by Anna Samuels
The following day was similar in character. I went down to the beach for opening time at nine and then spent the rest of my time painting. I didn’t see Alex at all, despite knowing that she was in the building as her car was parked outside all day.
I sat at my desk at closing time and looked around at my wonderful gallery. My heart fluttered at the prospect of closing it, but it was on my mind as I kept thinking how hard it was going to be to be close to Alex on a day to day basis.
I began thinking about speaking to her about whether she wanted me to leave and move on. The thought made me miserable. I went home in the dark once more to a quiet, cold house which felt lonely without her in it.
After eating dinner and taking a bath, I lay in bed reading and tried to imagine going on as I was. It didn’t seem doable. I felt utterly miserable and like I was missing a part of myself. I resolved to think about what I could do to change things for the better.
The following day, I made my way to the beach earlier than usual and sat in my car waiting. I wanted to catch Alex before she made her way into the café, not to declare my love but to offer to leave.
I waited nervously, drumming my hand on the wheel and fiddling with anything I could find to distract myself. When I saw her car approaching the car park, my heart picked up it’s pace.
Alex parked and after stepping out of the car, began striding to the café with a determined walk.
‘Alex!’ I called as I clambered out of the car and ran after her.
She turned in surprise and stopped to look my way, frowning as she did so.
‘Alex! Wait!’
‘What do you want?’ she asked.
‘I wanted to talk to you,’ I told her breathlessly.
‘About what?’ she asked, crossing her hands over her chest.
‘About the future of the gallery.’
‘What are you talking about? It’s just opened!’
‘I know,’ I said more quietly, ‘but I was just thinking…well, maybe you’d prefer it if I didn’t work here anymore…if I closed down?’
She shook her head in disbelief, ‘No, Ally…I don’t think you should close down!’
‘You don’t?’’
‘No!’ she said, her voice rising. ‘Of course not! I wouldn’t have taken you on if I didn’t think it was a good business!’
‘Oh…but after our…fall out…’ I said, trailing off.
‘What? You can’t bear to be in the same place as me?’
‘No…I just…I thought you might prefer me to not be here,’ I said slowly.
‘You thought wrong,’ she told me.
‘I uh…I just feel sort of awkward now,’ I admitted.
‘None of this was my doing,’ she told me bitterly.
‘I’m sorry.’
Alex looked away.
‘Maybe uh…maybe we could be friends…’ I said very quietly, my voice trembling a little as I spoke.
‘No, Ally…we can’t be friends,’ she told me.
Disappointment filled me.
‘How can I be friends with you?’ she asked, stepping closer, into my personal space. ‘We can’t be friends after everything that’s happened! That’s not what I want from you!’
‘What do you want from me?’ I asked, afraid of the answer.
‘I want you!’ she exclaimed, and before I could react, she stepped closer and hauled me into her arms. My body fell flush against her as her mouth descended. I responded instinctively as her mouth found mine and she kissed me with desperate hunger. I responded in kind, angling my mouth against hers and letting my tongue mate with hers. Pure, white heat spread through me rapidly and I felt myself shaking with need.
Just as soon as it had started, it was over with Alex pushing me away and holding me at arms-length.
‘That’s what I want. If you change your mind, and you want me too…come and find me.’
And with those words, she turned and walked away. Too stunned to speak, I stood on the same spot for several minutes afterwards, trying to process what had just happened. The trouble was I was still confused! What did she mean? Did she mean she wanted me sexually? Or did she mean she wanted me, the person? I groaned aloud and turned on my heel. I sauntered up to the gallery feeling shaken and confused and found myself sitting and staring into space for a long time during the day. I didn’t know what to do, and I felt like there was nowhere to turn.
When closing time arrived, I locked up and drove off. Instead of heading home, I took a detour to seek support from Laurie.
When I arrived at Laurie’s house, Daniel said he would take the children up to bed so that I could talk to Laurie. We sat in the kitchen nursing hot chocolates while we chatted.
‘So, how are you?’ she asked.
I looked down, ‘Not great if I’m honest.’
‘What’s happened since I saw you last then?’
‘Well, the day you were down at the beach was interesting,’ I told her.
‘How so?’ she wondered.
‘Alex came by after you had left. She was angry.’
‘Why?’
‘She said if I had anything to tell her, I should do it myself…not get my sister to do it,’ I told her.
‘Oh…’
‘What did you tell her?’ I asked, leaning forwards.
‘Tell me the rest first.’
‘Okay…well we argued and she left. I didn’t see her for two days. Then today I saw her this morning. I offered to close the gallery and leave if that was what she wanted.’
‘What did she say?’ Laurie asked, clearly on the edge of her seat.
‘She said that was definitely not what she wanted.’
‘Then what does she want?’ Laurie asked.
‘That’s what I asked her! She kissed me!’
‘No way!’
‘But what does that mean? Does that mean she just wants me sexually or does she want me for me?’ I asked her.
‘What do you think?’ Laurie asked me, leaning her chin on her hands.
‘I don’t know…that’s why I’m asking!’
‘Yes you do…I think you do but you’re scared. Do you want me to tell you now about my conversation with Alex?’ she asked.
‘Yes please,’ I murmured.
‘Well…you’re right…she was angry with you. Mainly because she felt you’ve treated her unfairly.’
I looked down, ‘Yeah…’
‘But she was willing to overlook that…especially when I told her how you truly feel about her.’
My head shot up and our eyes met. ‘You didn’t?’
She nodded. ‘I did.’
‘You told her I love her?’ I asked, feeling my heart pounding in my throat.
‘I did…and you know what?’ she asked.
‘What?’ I said fearfully, feeling my chest ready to explode.
‘She told me she was without doubt, and most certainly, head over heels in love with you too.’
I gaped at her for a long moment and felt my emotions swell inside. It wasn’t until I felt my wet cheeks that I realised I was in fact crying.
‘She loves you, Ally…all you need to do is to be brave enough to tell her yourself.’
‘She really loves me?’ I asked in a whisper.
‘She really does.’
‘Why didn’t she just tell me?’ I asked.
‘Maybe because she realised you needed to come to terms with your feelings first. Maybe she’s as scared as you are.’
‘I’ve been such an idiot,’ I murmured, looking down at my hands and sniffing.
‘Yeah…something tells me she’ll forgive you,’ Laurie smiled.
I looked up and met her eyes. ‘She’s the one, Laurie. There’s no going back if I go for this.’
Laurie nodded with a fond smile, ‘That’s how it is…sometimes you just have to be brave and go for it. Something tells me you two are made for each other anyway.’
‘You think?’
She nodded, ‘Most definitely.’
&
nbsp; ‘What will I say to her?’ I questioned.
‘You’ll know when the time comes…I’m sure.’
I nodded. ‘Thanks Laurie. I don’t know what I would do without you.’
She smiled. ‘You’re welcome…now go get her!’
Chapter 34
I love you
I headed home and locked the door behind me. I wandered through the cold, dark house, thinking of Alex and all that had passed between us. I knew now what I was going to do and as my mind thought through all that I needed to tell her, I decided to wait until the next day, when my head was clear.
I went upstairs and took a bath before dressing in warm pyjamas. Instead of heading into my room, I slowly opened the door to my mother’s room and went in to sit on the bed. I felt her presence as I always did in her room. Silent tears slipped down my cheeks as I thought of her and all the wonderful support, love and guidance that I had lost when she had died. I had loved her unconditionally, even when we had argued and fought over trivial matters.
As I sat and thought about the subject of love, I realised that a lot of what was holding me back was the grief I felt over losing my Mum. I had never fallen in love before like I had with Alex and although that was wonderful, it was scary too. I thought of the well-known phrase, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.’ I mulled it over in my head and knew I couldn’t turn my back on Alex and not try to make a go of things. Even though it meant opening up my emotions unconditionally, I knew now I would do it.
‘I love you, Mum,’ I whispered in the quiet room. ‘I love her too, though. I know you would want me to be happy, so I’m going to try and make a go of it with her. I hope you like her, Mum…I think she’s pretty special…’
As I closed my eyes and imagined my mother with me, I could almost her arms encircling me and giving me her approval and love. I lay down on her bed, feeling her all around me. I fell asleep reassured that even though she was gone in one way, she remained with me in spirit and memory.
The following morning I awoke feeling refreshed and determined. It was New Year’s Eve and I resolved to declare my love for Alex before the year was over. I showered and dressed quickly and then went downstairs to eat breakfast. When I was done, I collected a few things I needed and headed out.
I drove down to the beach and noted that Alex’s car was already there. Without stopping at the café, I went straight to the gallery and opened up. I would wait and be patient until I could have her undivided attention.
Sitting down at my desk, I assembled my jewellery making supplies on the table and set to work. I was going to make Alex a little gesture, something to mark the day and to try and apologise for how idiotic I had been.
I worked away consistently for an hour before my first customer came in. I dealt with a quick sale and then went back to work. Half an hour later, I was surprised when a familiar face appeared at the door. Laura. Alex’s mother.
She walked in with a face like thunder and stopped before the desk. ‘What on earth is going on, Ally? You promised to look after my girl.’
I sighed heavily, ‘I’m sorry, Laura…’
‘No, no! None of that! I don’t want to hear it! What’s changed? When did your feelings alter?’ she demanded.
‘They haven’t!’ I told her.
She frowned at me, ‘What do you mean?’
‘My feelings…they haven’t changed,’ I told her.
‘You love my daughter?’ she asked directly.
‘Yes. Yes, I do.’
‘Then what on earth is going on then?’ she demanded angrily.
‘I’ve…well, I’ve been confused…a little troubled over our relationship.’
‘So you boot her out of your house? Just like Jenny did?’ she ranted.
I looked down feeling ashamed. ‘I made a mistake,’ I told her.
‘Yes…damn right you did.’
‘I plan to make it right,’ I told her.
‘You do?’
‘Yes…today in fact…later when I can get her alone,’ I told Laura.
‘What are you planning?’
‘I want to tell her how I feel at last…see if she’ll take me back and then…’ I trailed off.
‘And then?’
‘Well…build a future together,’ I told her.
‘That’s what you want?’ Laura asked.
I nodded. ‘I want everything, Laura. I want to be with Alex, live with her, marry her and have children with her. I want to grow old with her and laugh and smile and play with grandchildren. Everything…’
Laura looked at me, misty eyed, ‘Well then…you’ve just taken the wind of my sails…’
I smiled at her fondly. ‘I hope I have your approval.’
‘Of course you do, Ally…Alex has been miserable without you these past days.’
‘She has?’
Laura nodded. ‘You make her happy, Ally…sort out this mess and make a start with the rest of your life.’
I nodded in agreement. ‘I will…I promise.’
‘Come by on New Year’s Day for dinner…Alex had planned to come anyway but you’re welcome now.’
I smiled, ‘As long as she says yes, then I’ll be there with bells on!’ I chuckled.
‘Oh she’ll say yes, sweetie…she will definitely say yes.’
Laura then embraced me in a warm, close hug. I felt tears threaten at the wonderful, motherly way she accepted me back into her arms. It made me hopeful for my future.
As she released me, she took a moment to look around the gallery.
‘I must say, Ally, this place is looking absolutely wonderful!’
I smiled, ‘you think?’
‘Yes! Wonderful!’
‘If you’d like, I could do some portraits of all your family for you at some point?’
‘That would be simply wonderful!’ she exclaimed.
‘I’ve painted Alex already,’ I told her.
‘You have?’
‘Oh yes…she’s absolutely beautiful,’ I smiled.
‘That she is…she gets it all from me!’ she joked, throwing her head back and laughing.
Although she was joking, she wasn’t far from the truth. There were differences between them, Laura was smaller and had a different frame but facially Alex had definitely got a lot of her good looks from her mother.
‘She definitely does…here it is, on the easel,’ I told her.
Alex’s mother looked at the paining and gasped. ‘Wow! That is incredible! I love it! Has Alex seen it?’ she asked.
‘No…she took one glance when it was just a sketch and told me to stop drawing her.’
‘Which you clearly ignored?’
I nodded, ‘How could I not paint her? She’s captivating.’
Laura eyed me closely, scrutinising my expression. ‘Yes she is…well, you have my blessing, Ally. I look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow.’
‘If she says yes,’ I added.
Laura nodded and dismissed me with a wave of her hand. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
I smiled and waved, ‘Bye Laura.’
‘Bye!’
I watched her go and felt even surer that the right time had come. Everyone was backing us to be together and seemed to think we would work well together. Nerves skipped through my system as I anticipated evening arriving.
I watched from the gallery window as one by one the staff all left the café. I had turned off my gallery lights and when Alex’s car was the only one left outside, I locked the door and waited on the doorstep. In time she would come out, and I would be ready to greet her.
I stood in the black of the night, listening to the wave’s crash onto the shore. I reflected for a moment, making myself remember just how far I had come in the last few months. Not only had I left my profession and made a go of a successful new business but I had also met and fallen in love with the woman of my dreams. I was living back at home and I was happier than I had been in a long, long time. Things were coming
together for me now; the only missing part of the picture was Alex.
I waited nervously for a few more minutes. My stomach felt tight and tense and butterflies skipped through my stomach rapidly. My heart pounded anxiously and I kept praying for Alex to forgive me and say yes.
I didn’t have to wait long before I heard footsteps coming from the path behind the back of the café. Soon after, she stepped out into the clearing and headed towards her car.
‘Alex!’ I called, stepping off the doorstep to follow her.
‘You scared the life out of me!’ she gasped. ‘What do you want?’ she demanded.
‘Can I talk to you?’ I asked, hurrying after her.
‘No,’ she replied flatly.
I kept following. ‘Please.’
‘Haven’t we said everything that needs saying?’ she asked, still turned away from me.
‘No. Not by a long shot. Please, just stop and hear me out?’ I begged.
She finally stopped by her car and turned to face me. Her expression was stony, her face angry.
‘Will you hear me out?’
She met my eyes in the dim moonlight. ‘Why should I? You chuck me out and finish it over nothing! I don’t understand it, Ally! You hurt me! Why would you do that?’ she asked angrily.
‘Because I’m an idiot…because I’ve made mistakes.’
‘You’re admitting it was a mistake?’ she asked.
I nodded, ‘It was…it was my mistake and one I regret bitterly.’
‘Then why did you do it then?’
‘Because I thought our relationship was just about sex…I thought you just wanted me in a casual sense.’
‘Why would you think that?’ she asked, frowning.
‘Because you said don’t analyse it and stop thinking…I thought you were telling me we were just friends with benefits.’
‘Okay…so why didn’t you just clarify it the first time it came into your head?’
‘Because I’m an idiot,’ I told her, meeting her eyes which looked dark in the moonlight.
‘You are an idiot,’ she replied sulkily. ‘You hurt me,’ she added, more quietly.
‘I’m sorry, Alex. I’m really sorry…will you forgive me?’ I asked shakily.