by Linnea Valle
“Emma, you can’t let Zach’s antics get to you. I’m sure that girl doesn’t mean anything to him. I don’t blame Zach for kicking Jason’s ass. I would have done the same thing if I’d caught the son of a bitch mauling you. Are you okay, did Jason hurt you?” Eddie’s voice took on a bit of steeliness with that question. I nodded and Eddie leaned down and gave the top of my head a kiss.
“You need to give Zach time. He’s not ready to admit his feelings for you yet.” Eddie smoothed my hair away from my face and tucked it back over my shoulder.
“Well, it doesn’t do me any good, does it Eddie? How long am I supposed to wait for him to feel something for me?” I was frustrated, upset with myself for stooping to using Jason, but not knowing what else to do.
“You wait until he’s ready,” Eddie told me with conviction. “It’ll happen, be patient. I love you, Emma. You gotta trust me on this. You two are meant to be together, I just know it. Now, let’s go get some sleep before I hunt down Jason tomorrow and finish what Zach started. And you need to promise me that you’ll stay away from drunks.” Eddie ruffled my hair as he stood and held out a hand for me. Easily helping me to my feet.
That night marked the beginning or maybe the end, I could never tell. Zach and I were either at each other’s throats, in an uneasy truce or downright ignoring each other for most of our senior year.
I apologized to Jason when he wasn’t drunk, and he honestly didn’t remember much. Good for me, because after the party, I made my mind up, there was no reason for me to continue holding onto a pipe dream. I started to see Jason on occasion. After a date with Jason was usually when Zach and I would barely be able to stand being in the same room together. The three of us still hung out together, but it felt awkward most of the time.
I knew the reason I allowed Jason liberties at the party, my jealousy took over. The problem was, I couldn’t figure out why Zach acted like he had. He’d always been like a second brother to me, so I figured he was acting brotherly and protecting me. Except, he was so mad at Jason, and also at me. I didn’t understand why.
When Eddie heard what happened, he was furious too, but not at me. Eddie knew how I felt about Zach, so I think he was cutting me some slack on my poor choices.
While I did my hair and make up for graduation, Eddie popped into my room wearing a white dress shirt and a pair of dark blue Dockers. His wavy hair styled as best it could be.
“Which of those dresses are you going to wear?” Eddie asked inclining his head toward my bed where I had two dresses laid out.
“I can’t decide. I’m getting kind of nervous about tonight. I’ve never done any public speaking,” I told him as he eyed both dresses and shoes I had laid out.
“Emma, when was the last time I told you how fucking proud I am of you?” Eddie asked as he looked at me through the reflection in my mirror.
I put down the bottle of curl activator which I had been about to spray into my hair. It was humid and my hair was already starting to frizz.
“Um, I don’t know.” I pretended to think real hard. “Maybe you ought to tell me again to remind me,” I teased him as his eyes danced and his smile grew.
“Okay, well, first, there’s the getting into the college you wanted. That’s kind of a big thing.” He tapped a finger playfully to his lip, while pursing them and squinting his eyes as though he was having trouble remembering something. “Second, all those scholarships and the work-study job that’s going to allow you to go to said college without having to take out any student loans.”
I shrugged, although I was rather proud of the fact that I wasn’t going to be a burden on mom and Charlie and that I wouldn’t graduate with a huge debt.
“Let’s see, third, you’re the Salutatorian and will be giving a little speech tonight. Oh wait. Shit, I’m glad that’s you and not me.” He lightheartedly tugged on a few of my curls. But, I saw the pride shining in his eyes.
“Golly, thanks Eddie.” I blinked wide-eyed at him. Then with a more thoughtful tone I add, “Seriously, thanks. What about you? You passed all your initial testing and will be heading out for boot camp in just a couple of months. That’s a big achievement,” I said with sincerity, but I also looked down to my dresser which held the few items of makeup that I used and my hair products and accessories. I was avoiding his eyes. I didn’t want him to leave. I still wanted both him and Zach to come with me. So, even though I was proud of him, I was also secretly hating it. I loved that he was serving our country, but I needed him more. Eddie came over and lifted my chin, turning my face to his.
“Don’t you go getting all sentimental on me yet. We still need to get through graduation and then we have the whole summer. Everything will be fine. It’ll all work out for the best, you’ll see.” Eddie let go of my chin and dropped a quick kiss onto my forehead. “Now finish getting ready so you don’t make us late. Oh, and wear the white strappy dress with your gladiator shoes. And go raid mom’s lipstick collection, go big or go home, sis.” With a ruffle of my hair and smirk on his lips, he headed out of the room laughing as I tried to smack him with the large toothed comb I had just grabbed. I heard his laughter fade down the hallway as I got back to my hair.
Shortly after graduation, Zach called and asked if I wanted to grab a burger at Holton’s and then watch a new movie release with him.
“Hey Em.” Zach’s call in the afternoon on Friday was unexpected. “I know Eddie is going out bowling with Jessica tonight. I really wanted to go see that new X-Men movie. You wanna go with me? We could grab a burger beforehand.”
“Hi Zach, um, I thought you had plans with Steph tonight. Eddie said you guys were going out together.” I was confused.
“Yeah, she’s not feeling good, we’ll hang out after she feels better. I thought you’d like to get out of the house tonight.” I was exhilarated at the prospect of Zach asking me out, until this revelation. He didn’t want to go on a date with me, he just didn’t want to go to the movies alone.
“Sure, I’ll go,” I said a little less enthusiastically, but Zach didn’t catch on, or at least he pretended not to. I wanted him to ask me out on a real date, not just be a fill in when his plans fell through. But, I’d rather hang out with Zach than sit at home watching TV with mom and Charlie on a Friday night, which was what I’d planned.
“Cool, I’ll swing by about seven, that will give us time to eat before the movie. See ya in a couple hours, Em.” Then the line went dead.
True to his word, Zach showed up at seven and I was sitting outside waiting for him. He pulled up to the curb and I walked over and got in the car, pulling the door shut after me. We chatted about little things at Holton’s while we ate. Eddie, boot camp, the local gossip. We went and watched the movie in silence which was only broken a couple of times on the drive home.
“God, that was better than I expected. I loved the fact that they had to keep the future from happening,” he enthused.
“Oh, yeah, kind of like the Terminator movies,” I said. “I think those were better.”
“Well, obviously, I mean Arnold and all. I really appreciate you going with me tonight Em. I had fun, we should hang out without Eddie more often,” Zach said it with the absolute least amount of innuendo imaginable.
We got to the house and Zach just idled at the curb, waiting for me to get out of the car.
“I see Eddie isn’t home yet, so no sense in me coming in.” Zach looked a bit perturbed that Eddie wasn’t home yet and he’d have to go home. I was pretty sure he was comparing our night together to what it would have been like if Stephanie hadn’t gotten sick. That thought depressed me. No matter how long we’ve known each other or the fact that we both laugh at the same things or can practically finish each other’s sentences. I’d never be able to compete with his real dates.
“Night Zach, I’ll see ya later,” I said, hoping maybe he’d ask about making future plans with me, yet knowing he wouldn’t.
“I’ll be back,” Zach teased in an awful impression of the T
erminator. And I went in the house as he drove off.
This continued throughout the summer. In other words, if he didn’t have anyone else lined up, then he might give me a call. We went out without Eddie on occasion. Maybe to lunch or to the movies or we hung out at the lake. We never did more than what friends would normally do. I’m sure Zach never thought of me as his girlfriend. We never even kissed. I swore over and over I wasn’t going to let him use me solely for a convenient date. But, I never once turned him down. I felt helpless when it came to Zach, he brought me to my knees every time.
I stopped dating altogether. For me, the “relationship” was exclusive. If only it was the same for him. It hurt to know I was his last resort. Yet, I was desperate for his attention, so I’d put up with the humiliation. I never gave up hope; maybe one day he would have an epiphany and would realize how much I meant to him.
One afternoon, about halfway through the summer, Eddie had just finished mowing and he came in all sweaty. I had just hung up with Zach, who was pulling the friend/date card on me, again. Eddie hopped up onto the counter right next to where I stood as he chugged a huge glass of water.
“Why the long face, Em?
“Eddie, I don’t know what to do. I care so much for Zach, you know that. But, I feel used and I know I’m stronger than this. I have no power to say no when he asks me for something. I don’t understand it,” I complained. “Zach wants me to go with him to hang out at a party somebody is having at the lake tonight. Only thing is, I know he was asking around, looking for someone else to go with him, but everyone either already had a date or other plans. In other words, I was his last option. I’m always his last option,” I whined.
“Emma, I’ve talked to Zach a lot. You know he doesn’t handle his feelings well. He’s told me he cares for you and he’s sad we’re going in different directions. But, then he makes a joke and tries to change the subject. If you like spending time with him, then go, have a good time while we’re all still here,” Eddie tried to reassure me, but that just made me feel worse.
The summer went by too fast. Before I knew it, I was packing up my stuff to move and Eddie and Zach were jumping through the final hoops necessary to leave for basic training. They were set to leave only two weeks after I left for college.
On my last night in town, Eddie had a date with a girl he’d seen a couple of times and I got up enough nerve to ask Zach if he’d spend my last evening with me. I’d never initiated spending time together, but I had things I wanted to say to him before we went our separate ways.
We decided to grab some pizza and then a movie, standard date, but the only thing playing at our theater was a “chick flick.” Zach still agreed although we’d never done anything overtly romantic when we went out, so this was a first.
When he pulled up to the house, he was a little early, so he came up to the door and was chatting with Charlie while mom fixed dinner for the two of them and I finished getting ready. I thought Zach could tell this was special. He wore a nice polo-type shirt and a newer pair of jeans than usual and his whole demeanor was different than most of our “dates.”
It was a warm summer night, so I decided on a pair of jean shorts and a sleeveless white blouse. I tanned easily, which accentuated my freckles. Eddie and I both tanned easily, so neither of us had the pasty look usually associated with “gingers.” Since it was warm out, I had put my hair up in a huge clip to keep my long red curls off my neck. I rarely bothered with much make up, but tonight I put on a bit of powder, some blush, mascara, and a light layer of lip gloss.
As I entered the living room, I detected a hint of male appreciation as Zach looked me over, taking in my long, slender bare legs and my athletic body. Then, our eyes locked, and I swore an electrical jolt passed between us. Was that real or just my imagination. God knew I wanted there to be a spark for years now.
After puberty Zach went from a super cute kid to a majorly hot guy, which was why he’d always been so popular with the girls. Zach was the epitome of tall, dark, and handsome. He was about six foot, three inches tall, chiseled features, black/brown wavy hair, and for the last couple of years he sported a slight, dark scruff. He had deep brown, expressive eyes surrounded by long, thick black lashes. His nose was straight and angular along with a symmetric, strong jawline. He had a well-muscled physique with broad shoulders, rippled abs, narrow waist, and a perfect tight ass. Finish all that off with strong, corded arms and legs and he was an Adonis.
Eddie always joked with me, since he never had a brother, he might as well have Zach as a brother-in-law. Then, they could officially call each other “bro.” Eddie was a real dork, but a sweet dork. I know Eddie stuck up for me. More than once I’d heard Eddie on the phone with Zach, chewing his ass out for something he’d done or said that hurt my feelings. I hated Eddie being in the middle, but I was glad he was. He was my cheerleader.
We got in Zach’s old Toyota and headed off to pizza without saying much at all. We didn’t talk, but the silence was not awkward since Zach and I had known each other literally our whole lives. The radio was off and Zach had the air conditioner going in the car. Keeping it cool, almost too cold and I felt my nipples start to pucker. I crossed my arms to make sure Zach didn’t see them.
It was a short drive to the pizza place and when we got there, opening the door of the car was a relief to my aching nipples after the cold interior of the car. When we entered it took a moment for our eyes to adjust from the light outside to the dark interior of the pizza parlor.
“Em, why don’t you go grab us a table while I put in our order. You just want what we usually get?” Zach knew what I liked on my pizza and what I wanted to drink. The product of years of being best friends.
“Yep, that sounds good to me.” I nodded and turned to look farther into the interior of the establishment. I was looking for a special type of table. I wanted privacy and even a little bit of intimacy. Thankfully, it was a Thursday and it wasn’t busy. I picked a table as far away from any other patrons as possible. The table was almost in the corner. The room already had subdued lighting and the area I’d chosen was even a bit darker still, almost cave-like. I sat down and nervously smoothed back the unruly strands of hair which escaped their prison. I gave a quick tug on my shorts so they weren’t riding up too high.
Sitting down to wait with my back to the main room, I tried not to fidget. Then I heard Zach’s voice coming to me from behind. His voice made me melt and I momentarily closed my eyes, allowing it to wrap around me and warm me, causing my breath to hitch.
“It’ll be about fifteen or twenty minutes before the pizza’s ready. I’ve got your drink, Em.”
Zach stood out in a crowd. He had model good looks, which I teased him about all the time, telling him it had gone to his head. But, the best part about teasing him was his laugh. Zach had a deep rich baritone voice, smooth like dark amber honey. I could listen to him talk all night long, but of course, he had no idea.
Teasing him about his looks was easy because they were so obvious to everyone, but the idea of telling him he had the sexiest voice on earth would have given me away and embarrassed me to death. His hands were another thing I fantasized about. They were large and had long, strong fingers and the backs of his hands were deeply veined, but looked smooth to the touch. They literally made my panties wet. I had way too many dreams about those hands touching me over the years.
Zach set my sweet tea and his cola down while he gracefully slid onto the chair opposite me. “So, tomorrow is the big day for me. Mom, Charlie, and Eddie are moving me into the dorms at the University,” I tried to make light of it, to not let on I was freaked out and sad I’d be leaving the comfort of home.
“You’re going to do great at college Emma,” Zach’s words of encouragement washed over me and cocooned me in a blanket of comfort. I reached across the table and allowed myself the luxury of picking up his hand. I gave it a squeeze to acknowledge the compliment and encouragement. I held on a little bit longer, and Zach didn’t pu
ll his hand away. Again, I had the feeling of some sort of a shift in our relationship.
I reluctantly let his hand go, worried I’d be giving myself away by holding on too long. As I began to slowly withdraw my hand across the table, Zach’s hand darted out and grabbed a hold of it again. I looked at him, questioningly, but we didn’t speak. Emotions flitted across his face. Remorse, nervousness, confusion, surprise, trust and finally acceptance. They passed so quickly, I was sure I must have misinterpreted some of them.
I let my hand rest in his, neither one of us chose to talk, until one of the employees came to our table with our pizza. I pulled my hand away as if scalded. The last thing I wanted was the whole town buzzing about us being a couple when I was leaving for college. The hot, cheesy pizza steamed between us and the smell made my stomach growl with hunger.
We ate our pizza in relative silence, the arrival of the waiter breaking the spell. I looked up occasionally and saw Zach watching me very intently. It was as though he’d never truly seen me before. Why did this have to happen on my last night? That was just my luck.
“Are you getting nervous about leaving for boot camp?” I broke the silence.
“Nah, I’ve got Eddie to watch my back. What about you Em? Are you getting worried about leaving and starting classes in a few days?” The concern on Zach’s face was real and it matched the tension in his voice.
I thought it sweet of him to be worried about me when I was only going to school, but he and Eddie would likely be putting themselves in danger.