looked around curiously. I opened drawers and perused their contents, I looked at the jewellery she had worn and the clothes in the wardrobe before sitting back down on the bed. My eyes fell upon a book which was upturned on the side. As I picked it up, I saw that it had been well read and even had pages turned down inside it, marking important passages. When I read the blurb, I was even more fascinated.