by Anna Samuels
‘I will! She’ll say yes, I’m sure!’
‘Okay then…well night, night gorgeous.’
‘Night Ally…see you tomorrow!’
‘See you tomorrow,’ I replied.
I sat there watching him as he relaxed down into sleep. When I was sure he was resting, I tucked the cover up under his shoulders and kissed his cheek. Then I headed next door to check on Katie. She was sleeping peacefully so I left them both to it.
Heading down the stairs, I got myself a drink from the fridge and then settled down onto the sofa to relax. As I sat in the quiet, dim room, my thought ran over everything Zachary had said. The things he had been considering and the warmth I felt inside from my time in his company made me realise something I had been denying. My relationship with Alex wasn’t enough for me…I wanted and needed more.
Chapter 33
Fall out
Laurie, Daniel and his parent’s arrived home a little after eleven. It had been uneventful as the children had remained asleep and content so I had just sat in the lounge, mulling over my relationship with Alex. I went around in circles but came back to the same conclusion; it wasn’t enough and I knew I had to talk to her…something I was scared to do.
When Laurie came home, we stood on the doorstep for privacy, chatting before I left.
‘You seem distracted,’ she commented.
I sighed. ‘I am…I’m completely confused about Alex.’
‘Why?’ she asked.
‘The same as before…we’re getting close in an intimate way but all I keep thinking is that I want so much more. I don’t think I can go on like this!’
‘Then don’t…talk to her.’
‘I’m scared,’ I admitted.
‘Of course you are, honey…but you only live once and it’s better to take a chance, right?’
‘And what if she says no? What if she doesn’t want me?’
‘Oh Ally, of course she does!’
‘You can’t know that!’ I objected.
‘Well, what’s the worst that could happen? She says she’s only interested in you for your body?’
I shrugged, ‘Pretty much…’
‘Then if it’s not enough, you move on…you can still be happy. It doesn’t have to be Alex.’
I looked down at my feet, shuffling uncomfortably. ‘It does though,’ I murmured.
‘You’re in love with her, aren’t you?’ she said quietly.
‘I am, yeah…’
‘Then tell her, sweetie…’
‘I don’t know if I can,’ I replied, feeling tears threaten.
‘Why?’ she asked softly.
I looked down as tears spilled, ‘I’m too scared…’
‘What are you scared of?’ she asked.
I shrugged again. ‘I don’t even know exactly. I just feel terrified every time I think about it.’
‘Maybe it’s you who is holding back then?’
‘I don’t know…I just know I have to talk to her, and that I’m scared.’
‘Call me? Call me after you’ve had the chat?’ she requested.
‘I will,’ I assured her.
‘Give me a hug then,’ she said, pulling me close into her embrace.
I held onto her tightly, trying to quell the emotion bubbling up inside me.
‘You’re going to be fine, honey,’ she whispered.
‘Thanks…’ I whispered back. ‘I hope so.’
‘Thanks for tonight,’ she said, pulling away to look at me again.
‘It was a pleasure…I’ll see you soon?’
‘Definitely,’ she nodded.
I headed down the path to my car, turning to wave. ‘Bye!’
‘Bye Ally!’ she called.
I headed home in the darkness.
When I reached my house, it was quiet and dark. I locked the door behind me and then headed up the stairs, assuming that Alex had gone to bed.
I went into my bedroom and changed into pyjamas quietly. As I was climbing into bed, I heard her voice in the next room call me softly.
I padded into the other room in bare feet.
‘Hey you,’ she murmured quietly.
‘Hey,’ I said, sitting on the side of the bed.
‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ she told me.
‘You have?’
‘Yeah…I missed you tonight.’
‘I missed you too…’
‘So, how was babysitting?’ she asked, with a warm smile in the dim light.
‘It was great…I love those kids to bits.’
‘Were they good?’
‘They were fine…Katie missed Laurie a bit but it didn’t last long. Zachary was a pleasure to spend time with. He’s such a wonderful boy.’
She smiled. ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it.’
‘I’m tired now though…’ I told her yawning. ‘I need to go to sleep.’
‘Me too…curl up with me here?’ she requested.
I moved straight into the bed willingly, curling into her side comfortably, enjoying the warmth of her body.
‘I’m exhausted…’ I murmured, knowing tonight wasn’t the right time for our conversation.
‘Me too…sleep, Ally.’
‘Okay…night Alex.’
‘Night, Ally,’ she replied.
I closed my eyes and was asleep in seconds.
When I next woke, it was to the sensation of feminine hands, running over my curves gently. I moaned a little and arched into her embrace, stretching like a cat. Alex moved closer and while my eyes were still closed, she kissed me slowly, drawing out the pleasure by working my mouth against hers in an intimate fashion. I moved restlessly against her feeling tension fill me.
Her mouth moved lower and she kissed a path along my neck and down to my breasts. Pushing my t-shirt up and out of her way, she feasted on my naked breasts, licking and suckling my nipples until I was crying out with need. Only then did she move down, and removed my pyjamas in one quick motion. Her mouth was on me and licking me intimately. I spread my legs wider and groaned aloud as her fingers joined her mouth. I felt the rise of an orgasm rapidly approaching and I grabbed the bedclothes for support. Higher and higher she pushed me until I climaxed with a gasp and a cry. Before I could recover, Alex moved up the bed to sit astride my face, asking for her own pleasure in actions. I lifted my mouth to her sex and began my own assault on her clitoris; making her squirm and writhe with desire. I licked, suckled and teased her sensitive nub until she arched with pleasure, reaching her climax quickly above me. She collapsed down next to me on the bed, spent.
We lay on the bed afterwards, both quiet and calm. I wondered if she had gone back to sleep as she was so quiet but for me there was no chance of that. My overactive brain had begun churning with thought and the upcoming conversation that I was going to have with Alex. I wouldn’t do it in bed, I decided. That wouldn’t be comfortable. No, I would wait until a good opportunity presented itself, but decided I would not wait for long.
‘Are you awake?’ Alex asked.
I turned, surprised. ‘Yeah! I thought you were sleeping.’
‘No…I’m hungry actually. I was thinking about getting up and having breakfast!’ she chuckled.
‘Ah! Good idea,’ I said, thinking it might provide a good chance to bring up the subject of our relationship.
‘I’m going to have a quick shower,’ she said, climbing out of bed.
I watched her go, wondering if it was the last time I would see her naked, the last time I would spent in her bed. I wasn’t sure how the conversation was going to go, but I feared the outcome, without knowing why.
After we had both showered and dressed, we headed downstairs and made breakfast together in the kitchen. I waited patiently, eating my breakfast despite not being able to taste anything but fear in my mouth. The moment she was finished, I knew the right moment had arrived.
‘Alex?’
‘Yes?’ she said looking up.
‘I need to talk to you,’ I told her.
&n
bsp; Alex narrowed her eyes and tilted her head, ‘Okay…that sounds ominous!’
‘Well no…and yes,’ I decided.
‘Go on then…’
‘Well, I wanted to talk about us,’ I told her slowly, unsurely.
‘Us? Oh Ally, I told you, don’t analyse it all! Can’t we just enjoy what we’re doing?’ she asked.
‘What are we doing, Alex?’ I said, asking her directly the question I most wanted to find the answer to.
‘We’re sleeping together! I thought that much was obvious!’ she said, jumping to a defensive tone.
‘Is that what you want?’ I asked.
‘Of course! All I want is you in my arms, touching you and making you feel as incredible as you do for me.’
‘Yeah…’ I murmured.
‘What are you trying to say, Ally?’
‘I don’t know…I guess I’m just confused about all this. I didn’t expect things to go this way.’
‘What way? Sleeping with each other?’ she asked, frowning.
‘Well yeah! I’ve never been friends with benefits with anyone. I’ve had friends and I’ve had relationships but nothing in between!’
‘Ally, I just got out of a relationship! So did you! I thought you might like to take things slowly?’ she asked.
‘That’s it,’ I told her, feeling disappointment inside. ‘I want to go back to being friends,’ I told her.
‘What?’ she asked, looking bewildered.
‘Yeah…I don’t think this is right for me, what we’re doing. I’d rather be just friends.’
She looked at me like I was mad. ‘I thought you were enjoying us being sexually involved?’
‘I am…I mean, I was…’ I shook my head. ‘I don’t think I can do it anymore.’
‘Why?’
‘I can’t explain it exactly…’ I murmured.
‘Ally! An hour ago, you were having sex with me! What’s changed?’
‘I’ve been thinking about it a while,’ I admitted.
‘What? That you don’t want to be with me anymore?’
‘I, uh…’
‘This is news to me!’ she exclaimed.
‘Alex, I…’
‘No! You’ve been thinking all of this and still carrying on sleeping with me regardless. That’s not fair, Ally!’
‘I didn’t mean to hurt you!’ I told her.
‘You have. If you didn’t want to be with me, you should have just told me. You’ve clearly been stringing me along!’
‘No, it’s not like that.’
‘Then explain it!’
‘I can’t…all I can say is that I can’t have a sexual relationship with you,’ I told her.
‘Why?’ she exploded.
Because I love you! I thought in my head, but couldn’t manage to get the words out for real. ‘I just can’t…’
‘So this is all over?’ she asked.
I shrugged.
‘I’ll have to leave here then. I can’t stay if you don’t want to be with me!’
‘Perhaps it would be better if you were at your parent’s house for a while…’ I mused.
‘I can’t believe this!’ she said, standing up and shoving the chair back in annoyance. ‘I absolutely can’t believe this…’
Without another word, she stalked away angrily. I watched her go feeling a mix of sadness and frustration with myself. As I heard her walk up the stairs, presumably to get her belongings, inside my head was screaming to go after her, to beg her to love me. I knew I couldn’t do it though. I hadn’t been able to tell her what I was truly feeling and I didn’t quite understand why. I leant my head in my hands and waited for her to return. I didn’t wait long, and she didn’t return.
A loud slam of the door and then a car engine revving signalled to me that she had left. I leant my head further down onto the table and cried.
For the rest of the day, I wandered the house aimlessly. I couldn’t bring myself to go down to the beach in case I saw Alex and even though the gallery was meant to be open, I found I just couldn’t face it that day.
I cleaned and hoovered before doing dishes and washing. I kept myself busy but by tea time, I was pacing the floors.
When my mobile phone rang, I snatched it up thinking it might be Alex. It wasn’t. It was Laurie.
‘Hello?’ I said into the phone.
‘Hey Ally, it’s me!’
‘Hey Laurie, how are you?’
‘Oh I’m fine, but I phoned to find out about you! How did it go? Did you have the conversation?’ she asked.
I sighed, ‘I did…’
‘And?’ she prompted.
‘And she left…’ I told her.
‘She left?’
‘Uh huh,’ I said miserably.
‘She left even after you told her you loved her?’ she asked.
I fell silent for a moment.
‘You did tell her, didn’t you, Ally?’
‘I uh…I couldn’t,’ I admitted.
‘Oh Ally…’ she said, sounding pained.
‘I didn’t know how to tell her!’
‘So what did you say? Why did she leave?’ Laurie asked.
‘I asked her what we were doing in our relationship….she basically said sex and I told her I didn’t want that anymore.’
‘Okay…did you explain that it was because sex alone is not enough for you?’
I paused and thought, ‘No…I just said that maybe we’re better as friends.’
‘Ally! You didn’t even give her the chance to talk about pursuing a deeper relationship, did you?’
‘I…I guess not…’
‘Ally! So, has she left now?’
‘She left this morning,’ I said miserably.
‘Oh! Is she coming back?’
‘No…she took her stuff to her parent’s.’
‘No way! Oh Ally…you should have just told her!’
‘She doesn’t see me in that way, Laurie! She just wants a sexual relationship. She’s only just broken up with Jenny!’ I said, making excuses for why we couldn’t be together.
‘I think that’s crap,’ Laurie replied, calling my bluff. ‘What happened today is down to you, Ally…pull yourself together and tell her how you feel. She deserves that at the very least.’
I felt my heart thudding in my chest at her words. ‘I don’t think I can…’ I murmured in response.
‘Well then, you’ll lose her,’ she stated.
As I said goodbye and hung up, Laurie’s words echoed through my head.
Chapter 32
Sad and alone
All night long, I tossed and turned restlessly, regretting my words and actions and wishing I had told her what was really going on in my head. When I woke, it was still dark and I felt more alone than I had done in a long time.
I lay in bed feeling lonely and sad as the minutes ticked by on the clock. When I eventually saw the light begin to arrive, I rolled off the bed and got myself up slowly. Downstairs, I made a drink and sat down on the sofa. The house seemed awfully quiet without Alex and I realised just how used to her company I had become.
Minutes passed with me doing nothing but think. I knew I should be preparing to open the gallery by now but I felt scared and anxious about going down to the beach. Instead, I called Laurie.
‘Hello?’
‘Hey Laurie, it’s me.’
‘Hey…how are you this morning?’ she asked.
‘Not great,’ I replied. ‘I could use some distraction if you’re about?’
‘Yes of course, come on over! We’re just at home today so you’re more than welcome to join us for a bit.’
‘Thanks Laurie.’
‘So, you’re not opening the gallery today?’ she questioned.
‘I should be,’ I replied, ‘but I just don’t want to go down there right now.’
‘Ah…I see…’
‘Things were left a little bit awkwardly.’
‘Oh…well, come on by. We can chat more…I’ll see if I can help.’
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‘Okay. Thanks Laurie.’
‘My pleasure. See you in a bit!’
‘Thanks Laurie. See you soon.’
I got myself ready and headed out of the house which was now too quiet without the woman I longed for. I drove the short distance to Laurie’s house and parked outside on the drive.
After knocking, Laurie greeted me at the door with a kind, sympathetic smile. ‘Hey you…’
‘Hey,’ I replied, taking off my coat.
‘Come on in…I’ll make you something to cheer you up!’
‘I don’t think that’s going to be possible today!’
‘Oh come on…we can at least try.’
‘Okay,’ I conceded reluctantly.
I followed Laurie into the kitchen where the children were sat on the floor with the contents of a lower cupboard sprawled out on the floor.
‘Hey kids!’ I called.
‘Hey Ally!’ Zachary replied. ‘Guess what we’re playing?’
‘Uh…I don’t know…make a mess of Mummy’s kitchen?’ I asked teasingly.
‘No silly!’ he corrected. ‘This is our shop! See how we’re selling all the food?’
‘Ah yes! How could I have missed that?’ I exclaimed, chuckling when Laurie gave me a long-suffering look.
I sat down at the kitchen table and Laurie placed hot chocolates and marshmallows in front of us.
‘Ah, perfect!’ I smiled.
‘Chocolate makes everything better,’ she smiled.
I sipped the drink and sighed, ‘it sure does.’
‘So…have you given it any more thought since yesterday?’ she asked.
‘Of course I have. I haven’t stopped thinking about it.’
‘I take it you haven’t heard from her?’
‘No…nothing. Nothing at all…’
‘You don’t sound happy about that,’ she commented.
‘Well no…in the back of mind I thought maybe she would come back and demand I talked to her more.’
‘Ah….and she didn’t.’
‘No…but then she said I’d hurt her, so she’s probably completely pissed off with me.’
‘Most likely…but surely you’ll have to talk to her sometime soon?’ she pondered.
‘How so?’
‘Because of the gallery!’