Like There's No Tomorrow

by Linnea Valle

  The week and a half Emma was away at college and Eddie and I were waiting to report for duty were awful, they were the longest ten days of my life. On top of that, Eddie bugged me every single day about whether I had called Emma when he knew damn well I hadn’t. I had no clue how to grovel. I felt horrible about myself for leaving her in the lurch and letting her think I regretted our night together. Damn, that was far from the truth. I thought about it, every night and almost every minute of every day.

  Emma was an incredible young woman. Smart, so beautiful and with a great future in front of her. She deserved way better than having to be stuck with me. She was probably finding out at college right now exactly how right I was about that.

  The thought of her figuring out I was nothing special drove me insane. She was probably seeing how many fish were in the proverbial ocean. Guys better than me. Someone who would cherish her and treat her like a queen, like she deserved. Someone who wouldn’t hurt her and leave her like I was sure would happen if we hooked up.

  I was looking forward to visiting her though, but I was nervous as hell too. I needed to apologize, I needed to make her see I was no good for her and she should find someone better. I also needed to say goodbye, which was the scariest part of all of it.

  She would hate me and I didn’t want her hating me. I liked knowing she loved me. It warmed me and made me feel light as a feather. But, that was about me. This weekend needed to be about what was best for her.

  Instead of telling her she deserved better, I was weak, again. That weekend was incredible. The best weekend of my life, hands down. Em and I were glued to each other.

  Eddie also found himself with a new love, Sarah, Emma’s roommate. I’d seen Eddie play the field for years and he was a charmer, always had a girl, but looking for the next one to move on to. He treated his girlfriends good. None of the break ups were ever nasty. Eddie was just too loveable for anyone to hate him. Everything changed when he met Sarah and he spent as much time with her as I did with Emma that weekend.

  Em and I had gotten off to a rocky start with my jealousy rearing its ugly head and me being an asshole. Eddie had lectured me the whole two-hour drive about what I needed to do and what I needed not to do.

  “Zach, when we get there, you need to apologize to Emma. If she finds out I told you this, she’ll skin me alive, but she’s been locked up in her room other than when she’s in class or working. She’s unsure of herself and she’s as stubborn as you are.” I looked over at him and he glowered at me, showing his disapproval for me not calling her since the last night she was in town.

  “I’ve already warned her and I’m gonna warn you too, both of you had better clear this up and start acting like adults about all of this, about your feelings for one another. Use this time wisely. I’m warning you, don’t hurt my sister again.”

  Eddie didn’t issue warnings or ultimatums very often, so this took me aback as I drove my beat up old Toyota to the University. Eddie was serious and although he didn’t make any actual threats, he didn’t need to. I knew him well enough to know he meant what he said.

  The thing is, Emma meant more to me than I’d ever thought a person could. It scared the shit out of me, especially knowing I had at least four years in the Army ahead of me. Including, most likely, at least one deployment into a war zone. If I let Emma get too close, I could end up hurting her even worse than if I pushed her away. The reality always occupied a space in the back of my mind.

  The rest of the weekend was pure heaven. I’ve never felt so connected and so content in my own skin as I did when I was with Emma. We made love, yes, I can say so now, it wasn’t sex, it wasn’t convenience or me knowing I was leaving. At the time, I didn’t have the ability to deal with the emotions I felt for Emma.

  Again, I did what I always did. I lashed out and pulled away. I’d done it again. I wasn’t proud of myself, in fact, I felt like shit about how I’d treated her. At the end of the weekend, when it was time to tell her goodbye, I was overcome with my emotions and I could see Emma was too. It freaked me the fuck out.

  I felt, in my immature and foolish mind, if I didn’t push her away, she’d never move on if something happened to me. I couldn’t stand the idea, but in the end, I had hurt her again.

  Eddie was furious with me when he realized what I’d done. He basically refused to talk to me the whole trip home. I knew how pissed off he was, so I kept my mouth shut. We stayed close, but no matter how much I asked about Emma, he always kept me at arm’s length. He only ever gave me general information. He was very dismissive to me with regards to Emma after that.

  One time, when we were in Basic Training, we got into it when I pushed him for information about Emma.

  “Zach, you fucker!” Eddie’s voice barked at me. “She was yours, you had her, and all you had to do was tell her how you felt. Instead, you acted like a fucking moron. You pushed her away when she was at a very vulnerable point. She’s not going to keep falling for your shit. Either call her and get real with her or leave her the hell alone. She doesn’t need you messing with her head any more than you already have.” After Eddie’s tirade, he gave me a shove on the shoulder as he left the barracks.

  Eddie was right. I was no good for Emma. I made a vow to not make any attempts to see or talk to her no matter how much I missed her and wanted to hear her voice or see her face like Eddie got to. I didn’t try, not that I had been trying, but this confirmed in my mind I was doing the right thing.

  Eddie stopped telling me anything going on with her and made sure I wasn’t around when he talked with her. Sarah and Emma also wrote to Eddie frequently. I never got any mail except occasionally from my parents.

  I wasn’t looking forward to going home at Thanksgiving after we graduated Basic. I knew it would be hard to be home and know Emma was home from school too. I would have to make myself stay away from her. In the end, I didn’t make the decision, it was made for me.

  Eddie called the night Emma and Sarah had arrived back in town. They were frantic. Eddie had told the girls about our orders and apparently, Emma freaked out. She ran out of the house and disappeared, refusing to answer her phone.

  “Dude, you gotta help us!” Eddie’s voice was full of worry. He sounded like he was gonna lose it.

  “Shit! What’s going on Eddie?”

  “Man, Emma took off when I told her we were shipping out. She won’t answer her phone and she didn’t even grab a jacket or shoes. We need your help to find her. Will you help us, Zach?”

  I was half way out the door before he’d even finished talking. “I’ll be there in five minutes, keep trying to call her,” I ordered.

  It hadn’t taken us very long to find her. She was frozen, and incoherent except for the fact she didn’t want to go home. We took her to my parent’s house instead. It took about an hour before she started to come around. God, I was so worried about her. I kept insisting we take her to the Emergency Room, but mom said she got a chill and was in shock. Once she warmed up she’d come around. Mom was right, although, it reinforced everything I’d been thinking.

  If I told Emma how I felt (if I could admit those feeling to myself) and something happened to me in Afghanistan, I couldn’t stand the thought of what it would do to her, so I held fast to my resolve to keep her at arm’s length emotionally, even through the tragic and unexpected death of her mother only a few days later. I tried, but I was unsuccessful. I always failed when it came to distancing myself from Emma.

  As she was on the cusp of sleep after her mom’s funeral. Like a coward, I slipped in my resolve and I had asked her to wait for me. She hadn’t responded, so I never knew if she heard me or not. Her last words would stay with me forever, replaying in my mind, haunting me, yet keeping me alive, my lifeline. She told me she would love me forever. I went home and cried for the first time since I was a little kid. I cried because I wanted her so badly and because I knew she would never be mine.

  We left for our deployment on February 20th at 0600 hours. I never
told Eddie I asked Emma to wait for me. I tried to focus on doing my best for my country. I tried to forget about Emma, even though I saw her face, and her eyes, every day when I looked at Eddie. They even had the same mannerisms. A constant reminder of what I chose to give up.

  On the rare occasions when Eddie tried to bring up the subject of Emma, I refused to talk to him or downright walked away. He thought I was indifferent, but nothing was further from the truth. It hurt me so deeply, seeing her when I looked at him and knowing I could never have her like I did the weekend at the university.

  “Fuck it all, Zach,” Eddie said one day a few months before we’d be heading home. “You have no idea what the hell you’re giving up! You need to reconsider this strategy of yours. You’re fucking everyone over by acting like this. You’re missing out on the best things in life and you don’t even know it. What you’ve done to my sister is the fucking worst thing. I love you like a brother, but man, I hate what you’ve done and continue to do to Emma. I hope one day you’ll wake up because you’re hurting more people than you realize. And when you do wake up, I hope it’s not too late to make things right.”

  None of it sunk in. I was as stubborn as a mule. I wanted to get this tour out of the way. I prayed Eddie and I would get to go stateside sooner rather than later and we’d never have to come back to this god-awful place. I was literally counting down the days left before I would be discharged. I decided somewhere along this journey, military life was not for me and I would not re-up when the time came.

  Eddie was sending nearly all his pay back home to Emma and Sarah. I’d overheard him at the end of one of his FaceTime sessions with the girls when he didn’t know I was outside. He was promising them they would be able to get by as long as Sarah kept working and how everything was going to be fine until he got home.

  Afterwards, Eddie was different. He was avoiding me whenever possible and wouldn’t look me in the eye. He also seemed preoccupied. Something had changed.

  “What’s up?” I’d asked him one day while we were in the mess line.

  “Nothing you’d be interested in.” Eddie blew me off. So, I pressed him as soon as we sat down with our trays.

  “Is there a problem back home? Why does Sarah have to work extra hours through the summer?” School had gotten out about two weeks ago, but I couldn’t figure out why it would be a problem.

  “Drop it Zach.” Eddie slammed his fork down. “Now you decide you’re okay talking about home and Emma and Sarah? Well, isn’t that fucking convenient for you?” Eddie stood to dump his tray, but I stopped him by grabbing his arm and giving it a yank.

  “What the fuck is with you these days, Eddie?” I was truly puzzled. This was not the jokester or carefree Eddie who I was used to, even during Basic and our tour thus far.

  “Jesus fuck, Eddie! You got a problem with me or want to tell me something, then man-the-fuck-up and do it! Do it!” I was practically yelling at this point and all eyes in the mess hall were on us.

  Eddie jerked his arm out of my hold and very slowly and precisely said, “GO-FUCK-YOURSELF, YOU-SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLE!” He then turned and left without eating a bite.

  We avoided each other for the next week unless it had to do with our missions. I felt like I had nothing. I’d lost everything, first Emma, now Eddie and I couldn’t take it any longer. I cornered Eddie in the barracks shortly after he got off Facetime with Emma and Sarah.

  “Goddammit Eddie! You need to talk to me! I’m doing what I think is right by protecting Emma. I’m no good for her and if something happens to me while we’re here, she’ll be better off not knowing I’ve always had feelings for her.”

  Eddie glared at me, but I could see a tiny bit of ice melt in his eyes. “Zach, I’m only going to ask one thing of you when it comes to Emma.” I nodded and Eddie continued, “I’m taking good care of her right now, but promise me if anything happens to me over here you will take over for me, take care of Emma for me, okay Zach?” There was sadness in his voice and a weariness I hadn’t heard before.

  “Of course. I will, Eddie.” With those words, Eddie gave a short nod and left. That was it. But from then on, Eddie didn’t avoid me and we went back to friends. Best friends who had a big elephant in the room between us. And the topic of home was completely off limits.

  We went on like that until that fateful day. The day that forever changed the lives of so many people, too many to count. The day we encountered a VBIED while out on patrol. In other words, a car bomb. I had come down from the gunner position on our Humvee and Eddie took my spot when the unthinkable happened. Just a few more minutes, seconds really, and it would have been me instead of Eddie.

  It took me months of therapy to get up to that point. It was amazing how much suffering and anguish a person could heap onto themselves all in the name of guilt. I had been punishing myself for months. So many stupid mistakes I made both before and after our unit was attacked. There were many times I wanted to give up. I didn’t want to go on living.

  I’d been coming to therapy with Dr. Mooney for several months. I started right after I got sober. I hit rock bottom. My life was a mess and I knew I needed to do something drastic. Either end it or heal it. There was no in between. Thankfully, mom and dad were keeping close tabs on me and got me the help I needed before I lost another battle. A battle more than twenty soldiers a day lose on average, I lost my will to live.

  With AA and therapy, I was determined not to simply survive, but to heal. I was going to win this battle and I’d do whatever it took to make it happen. I already lost too much. I lost Emma, then Eddie. After that, I failed at a marriage which should never have taken place, but I still couldn’t hold on to it. I should have been able to make things work with Kelly, but I didn’t even try. I lost myself in an alcoholic haze.

  Purging my demons was easier in theory than in reality. Going to therapy to heal myself was so much easier than making it happen. The survivor’s guilt crushed me. Some days it still did. The simple fact, I was alive and Eddie wasn’t, was enough to send me back over the edge at times. I went back on my word. I had promised Emma that I would keep Eddie safe. And I betrayed him. I didn’t do the one thing I’d promised Eddie I’d do, take care of Emma. I broke all my promises.

  I couldn’t take care of Emma, and I was mad at him for asking me to. I was mad at him for dying. I was mad at myself for not dying. And, I was mad at Emma for being so much like Eddie I couldn’t stand to look at her. The thought of her drove me insane. I’d loved her, used her and thrown her away. Then, when she needed me the most, I’d left her to deal with Eddie’s death alone. I was ashamed of the man I’d become.

  Once the shock had dissipated, the depression and guilt had set in. I had refused help at the time. I didn’t want to deal with any of it. And when I was recovering from my own injuries, I met Kelly. She was one of my nurses. She was a pretty brunette with a short bob haircut and soft brown eyes. She also had a killer body and fair skin. She reminded me of a miniature Snow White. She was the exact opposite of Emma in every way.

  Kelly was quiet and had almost a mousy demeanor. I could tell she treated me special, naturally I was drawn to her. She nursed me back to health physically during the time I spent at Walter Reed and after I left too. When we went to the Justice of the Peace and got married, I thought it would solve all my problems.

  As usual, it only created more issues for me. After I left the hospital, I began drinking and within a very short time, I was a full-blown alcoholic. Kelly tried to help, but I wouldn’t let her. I shut her out and after only five months, Kelly left me and our so-called marriage.

  I kept it up for another month when my dad finally stepped in and forcefully pushed me into rehab for the alcohol abuse and told me when I got out, I would get the mental help I’d turned my back on.

  He was right. My dad was a gentle giant, but not when it came to this. He meant what he said. He pushed me hard and I knew he’d follow through with keeping me on the road to recovery even if it killed h
im.

  “So, where shall we start today, Zach?” Dr. Mooney pulled me out of my thoughts of how I got to where I was today, but pushed me right back into more of my past. He was kind, but relentless.

  “I don’t know, what do you think I need to concentrate on?” I asked, hesitantly. Worried about what his answer might be.

  “I think we’ve covered so much the last few months. I was thinking maybe you should go home and have some conversations with a few other people in your life.” He gave me a direct look. “Your parents, Charlie, and maybe you’d consider talking with Emma.” His eyes never wavered as I flinched upon hearing her name.

  We’d spent a lot of time talking about our childhood and everything up until the point I’d shut her out. It was the past. The idea of seeing her and talking to her nearly sent me into a panic attack.

  “Do you think that’s necessary, Doc? I mean, I talk with my parents on the phone a lot and I’m not sure Charlie would even want to see my face,” I answered.

  “I notice you avoided the fact I also mentioned Emma. Why?” He persisted.

  I broke out in a cold sweat. We’d gone over my past with Emma plenty. He knew my reasons quite well.

  “I…I don’t think I could face her after all of this time,” I stammered.

  “What exactly do you think you couldn’t handle about it?” Dr. Mooney asked with a truly quizzical look on his face.

  “Oh, shit! Where should I begin? Why would she want to see me at this point anyway?” My question was rhetorical.

  We both knew I would never come to terms with Eddie’s loss until I faced Emma. I had so many apologies to make. My mom had mentioned early on Emma had many questions about exactly what happened in Afghanistan. That would be reason enough not to talk with her. I’d have to relive the horror with someone other than Army personnel or my doctors.