by Anna Samuels
‘Oh yeah…if I can keep it going with the way things are right now! I haven’t even been back down since our argument. I didn’t want to risk running into her.’
‘I think you should get down there! Face her and have it out! Properly this time!’ she said emphatically.
‘Oh I don’t know, Laurie…it’s all such a mess right now. I’d be better off just letting things rest.’
‘Only if you want the result to be losing her. Ally, what’s going on with you? I mean, what’s at the route of all of this?’ she asked softly, reaching for my hand.
I looked down as tears threatened. ‘I’m just scared…’ I murmured.
‘Of what?’
‘My feelings I guess…’
‘Why is it scary to love someone?’ she asked kindly.
‘Because she may not love me back…I’ve loved and lost too much lately. I couldn’t take it again,’ I admitted.
‘Are you talking about Sarah?’ she asked.
I shrugged.
‘Or is it Mum?’ she said more softly.
‘Oh I don’t know…both probably.’
‘Ally…you can’t stop extenuating circumstances affect you forever! Yes we loved Mum to the moon and back but we have to accept that she’s gone. We’re far better off having had time to love her before she died than if we hadn’t. You also can’t fear the unknown all the time. What if she says yes, for goodness sake?’
‘I…it’d probably scare me even more!’
‘Because…’
‘Because she’s everything I could ever want in a partner.’
‘Which is the reason to go for it instead of letting your fears prevent the relationship’s progress…’
‘I just…I don’t know how to talk to her about it all,’ I admitted.
‘Well, what more can I say?’ she said, lifting her hands in exasperation. ‘I think you’re making a mistake though…I can’t hold back, not when I think she could change your life for the better. Think about talking to her again?’ she pleaded.
‘Maybe…’ I murmured.
‘Ally? Mummy? What are you talking about?’ Zachary asked.
‘Oh grown up stuff, honey…you carry on with your game.’
‘But I’m bored,’ he whined.
‘Sorry honey, but I’m waiting for the supermarket delivery…it’ll be here by lunchtime, then we can do something.’
‘But I’m so bored!’ he stated again.
‘I can take him out,’ I offered, looking over to Laurie.
‘Oh really?’ she said, brightening.
‘It would be a good distraction for me, I think.’
‘Well great then! Yes that would be a wonderful idea.’
I turned to smile at Zachary. ‘What would you like to do then Zachy? Have you got any good ideas?’
‘Yeah! I know exactly what I want to do with you!’ he said, standing up excitedly.
‘Oh yes? What’s that?’
‘I want to go and be a shop man in your gallery!’ he said grinning widely.
My stomach sank to my knees. ‘Oh, I wasn’t going to open the gallery today…’ I began.
‘Oh please!’ he whinged. ‘You did promise, and you did say we could do anything!’
I groaned inwardly and looked at Laurie helplessly.
She shrugged. ‘You promised him!’
‘You just want me to go down there!’ I accused.
‘Maybe,’ she conceded. ‘But the thing is, no matter what happens, you will need to get back down there soon as you have a business to run. You need to keep making money and that’s the only means you have to do that now. Put your business head on and get on back to work!’
I sighed heavily. She was right. ‘Well, I suppose we could go for a bit,’ I told Zachary.
I watched him fist pump the air and then rush off to find his shoes.
‘How long do you want me to take him for?’ I asked Laurie.
‘Well I’m just waiting for the shopping to be delivered and then I’d quite like to get out myself with Katie. Once it’s here, we’ll walk on down to see you then I can take him back with me.’
‘Sounds like a plan,’ I mused.
‘Good…’ she nodded, sounding satisfied.
I stood and sighed again before heading off to find my shoes and bag.
Ten minutes later, Zachary and I left, walking down the street towards the beach. He skipped merrily alongside me, holding my hand and chattering contently. When we reached Hope Beach, I felt my heartbeat accelerate at the prospect of seeing Alex. Nerves skipped through my system and I realised I was scared as well as being somewhat desperate to see her again.
We reached the gallery and I unlocked the door with unsteady fingers. Letting us inside, I put out the sign and turned on the lights and lifted the blinds.
‘There! We’re open!’ I announced.
‘Yay! What do I do?’ he asked curiously.
‘Okay…well if we have a customer, you talk to them and show them around. If they want to buy something, you can help me with the till. When I don’t have any customers, I paint,’ I said, showing him the current work in progress situated on the easel.
‘Oh wow! Can I do a painting?’ he asked.
‘Sure,’ I smiled.
After a few minutes of setting up a new, small canvas and some paints, Zachary was happy painting his picture. I sat down at the desk and gnawed my lip nervously. All I could think of was Alex. All I kept wondering was whether she would come to talk to me. I felt so distracted that I couldn’t focus on much at all so I idled time away watching Zachary paint.
‘What do you think?’ he asked sometime later.
I looked at his interesting creation. ‘It’s very creative, Zachy. You’re very artistic, just like me.’
‘When I’m a big man, I could have a gallery too!’ he exclaimed.
‘You could, yes! I can teach you more art too if you would like…’
‘Yeah!’ he said, grinning excitedly. ‘I’d love to!’
Just then, a couple walked into the gallery and I smiled and greeted them. ‘Say hello then Zachary.’
‘Hello…’ he murmured.
The couple responded kindly and then began browsing the shop. Zachary watched them in awe and then glanced at me as if to say, what should I do now?
I gave Zachary a thumbs up to reassure him and waited while they looked around. When they came to the counter with a couple of small postcard prints and some handmade jewellery, I welcomed the first chance to get Zachary the chance to be a ‘shop man’ properly.
I wrapped the items and got Zachary to put them into the bag. I asked him to take the money and also to give the change. By the end of the transaction, he was grinning wildly and looked very pleased with himself. As they left, I gave him a high five and a shoulder hug.
‘Well done you! You’re a great shop man!’ I grinned.
‘I am, aren’t I? Wait till Mummy sees me!’
‘Maybe she’ll want to buy your picture!’ I suggested.
‘Oh yeah! Can she?’ he asked eagerly.
‘Sure she can,’ I smiled and then felt it fade rapidly as I saw Alex out of the window, heading across to the shop. Zachary followed my line of sight and to my horror began bouncing up and down eagerly at the door yelling ‘Alex! Alex!’
She looked over with a scowl on her face. Our eyes met briefly and in those few seconds, I saw how angry she was with me. It was written all over her face. She quickly hid her feelings from Zachary who was eager for her attention.
She headed over and bent before him.
‘Hey Zachary, what are you doing here?’ she asked with a smile.
‘I’m being a shop man!’ he exclaimed. ‘Ally said I could, didn’t you Ally? I’ve been painting to! Do you want to see?’ he asked.
‘I, uh…maybe another time I’m afraid. I’m working right now and we’re quite busy at the café.’
‘Are you? I like being a shop man at the café too,’ he declared happily.
‘You stay with…your Auntie today because it’s a little busy today to be playing shop man. Maybe another time though,’ she said kindly.
‘Okay,’ he murmured. ‘Alex?’
‘Yes?’
‘When are you coming over again?’ he asked.
She paused, still looking at Zachary and not once looking at me. ‘I don’t know I’m afraid. The café’s pretty busy this time of year.’
‘Maybe you’ll come over with Ally sometime? You could babysit me with Auntie Ally.’
‘I don’t think so,’ she murmured quietly.
‘Why?’ he asked frowning. ‘I thought you were going to be Ally’s girlfriend! I heard Mummy talking!’
‘Zachary!’ I admonished from behind. ‘Stop it!’
‘I don’t think so,’ Alex said coldly, glancing at me with bitter eyes. ‘Sorry, Zachary, I have to go now.’ Alex stood and waved goodbye to Zachary before leaving without a single glance in my direction. I felt stupidly like crying.
‘That was weird,’ Zachary said after a long moment.
‘What?’ I asked quietly.
‘Alex was being a bit weird.’
‘I, uh…yeah…well, you know we were friends,’ I began.
‘Yes?’
‘Well, we kind of had a fall out…’
‘Oh like an argument? Don’t you love her anymore?’ he asked with a frown.
I gaped at him, astonished. ‘What makes you say that?’ I asked.
‘Well, when you were with her at Christmas you were all happy, like super happy. Your eyes were all sparkly and you smiled a lot…that’s what Mummy is like with Daddy ‘cos she loves him. I just thought you loved her…’
‘Oh…’
‘So it’s sad that you’ve had a fall out, ‘cos you don’t want to have a fall out with people who you’re meant to love.’
I nodded slowly. ‘You’re right.’
‘Maybe you could make up?’ he suggested.
I nodded again. ‘Maybe.’
‘I don’t like it when grown-ups have arguments. It’s rubbish.’
‘I agree, Zachary. I’ll try and make it up with her.’
‘Good…oh look! It’s Mummy and Katie!’ he exclaimed happily.
I smiled, grateful for the distraction from our conversation.
Chapter 33
Life alone
‘Hey shop man!’ Laurie smiled. ‘Have you been having fun?’
‘Yeah! It’s been amazing, hasn’t it Ally?’ he grinned.
‘It’s been great,’ I agreed.
‘I sold art Mummy, and I did the till and the bag…and I painted a picture for you to buy and I talked to Alex.’
Laurie’s eyebrows rose just a touch. ‘Oh really?’ she said questioningly, looking to me.
‘Yes…take a look at the painting! He wants to sell it to you,’ I smiled.
‘Ooh!’ she said, going to the canvas. ‘This is wonderful work! How much to buy this priceless piece of art?’ she asked him.
‘Um…£1?’ he said unsurely.
I nodded at him, ‘Sounds like a good price to me!’
‘And me,’ Laurie said, digging into her purse. ‘Here you go shop man! £1 for the most beautiful painting I have ever seen!’
‘Thanks Mummy! I’ll just go and put it in the till and get your…what is it called, Ally?’ he asked frowning.
‘Receipt,’ I informed him.
‘Ah yes…and would you like a bag?’ he asked.
‘Yes please!’ she answered.
‘So you saw Alex?’ she asked me, as Zachary sorted out the sale.
‘Sort of…she was walking past and Zachy called her…it was awkward to say the least!’ I said cringing inwardly again.
‘Really? How come?’ she asked.
‘Because she wouldn’t as much as look in my direction. She hates me now; it’s clearly well and truly over.’
‘It won’t be if you fight for her to come back.’
‘I don’t think I can do that…’
‘Yes you can…if you choose too…’ she said seriously.
‘I don’t know Laurie. I just feel so confused about everything!’
‘Well take some time to think then…maybe you need some time alone to reconsider everything.’
‘Maybe,’ I conceded.
‘Why not just spend a couple of days thinking everything through…see what you come up with? It’s New Year in two more days…maybe a fresh year will bring positive changes!’
I nodded, ‘I hope so.’
Laurie smiled at me kindly as people stepped into the gallery. ‘We’ll let you get on now…we need to go and get some lunch anyway.’
My smile faded. ‘Are you going to the café?’ I asked, feeling concerned all of a sudden.
‘Yes. Why?’
‘What if you see Alex?’
She shrugged, ‘So what if we do?’
‘Will you talk to her?’
‘Of course!’ she said, frowning.
‘Don’t talk to her about me,’ I said under my breath, conscious of the customers browsing.
Laurie narrowed her eyes. ‘Ally, we’re going for lunch. If I see Alex I will talk and chat like the casual friends we are. I doubt from everything you have told me that she will want to talk about you…’
I thought about that for a moment, ‘That’s true…’
‘Right, well we’re off. Give me a call if you need anything?’ she said giving me a quick hug.
‘Yeah, I will…thanks Laurie.’
‘No problem. Say thank you, Zac!’
‘Thanks Ally! I loved being a shop man!’ he told me, grinning widely.
‘Good! It was lovely having you here! You can come back any time!’
‘Can I?’ he asked, wide eyed.
‘Of course! So long as Mummy says yes,’ I smiled.
‘Oh she will…she likes me,’ he told me solemnly.
I laughed. ‘Yes she does! Bye then Zachy!’
‘Bye! I’m going to go and see Alex now!’ he called as he left the shop.
Laurie waved and gave me a look to say ‘sorry.’ I turned and headed for my desk, cringing inwardly at the thought of Laurie and the children chatting to Alex about me.
The women browsing took their time and eventually meandered over to the counter to purchase the jewellery they had selected as gifts. I wrapped all the items and accepted the card payment offered. When they had gone, I sat down to paint but found myself distracted. I swapped the canvas for a blank one and reached for my charcoal. I sat sketching, without any conscious decision over what I was drawing. The picture unfolded bit by bit and I worked quickly, my hand flying over the space swiftly.
I added lines and details until the subject was clear. Alex stared back at me, her eyes hauntingly captivating. I looked at what I had created and wondered what to do about my predicament. I was in love with a woman and I didn’t know if she could or would love me back. I was also too scared to find out. I sighed heavily and lifted my hand to the canvas once more. As I did so, the jingle of the door opening made me lift my attention to my new customer. I gasped in surprise as I saw no customer there at all but Alex herself. I met her eyes and noticed fresh fury, glimmering in her gaze. I felt my heartbeat pick up pace and swallowed involuntarily.
‘Alex?’
‘Sending you family to do your dirty work now, are you?’ she demanded.
I frowned at her confused. ‘What?’
‘If you want to tell me something, have the courage to do it yourself! Don’t send your sister!’ she exploded.
‘I…what?’
‘Your sister!’ she almost yelled.
‘Laurie spoke with you? About what?’ I asked.
She laughed, humourlessly. ‘Oh, you’d love that, wouldn’t you? Nah…if you want to talk to me again, you’re going to have to make the effort to come to me this time. I’m done playing games, Ally. You tell me one thing and your sister tells me another. What am I supposed to believe? What’s the truth? If you have
any answers for me, or something you want to tell me, you’re going to have to come to me this time. I’m not messing around anymore and won’t be dictated to by your sister!’ she told me emphatically.
‘What did she say to you?’ I asked again.
‘No…I’m not making it that easy for you!’
‘But…but…’
‘Do you have something you want to say to me, Ally?’ she asked, putting her hands on her hips and staring at me intensely.
‘I…I don’t know…’ I said slowly.
Alex sighed heavily and looked disappointed. ‘Well there you go then…I’ll be leaving now…if you want to talk to me again, you’re going to have to come to me. I won’t be coming back again to you.’
My heart sank further in my chest.
‘I’m sick of all this…’ she muttered and turned.
I watched her as she turned and noticed the canvas drawing of her I had been creating.
‘Don’t draw me,’ she ordered.
‘I uh…’
‘You can’t go on like this, Ally…it’s too many mixed messages.’
I looked down, feeling tears threaten.
‘I guess I’ll see you around,’ she murmured quietly, her voice low and hurt.
I didn’t know what to say, so I decided to remain silent.
‘See ya…’ she muttered and left.
I watched as she slammed the door behind her and stalked away. Misery swept through me like a fast, sweeping current. I sat down on my chair behind the desk and buried my head in my hands. Staying there for a long time, I cried over the loss of Alex.
I spent the long, quiet afternoon painting. I worked on a sunset scene and also carried on with the portrait of Alex, regardless of her telling me not too. It helped me to relax and it helped me to think.
As I painted, I thought about the words Alex had said when she was ranting. She had told me I had to come to her, if I had something to say. I thought about Laurie and wondered just how much she had told Alex. Knowing Laurie well, I had to assume she had told her everything and that meant she knew how I felt. I felt my heart straining with tension as I struggled to know what to do. I didn’t know what reaction I would get if I went to Alex and declared my love for her so I did nothing. I sat and painted until it grew dark and then I drove home. The house was quiet and cold and I felt lonely and sad. I went to bed early, just to finish the day quicker and yet tossed and turned for hours. When dawn arrived, I still felt exhausted.