by Linnea Valle
In the background of my mind, I heard Eddie and Zach talking. Zach sounded almost mad at Eddie and was very accusatory when he asked how it happened. Eddie, of course, took it with a grain of salt and I heard him tell Zach how he had told me about their orders and without a word, I bolted from the house. By the time Eddie realized I wasn’t in the front yard and coming back in, he tried to call, but when I wouldn’t answer, he called Zach for help. I faintly remember a rumble in Zach’s chest as he seemingly growled, then my mind drifted off completely.
I woke up in a fog. I was sitting, bundled in blankets in front of a roaring fire with Sarah next to me. She was trying to get me to take a sip of something steaming from a mug. We were at Zach’s house and as I looked around, I saw his parents, Zach, and Eddie who all hovered to the side. I had no idea how long I’d been here, I barely remembered being rescued. I did, however, remember what made me flee in the first place and wondered if a rescue was what I should call it.
“Thanks, Sarah,” I said as I took the mug from her and took a tentative sip.
I heard a huge, collective sigh of relief from everyone. Zach’s mom, Carol, came over and knelt next to me. She had been like a second mom to Eddie and me. I set the mug down and unraveled my arms from the blanket to give her a hug. She hugged me back, fiercely.
“We were ready to call the doctor, Emily.” She had always called me by my full name, never adopted the shortened versions everyone else had. “I know how upset you are, honey, but you can’t be giving us a scare like this.” She rubbed up and down my arms a few times and I felt how warm her hands were on the coolness of my skin. “Zach and Eddie said they found you lying in the grass, no coat and no socks or shoes on. You almost caught your death out there tonight.”
“I’m better now, Mrs. Peters. Thank you for helping me. We should get home. Don’t want mom and Charlie worrying about us,” I tried for cheery, but wasn’t convincing. I was feeling on display and it made me quite uncomfortable. She stood and returned to her husband’s side.
“Mom and Charlie know we’re over here,” Eddie piped in. “They don’t know you almost froze your ass off on purpose though.” I looked over at Eddie and gave him the stink eye.
“Sorry for my language Mr. and Mrs. Peters,” Eddie looked sheepish, but still stood tall and I could tell he wasn’t at all sorry.
“I think I’d like to go home now.” I looked at Sarah, concern still etched on her face. We’d been taking care of each other for the last two and a half months, since the guys left.
“Sorry I worried everyone.” I still felt chilled to the bone and an involuntary shiver took over occasionally.
I avoided looking at Zach. Why did he do these things to confuse me? He could be so tender and caring one minute and the next he’d have a wild mood swing in the other direction and treat me like he didn’t care at all. I wondered about that since their last night at the college. I chose to stop talking to Eddie or Sarah about it. I didn’t want to hear their analysis because I already knew what they’d say. But, with every hurt Zach delivered to my heart, I believed Eddie less and less. He still swore Zach loved me. If he loved me, why did he continue to break me and push me away whenever I got too close?
I didn’t want to get into it with him during this school break, especially with the knowledge he’d soon be a world away. Sarah and Eddie disagreed. They thought now was the time I needed to come clean. Tell him my feelings and demand he explain himself. But, I wasn’t willing to put myself through this again, not now. If he did have feelings for me, let him bare his soul.
I finished my tea and stood up, noticing I had on a pair of Zach’s socks. I started to fold the blanket, but Zach stepped forward and pulled it from my grasp. “Don’t worry about that. Are you feeling alright, Em?” I saw the concern and tenderness in Zach’s eyes. I refused to fall for it. Each time I started to believe what I saw, he would yank the rug out from underneath me.
I turned away, refusing to look at him. I knew if I did, I’d get lost in the spell he held over me. “I’m fine, thanks. Can we go home now?”
“Sure, if you want. But, an hour ago you said you never wanted to walk into ‘that house.’ Now, you suddenly seem very eager to?” Zach asked in a low, mocking voice so his mom and dad wouldn’t hear.
Sarah had stepped away and Eddie had his arm wrapped around her waist. Everyone was still staring at me. I must have looked a mess. I felt like I’d cried thousands of tears and I suddenly was very tired.
“I want to go home and go to bed. Please?” I said toward my feet. I implored Zach not to argue with me.
He stepped around, faced me and tilted my chin up so I looked him in the eye. Exactly what I tried to avoid, but I was determined to hold firm in my conviction not to let Zach’s apparent tenderness affect me. I did the only thing I could do, I faked it. I gave him a dead stare. The same one I’ve had on my face every time he screwed up everything between us.
The iciness in my eyes registered. Zach pulled his hand away as though my skin burned. “I don’t think you’ve completely warmed up yet, but if you want, I’ll take you home.” Zach’s face turned to stone as I stared him down.
“Stay put. I’ll be right back,” he ordered me and I didn’t dare move if I gauged his body language and the tone of his voice correctly.
He left and walked out the door, I heard his car start and within seconds he was back inside and headed down the hall to his room. There was an awkward silence in the room while he was gone. He returned holding his Letterman’s jacket. He walked to me and held the jacket out for me to put on. When I hesitated, he didn’t say a word, but gave the jacket two hard shakes, still holding it out for me. He was waiting for me to slip my arms in.
I had no choice. If I refused, I’d end up having to throw a fit in front of everyone, and I could tell I’d lose the argument anyway. I slipped my arms inside and Zach pulled it up and over my shoulders. He spun me around and reached out to zip it. I swam in this coat and couldn’t even get my hands to the ends of the sleeves. I tried to bat his hands away, but he grabbed my wrists through the material and shoved my arms to my sides, then went back to his original task of zipping me in.
When he was satisfied, he grabbed my arm and began to guide me toward the door. Eddie and Sarah along with Mr. and Mrs. Peters parted like the Red Sea as Zach pulled me through the middle. I tried to turn to thank the Peters’ for their help, but Zach gave an extra tug that turned me back on course.
“Thank you for everything,” I tossed over my shoulder as we neared the door. I saw Eddie and Sarah follow us. Eddie stopped and gave Mrs. Peters a hug and whispered his thanks.
We got outside and the night had turned even colder, I shivered inside Zach’s jacket. His arm instinctively circled me as he pulled me in to soak up his body heat as we walked to his car. Zach held open the front passenger door for me while Eddie let Sarah into the back seat.
The guys rounded the car at the same time. I could see them in quiet conversation, but with the heat blasting in the running car, I couldn’t hear what they were saying to each other. Eddie nodded before he ducked into the car beside Sarah and Zach slid in behind the wheel.
“Buckle up, Emma,” Zach said as he began to back out of the driveway.
I tried, to avoid a fight, also because I always buckled up. But, I couldn’t manage with my hands covered by the coat’s arms. Zach saw my struggle and stopped the car. Without a word, he leaned over and grabbed the strap and clicked the buckle.
The ride home was quiet, I heard Eddie and Sarah in the back, they talked low. With the heater on full blast, I couldn’t hear what they said. Zach and I weren’t talking at all. The drive reminded me of the “virginity incident.” It only took a few minutes for us to arrive at the house. Zach looked at me with what I swear were puppy dog eyes and opened his mouth to say something. He obviously thought better of it, closed his mouth, and turned to face forward, the wheel in a death grip. “Take care, Em, and no more stupid stunts, okay?”
&n
bsp; I didn’t have time to argue with him before Eddie was there helping me out of the car. I tried to unzip the coat, but Eddie stopped me. “Leave it on and save the fight,” he said quietly. He leaned in and thanked Zach for all his help, then closed the door. We headed into the house while Zach drove off.
We walked into the house and the oppressive feeling hit me like a slap in the face. I was prepared for it though. I looked at Eddie and Sarah and told them how exhausted I was and wanted to go straight to bed.
Sarah was staying in my room, and she gave Eddie a lingering kiss. “I’ll see you in the morning, honey. Don’t worry about Emma and me; we’re pros at looking after each other,” she said as she gave him a wink.
I walked over to Eddie, the first time I’d talked directly to him since he told me about his deployment. I went up on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. “I love you Eddie! Thank you,” I told him and headed to my room, Sarah followed closely.
I awoke the next morning exhausted and feeling like a hollow shell of myself. I slept like crap despite how tired I was. At least I finally understood why mom looked so tired and had been crying when I arrived. I was there now myself.
I got up to go to the bathroom, trying hard not to wake Sarah. I looked at her lying on the blowup bed borrowed from some of mom and Charlie’s friends. She looked like she had tossed and turned all night as well. It made me realize how selfish I’d been in all of this, making her take the role of caretaker and not allowing her time to properly process the news about Eddie. I vowed to remedy that. I would be stronger and give her the support she had given me.
I tiptoed past her and went to the bathroom. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I not only saw the exhausted mess I expected to see, but I realized I was still wearing what I had on the night before when I left Zach’s house. I slept all night wearing his jacket and socks. I refused to examine any reasons other than exhaustion which could have led to my sleeping attire.
I was thirsty, I went to grab a glass of water, without bothering to change… It was early, still dark outside, but the kitchen light was on. I walked in and Charlie was waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing. It seemed odd, because he didn’t need to be at work for hours.
“Hey Charlie, what’s got you up so early?” I asked, as I grabbed a glass and started filling it from the faucet.
Charlie eyed my outfit. “Me? How come you look like you’re ready to leave the house already?”
“Oh, I left the house without a coat last night, Zach loaned me his jacket and I was so tired when I got home, I guess I slept in it.” Truth. But, I was also still freezing, so the thought of changing hadn’t even occurred to me.
“Well, I’m up because your mama has been awake. She’s been having some bad heartburn the last few days. It’s been keeping her up, so I can’t sleep either. I think she’s working on an ulcer. Been trying to get her to go see the doc, but she’s stubborn and says it will go away, she’s been taking antacids like crazy.” Charlie shook his head in frustration at mom’s stubbornness.
I knew it wouldn’t do any good to say anything to her myself. Charlie always got better results getting mom to do stuff than either Eddie or me.
“I’m sorry, Charlie. Maybe if it continues she’ll listen to you and go in.”
I finished my water and put my glass in the dishwasher. “I’m going to try and get more sleep,” I told Charlie.
I walked past Eddie’s room and back to mine, where I found Sarah sitting on her bed. “Did I wake you?” I asked.
“No, I wasn’t sleeping well.” Sarah shook her head. Her hair looked like she had just styled it. That always amazed me. When I woke up, I looked like I’d stuck my finger in a light socket. She always got up and her hair looked perfect.
“How are you doing with Eddie’s news?” I felt bad I didn’t talk with her yet. I knew how much it was affecting her. She and Eddie had gone at breakneck speed with their relationship and I wouldn’t be surprised if he proposed. It was obvious they were meant to be together.
“It’s tough to take, but I want to be supportive of Eddie, so I’m holding it all inside right now. I’ll probably completely freak out once we’re back at school, but I’m gonna make the most of my time with him before I leave for home. I wish I could stay here the whole time.” Her face dropped at the prospect of having to leave.
“Then stay. You’re welcome here and I’m sure Eddie would love it. He may still be stationed overseas next year, so, your family should understand.”
I could talk big and hand out excellent advice to others. Too bad I couldn’t solve my own problems when it came to the man I loved. I caught myself absentmindedly rubbing my hand over the letter on his jacket, having pushed the sleeves up for my hands to poke out.
“I don’t know,” Sarah said hesitantly. “My family hasn’t even met Eddie; I’m not so sure they’d be thrilled with me skipping Thanksgiving to be with him instead of them.” She furrowed her brow in worry, but also because she was contemplating the idea.
“You’ve got two more days to decide, Sarah. I think you should stay, take advantage of this time. There will always be Christmas with your family, and Christmas is an even longer break.”
“I’ll think on it,” she yawned, which triggered my own a yawn.
“I’m going to try to get some more sleep. It’s too early to be up, I walked past the makeshift bed and crawled under the covers. I had thought about taking off the jacket, but I wanted the comfort it brought me.
“Yeah, me too. I’m drained,” Sarah lay back down. Then sat up again, she looked at me and asked, “Do you think I could sneak into Eddie’s room and sleep in there? Would it be disrespectful to do in your parent’s house? I don’t want to ‘do’ anything, I just want to feel his arms around me while I sleep. Is that wrong?” She worried her lip with her teeth and looked about ready to cry. My heart went out to her.
“Go, but be extra quiet because Charlie is up. Although I don’t think he’d give a shit anyway,” I shooed her away. She didn’t need any more encouragement. She got up, tiptoed to the door, cracked it, and peeked out.
“I’ll say I’m going to the bathroom if I see anyone,” she whispered to me with a much happier look on her face before she snuck out of my room.
I didn’t hear a thing, even though I listened for Eddie’s door. I assumed she got in undetected. I rolled over and closed my eyes in hopes of a few more hours of sleep before morning.
I fell asleep, a hard, deep sleep. Thankfully, without dreams. When I finally woke up, I heard the shower running and I smelled some food cooking. My stomach flipped at the thought of food and the smell didn’t help matters. I wondered who was cooking. I looked at the clock and I knew Charlie and mom had left for work. My phone vibrated in my pocket and realized I hadn’t even taken it out last night. I must have really been out of it. I pulled it out and without looking I answered.
“Em,” Zach’s unmistakable voice reached out and grabbed my heart giving it a squeeze, while my stomach did another flip-flop.
“I wanted to make sure you’re doing okay,” I heard the concern, his voice sounded more gravely from the emotion. Damn him! It would be so much easier if he was consistent. Either love me or hate me, but I wished he’d stop toying with me.
“I’m better, thanks for checking on me Zach.” I’d fallen for it again. I was helpless when it came to him.
My feelings were like a marionette, the strings manipulated at his will. Yanked up until I was floating and then dropped until I was lying in an abandoned heap.
“You can come by and pick up your jacket anytime you want. Thank you for lending it to me last night. Oh, and the socks.” I started to unzip the jacket, readying myself to remove the comfort of his embrace, even if it was simply a coat.
“No, Emma. Keep it. I don’t need it. I’m glad I had something to keep you warm.” His voice warmed me more than the jacket had, even when I was hypothermic. The deep, richness of his voice was like a heated blanket.
Then I thought back, visualized what happened. At least what I remembered of it and I realized I hadn’t even noticed Zach’s hair was buzzed like Eddie’s. It made him look older too. And even more handsome, if that was possible. It made me focus on his face and eyes, rather than his hair.
“You looked good. How do you like Army life?” I asked trying to keep the conversation going.
I knew it was like picking at a scab. I was going to bleed again, but there was comfort in the known. The unknown promised fear, which is what the future held.
“It’s okay. I’m glad Basic is over with. Shit was hard!” He chuckled. “I don’t know if Eddie mentioned to you, but there was one guy who couldn’t handle it. He had to go through this whole process of requesting separation from the Army. I’m glad Eddie and I were together and made it through.”
I knew about the guy, Eddie had told Sarah and me one afternoon. “I’m sure you and Eddie did great.” I already knew the answer.
“Eddie said you were made the squad leader. That is cool. I knew you’d do well. You can do anything you set your mind on doing, Zach.”
Zach’s sigh came through from the other end of the phone and I sensed frustration. “I wish it were true Emma, but there’s always one thing in my life just beyond my grasp.” His voice had dropped so low I strained to hear it. I thought maybe he was talking about us, but I had no way of knowing for sure.
“I think I know what you mean, but I’m not sure what to say, Zach. I wish things were different,” I told him honestly.
“If Eddie and I weren’t shipping out…” Zach’s voice trailed off with the promise of the impossible
“Well, I wanted to make sure you were doing better. I need to let you go Em,” he said it with a conviction and a finality that once again broke me. His double meaning was obvious.
“I called mom and dad this morning,” Sarah said. “They weren’t happy about missing Thanksgiving with me, but after I told them about Eddie’s deployment and that I promised to be home for Christmas break, they were better with it.” Sarah decided to stay after all. She told Eddie first, then me.