by Linnea Valle
“Don’t go, Eddie,” I couldn’t help myself. I implored him to stay.
The two weeks apart had been the longest we’d ever been away from one another and they were torture. I couldn’t do four years, even if we saw each other on the occasions he was on leave. Being apart from Eddie was like splitting myself in half.
I could feel Sarah’s small warm hand as it slid up and down my arm as she tried to console me. Eddie leaned his head into my hair and muttered something unintelligible. Then I felt Zach approach and his hand went to my back, stroking up and down, running his hand up under my hair, then back down. He didn’t say a word. I went from feeling more alone than I ever had before a few days ago, to surrounded with people I knew I could trust.
“Hey, sis, you’re getting your chance to break away from our little town, I need to do the same.” As always, Eddie made perfect sense to me and knew exactly what to say to ease my frazzled nerves.
“We’ll have time when we can talk on the phone and when I come home for leave. I need you to promise me you’ll stop holing up in your twelve-foot by ten-foot room. And eat occasionally, for God’s sake. You’re killing me here.” Eddie reached in and tickled my ribs, causing me to squirm.
“Fine, whatever!” I gave in knowing that every letter and every call, he’d be drilling me about my weight.
At least I wouldn’t be kicking myself over Zach. We had gotten along very well and although I chickened out, once again, I thought we both had come to an understanding. Our feelings ran deep. I turned out of Eddie’s embrace and ensconced myself in Zach’s waiting arms. I heard Eddie murmuring loving words to Sarah while I focused my attention on Zach.
“I’m going to write to both of you all the time,” I told Zach. I saw his eyes go from warmth to an indifferent coolness and I wondered if I said something wrong. I swore that sometimes, Zach could be a moody son of a bitch. His arms went slightly slack and I felt him emotionally pull away as I tried to snuggle in closer one last time.
“Yeah, uh, Em…” his voice was hushed and sounded apologetic. “I’m not much for writing, so I probably won’t write back. I don’t want you expecting anything from me, ok?” Zach’s tone had an icy chill to it.
It felt like a slap to the face. I’d thought all this time we were on the same track, had the same feelings and instead, I was just an opportunity to get laid, the last time before Basic.
Fuck, I was such an idiot. I was looking for love and tenderness and saw only what I had wanted to see. Zach was merely being a red-blooded guy who knew he was going to have a dry spell and took what he’d been presented with. Who could blame him, right? Well, I could. Damn him for making me think there was more to the weekend.
I withdrew from Zach’s arms and away from his body at an alarming rate. He even looked surprised when I pushed at his chest and shoved him away from me. “Okay, I guess it’s settled then,” I managed to say, my eyes brimmed with the stinging tears of rejection.
Shit, couldn’t my eyes behave and not betray me, even one time? As I turned away, I saw Zach’s face fall. I took two steps and then stopped. “Be safe,” I told Zach without facing him, my voice low, I wasn’t sure if he heard me or not. I continued and walked away from him.
Eddie and Sarah had been watching the two of us the whole time. A tear slipped over the rim of my eye as I walked over to Eddie and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, told him I loved him and we’d talk soon. I walked quickly back to the dorm. I didn’t dare look back, but I did hear Zach yell “fuck” and heard his car door slam, hard. I was almost to the doors when I heard Sarah running, closing the distance. When I opened the dorm door, I heard the car tear out of the parking lot with more vengeance than was necessary. Sarah grabbed the second of the double doors and pulled it open.
We walked through and I saw her look back toward the parking lot, void of Zach’s old Toyota since he peeled out as soon as Eddie was in the car.
“What the hell was that?” Sarah asked.
“That, my dear roommate, is why I’ve been pouting in our room for the last two weeks. That is Zach Peters at his finest. Him toying with my emotions and then stomping all over them like he’s done repeatedly.”
I was so mad at him for playing me and madder still at myself that I allowed it and not seeing right through it. Eddie’s insight only led to more heartbreak for me. Zach didn’t have those feelings for me. He was playing Eddie too, which pissed me off even more.
I stormed off to the stairwell and thought, if one good thing came out of the weekend, I got to see my roommate in a different light and got to know her. Sarah was a nice girl and I could see why Eddie liked her. I was in too much of a Zach love/hate haze to be able to appreciate her until then.
Eat, sleep, classes and study with the occasional phone call and daily notes written to Eddie, was my way of life for the ten weeks following their visit. Sarah and I bonded after the one weekend and she wrote to Eddie daily as well. I didn’t write to Zach, although Eddie mentioned a couple of times Zach was mad every time my mail arrived only for Eddie.
I didn’t ask, but Eddie said Zach would stomp around and act generally pissy each time a letter didn’t arrive for him. Then, after he calmed down, he wanted to know all about how things were going with me and if there was anything new.
One evening Sarah closed her laptop and looked at me seriously. “Emma, do you believe in love at first sight? Because I fell in love with Eddie the moment our eyes met.” Sarah looked over at me with a shy smile, a little misty eyed.
“I think it’s possible. It’s not the way it happened for me, but I think it’s different for everyone,” I gave her the confirmation she seemed to need. “If it helps, I’ve never seen Eddie fall like he did for you.”
That was the truth. Eddie dated, but he was never serious about anyone. When he was here several weeks ago, the two of them were inseparable. There was a different light in his eyes when he looked at Sarah, the way he held her and the way he kissed her were all different.
“Well, I’m sure he’s ‘the one’,” She said with her eyes glazed over a bit. “I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to seeing him during break.”
“I know what you mean. I feel like only a half of a person without Eddie. We’ve never apart like this before. I miss him so much. It’s like I don’t know how to exist without him,” I confided in her and allowed a tear to silently slip down my cheek.
Eddie and Zach graduated from Basic at the same time we finished up midterms, so we couldn’t attend. Mom and Charlie attended. In the pictures I’d never seen mom so proud. Eddie and Zach were both going to be home for their two-week leave. I would be off for twelve days during Thanksgiving break so I was going home.
Eddie and I had both asked Sarah to come home with me for at least a few days during our break so she and Eddie could see each other. It was so cute it was nauseating. I honestly believed my brother was in love.
Mom, Charlie, and Eddie were to meet Sarah and me at the bus station when we came home. Sarah and I were squirrely on the bus ride. I was surprised the people around us hadn’t said something. The excitement to see Eddie was building. I’d missed him more than I thought possible. I was nervous about seeing Zach. I was sure at some point during my ten days home I would see him, although I didn’t know if we had anything to say to each other.
Eddie thought differently, but Eddie got it wrong the last time. I wasn’t so trusting anymore. Eddie liked the idea of his best friend and his sister together. No clue why, but I was always a willing partner in crime. Zach, not so much.
As we got off the bus, I saw everyone waiting to greet us. Holy cow! I saw a few selfies of Eddie which he’d sent in his fatigues and with his hair buzzed, but he looked so different in person. Eddie looked buff and all grown up. So very handsome. Pride swelled in my chest for my brother.
Mom looked tired and like she’d been crying, which was rather worrisome as she was not known for her tenderheartedness. I exited the bus first and Eddie rushed
me, lifted me easily, and whirled me around a couple of times. When he set me down, I was laughing and breathless. Eddie’s attention turned to Sarah. He swooped down, picked her up and started kissing her like there was no tomorrow.
Mom and Charlie were shocked. I wasn’t. Eddie and Sarah had been tight since Eddie left. Each of them expressed to me how they felt. They were in love. I left them to their reunion and walked over to where mom and Charlie were standing, mouths agape. Charlie was the first to break his gaze away and stepped up to give me a big hug and kiss on the cheek.
“Welcome home, Emma! It’s good to see you. You’re looking good. School going okay?” Charlie usually showed more of an interest in things in my life than mom did.
“Yeah, things are fine at school, Charlie. How’s business at the dealership?” I asked.
“Well, you know, ups and downs. Car sales fluctuate,” Charlie said and then looked over at mom. I could tell something was not right.
I turned and gave mom a hug. She hugged a little harder and a little longer than I expected, but hey, I’d go with it. When we pulled apart, she had tears pooled in her eyes. That was when I knew something was definitely wrong.
“What’s going on, mom?” I asked her. She tried to look away, but I held her gaze. “Mom, something is going on, what?” I insisted.
“You and Eddie need to sit down and talk, honey. His girl too,” she said, flipping her chin toward where Eddie and Sarah snuggled in each other’s arms as they grinned at each other. I had no idea what she was talking about. Eddie and I had talked a couple of days before, right after he graduated from Basic.
“Okay,” I hedged, “so let’s get home so Eddie and I can talk.” I put air quotes around talk, since Eddie and I always communicated with each other. I couldn’t imagine what had mom all emotional.
On the ride home, I sat on one side of Eddie and Sarah on the other. It probably looked strange, but we both had our fingers laced in his hands. It felt good to have a connection with him even though most of his attention was on at Sarah.
It was fine, Eddie looked so happy when he was with her and as the weeks crawled by, we had become best friends. We cried on each other’s shoulders and bitched to each other when we hadn’t heard from Eddie in a day or two. I came to accept that we shared a deep love for Eddie. I didn’t feel at all threatened by him giving her attention. Even when he talked with her or stared at her, there was still the unspoken connection between us. He would give my hand a little squeeze to let me know I was never out of his thoughts.
We got home and mom had a roast with all the trimmings ready, the table was already set with an extra place for Sarah. We ate before we had a chance to do much more than dump our bags in my room. Seemed mom went out of her way to make a special dinner in honor of both Eddie and I being home. Eddie had been here for a couple of days already, but this felt like the “official” homecoming dinner.
After we ate and helped clean up, mom and Charlie excused themselves and took off to their room. I supposed so we could talk as mom suggested. She was extraordinarily quiet at dinner and Charlie seemed uncomfortable, like he was trying to take up the slack without quite knowing how to.
The three of us grabbed some sodas and made our way to the living room couch. I could tell Eddie was serious and had something on his mind. We settled on the couch, me on one end with my legs curled up underneath me, my back to the armrest. Eddie and Sarah took the other end. Eddie sat straight and pulled Sarah down across his lap. I was the first to speak.
“Eddie, mom said we needed to talk. I can tell something is up. Spill, what’s this big thing she’s all upset about?” I eyed him, trying to figure out what he was going to say before he said it. But, when he started talking, I was blown away by what he told us.
“Zach and I got our orders right before we came home for leave. I didn’t want to tell everyone over the phone. We are being deployed to Afghanistan. We received our orders for ‘mobilization for deployment.’ Basically, it means our unit will be in special training and preparedness for mobilization. This usually can take ten to twelve weeks, and then our unit will be actively deployed. We’ll be stationed in Afghanistan. Deployment usually lasts about nine months or so. When we get back home we will have to go through post deployment procedures before we get our next assignment. The whole process is around twelve to fifteen months.”
Eddie finished abruptly and looked between Sarah and me to see our reactions. Sarah was trying to put on a brave front. I watched in slow motion as silent tears slid down her cheeks and dropped onto her shirt. Eddie tried to console her. He held her tightly and rocked back and forth while he stared at me, trying to gauge my reaction.
What the fuck? I didn’t know what to think. It was the scariest shit I’d ever had to deal with in my short nineteen years. I knew most soldiers came home fine. More than the number who didn’t come home or who came home all messed up, either in body, mind, or both. Rationally, I shouldn’t have been scared shitless. I should have accepted it as part of being in the Army and be supportive. I said it’s what I should have done.
Instead, I wanted to deny it. Scream and yell, throw a tantrum and tell him I wouldn’t let either him or Zach go. But, I knew that wasn’t how it worked. We all knew this was a possibility when the guys enlisted. A possibility was not a reality though, and now, it was a reality.
I jumped up off the couch and without a word, ran out the front door into the coolness of the fall evening. Thanksgiving was only a few days away and there was a harsh chill in the air. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself and started to run.
I had nowhere to go, but I couldn’t sit there and pretend this was okay. I got to the end of our street, turned the corner and I continued running until I got to the end of the next street too. I noticed the street light was out and the intersection was dark. My phone started vibrating in my pocket, but I ignored it. I sat down on the curb and allowed my tears to fall. I leaned back and propped myself up with my arms. It was a clear night and I stared up into infinity allowing my pain and shock to float from one star to the next. My tears continued like shooting stars, leaving their trail across my cheeks.
I scooted back off the curb and lay down in the yellowed grass of the yard. The cold and the nearly frozen ground, along with my shock had me shivering, but I couldn’t go back to the house. My phone continued vibrating at constant intervals. There was almost no traffic, so when I heard a car approach, I shrunk even farther into the shadows. The car got closer, I recognized the sound of the engine, it was Zach’s car.
I couldn’t! A fresh wave of tears began their trek downward.
I heard the car turn up our street, certain Zach was headed to the house. Another reason not to go home. The phone was vibrating almost nonstop and I continued to ignore the insistent beckoning.
By that point, I had the shakes and the tears turned into sobs. I couldn’t ignore the foreboding feeling I had. After a few minutes, I heard Zach’s car come back, but slower. It still sounded far off, but I’d know that car anywhere. I heard Eddie and Zach alternately calling out my name. Sarah’s voice occasionally floated in the cool air. I heard the car reach the intersection and it turned my direction.
I wanted to run again, but I had no strength. My muscles felt like they had melted into the soil I laid on. Panic rose like bile in my throat as I heard the car get closer and closer and the voices got louder and louder. I didn’t know how I would escape though I desperately wanted to. My mind went fuzzy, blending into the starry night sky.
I was somewhat aware of the car, filled with my brother, Zach and Sarah pulling up to the stop sign. The car started to drive on when I heard Eddie’s voice crack as he called my name and his pain and worry shot straight through me. It was like an arrow piercing my heart, an invisible string pulled at my chest until I was sitting.
Sarah was the first to see me and yelled at the guys to stop. Zach stopped the car in the middle of the intersection and jumped out of the running car faster than Sarah or E
ddie. Zach knelt beside me and held me in his warm embrace. Eddie and Sarah came and stood on the other side. Eddie reached down and smoothed my wild, dead grass riddled hair.
“Jesus Christ, Emma!” Eddie attempted to scold me, but all I heard was the fear and worry in his admonition.
“What the hell? I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour. You’re out here without a coat or shoes. You must be freezing.”
“She is freezing, literally, Eddie,” Zach said. “She’s shaking uncontrollably. She might have some hypothermia. We need to get her home and warmed up.”
Hearing that sunk in and I reacted. I threw my arms up, trying to knock Zach’s arms from around me. “NO! I won’t go back there. I can’t walk back into that house.”
I tried to stand, but Zach reached out and wrapped an arm under my knees and the other arm slid further around me, easily picking me up. I tried to get away. I thrashed around, but Zach was even stronger than he was the last time I saw him. He pulled me tight to his chest. Despite everything my brain was telling me, my heart wanted to snuggle into his body and nuzzle my face into his neck. He smelled so good, familiar, like love. An illusion. Maybe it was all a bad dream.
Somehow, I resisted the urge to sink into him as Zach carried me back to the car. “Let’s take her over to my house. Mom can make some hot tea and we can get her warmed up and calmed down. I don’t think she’s gonna let us take her to your house,” Zach talked to Eddie as though I didn’t understand English.
Right then, the way I felt I wasn’t sure I could respond coherently, so I let go and closed my eyes. “You drive and I’ll sit in the back with her. Okay?”
Eddie went immediately to the open driver’s door and Sarah popped in the front passenger seat while Zach maneuvered me into the back seat on his lap with his arms wrapped so tightly, I could barely breathe. I was still shaking and shivering uncontrollably. I kept my eyes closed and hoped when I woke, this nightmare would be simply that, a nightmare.