by Linnea Valle
Going home with Zach would occur two, maybe three times a week. On the weekends, after playing, we’d stay for dinner at least one night as well. We even had frequent sleepovers. Looking back, I wonder if those were for the three of us, or if they had been prearranged by our mom so she could go out on the town.
As we got older and until we got to middle school Eddie and I were almost completely on our own and we spent more time with Zach and the Peters’. Mom was either not at home or couldn’t be bothered with us. Zach was an only child and I think his parents were happy to share their home with us. I loved spending time at Zach’s, he was cute.
We were in the eighth grade, when mom met Charlie and they got married. It didn’t change the amount of time Eddie, Zach, and I spent together. Charlie did his best to be a good influence in our lives. I think he saw how little involved mom was and tried to make up for her lack of attention. We liked him and he made things easier at home, mom seemed happier and was home with Charlie instead of out on the town or working a second job. But, Charlie never felt like a real dad to us. Maybe because we were already teenagers and by the time he entered the picture it had been Mr. Peters who took us fishing at the lake and drove us to the bowling alley or movie theater or who would sit and play board games with us.
In high school, Eddie and I both worked at Holton’s, the local burger joint where everyone hung out. A typical burger, fries, and milkshake shop with oversized red and white booths. The tables were edged in a shiny aluminum and there was an actual jukebox in the corner that Mr. Holton refused to update the songs on.
As I worked one day when Eddie was off, a whole group of kids showed up all at once. They were all buzzing about the fact that Zach’s dad gave him an older car to get around in. Eddie was the first to come in the door.
“Emma, Emma,” Eddie yelled to me where I was working the fryer. “You gotta come see this. Zach’s got a car, no more bumming rides with the folks.” Eddie’s excitement lit his eyes and they were a light aqua. His face was flushed and he was grinning so wide, I thought his lips might split. I peeked around the corner to see if I could get a look at the car and I felt a familiar pang of jealousy when I saw a whole throng of girls crowded around Zach who was leaning up against the driver’s door of an old red Toyota. He didn’t even look up, just kept smiling at all the girls swarming him.
Being the center of attention was nothing new for Zach, especially when it came to girls. I wanted him to smile at me the way he smiled at all the others. But, instead, I’d get head noogies or an arm casually thrown over my shoulder, Eddie on my other side, his arm mimicking Zach’s. Zach only ever saw me as Eddie’s little sister, the friend who was always just hanging around.
When the weather was warm enough, we’d spend a lot of time at the lake. It was a local hangout for nearly the whole town. Zach and Eddie frequently put their heads together, scheming. When we were young, that usually meant I ended up with a crawdad wiggled in my face, or a roly-poly bug dropped down my shirt. As we got older, they got the biggest kick from throwing me off the dock and into the lake. Usually, after they threw me in, they’d both jump in as well. We’d swim and splash around for hours. After hanging out at the lake all day, we’d have a sleepover and when we got a little older we’d go to a party, a bonfire or go hang out at Holton’s.
One time, we were about sixteen, Zach caught me completely off guard when he scooped me up from the towel I was sunbathing on, ran down the dock and tossed me in the water. It was still early in the season and the water was awfully cold, few people were braving the chilly lake. The shock of being thrown into the iciness had me floundering, I took in a deep gulp of the water and came up sputtering and couldn’t seem to make my arms or legs work right. I kept bobbing up and down in the water, unable to touch the bottom and every time I gasped for breath I seemed to choke on more water.
“Em, are you alright?” I heard Zach yell, a bit frantically. I couldn’t answer and just kept sputtering and going under. Zach stripped off his shirt and dove into the water just a couple of feet from me. He was just wrapping his arms around my waist, face to face, easily lifting me above the water when Eddie, jumped in too. Eddie still had on his shirt, socks, and shoes. He even lost his sunglasses as they drifted to the bottom of the lake. Both swam me back to the dock. Eddie let go first, climbed the ladder, then held out his hands to help me out. Zach’s hands never left my bare midsection.
“Em, shit, I’m so sorry,” Zach said as he looked deep into my eyes. His face was so close, and his breath fanned warmth on my cold face, for a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. Then, Eddie broke the spell. Damn him.
“Are you gonna kiss her or are you going to get her out of that freezing cold water, ya dick?” Eddie teased. Immediately, Zach’s hands loosened around my waist, withdrawing his face. He twirled me around and lifted me, almost all the way onto the dock, I only had to grab the ladder handles and take two steps before I was flopping, face up on the wood of the dock. Zach was out of the water in another second and heading back to where we had all our towels. Eddie’s face loomed over mine with a shit-eating grin which I wanted to slap away.
“You okay?” he asked, then looked down at his own soaked clothes and soggy shoes. “I guess a swim wasn’t such a great idea, huh?” My breathing had recovered and Eddie and I both broke into fits of laughter. Zach came back with a towel and a scowl.
Zach was the most popular of the three of us, especially with the girls. Eddie and I were popular too. The town had only one high school and Eddie and I were well known and liked. I was usually the more serious of the three and the most responsible. I was the one who stayed sober at parties, or the one the guys called if they were at a party and needed a ride. I also took school more seriously and applied myself to get good college scholarships.
Our senior year in high school had me applying to colleges and filling out lots of scholarship applications and secretly wishing Zach would notice me as more than Eddie’s sister. My feelings had grown from a crush to so much more. I was in love with Zach.
Standing at the counter at Holton’s on a slow night with the smell of grease permeating the air, I watched Eddie dig in his pocket for some quarters and plug them in the jukebox. Eddie always picked the same record. Van Morrison, one side played Crazy Love, then the flip side would play Brown Eyed Girl. “Eddie, why don’t you and Zach apply for some scholarships and come to college with me?” It was a familiar conversation between us. “I’m sure you would both be able to get in. I don’t want to go off alone. Besides, what are you going to do after we graduate?”
“Emma, you know school isn’t important to Zach or me. We’ve been talking, and we’re going to join the military.”
I heard the whine in my voice when I’d tell him, “But, Eddie… if you’d only apply.”
He’d tweak my nose or give my hair a yank and one of his “not gonna happen, sis” grins. I’d bat his hand away while rolling my eyes at him and the conversation would be over, at least until the next time I’d bring it up.
Early in our senior year, the three of us went to a party. Someone seemed to have one every weekend. There wasn’t a lot else to do if you were sick of bowling or had seen all the movies at the theater. As usual Eddie and Zach were drinking and I was the designated driver. I usually was since I hated the taste of beer.
I flopped down on the couch and looked around. Most people were drinking cheap beer, but I saw there were some bottles of hard liquor in the kitchen when I’d done my original walk-through about an hour before. I grabbed a Coke on my way through and sat alone sipping it. I usually had a couple of friends to hang out with, but one girl was grounded, another was out of town, and the other was at the movies with her new boyfriend.
I watched groups of people milling around, some drunker than others. The music was too loud and the kids were even louder. I hoped we wouldn’t be staying too long. We borrowed mom’s car tonight since Zach’s tank was empty. I’d rather get the car home fairly early.
I smelled him before I could see him.
“Hey little sister,” Jason slurred, the stench of his breath overwhelming my air space. He leaned over the back of the couch, wobbling a bit. “Where are your bodyguards tonight? I don’t see your brother or that gorilla, Zach, watching over you like they usually do?” Jason moved around the edge of the couch, pushed past my legs and slumped down next to me. A few of the girls at the party mingled nearby, trying to catch Jason’s eye.
“Oh, Hi Jace, they’re around here somewhere, they’ll find me when they’re ready to leave.” Jason smelled like a bottle of whiskey was poured all over him, but I suspected the more likely scenario was he’d poured it down his gullet. If he didn’t puke or pass out on me, I didn’t care if he was intoxicated. Jason had been trying for years to get me to go out with him. He was the quarterback on our football team this year and very popular, but I always held out for Zach.
I scanned the room, to see if I could spot either of the guys when I caught sight of Zach. He pressed himself up against a girl who was leaning on a wall near the corner of the room and he had his hand up her shirt, clearly fondling her ample breast.
It was the first time I had witnessed Zach with another girl. I’d heard stories and talk, but I’d never actually seen him out on a date or with another girl, even at school. He was always with a group of people, me included. The sight made me physically ill. He was mine, didn’t everyone know that? Well, of course they didn’t, because I never let on I had a thing for Zach. I always kept quiet and kept my feelings to myself where Zach was concerned, other than talking to Eddie, of course.
It was then I realized Zach didn’t feel the same way I did. I got mad at myself for holding out for Zach, for always pretending one day he’d wake up and see what had been right in front of his face all along. I wanted to live a little, experience what all the girls talked about and Jason was the perfect mark. He was tall, good looking and well-muscled. All the girls wanted a piece of him (and if rumors were true, many already had), so why not me?
I summoned up all my courage, flipped my long, red mane of curls back and leaned forward toward Jason. “So, Jace, who are you here with tonight?” I batted my eyelashes and licked my lips in what I’d hoped was a sexy and appealing move.
“Well now, Emma, I came with Tammy, but if you’re offering, I can easily ditch her.” Jason inched closer. I thought I was getting used to the smell of the alcohol which seemed to be oozing out of every pore in his body. It was repulsive, but another quick glance at Zach, who now was kissing and nuzzling the neck of the girl he was still feeling up and my mind was made up.
Straightening my spine, I steeled my resolve. In an oh-so-sweet and innocent voice, I tried my best to keep Jason’s interest. “Well, Jace, if you want to hang out with me instead of Tammy, I guess it would be okay. I’m sure we could find something fun to do.” I leaned a little closer, touching his arm. I shimmied my shoulders a little and giggled just for the effect. I wasn’t feeling it, but then again, Zach was feeling enough for both of us right now, and it made my blood boil, making me feel reckless.
Jason, in his inebriated state, had no clue I was faking it. He took the bait, hook, line, and sinker. He maneuvered his body so he was sitting close to the edge of the sofa with his body turned toward me and I could tell he was moving in to kiss me. This was it, I thought. My first kiss would be by a drunken, horny, high school football player. All because I was pissed off at Zach.
The thought made me even more furious at Zach, because it was supposed to be his kiss. Trying not to overthink it, I grabbed Jason by the shirt and pulled him toward me. I closed my eyes to try and at least pretend it was Zach, but I wasn’t fooling myself. I felt Jason getting closer, his body heat as well as the smell of booze told me I was a split second away.
I should be happy. I was almost nineteen and had never been kissed. One of the most popular guys in school wanted to kiss me. But, inside, I was brokenhearted, I’d saved myself all this time for nothing. I didn’t mean anything more to Zach other than being Eddie’s sister.
As soon as Jason’s warm lips touched mine, bile rose in my throat. I forced it back down. I was going to make this good, goddammit! Determined, I gave in to it. I pressed my lips a little firmer and opened my mouth, allowing Jason’s tongue to shove its way inside. The strong taste and smell of whatever he’d been drinking made me nauseous, but I continued, kissing him back.
Jason’s hands slipped into my hair, pulling my head closer while he pushed his chest forward for more body contact, forcing mine into the sofa. When he connected, I felt a groan rumble through his chest and one of his hands left my head and started to slide down my shoulder and farther toward my breast. All this occurred as our tongues fought against each other inside our mouths. It all felt slimy and raunchy. I could tell the minute the kiss went from an innocent drunken foray into the unknown, to the lustful kind which good girls like me avoided.
I tried to pull away, but Jason was much stronger than me. In his drunken state, he seemed not to pick up on the fact I was trying to get him to stop. Or maybe he didn’t care. In either case, his hand made it to my breast and he pinched my nipple, hard. I was ready for this to end and I started struggling in earnest. The muffled sounds of me trying to get away were drowned out by the party going on around us.
Jason grabbed me by both shoulders and twisted my body, pushed my back down to the couch and covered my body with his own, never breaking the nightmare of a kiss. I began flailing my arms and legs. I tried to gain some leverage to push Jason off me when out of nowhere, Zach’s face appeared and Jason was hauled off me.
I’d never seen such fury on Zach’s face as I witnessed in that moment. He shoved Jason to the floor, straddled his hips and began punching, alternating his fists, connecting with his jaw on each swing.
“How dare you, you mother fucker! Don’t you ever touch Emma again. Do you hear me?” Zach punctuated his question with one final blow to Jason’s face and then he stood up, glowering at me.
Zach grabbed me by the arm and easily hauled me up and off the couch.
“You,” he glared. “You’re coming with me.” There was still venom in his voice as he pulled me along, out of the house and toward the car parked on the street, my legs scrambled to keep up. The faint smell of cheap perfume wafting my way. As glad as I was that he saved me from Jason, it reminded me why I was with Jason in the first place.
“What the fuck, Emma? What happened back there?” Zach yelled at me.
It was the first time I’d ever heard Zach yell. He was always so mellow. Shocked into silence, I didn’t respond. Zach shook me slightly, as a small crowd started to gather.
“Emma! What the fuck were you doing?” He demanded.
His shouting pulled me out of the haze and confusion I’d been in. How dare he take that tone with me after what I’d seen him doing.
“Fuck. You. Zach.” I pulled away from him before he could see the tears forming in my eyes. I turned my back, but continued my rant. I didn’t want him to see the tears as they started to puddle in my eyes.
“You had no business treating Jason or me like that!” I yelled at him, the tears stinging my cheeks, hot and angry. I kept my back to him, digging in my pocket for keys. I refused to let him see me cry. “Go back inside to the girl I saw you feeling up and leave me the hell alone.” I started to walk around the front of the car when I quickly glanced over my shoulder and spotted Eddie in the crowd watching the spectacle.
“Eddie, if you want a ride home you’d better get in the car now, because I’m leaving. Zach, I’m sure you can find any number of bitches to give you a ride,” I said loud enough for him to hear and using air quotes around the word ride. Luckily, only a few tears escaped before I got myself under control. My face and chest burned and I knew I must have looked like a beet. Zach stood there, glaring at me over the hood of the car.
Eddie made his way quickly to the car and got in the passenger seat.
“Hey,
man. I’ll check in with you tomorrow. I need to take care of Emma right now,” Eddie told Zach. Eddie rarely took sides, always the peacemaker. He slid in and closed his door, I slammed mine shut. Immediately starting the engine, my anger still fueling me, I took off down the street. Eddie fumbled with his seatbelt while staring me down, I could see the questions on his face.
I looked in my rearview mirror once and saw Zach standing in the road where the car had been. He watched us drive off, still with a pissed off look on his face. Eddie turned to me and started to talk, but I looked over at him with a death stare. He wisely shut his mouth, but when we were about half way home he started again.
“You’re not going to get out of talking about this, you know that, right?” Eddie quirked an eyebrow at me. “When we get home, got it?” He continued staring at me until I conceded and nodded my head, keeping my eyes on the road.
We got in the door after the party. The house was dark except for the porch light and one living room light that mom or Charlie always left on for us when they went to bed. The house was quiet, so I knew they were asleep. Eddie and I stayed up to talk about what happened.
“Let me get this straight. You got it in your head to make out with Jason when he was drunk off his ass, then Zach started beating him up and finally you told Zach off. What am I missing here? This isn’t like either you or Zach.” The quizzical look on Eddie’s face would have been comical if his words hadn’t smacked me right in the face.
“Do we have to do this tonight, Eddie?” Suddenly, the only thing I wanted was a shower, to brush my teeth, and get to bed. I felt dirty and stinky. I felt some shame at my actions tonight, but mostly I was weary. Tired of wanting something I couldn’t have.
“Yes, Emma, we do. Come on, talk to me. Why did this happen?” Eddie pulled me over to the couch and we sat with his arm around my shoulder.
“Okay, so Jason was coming on to me and when I looked around for you or Zach to help me out, I saw Zach. He was with some girl I didn’t recognize. He was getting to second base easily with the little bitch. That’s when I decided there was no point in wasting my whole life waiting around for him when he’s not interested in me. Jason was there and he was interested, so I let him kiss me. It got out of hand and the next thing I knew Zach was beating the shit out of Jason. Then he drug me out of the party yelling at me.” I was getting worked up again. “He had no right to yell at me, Eddie” Tears starting to form again. I sniffed and swiped at my eyes with the pads of my fingers. Eddie pulled me in closer.