by Linnea Valle
It was hard to put much force behind my words since I was still sitting on Zach’s lap and my eyes were puffy from crying. My nose and face were probably red and blotchy, but I thought my words hit home because he started to squirm a bit under my scrutiny.
“Yes, ma’am.” Zach replied. No hesitation. He seemed genuine. “I screwed up a lot of things in my life up to this point, but I have no intention of ever taking my duties as a dad to Trinity and Tommy with anything but one hundred percent commitment.” He hadn’t mentioned me, but when I tried to move off his lap, his hold tightened and he pulled me closer to his body.
Zach
We got through it. I got through it! I couldn’t believe I was able to tell Emma all the details. I was sweating and I almost had a nuclear meltdown, but my instincts to protect Em took over and my own anguish easily quelled. Then, hearing her tell me I could be a part of the twins’ lives, gave me renewed hope and purpose. It also gave me hope for a future with Emma. I wanted to try to gain her trust and to restore the love I knew she once felt for me.
The softness in her eyes when she stopped crying spurred me on. I studied her for the few minutes I had been granted and a rush of love and respect engulfed me. Suddenly, I didn’t want to let her go when she started move off my lap. I didn’t want to lose the warmth, the comfort, and the security she brought me.
“Emma,” I whispered as my grip on her tightened just a hair, “stay.” It was the best I could articulate. It was a plea, a request, and a command all in one.
“Zach, I…” she hesitated. “I don’t know if I can trust you with my heart. It’s fragile and I need it intact.”
I didn’t wait for any more words. Words were useless at that point. I needed to show Em. Show her I’d seen the light. I’d had my “come to Jesus” moment when it came to how I felt about her. I told her I had always been in love with her despite how stupidly I acted in the past. Now I needed to show her.
With all the emotions and tears, her eyes had turned the most impossible dark aqua imaginable. The color I had always gotten lost in. Never taking my eyes off hers, I slowly lowered my face to close the distance between us. It was only a few inches with her on my lap, but I gave her plenty of time. Time to stop me if she wanted to, but I was praying she didn’t.
Our lips touched for the first time in nearly two years. A tiny brush of lips and fuck, I was lost. I was hers. We were still staring at each other and I saw the flare, heat ignited in her eyes. I also still saw a wariness and pain. Both of which I had put in those beautiful orbs. A wariness which I planned on wiping from her memory.
I leaned in farther and she let me. Our lips made further contact and it was glorious. Better than I remembered. Instantly, I realized if Emma stayed on my lap much longer, she was going to know the full extent of how affected I was by her. I didn’t want to scare her off as soon as I’d gained a modicum of trust, so I shifted and placed my hands to move her off my lap.
Emma moaned in protest and squirmed on my lap in her attempt to stay put. She wrapped her arms around me and heaved a sigh into my mouth, offering up more of herself to me. I was a greedy bastard and I stopped worrying about everything except the feel of Em in my arms. Again. I couldn’t help but marvel in how good it felt, how right it felt. I was home at last, finally able to let go of some of the demons that haunted me. Because I knew Emma would be there to help me push them away, at least for now.
I stopped fighting and kissed her the way I’d dreamt of kissing her since the last night we spent together, ironically, at the same hotel I was currently staying at until I figured out my future. My tongue invaded her mouth and we kissed like starving souls tasting their first bit of salvation. I threaded one hand into her thick red mane and with the other I locked her to me with an arm around her waist.
Our moans and sighs were intermixed with the occasional nibble on the lip or a soft touch, lips to lips. When we finally came up for some air, I was hard for her. I wouldn’t let it go too far. But damn, I wanted more, more than her wet, plump lips kissing me back. Maybe someday she would let me love her again. I refused to accept her body without her giving me her heart as well.
Emma was nibbling on my ear and the sensitive skin over the corded muscles of my neck. I was finding it very hard to think. Despite her best efforts to stay on my lap, I pulled away, lifted her and shimmied out from underneath her.
“What?” Emma looked devastatingly beautiful. Her eyes were dark with lust, her chest heaving with the effort to breathe evenly and her lips soft, swollen and full from crying and being kissed. She also looked simply shattered I had pulled away.
“Emma, I can’t.” I started to explain, but she silenced me with a hand.
“You can’t, as in, physically can’t or you won’t?” Her painful memories played across her face. Memories I was responsible for.
“Emma, I won’t take what isn’t mine yet. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it in the way you hold back a tiny bit. I haven’t earned the right to take this any farther yet. But, rest assured, I will earn it and you’d better be ready for a goddammed marathon.” I saw shivers shake her body and she involuntarily wrapped her arms around herself.
“I know you want me, and believe me, I want you too. But this time, I want it all. You had no reservations the last time, but you should have, because you knew I hadn’t given you my heart. Now the shoe is on the other foot. I’ve given you my heart, but I can’t show you until you have no more doubts. I know I need to earn this.” I was repeating myself in my highly aroused and frustrated state.
“Oh.” I saw Emma deflate a bit. I thought she was getting ready for a fight, thinking I was running from her. Which was the reason this wasn’t going to go any farther tonight. I didn’t ever want her to wonder whether I was going to run.
“I’m fucked up, Em. I’ve got scars on the inside and scars on the outside. But I know I’m safe with you. I can wait. I will wait. For as long as it takes. You can test me, but I’ll pass each test and eventually, you’ll trust me again.”
I stood up, prepared to head out, but I dreaded it. After having to live through Afghanistan again tonight, I was worried about being alone. Jesus, had I said that out loud? I watched as Emma’s eyes widened and she turned ashen, the flush of our hot-blooded kiss no longer on her face.
“Zach! Oh, shit! You shouldn’t be alone right now. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to be alone right now either. Even if we’re not fooling around. I need you here. It’s been a rough evening for both of us. Please stay.” She pleaded with her eyes and I saw it was the truth. She was afraid to be alone tonight too.
“Only if you’re sure. I’ll be fine here on the couch,” I told her. She looked appalled by the idea of me staying on the couch.
“No, you can stay in Sarah’s room, I’m sure she won’t mind, we can throw some clean sheets on the bed. It’ll only take a few minutes.”
“Honey, I’ve slept in way worse conditions than your couch. I’d feel weird in Sarah’s bed. I don’t even need a pillow, but a blanket would be great.” Even that wasn’t a necessity. My finger as a toothbrush and I was good to go. You learned to improvise and do with what you had.
“Fine, I’ll get one for you, if you’re sure.” Emma turned and went into one of the other bedrooms in the three-bedroom apartment. I didn’t know if it was hers or Sarah’s but since it was directly across from the babies, my bet was it was hers.
“Okay, here you go.” She announced as she thrust out a soft, plush blanket. I took it and thanked her.
“It’s only a sleepover, Emma. Like we used to do when we were kids.” I was trying to convince both her and myself it was nothing other than a way to ward off the loneliness and the nightmares.
“Well, it’s late, I guess I’ll let you make yourself comfortable, but if you need anything my room is right across from Trin and Tommy’s.”
I was right. “Good night, Zach.” Emma reached up on her tiptoes and gave me a chaste peck on the cheek, blushing a pretty p
ink again before she went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. Then she trod down the hall, stopping first in the bathroom.
I followed her toward the bathroom and before she closed the door I asked. “Hey, can you leave out the toothpaste for me. I’d appreciate it.” She nodded and smiled. I pulled her head forward to drop a kiss on her forehead. “Thanks.”
“Oh, I almost forgot.” I reached into my breast pocket and pulled out the photograph of the three of us and gave it to her. “You need to keep this. This picture is what jumpstarted my heart again. Looking at this picture was when I knew I couldn’t live without you anymore, Em.”
Emma
I woke to low moaning, in my foggy brain, my first thought was one of the kids was up. As my head cleared and I woke up a little more, I realized it was coming from the living room. My heart began to pound hard and fast. I started to reach for the baseball bat I kept under my bed when I remembered Zach was here, sleeping out on the couch. I wondered if something was wrong. He had murmured about being afraid to be alone tonight.
I pulled back the covers and slid out of bed, tiptoeing so I didn’t wake the kids. I’d go check on him. Make sure he was okay. It took me forever to fall asleep. He was right, it was a lot to cover in one sitting. My brain was trying to catch up with the evening’s events and refused to shut down. I thought I had only been asleep about an hour when the noise woke me. Obviously, I was a light sleeper. Most moms were.
Out in the living room, Zach was lying on the couch, his shirt removed and bunched up under his head, and his shoes sat at the ready in front of the couch. The blanket I had given him had been pushed away and Zach was sleeping in his jeans and socks. He looked ready to bolt.
Then, I heard it again, another muffled moan. It was coming from Zach, like a wounded animal. I hurried around the couch, turned on the table lamp while I perched on the edge of the couch.
“Zach,” I whispered. “Zach, wake up.” I touched his arm and he shot up, wide-eyed and fully awake, his large hand circled my small wrist where I was touching him. “Shhhh, you’re having a bad dream.” I explained.
His eyes focused on mine and I saw instant relief as his body loosened and his grip dropped from my arm. I looked down at the loss of contact, and immediately missed his hand on me. Zach followed my gaze and emotions streamed across his features. Fear, recognition, sorrow, guilt, pain, and concern. They were all there and gone in the blink of an eye.
“Sorry Emma, did I hurt you?” His voice was quiet and raspy from sleep.
“No, of course not, Zach. Are you alright? Do you want to tell me about your dream?” Before I even had the words out, Zach shook his head and stood. He paced the floor and ran his hands through his hair again.
“Nah, I’m good. Same old shit, different night.” He tried to make light of it by giving me a wry grin.
“Okay. I was coming out here to wake you and ask you if you’d come sleep in my room with me, I’m scared, Zach.” I lied. I didn’t even feel bad about it. I knew that would be the only way he would agree to come back to my room with me. He would want to comfort me, I was counting on it. And in the process, I could comfort him.
“Oh, Christ, Emma. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have told you everything tonight in such detail. I’m sorry.” He came over and pulled me into his arms. His large, muscular, strong arms were comforting, even though I didn’t know I needed them. I let him hold me for a minute, then, I pulled back and grabbed his hand to lead him to my room.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to try to seduce you,” I teased as I look back over my shoulder at him on our way down the hall.
“Oh, thank God! I was worried you might take advantage of me.” He winked and smiled brightly at me. His nightmare long forgotten and I felt like I achieved my goal.
That smile, it made my insides do flip flops. Who was I kidding? I would have willingly given myself to Zach earlier, and I would now too if he asked. But I knew he wouldn’t ask. I spent months recalling what his mouth could do to me. How he felt, moving inside of me. The incredible orgasms we shared. I’d get my way, but it would be later, rather than sooner. He was right. I did need to learn to trust him. I just didn’t see why we couldn’t do both at the same time.
We reached my room and Zach stopped in the doorway. He looked back to the living room, I thought he was going to run and I was ready to beg him to sleep in my bed with me. But, to my surprise, he had no thoughts of running.
“We left the light on in the living room, I’ll go shut it off and be right back.” Relief flooded from my toes to my fingertips. I needed this too. Zach turned and headed back down the hall and I turned on my bedside lamp before I crawled under the covers, waiting for Zach to return.
He came in and looked at me questioningly as he swung the door wide open and then nearly closed.
“Leave it cracked so I can hear if one of the babies wakes up,” I told him and he complied. He set his shoes down on the floor, exactly like they were laid out by the couch and began to crawl into bed with his jeans still on. “Stop!” I told him and he froze.
“What? Did you hear the kids? Because, I’ll go.” He offered.
“No, I don’t want your grubby jeans in my bed, so take them off. I already promised not to take advantage of you,” I teased him with a wolfish grin.
Zach chuckled softly at me, shook his head and stripped off his jeans and socks before he crawled into bed with only his boxer briefs. I did my very best not to drool at the sight of him nearly naked and slipping between my sheets. I was already wet, but I had promised, so I turned off the light and skooched backwards until I was spooning, my back into his front.
I sighed and closed my eyes as I felt every muscle in Zach’s body loosen as the tension drained away. I fell into a dreamless sleep almost immediately.
I opened my eyes to the smells of coffee and something cooking. The door was fully closed, but I heard Zach talking to the kids and I snuck a peek at the clock. Oh my God, it was almost nine o’clock. I hadn’t slept that late or so well since way before the twins were born. I smiled at the idea of staying in bed and then my stomach growled at the delicious smells coming from my kitchen.
I didn’t bother with a robe or getting dressed, I headed into the kitchen in my PJs. My first order of business, coffee!
I came around the corner from the hall and Zach had both Trinity and Tommy in their high chairs, he was feeding them tiny morsels of pancakes and some strawberries with milk in their sippy cups. They seemed perfectly content. I thought I was watching them covertly, but without even turning, Zach surprised me.
“Morning, there’s coffee made and extra pancakes are staying warm in the oven. When the kids woke up, you were sleeping so soundly, I couldn’t bear to disturb you. So, we’ve had diapers changed and now we’re having breakfast.” His voice changed and he was talking all cutesy to the twins.
He swiveled his attention between the two of them, making faces at them each time he did. “Help yourself. After they’re done eating, I’ll clean them up and get them dressed. I was thinking maybe we could get out of the house for a while today. Are you up for it Emma?”
Zach’s mood was good and he seemed so happy. Not at all like the wounded soldier I knew he was, or the man haunted by nightmares and fighting his addiction. This Zach was exactly what I’d dreamt of my kids having as a father figure in their lives. I couldn’t hide my smile and shook my head in wonderment.
Then I entered the kitchen and surveyed the damage. I fought from laughing out loud, but the man had made pancakes with two one-year-olds. He got major props for that.
I poured my coffee, doctoring it with cream and sugar before I entered the dining area.
“What did you have in mind for an outing?” I asked, amused he was putting in so much effort.
“Well, I don’t know what there is to do around town. Last time I visited I didn’t get out much.” His wicked smirk smoldered, and I couldn’t help the flood of dampness pooled between my th
ighs when I thought about it.
I hadn’t missed the need Zach had been trying hard to keep under control. It was there several times, most prominently last night when I tried to snuggle into him while trying to fall back asleep with him in my bed.
I couldn’t help it, I wanted him. I wanted him more now than I had when we were together before. We had both matured over the time we’d spent apart. We were adults now, no longer the fumbling teenagers, and if it was possible, Zach was even more handsome, even sexier. Especially when he showed his soft underbelly. The kids brought that out in him. Nothing hotter than a guy who loved his kids and reveled in it. I was screwed. I loved him. How could I not?
Zach
The four of us spent the morning at a children’s museum. There were lots of interactive areas and things to do even for kids as young as Trinity and Tommy. I was a bit hesitant to let them explore without hovering, but Emma grabbed me by the hand, smiled and tugged me back to her side while the kids toddled around and played with all sorts of things. Although, I never let them out of my sight for an instant and tensed up whenever any other kids got within five feet of them, but I managed.
We had packed a picnic lunch and were eating it in the park before we planned on taking the kids home for their naps. I wasn’t sure what would happen after they went down. I could leave and go back to my hotel, although I didn’t want to go. I’d stay and talk some more if Emma wanted me to, but I didn’t have a lot of say in the matter at that point.
Things had been easy and fun with Em today. She kept things light hearted and even laughed at my overprotectiveness a couple of times. It was so new to me, and I didn’t want to lose what I had right then. This, Emma, and the kids, this was my life, or it would be if she’d have me. Emma broke into my thoughts.
“Penny for your thoughts, Zach.” She smiled up at me, almost like she knew what I was thinking and was teasing me, daring me to tell her the truth.